![]() Author has written 10 stories for Twilight, Chronicles of Narnia, Supernatural, Inheritance Cycle, Harry Potter, Percy Jackson and the Olympians, and Misc. Books. your visiting my profile...lets celebrate! So do you like my stories, if you do I am greatly pleased but if you dont its alright. Some people have different tastes to thers. About me:Im an average person, check, go to school, check, i AM REPEATING MYSELF, check. I like the colours purple, green and yellow, have two pet dogs and are a great reader, I love books! I am a BIG book fan and looooooove reading. My fav books are the twilight saga and that leaves my fav character to be Jasper and Alice. and Emmett.I also like the new tv series 'merlin' but when reading merlin stories on fanfiction i discovered that it is mainly stories of merlin and arthur being gay and sharing kisses. Seriously, i dont see that in the characters and i find it a little weird, most of the stories on those two characters are gay ones. I also enjoy watching supernatural with my favourite characters being Castiel and sam, Dean is still too cocky for my liking and after screwing an angel(anna) I still dont like him. Many ideas for my stories come from real, they are cut down to fiction and are used for plots and other ideas in the stories. If you dont like racism, read this: The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away... Post this on your profile if you hate racism A stranger stabs you in the front A friend stabs you in the back A boyfriend stabs your heart Best Friends only poke each other with straws Take Time To Read Each Sentence This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is a cat This is retard cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat Now read the THIRD word of every line ~Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas.~ ~My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.~ ~When they put "unknown" at the end of a quote, it's probably because they don't know how to spell "anonymous"~ ~Don't get high on Life; cereal hurts when you put it up your nose.~ ~I'm not a vegetarian because i love animals; i'm a vegetarian becaus i hate plants~ ~Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.~ ~Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?~ ~A tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!~ ~If swimming is so good for your figure, then explain whales!~ ~There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.~ ~Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.~ ~Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?!~ ~Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.~ ~I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them. -- George Bush~ ~"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush~ ~Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?~ ~Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.~ (so THAT explains it...) ~The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.~ When it rains on my parade, I bust out the slip n' slide. A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work. If you can stay calm when all around you is complete chaos, you probably haven't fully understood the situation. If you think that people on commercials talk funny or use phrases no human beings would ever say, copy this into your profile. If you talk back to the TV (or the computer, or a book), copy this into your profile. If you have ever been the only one to think some really stupid joke was funny, copy this into your profile. I don't know whats wierder. the fact that your fighting a stuffed animal, or the fact that he seems to be winning. TGWF: Thank God We're Female If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? Boy, I didn't fall for you, you tripped me! Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. I DON'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY, I ENJOY EVERY FREAKIN MINUTE OF IT! If you think normal people are boring, copy and paste this on your profile. You don't need a reason to be happy, you only need a reason to be sad. Kids Are Quick TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America . TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES Funny sayings, Funny Words of Wisdom 1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either. 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 3. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. 4. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. 5. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives. 6. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 7. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue. 8. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. 9. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 10. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?" 11. My Reality Check bounced. 12. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key. 13. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. 14. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. 16. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level. 18. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? 19. If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll do it for you. 20. If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good 21. The family that sticks together should bathe more often. 22. The fridge light DOES go out. Now let me out of here!! 23. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 24. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. 25. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 26. Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely list of stuff 1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong. 7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog. 8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 9. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first. 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. 11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. 12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. 13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. fRIENDSHIP 1. When you are sad, I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry @#&!! 2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in. 4. When you are scared, I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining. 6. When you are confused, I will use little words. 7. When you are sick, stay the heck away from me until you are well. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt. This is my oath. I pledge it until the end. "Why?" you may ask. Because you are my friend. Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can truly feel its warmth. FRIENDS/BEST FRIENDS FRIENDS: Will comfort you when he rejects you. BEST FRIENDS: Will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?" FRIENDS: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you. BEST FRIENDS: Will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..." FRIENDS: Helps you up when you fall. BEST FRIENDS: Keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?" FRIENDS: Helps you find your prince. BEST FRIENDS: Kidnaps him and brings him to you. FRIENDS: Will ask you if you're okay when you're crying. BEST FRIENDS: Will laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Loser!" FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda. BEST FRIENDS: Will dump theirs on you. FRIENDS: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month. BEST FRIENDS: Will throw you a tampon and push you in. FRIENDS: Gives you their umbrella in the rain. BEST FRIENDS: Takes yours and says, "Run - beep - run!" FRIENDS: Will help you move. BEST FRIENDS: Will help you move the bodies. FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail. BEST FRIENDS: Would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!" FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink. BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food. FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa. BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS! FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail. BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin "DAMN!" we messed up! FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry. BEST FRIENDS: Wont tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore. FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number. BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial. FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back. BEST FRIENDS: Loses your stuff and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue." FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you. BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story... FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing. BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door. BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME." FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone. BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell. FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college. (aka: drinking buddies) BEST FRIENDS: Are for life. FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough. BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say "Girl drink the rest of that ! You know we don't waste! FRIENDS: Would read ignore this. BEST FRIENDS: Will repost this crap! quotes: Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner. 42.7 of all statistics are made on the spot. If you have paper, you don't have a pen??. If you have a pen, you Evening news is where they say, "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it's not. The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide. Excuse me. Have you seen my sanity? I think I've lost it... Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, then the rest of our lives telling us to sit down and shut up. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep-- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. I'm the kind of girl who will burst out laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday. The past is just the future with the lights on. Was that an earthquake, or did I just rock your world? "Secret Admirers" are just stalkers with stationary. Sarcasm is your mind's natural defense against stupidity. Death is God's way of saying "You're fired." If you know me, chances are, you hate me. Sticks and Stones can break my bones, "Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried to slam a revolving door,"- Unknown “When there's a will, I want to be in it.” – Unknown Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey. "The one over there who looks like he's in pain, thats Jasper." "Omigod, Edward Cullen is totally staring a you." "He looks at you like youre something to eat." " 'is she even italian?' 'her name's Bella." Thank you, Tonto. 'Um, Angel, can Total talk?' I asked. 'yes. dont tell him, but he's not that interesting.' I'm in trouble, im not troubled. I don't know whats wierder. the fact that your fighting a stuffed animal, or the fact that he seems to be winning. witness the hotness of Edward Cullen!! Bow down before it!! I hate six-word memoirs. See? I cant even turn that into six words! Or that! Tell Suzie she is a lucky cat. Lead me not into temptation...I can find it myself. It's just that...it's just...I was saving that bacon... I've got your back if you've got my hand, this isn't over it just began. Childbirth is like being shot, stabbed, and run over, and all they tell you to do is breathe differently. Oh this? We send it to people we don't like...out of idol curiosity, what's your E-mail address? All memories are lost in time, like tears in rain. "Hey, could you send someone up here to light my fire? IMEAN...SHOOT..Uh...IGOTTTAGOBYE!" There are three types of people in this world, those who can count and those who can't. "Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me! Me!" I yelled. Mrs. frowned at me, because we're not supposed to go ooh ooh me me me. You either die a hero, or live long enough to become the villain. Men are the only living creatures who can think of absolutely nothing and still breathe. The world is quiet here... I didn't know what to bring to the science fair, so I brought a cup of dirt hoping she would just realize I'm an idiot and walk on by... For my first trick, I will run 20 ft and pick this tennis ball up with just my mouth! Then, I will go back to this very position, but first I'll meander about like I've forgotten what I'm doing. But I will eventually end up in this general area...and drop the ball to the floor! Children are like pancakes, the first few you throw away. No life goes forever, the dead men rise up never, even the weariest river, winds somewhere safe at sea. Worry is like a rocking-chair; it gives you something to do, but it doesn't go anywhere. Question: if a tree fell in a forest, and no one was around to hear it, and it landed on a mime...would anyone care? 75 percent of Americans are either obese, asthmatic, or diabetic. Any other country could conquer us with fast runners and a bag of Skittles. Heroes aren't braver than anyone else, they're just braver for 5 minutes longer If you were thinking "Holy shit, holy shit, a swordfish almost went through my head," then yes, we are thinking the same thing... Look! An angel!...wait, he's still breathing. Don't worry, he'll be an angel soon.. And he looked over at me and asked, "Why so serious? Why so SERIOUS?!" Everything in this room is eatable. Even I am eatable. But that, my dear children, is cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies. History doesn't repeat it's self, it just yells "Didn't you hear what I just said?" and lets the hammer fly... Cats are smarter than dogs. You couldn't get nine cats to pull a sled. If we didn't have war, we would have heroes. You can't spell 'funeral' without 'fun', nor 'manslaughter' without 'laughter'. Some men do it for money or power, but some men are evil just to watch the world burn. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Cats were once worshiped as Gods by the Egyptians. They have not forgotten this. I thought I thought but the thought i thought wasn't the thought i thought i thought... To say of what is that it is not, or of what is not that it is, is false, while to say of what is that it is, and of what is not that it is not, is true.Aristotle When I'm talking about.. when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me. I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face. "You know it's a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor." "I'm the master of low expectations." "Nothingness is made of... nothing. It cannot be moved, right? Nothing can move through, over or under it, either, because of its nature--nothingness is nothingness on all levels. So, nothingness is nothing, and it can't be moved, nor can anything move through it, by definition. So, would something bump into nothingness? That's doubtful, since there's nothing to obstruct it--would it pass into nothingness, and simply disappear? The laws of physics say that this isn't possible--so this can't be right." if u understand say u understand if u dont understand say u dont understand but if u do understand and u say u dont understand how do i understand that u understand,understand? Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock. The road to success??.. Is always under construction. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening. A girl died in 1933.A man buried her in the ground when she was still alive.The murderer chanted , Toma sota balcu" as he buried her. Now that you have read the chant you will meet this little girl. In the middle of the night she will be on your ceiling. She will suffocate you like she was suffocated. If you post this in your profile, she will not bother you. Your kindness will be rewarded. Lucillia YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN AUTHOR IF... You talk to yourself a lot. (Alot meaning all the time...) You talk to yourself about talking to yourself. (ie 'Why do I constantly ask my self random things?') When you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else. (ie 'Have you ever noticed that deliver could mean someone's liver?') After uttering a profound piece of wisdom like that above, you stare at the cookie in your hand with awe and say, "Wow,this stuff is great for sugar highs...' You live off of sugar and caffeine (the two greatest things ever discovered!) You'll check your e-mail every day of the week and then disappear off the face of the earth. You're e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random. When replying to an e-mail, you'll never actually address the point of it. You tend to collect Bic Stics off the ground like picking pennies off the ground. No matter where you are in a room you never have to get up to find a pen/pencil and paper. The letters on your keyboard are wearing off. Your friends and family think that you have carpal tunnel syndrome. People think you have A.D.D. You think it'd be cool to have A.D.D. You constantly start talking in third person, present or past tense. You start thinking about making lists like this and start giggling for no "apparent" reason Your friends stopped looking at you funny for no apparent reason a loooooong time ago. And FINALLY, the one way to tell if you're a good writer: You failed English 101. (copy that into you're profile if you fit one or more of these descriptions) And there you have it. My hackin' awesome profile. Peace out!! Ten things to see before you die 1. A vegetarian being eaten by an animal. 2. An emo kid talking about happy bunnies. 3. Homer Simpson saying something intelligent. 4. Taxes disappearring. 5. Voldemort destroying one of his Horcruxes. 6. Michael Jackson being stalked by children. 7. Children taking over class and teaching teachers in kid subjects, such as: armpit farts, skate-boarding, real music, etc. 8. Wrestling people forgetting their moves. 9. The coyote catching the road runner. 10. The reaction of the (general) teen population if Abercrombie was closed and it was illegal to wear their clothing. 150 Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts 1. I will not poke Hufflepuff’s with spoons, nor will I insist that their house colours indicate that they are “covered in bees”. 150. Getting everyone in the Great Hall to do the Time Warp will not earn me any house points. 151. I will not teach the front doors to recognise Filch and not let him in. 152. I will not give Voldemort a toupee to hide his baldness. 153. I am not allowed to tell first years that there is a playground in the forbidden forest. 154. Giving Professor Snape a ton tongue toffee is unacceptable. 155. Singing ‘pop goes the weasel’ when Professor Dumbledore is giving a speech is not permitted. 156. I will not introduce Slytherins to ‘my pet dog Fluffy,’ no matter how tempting it is. 157. Shouting ‘How COULD you betray me like that?’ whenever Snape removes house points is forbidden. 158. I will not steal veritaserum from Snape’s store and add some to the teacher’s morning tea. 159. I will not tell Snape he needs to go to his ‘happy place’ 160. I must not convince first years that the new password to Gryffindor tower is ‘Petrificus Totalus’ and must be said with their wands pointed at themselves. 161. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that my teacup says she’s lying. 162. I am not allowed to dress up like Neville’s grandmother when going to a Halloween party in Snape’s dungeon. 163. The forbidden forest is forbidden because it contains werewolves and acromantula, not because there is a secret cave with the answers to every test, and I should refrain from telling the first years that there is. 164. A bludger is not a bowling ball, and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin. I will not attempt to prove otherwise. 165. I will not tye-dye all of the owls. 166. I will not shave Mrs. Norris 167. The house elves are not there to do my homework 168. There is no bring a muggle to school day 169. I must stop telling 1st years about the time the Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student 170. I must not throw Mrs Norris out windows 171. Telling Draco Malfoy to 'Make like a ferret and bounce' is always a bad idea. 172. I will not start singing and dancing in the middle of a class and blame that someone put the Imperious Curse on me. 173. I must not throw Hermione’s Hogwarts: A History out the window and then claim that it wanted freedom. 174. I must not leave shampoo on Professor Snape’s desk with directions on how to use it. 175. I will not tell first years that the best way to study is to stay up all night balancing your textbook on your head, as gravity will cause the information to sink through the skull and into the brain. 176. I will not take a hippogriff to the Summer Olympics to get an unfair advantage at the Equestrian competitions 177. I will not use magic to change test questions into those I can answer 178. The proper way to report to my Teacher is “Yes, Sir” not “You can’t prove a thing!” 179. A hug is not all Snape needs 180. When I see Professor Umbridge, I will not say, “There you are, Trevor. Neville has been looking all over for you.” 181. I will not tell Snape he is emo/goth just because he likes wearing black. 193. The "I Hate Snape" Club is not a valid after-class activity. 196. I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "my little pony." 202. I will not enter the great Hall running and yelling “We’re gonna Die” each time Snape comes to a meal. 213. The first few lines of Mama by MCR is not the best song to be singing during first year sorting, 216. I will not laugh at Lupin’s 'time of the month'. 217. I will not offer Crabbe and Goyle a cupcake with Veritiserium. 218. I will not make fun of Harry and his 'Potter Senses Tingling'. 221. I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class. 225. Watching "The Food Network" is not equivalent to sitting NEWT-level Potions classes. 243. I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized Firebolt. 266. I will not use muggle hair dye to dye Draco Malfoy's hair red. 271. After using the hair dye on Malfoy, I will not attempt to claim him as the long missing Weasley brother. 276. I will not re-enact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall. 277. I will not write all my essays in red ink claiming it is blood. 278. I am not allowed to wear Death Eater robes to dinner and shout Long live Lord Voldemort because I think its funny. 279. I will not replace Professor Snape’s pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro. 282. I am not possessed by the ghost of Lady MacBeth 283. Neville is not my valet. 284. There is no “open-mic night” at Hogwarts 285. It is not a good idea to give Malfoy a “love note” from Ginny and vice versa, 290. I am not to make a waterfall in the astronomy tower so I can surf down after class. 293. I am not God. 294. Professor Dumbledore is not God. 295. Despite being near-omniscient, Professor McGonagall is not God. 296. Neither is Harry Potter. 297. I am not the founder of a new religion, in which Snape is the devil and Weasleys are the chosen people and are to lead the followers to the light. 298. I cannot make the followers of Weasleyity have red hair and freckles. 299. The Thriller is not the school dance. 300. I may not borrow an extra wand and watch DRUMLINE too many times. The results are too unpredictable, and Professor Flitwick would like his nose back some day. - If death eaters are attacking Hogsmeade I will not point at the sky and shout TO THE BAT MOBILE! - So I was all like Avada Kadavra and he was all like Dead - I will not ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling. - Draco Malfoy the amazing...bouncing...Ferret. - Remus Lupin does NOT want a flee collar - I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his time of the month. - I will not say 'dude, get a life' to Lord Voldemort - I will not ask Snape why he stole Batman's cape - This icon is off trying to shut Percy in a pyramid. - I will not sing "we're off to see the wizard" when sent to the headmasters office - I have eight horcruxes, take that Voldy! - Professor Flitwick's name is not Yoda - I will not bring a magic eight ball to Divination class - I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds when using my wand - Sirius Black: Escaped askaban...Evaded death eaters...Outwitted the ministry...Killed by drapery. jUST REMEMBER TO SAY HI TO MALDYWART FOR ME! Emmett's the strongest. But only Jasper can sit in a corner and STILL make everyone feel jealous. For people that hate stereotypes, put this on your profile. (the BOLD the ones you are.) I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic. You know you live in 2008 when... 1.) You accidentaly enter your password on a microwave. 2.) You haven't played solitare with real cards for years. 3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they dont have a screenname or myspace. 4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV. 6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job. 7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling. 8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends. 9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5 isn't there. 10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5. 11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly. 12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did Pick the month you were born: Pick the day (number) you were born on: Pick the color of shirt you are wearing: Two best friends were riding on a motorcycle. The motorcycle belonged to the boy driving it-a 16 year old boy named Chris. It was his first time driving it, and he convinced his best friend, a 16 year old girl named Laura, to ride on it with him. Halfway through the ride, disaster struck. Laura: "Slow down, I'm scared!" -In the newspaper the next day, there was an article describing a motorcycle accident. Apparently, a motorcycle crashed into a building because of break failure. Two people were on the vehicle, but only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, Chris realized that the breaks were out and he didn't want the Laura to know. Instead, he had her hug him and tell him she loved him one last time. Then, he had her put his helmet on so that she would have a greater chance to live even if it meant that he would die. 10 Ways to Annoy the Cullens 10. Visit Carlisle at the hospital for every papercut, hiccough, and scrape imaginable. Calling me STUPID won't make you SMART, Calling me WEAK won't make you STRONG, Calling me UGLY won't make you PRETTY, Calling me POOR won't make you RICH, Calling me FAT wont make you PERFECT, Calling me UNCOOL wont make you COOL, So why bother? 9 Things I Hate About Everyone: 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2 People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually. 3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?! 5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid 10 to come to the movies and stare at the damn floor. 6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new. 8 When people say "life is short". What the heck?? Life is the longest darn thing anyone ever does!! What the fuck can you do that's longer? 9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass? Therapist = the/rapist... scary thought. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Tell the truth and run. Don’t follow me, I’m lost too. Those who throw objects at crocodiles will be asked to retrieve them. Set sail in a general that way direction. When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear. If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"? Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I’m gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"? SOME FUNNY THINGS: Sometimes I wonder, "Why is the Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me. Being mature is overrated. Slinky + Escalator = Endless fun! One out of four people is insane. Look at three of your friends. If it's not them, it's you. "What you're looking for is always in the last place you look" Well, DUH, smart one! After you find it, you stop looking! Whose cruel idea was it to put "S" in the word "Lisp"? You laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You hurt, I hurt. You jump off a bridge, I get a paddle boat and save your stupid a--. You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a cliff, I laugh even harder. I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse. Emmett Cullen: Stronger Than You since 1916 Jasper Hale: Charming Ladies since 1843 Alice Cullen: Quirkier than You since 1901 Rosalie Hale: Better Than You since 1916 Edward Cullen: Sexier Than You since 1901 Bella Cullen: Luckier That You since 1987 Some random stuff I think is funny. =DYou cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder. You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it. Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't. He Said: I don't know why you wear a bra, you have nothing to put in it. My best friends are the kind that if my house were on fire, they'd be roasting marsh mellows and flirting with the firemen. Occifer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God! I smile because I have no idea what's going on! I make the cowardly lion look like the terminator! I stay as confused as a gangster with a skateboard. I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends. Boys are like slinkys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs. People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door. One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject. Ever stop to think and forget to start again? Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought Don't run in the school hall, gliding is more fun! There is no "I" in team but there is an "I" in PIE and there is an "I" in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram of TEAM... Be a loser! Because being cool is so overrated! It's always the last place you look...of course it is, why the hell would I keep looking after I found it? Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse? whos god: All the good guys are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books. Everything here is eatable. Even I'm eatable, my dear children, but that is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies. My goal in life is to have everyone I ever come in contact with to fall in love with the Twilight series, and, more importantly, JASPER!! I ran with scissors, and lived! I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.GIRL COMEBACKS!!Boy Girl "Where have you been all my life?""Running away from you.""Are you an angel from heaven?" "No, I’m a vampire from hell.""Your place or mine?" "Both, you go to yours, I go to mine.""Your feisty, I like that." "Your smelly, go away.""My dad owns the Café. I could get us really good seats." "My dad runs that hospital, and that’s where you’ll be if you keep hitting on me.""I have magic fingers. And they love to give massages." "I have a high kick. And they love to land on…" 25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. 7. My mother taught t me IRONY. 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION . 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 19. My mother taught me ESP. 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. 25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. FIND YOUR NAME: COPY AND PASTE INTO YOUR PROFILE AND CHANGE ANSWERS!: A FEW lots RANDOM FUNNY SENTENCES THAT I LOVE: Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems? "Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes." "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." "People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door." I stay as confused as a gangster with a skateboard Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that my children is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies. Your mom looks like Voldemort (oooooh burn) Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought Don't call me emo or I'll cry big juicy tears of blood and pain and then I'll die and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT! Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it! Tell the truth and run. All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative. When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear. Education is important, school however, is another matter. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic... "Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?" Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it? "When life hand you lemons, throw those lemons right back at it and tell life to make its own dang lemonade" You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it. Don't mess with me I've got a stick I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun. I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends Boys are like slinkys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs. I ran with scissors, and lived! You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday. The greatest challenge in life is to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences, and mistakes, and yet still sees the best in you. "When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it." "Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it." "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else" "Real girls aren't perfect, perfect girls aren't real." "I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not." "Why is it that people are fine with everyone having a different job or going to a different school, but if you say you follow a different religion, you are weird?" "What is easy is not always right, and what is right is not always easy." "Guns don't kill people. I do." "A good friend bails you out of jail. A great friend is sitting there next to you saying 'Man, that was fun!'" If two wrongs dont make a right, try three. Borrow money from pessimists- they dont expect to get it back! There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & and those that cant. I'm not paranoid...WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS?! If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. Success = Failure! Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss. Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that. Guns don’t kill people. Bullets kill people. I mean, DUH! When life hands you lemons, chuck 'em back at the guy who was demented enough to give them to you. When life hands you lemons, Throw them back and demand he throws you Jasper! Liar, liar, pants on fire, hanging from a cellphone wire Things we all wonder about Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery" Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?(scary) Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why Why is their Braille on the drive up ATM machine?? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why do we park in the driveway and drive on the park way? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? Have you ever been captured by evil squirrels and taken to their secret squirrel hideout, but rescued by your vampire love, who ran around with a machine gun shouting die squirrels, die? Are you ever worried about the fact that your stalker isn't stalking anymore? If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit? Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them? If you blow in a dogs face he'll get mad at you, but take him for a car ride, and the first thing he does is stick his head out the window! Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear brighter before you hear them speak? Why does an 'X' stand for kiss? If olive oil comes from olive's then where does baby oil come from? 0.0 I wonder...I'm going to go and get my little 4 yr old sister...OH! Did you just read that? If so...BACK OFF SUCKA If quitters never win, and winners never quit, how can it be good to 'quit while your ahead?' Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it? How is it possible to have a civil war? If a fork were made of gold would it still be called silver ware? Can you make a candle out of your earwax? "Cute as a button." Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute? Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time? Are marbles made of marble? Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup? If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived) Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"? Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup? Can you get cornered in a round room? Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there? Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends? If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible? Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet? How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone? Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat? Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse? Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate? I mean DUH! "Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?" Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’? Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear?? Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your pee is hotter when you use the restroom? Can mute people burp? What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn? Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with? How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play? If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold? Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside? Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars? Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue? Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin? Why do you go "back and forth" to town if you really must go forth before you go back? Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown? Why can't you get a tan on your palms? If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June? Why do dogs sniff other dog’s butts to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their face or something? Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it? You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down? Why is a square meal served on round plates? Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1? Which way does a compass point in space? Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked? ~Also, aren't we always naked like 24/7? I mean, the clothing is just so no one can see us in our nudity, so technically, we are running around naked outside.~ Why do all superheroes wear spandex? If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes? Why did Mary own a little lamb? If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money? If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man? Why are Pringles curved? What happens if your snot freezes in your nose? Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are? Do they lie? If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops? Why is it that its good to score under par in golf but its bad to be "under par" in any thing else? If your scared to swim but love water, how does that make sense? Soap Opera Name(middle name and current street name): GRACE SPINNER Super-Hero Name(favorite color and favorite drink):PURPLE VANILA MILKSHAKE Star Wars Name(first three letters of last name, first three letters of first name, last three letters of mother's maiden name): CHREMIMAN Arabic Name(2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of you dads middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms middle name): MRGAMEA Goth Name(black and the name of one of your pets):BLACK GUINESS Witness Protection Name(your mother and fathers middle name)EILA JAMES Nascar Name(first name of your mother’s mom, father’s mom): PAM NANCY Fly Name(first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name): EMER Gangsta Name(first 3 letters of first name plus izzle):EMIIZZLE Detective Name(favorite color and favorite animal): green fox 10 Commandments of a Teenager 1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping. FACTS The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. (...no comment) A melcryptovestimentaphiliac is someone who compulsively steals women's underwear. (Or, for an easier word, pervert) A mismomania is someone who hates everything.(EMO) Everything here is eatable. Even I'm eatable, but that is called cannibalism, my dear children, and is frowned upon in most societies. ~Charlie and the Chocolate Factory "Doctors say I have multiple personality disorder. We disagree with that." Ways to make sure you're insane and maintain a healthy level of insanity At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. see if they slow down. Page yourself over the intercom. don't disguise your voice. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy" Ask your dog if it's comfortable with it's name. Repeat with cat, until people ask if you're alright. As often as possible, skip rather than walk Specify that your drive-through order is "to go" Sing along at the opera. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because your not in the mood. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I WON! I WON!" When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives! they're loose!!" Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom. Tell Your Children Over Dinner."Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go." And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity...Copy and Paste this into your profile!! Things to do on an Elevator 2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off. 3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves. 4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral. 5) MEOW occasionally. 6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly 7) SAY -DING at each floor. 8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons. 9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on." 11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?" 12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone. 13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space." 14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you. 15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. 16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones. 17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?" 18) DROP a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!" 19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift. 20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers. 21) SWAT at flies that don't exist. 22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it. 23. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope. 24. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 25. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on". 26. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!" 27. Put police tape in front of the door before entering. 28. Fart loudly when there are only two of you in the elevator. Argue vehemently that it wasn't you. 29. Hold an auction. 30. Do the "potty dance" all the way to the elevator door. Upon arrival, sigh and look greatly relieved. 31. Ask every passenger coming if you can borrow a tampon. Especially effective if victim is male. Even more effective if you yourself are male. 32. Throw a rave. 33. Place potted plants and water fountains at strategic locations in the lift. When people ask what you are doing, tell them you "won't ride an elevator that's not feng shwei." 34. Greet everyone getting on with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral". 35. Hum the first six notes of the "It's a small world" over and over again. 36. When you brush past someone, whisper "Was it good for you too?" 37. Lean over to another rider and whisper 'Noogie patrol coming!'" 38. Have a heated debate with yourself. 39. Bring a melon onto the elevator. Try to sell it to the other passengers. 40. Drum on every available surface. 41. Write a big X on the elevator floor, and hand out "pirate" maps to everyone as they enter. 42. Give psychotherapy to the other passengers. 43. Greet everyone coming on as if they were your best friend. Use the same name for all of them. 44. Say "ring ring," then pull a banana out of your pocket and start talking into it. 45. Propose to the other passengers. 46. Challenge people to duels. 47. Sell girl scout cookies. 48. Bring a large pile of ice. Build an igloo on the floor. 49. Come on looking really scared, and say to another passenger..."I'm kinda nervous...this is my first time flying..." 50. Any time someone enters the doors, recoil in horror. 51. Stick your tongue out. Act like it's a cigarette, and ask someone for a lighter. 52. Pitch a tent on the floor, and "camp out" for the weekend. 53. Play "I've got your nose" with the other passengers. 54. Shout "Food fight!" 55. Every time someone else talks, angrily shout: "Some people are trying to sleep here!" 56. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 57. Lick one of the buttons. Tell the other passengers you're sick and tired of people stealing your food the second you turn your back. 58. Elevators were practically MADE for river dance! 59. Bring a snowboard onto the elevator. Put it on. Every time the lift goes up or down, shout "WOO-YEAH! This is what I call sick air!" 60. Make sushi. 61. Press your nose against the other passengers, and say "You know, this is what the Eskimos used to do before having sex." 62. Shave. 63. Every time the elevator goes down, loudly scream "OH MY GOD!! We're all gonna die! This is it! This is it! It's over! IT'S OVER!!" Look relieved when it stops moving. When you begin to drop again, repeat. 64. Ask the other passengers if they want to see your glass clown collection. 65. Practice your kung fu. 66. Make race car noises when people get on and off. 67. Ask everyone on the elevator: "Are you my mother?" 68. Fly a model airplane. 69. Do yoga. 70. Play the accordion 71. Enter the elevator with nothing on your head. Individually ask everyone if they like your hat. 72. Bring a rocking chair. Sit and knit. 73. Recite gangsta rap lyrics in monotone. 74. Enter with a shovel, and attempt to "dig for treasure." 75. Read "Green Eggs and Ham" at the top of your lungs. Sound out every word. Random Questions If the sky is the limit, then what is space? Over the limit? Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that If electricity comes from electrons, does morality Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's Can Bald people have Hairline fractures? If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it? If you have a cold hot pocket, is it just a pocket? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why is the show called unsolved mysteries? if they were solved they wouldn't be mysteries. Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really its coming on? Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway? In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section? Why are both of Spongebob's parents round like sea sponges while he is square like a kitchen sponge? If you pamper a cow, do you get spoiled milk? Why is it that if someone yells "duck" they are helping you, but if they yell "chicken" they are insulting you? If the FBI breaks your door down do they have to pay for it? If they have angel food cake on earth, do they have people food cake in heaven? You know the signs on restaurant doors? No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service? what if someone goes in with No Pants? Would the restaurant still have to serve them? If an African elephant comes to America, is it an African-American elephant? If the Wicked Witch of the West melts in water... how did she ever bathe? If bald people work as chefs in a restaurant, do they have to wear hairnets? How can Darth Vader breathe and talk at the same time? If there's a wheelchair-bound comedian, is it still called "stand-up"? When the French swear do they say pardon my English? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Random Quotes "God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made woman." - Adela Rodgers St. Johns Man: I would go to the end of the world for you! Random Randomness I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot. Being normal is overrated. Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. Don't take it personally.. but you smell like an ice cube If at first you don't succeed, try walking around the brick wall. You have more chance of dying by an asteroid collision than in a plane crash. The dimensions of the Space Shuttle, one of humanities greatest achievements, were specified over 2500 years ago by a horse. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they're not out to get you. Remember what you just said, because tomorrow I am going to have a witty and sarcastic comeback and you'll be devastated then! Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up. I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not. My favorite word is sarcasm. Percussive maintenance - the art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again A piece of cheese could come up with a plan more cunning than that. I'm not insane... i just do whatever the voices tell me to. Boys are like trees-they take 50 years to grow up. Life isn't passing me by; it's trying to run me over. Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it. Was that an earthquake, or did I just rock your world? Don't hate yourself in the morning-sleep till noon. When I say LOL I'm not laughing out loud. I just have nothing better to say. I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers. You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder. I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday. When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide. If you don't like me, there is nothing I can do. Here's a newsflash, honey; I don't live to please you. You know, there are poor people in Africa who can’t afford sarcasm, and yet you abuse it! Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids. Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark? Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !) Death is hereditary. There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side. A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing. Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking. They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours. If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side. Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Signs: Illiterate? Write for FREE HELP! Broken guitar for sale - no strings attached. 1. He's dead Jim. Kick him if you don't believe me 2. Oh yea? If you're so smart, why don't I understand you? 3. Oh, I'm sorry, were the voices in my head bothering you? 4. I can't remember the last time I forgot something. 5. Time is the best teacher, but it kills all its students. 6. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? 7. Why remember quotes when you can make them up? Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Sign on motorway garage: Seen during a conference: Notice in a field: Sign at Norfolk farm gate: Sign on a famous beauty parlor window: Notice in the toilet Advice: Never trust a dog to watch your food. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Stay away from prunes. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Never try to baptize a cat. Ways to annoy people: Sing the Batman theme incessantly. Ask people what gender they are. Practice making fax and modem noises. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..." If you have a glass, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. Speak only in a "robot" voice. Blow your nose when some one is eating. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "eat away your food " ! Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. Name your dog "Dog." Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training." Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace." Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person." Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." Drum on every available surface. Staple papers in the middle of the page. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. Set alarms for random times. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. only type in lowercase. dont use any punctuation either Repeat everything someone says, as a question. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. Wear a LOT of cologne. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture." Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. Never make eye contact. Never break eye contact. Make appointments for the 31st of September. Invite lots of people to other people's parties. Things you really shouldn’t say: That shirt makes you look fat. If I throw a stick, will you leave? Gosh, why don’t you kill me already and put me out of my misery? I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. No, that does not look good on you. Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods.. On Sears hairdryer: On a bag of Fritos: On a bar of Dial soap: On some Swann frozen dinners: On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: On packaging for a Rowenta iron: On Boot's Children's cough medicine: On Nytol sleep aid: On a Korean kitchen knife: On a string of Christmas lights: On a food processor: On Sainsbury's peanuts: On an American Airlines packet of nuts: On a Swedish chainsaw: On a child's Superman costume: some of my favourite qoutes from some fanfics: What would carlisle, with all his human love and compassion, do in a fight? Love his enemys to death?!some fanfic Now Bella, there will be no murder under my roof," Charlie looked at me sternly. "But as long as it’s outside and you hide the evidence so I can’t trace it back to you, then you will be fine."some fanfic "What would you do if your ipod ‘accidentally’ flew out the window?" he smiled an innocent smile, his eyes shimmering in his taunting."You put that down right now!" It came out more whining than threatening."What, Bella?" Mock shock played on his face. "I would never do something like that.""Edward, I’m going to come back there and bitch slap you.""But you’re driving.""I’ll pull over.""You sound like a mom.""And you sound like a guy who is about to get bitch slapped." some fanfic In that moment, all I cared about was that Bella had turned them down. She didn’t sound anymore excited about being subjected to the drunken advances of hormonal males than I did. some fanfic Sure.” After filling in the rest of the blanks, she handed the paper to him. “I’m pregnant,” he read. “Isn’t that that new Adam Sandler movie coming out on Friday? It looks funny, I wanna see it.” Thursday night, I stepped out of the shower and toweled myself off. I wrapped the towel around my torso and padded down the hallway to my room to change into my pajamas so I could get ready for bed. Suddenly, I heard a rustling sound coming from the dark living room. I stopped dead in my tracks and sucked in a breath as I caught a glimpse of a shadowy figure by the couch. My brain went into overdrive, trying to quickly formulate some sort of attack plan. Run into the bedroom and grab my phone to call the police. Sprint back to the bathroom for the hair dryer, so I could club the intruder to death. Or remove my towel and frighten the sicko with a view of my scary, pale naked self. some fanfic (i would so do the last one if i was her) would have been all over his ass like a fat kid looking for cake in a kitchen.idk were this is from - Alternative Universe “What’s so funny?” Bella asked as we stood there watching the tanning bed waiting for Emmett to emerge. “Actually I’m guarding Christian again so he’s my new roomie. Sorry,” I said as soon as I thought of it, which was quick seeing as I had just spoken about it with Eddie and Alberta. Christian groaned. “Cheer up, Sparky, you just get to spend lots more time with your favorite smart ass.” I smiled and he began banging his head against the table. I laughed. aftermath by pandoralovey “hey no fighting on my birthday and to make sure if you do you have to jump in the pool butt naked” Christian chin dropped so far I think it hit the ground. “So you see Mason, or think you do, and that is what has you scared half to death?”“I’d prefer it if you didn’t use the word ‘death’ but yea...” AH - All Human Before You Ask... AU Your One and Only Wish. Do it one by one; don't look ahead! 1. Write the name of a person of the opposite sex. THE ANSWERS 1. You are completely in love with this person. 2. If you chose: 3. If your initial is: 4. If you were born in: 5. If you chose... 6. This person is your best friend. 7. This is how many close friends you have in a lifetime. 8. If you chose... 9. If you chose... 10. This wish will come true only if you REPOST THIS BULLETIN in one hour! Do so and it will come true before your next birthday! This is a story about God. Read if you believe in him, and read even if you don't. A teenage girl about 17 named Diane had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year. She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away. As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger. When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it. However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her. She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection. Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her. When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely. The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep. Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station. She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story. The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him. She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before. When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed. The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her. She asked if they would ask the man one question. Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her. When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her." Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone. Did you know that 98 of teenagers will not stand up for God, and 93 of the people that read this won’t repost it? Repost this if you truly believe in God 1.Jasper 2.Alec 3.Emmett 4.Carlisle 5.Esme 6.Alice 7.Felix 8.Jane 9.Rosalie 10.Aro 11.Seth 12.mind rapist...OOPS! 1. Have you ever read a Six/Eleven fic? Do you want to? No, I have not. 2. Do you think Four is hot? How hot? ummm...I dont actually know... 3. What would happen if Twelve got Eight pregnant? Apart from it not being possible, I would want to anger those kids...bloody red headed midgets! 4. Can you recall any fics about Nine? Many. 5. Would Two and Six make a good couple? Height wise and 2 would be able to stop her shopping, cant shop without senses... 6. Five/Nine or Five/Ten? Why? 5/9 would be a gay couple ( no ofense) and a 5/10 would probably be a bit weird (5 is too kind to hang around a creepy crackpot) 7. What would happen if Seven walked in on Two and Twelve having sex? Dunno, with whats happening 7 would probably join in. 8. Make up a summary for a Three/Ten fic. Is that possible... 9. Is there such thing as a one eighth fic? Yes, there are three 10. Suggest a title for a Seven/Twelve hurt/comfort fic. Im not creative enough to make up titles... 11. Does anyone on your friends list read Three het? I dunno, my friends dont use fanfiction. 12. Does anyone on your friends list write or draw Eleven? see eleven 13. Would anyone on your friends list write Two/Four/Five? Again, see eleven. 14. If you wrote a Song-fic about Eight, what song would you choose? Just a little girl-Amy Studt (check youtube) 16. When was the last time you read a fic about Five? months ago. 17. "(1) and (7) are in a happy relationship until (9) runs off with (7). (1), brokenhearted, has a hot one-night stand with (11) and a brief unhappy affair with (12), then follows the wise advice of (5) and finds true love with (3). Jasper and Felix are in a happy relationship untill Rosalie runs off with Felix. Jasper, brokenhearted, has a hot one night stand with seth and a brief unhappy affair with mind rapist, then follows wise advice of esme and finds true love with emmett. WOW! That is soooooo messed up! some truly wacky things to try: 1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layby/lay away 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, 9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are. 11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. 12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.. 15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here! 16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "pikachu, I choose you!" DORMITORY: PRESBYTERIAN: ASTRONOMER: DESPERATION: THE EYES: THE MORSE CODE: SLOT MACHINES: ANIMOSITY: ELECTION - RESULTS: SNOOZE ALARMS: A DECIMAL POINT: THE EARTHQUAKES: ELEVEN PLUS TWO: If you thought those were cool, copy and paste them into your profile. ODD THINGS TEST. PASTE ON PROFILE WITH AN ASTERIX () BEFORE THE STATEMENT IF YOU HAVE NOT EXPERIENCED THAT ISSUE. Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were talking. You have ran into a tree. So far:9 You have tripped on your shoelace and fallen. So far: 14 You have accidentally caught something on fire So far: 17 Sometimes you just stop thinking. You have eaten a bug. So far: 24 You sometimes post bulletins because you are scared that what they say will happen to you if you don't even when you know it won't happen to you Your friends/family know not to use big words around you So far: 27 When you're laying in bed, you try to find pictures in the texture of the ceiling So far: 29 wow i mustbe stupid LOL!! :p If I ever met my favourite book/movie character (jasper), I would have many, many things to say, but right know the number one thing I would say is: ''I've got a litre of blood for anyone who can write me a civil war essay!'' Bad Things to Hear on an Airplane 10. This is your captain speaking and I don't feel that life is worth living anymore. In the newspaper the next day, a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of break failure. Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized his brake wasn't working but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead he had her hug him and tell him one last time that she loved him. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she would live even if he died. Copy this onto your profile if you would do the same thing for someone you love I am the girl that doesn't go to school dances, or games, and when I do go, I sit in a corner and read a book. I am the girl that people look through when I say something. I am the girl that spends most of her free time reading, writing, or doing other activities that most teenagers wouldn't call normal. I am the girl that people call weird and a freak either behind my back or to my face. I am the girl that doesn't spend all her time on MySpace, or talking to a girlfriend on a cell phone or regular phone. I am the girl that hasn't been asked out in a year. I am the girl that has stopped to smell the flowers and jump and splash in the rain. BUT I am also the girl who knows and is proud to be who she is, doesn’t care if people call her weird (it's a compliment), who loves reading and writing and doing the things that no one seems to have the time to do any more, who loves and is obsessed with Twilight, who can express herself better with words than actions, who doesn't need a guy to complete her, and knows the importance of the little things. Copy and paste this onto your account, and add your name to the list, if you are anything like me, so the girls who are different and unique can know in their weakest time that they are unique but not alone.: Iheartjake1220, FaerieRose13, Dancer4Life15,Marigold Winters, SparklingTopazEyes, FairyNinjaPrincess, MyImmortal01, Twilightxfanatic21, Twilightloverforeverandever, VampireChic666, Emmelee /l、 kitty! This is Kitty. Copy and paste Kitty into your (\)_(/) IF YOU JUST READ MY ENTIRE PROFILE I AM VERY SORRY! IT MUST TAKE SOMETHING LIKE A WHOLE HOUR TO DO SO! I WOULDNT BE BOTHERED...SO I AM SORRY IF JUST READ THE PROFILE! please, spread word of my stories (jokes...only if you wish...I dont control you...but please review) from the one, the only, Emmelee :) If you review my storys( only if you want to) I will add more chapters and plaese give me a few ideas of what you like and I might be able to get a good story out of it that you would like. What the point in writing storys if no one likes them. Remember, masterpieces dont happen on there own. |
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