The Beam
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Joined 05-02-12, id: 3980402, Profile Updated: 05-02-12

I see you're playing stupid again...looks like you're winning, too.

I'm sorry. My fault. I forgot you were an idiot.

Shit happens. Mostly to me. So don't worry.

Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself!

Multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

Sanity is backordered. Sarcasm is in unlimited supply.

It's funny how good I am at giving advice to others, but when it comes to myself, I don't know what to do.

That awkward moment when someone admits that they don't like your dog...and suddenly, you don't like THEM anymore.

Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We're flexible like that.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

I'm not crazy. My reality is just different from yours.

Everything is funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.

My dream job would be driving the karma bus.

I have PMS and a GPS, which means tha I am a bitch who will find you.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

A cop pulled me over and said, "Papers..." So I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.

Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the backyard just to keep the nosy neighbors guessing.

I believe in gun control...I control who I shoot.

Guns are welcome on premises. Please keep all weapons holstered unless need should arise. In such a case, judicious marksmanship is appreciated.

Dear girls: If a guy pauses a video game just to text you back...Marry him.

Never kick me when I'm down, because when I get back up, you're fucked!!

No matter how old I get, I always want my mommy when I don't feel good.

If anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it is equally awkward for both of us.

Never explain yourself. Your friends don't need it and your enemies won't believe it.

My friend has just updated his status saying "is balancing on the edge of a cliff"...so I poked him.

My friends don't care if my room is messy. They only care if I have food.

Facebook says we're 'friends', but trust me, I wouldn't hesitate to punch you in the face.

The awkward moment when you're at your friend's house and your friend is getting yelled at so you just stand there and pet the dog.

Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.

That awkward moment when you can't stop laughing while telling a joke and when you're finally done your friends don't even get it.

I have two sides: The one you see, and the one you don't wanna see.

I didn't say it was your fault! I said I was going to blame you!

I tried being normal, but I didn't like it.

Alcohol: Some of the best times you'll never remember.

I'm not saying she was stupid, but I asked her to spell Mississippi and she said, "The river or the state?"

Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.

If a police officer says, "Anything you say will be taken down and used as evidence," your answer should always be, "Please don't hit me again, officer."

People think I'm in a bad mood just because I'm being quiet.

If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.

People say that things happen for a reason. So when I hit you upside the head, remember I had a reason.

Harry Potter quotes:

"Well, as everyone thinks I'm a mad mass murderer and the Ministry's put a ten-thousand-Galleon price on my head, I can hardly stroll up the street and start handing out leaflets, can I?"
--Sirius Black, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

"Make way for the Heir of Slytherin, seriously evil wizard coming through..."

"It is not a laughing matter."

"Oh, get out of the way, Percy. Harry's in a hurry."

"Yeah, he's nipping off to the Chamber of Secrets for a cup of tea with his fanged servant."
--Fred, Percy, and George Weasley, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

"We tried to shut him in a pyramid, but Mum spotted us."
--George Weasley, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

"I don't believe it! I don't believe it! Oh, Ron, how wonderful! A prefect! That's everyone in the family!"

"What are Fred and I, next-door neighbors?"
--Molly and George Weasley, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

"Don't be a prat, Neville, that's illegal. They wouldn't use the Cruciatus Curse on the champions. I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing...maybe you've got to attack him while he's in the shower, Harry."
--George Weasley, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire