Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

"Do not argue with an idiot, he will drag you down to his level and beat you with
experience"

"There are few problems that can’t be solved with high explosives"

\\\"To be a successful procrastinator you must be a genius because you take what other people do in a course of weeks and mash it all into a couple of hours.\\\" - David S. Clements

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'?

Where's that extra penny going to?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?

When French people swear do they say pardon my English?

There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.

" I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth!"

A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, You Know, Night

I’m Not A Complete Idiot; Some Parts Are Missing.

Someday your prince will come. Mine got lost, took a wrong turn, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The more I learn, the less I understand.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't

They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine.

Too many freaks, not enough circus's!

WARNING: mental backup in progress.

You have been a naughty boy, go to my room!

You Have The Right To Remain Silent. Anything You Say Will Be Misquoted And Used Against You

You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Only Speak To Me

Your village called, their idiot is missing.

"Before you criticize someone always walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you do criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes"

"Reality bites with a variety of sizes of teeth."

"Snowflakes are some of the most fragile things in the world but looks what happens when they stick together."

"Fashion is a type of ugliness so intolerable, that we have to change it every 6 months."

"It's not cheating unless you get caught and if you get caught lie through your teeth."

"Live long and prosper or live short and don't prosper... whichever works for you."

"It's better to keep silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubts."

"My head may be cracked but my insanity is still intact!"

"It's the friends that you can call up at 4 AM that matter."

"You have the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity"

“That’s it! I give up! There’s no talking to you people! And you wonder why I’m arrogant! If the rest of you weren’t such idiots, I might not feel so superior!”

"Society is thick, Normality is overrated, Lunacy is underestimated, and in the midst of it all, I remain relatively sane."

"If you do that I will kill you, then I will reincarnate you and kill you again!"

"The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple."

"Skill is being able to walk across Niagara Falls on a tightrope. Intelligence is not trying."

"Nice try, but you can't fool a fool."

"Nothing is impossible. Some things are just improbable."

"Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words."

"My mind works like lightning...one brilliant flash and it's gone."

"If the opposite of 'pro' is 'con', then what's the opposite of 'progress'?"

"We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police"

"If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk."

"Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?"

"Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now."

"Earth is the insane asylum for the universe."

"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

"Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to."

Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

82.7 of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think your on drugs.

I'll be sober tomorrow but you'll be ugly for the rest of your life.

"Where there's a will, there's a way. And where there's a way, then there's usually a stop sign somewhere along the road."

I'm scared to fall in love, scared to fall fast, because every time i fall in love...it never seems to last

Silence is silver...but Duct Tape is Shiny!

Life's Tough, get a helmet! (Eric from Boy Meets World)

"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on eBay."

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?

normal people worry me

you say psycho like it's a bad thing

those who think they know everything, annoy those of us that do

If you love somebody, they shouldn't make you cry, they should be worth crying over.

"I'm going to live life or die trying"

"We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams."

"We didn’t lose...we just ran out of time"unknown

"Here officer, hold my beer while I find my license."

If you die, I'll kill you!"

Be Quite Voices! Or I'll Poke You With A Q-Tip!

Its not cheating unless your caught. Till then it is called, Strategic Answer Retrieval (SAR).

"Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures.

Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to make your face frown, BUT,

it only takes 4 to extend your arm and bitch-slap that mother @#?&! upside the head... Pass it on."

All the good ones are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I'll get in trouble no matter what."

Good friends give you a ride. Close friends buy you a car. Best friends are the getting-away-from-the-scene-of-the-crime driver.

"Flying is merely what happens when you throw yourself at the ground and miss."

A straight line may be the shortest route between two points, but it is by no means the most interesting...

Always forgive our enemies - nothing annoys them so much.

"Love your enemies! It really pisses them off"

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

i hate it when the voices argue wit my imaginary friends

Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.

"People fear the strange and unusual. I am the strange and unusual."

How can I think outside of the box, if they won't let me out of it?

Children in frontseats can lead to accidents. Accidents in backseats can lead to children.

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.

Being normal is overrated.

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE that it's weird

I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh the fun I will have

You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor

"When all else fails blow shit up."

I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I am going to put an end to my procrastination problem. . . Tomorrow

I'm not insensitive, I just don't care

The evil gnomes poked me in the bum wit a stick.

Would you like a cookie? So would I.

We're all pretty bizarre. Some are just better at showing it.

Well the voices and I took a vote. It's unanimous; you suck.

Don't make me mad...I'm known to bite at random!!

Don't ever attempt a staring contest with a brick wall, they cheat a lot

I'm hearing voices in my head and they don't like you!

Don't walk in my footsteps. I walk into walls.

I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I could never find another man like you...Hell, half the time I can't even find where I parked the car.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

yo-yos were invented as a weapon

That which does not kill me had better run pretty dang fast.

If you're forced to choose between two evils, choose the one you've never tried before. ;)

Yes, I am insane, but every now and then I have these horrible periods of boredom where I have to be normal like you.

I did what they say and chose the road less traveled... Now where the heck am I?

We're all going to die...but I got a helmet.

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it's usually an oncoming express train.

When people don't laugh at our jokes, I don't think of it as a "You had to be there," thing. I think of it as a "You have to be clinically insane like us," thing.

If you ever stop to wonder if you have insane mental problems, then it's already too late for you. It's sad, but true.

If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.

My day isn't complete until I have freaked out a complete stranger.

I once gave up anime; it was the most terrifying weekend of my life.

I don't know what my problem is, but I do know its hard to pronounce.

The pen is mightier than the sword; no-one expects you to attack them with a pen.

Knowledge is power and power corrupts. Study hard; be evil.

You are NOT a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are made of the same decaying organic matter as everyone else.

You have the right to swing first. However, if you choose to swing first, any move you make can and will be used as an excuse to beat the shit out of you. You have the right to have a doctor and a priest present. If you cannot afford a doctor or are not presently attending a church of your choice, one will be appointed to you. Do you understand what I just told you, Asshole??

After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, "Well, maybe life isn't for everyone."

Evil Minions; not always as useful as one would hope.

Buckle up!! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car.

That's when I started breaking into people's houses. I didn't steal anything, but I did rearrange their furniture.

You laugh because I'm a little different; I laugh because I rigged your house with explosives.

Seeing Sasuke making funny faces amuses me greatly.

You can't make a person love you...You can only stalk them and hope for the best.

Slinky Escalator = Everlasting fun.

You know, just once I would like to meet an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.

I may not look like much, but I'm a pro at pretending to be a ninja.

Beware of women with kunai.

Do Not Disturb: Plotting

Stupid weatherman...Sunny and clear my ass.

"If you think nobody cares you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."

"Oh, good, my dog found the chainsaw." -Lilo (Lilo and Stitch)

People are like slinkies, basically useless. And yet it's so amusing to watch them fall down the stairs.

When you drink, you get drunk. When you get drunk, you sleep. When you sleep, you commit no sin. So let's all get drunk and go to heaven!

I'm such a REBEL. I leave a message BEFORE the beep.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every last minute of it!!

Kids like us should wear WARNINGS.

Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them.

You're a great friend but if the zombies chase us I'm tripping you.

It's shiny and in video game rules, it's important.

I Googled you today and I'm disturbed with what I found.

There's two kinds of people in the world, those who have a plan prepared for when the zombies take over the earth, and those who don't... We call those last people, dinner.

Stalkers are like your best friends. They just hide behind trees more.

It's a good thing I love you 'cause if I didn't, I'd call the men in white coats on you.

Hate is just a special kind of love we give to people who suck.

Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas.

Chaos, panic, pandemonium. My work here is done.

Why would I steel something that doesn't involve money...? Wait, that didn't come out right. What I meant to say was 'why would I steal something at all'. I'm a good girl.

"An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough." -Colbert

"Don't provoke the lunatic, alright." -Booth (Bones)

Irony: Falling down the stairs due to distraction by the "watch your step" sign.

"Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway" -Elbert Hubbard

Careful or you'll end up in my novel.

Fighting is mind over matter. I don't mind, and you don't matter.

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the first word you thought of. - Burt Bacharach

You have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. (Unless no one knows that you're responsible for it; then it's probably best to lie low and wait for it to blow over.)

When you lose, don't lose the lesson. (And the lesson is: "Vengeance!")

"The older you get, the sooner it ends."

Insanity is just a word for "eccentric genius"

"i am not insane...i am just looking for the entrance of the kingdom of mayonnaise"

I'm not supposed to make sense! That would defeat the purpose of confusing people!

As I lay in my bed one night, and stare at the stars; I wonder...Where the heck is my ceiling?!

Drive it like you stole it!

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific

We’re not lost. I’m just not quite sure where we are.

I didn’t escape from the mental ward! Those sirens are a complete coincidence!

You have the emotional capacity of this stapler

...not to mention that I went crazy again today.

A wise man once said, "Ask a girl."

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

Sanity? I never had such a useless thing to begin with!

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

When in doubt, push random buttons!

You wanna know why God created man before woman? Every masterpiece needs a rough draft!

There are three kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.

I respect your opinion, I just think it's stupid.

It's not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’re good.

They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?

Yes, of course I'm perfectly civil, but that's only because I choose to direct my anger towards such fruitful pursuits as plotting your untimely and gruesome death. Have a nice day, now.

"We've just witnessed what I like to call 'misdirected rage'. I believe the technical term is 'being an ass'."- Shigure (Fruits Basket)

"A hero has the power to move the world. A true hero has the power to destroy the world but chooses not to despite what the world thinks of them." -Joseph Patrick Lyons