Alaura Whitlock
 Author has written 1 story for Twilight. Here's the thing. I ain't in the mood to bore the hell out of readers by tellin' them about me. So here's the deal. I'll just post random funny stuff on my profile. Enjoy! ;-) Disclaimer: I got this off the internet. None of it's mine. Random Funny Stuff Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "How's that?" the would be accountant asked. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back." "I see," the accountant said. "And how much will my position pay?" "I'll start you at eighty five thousand," responded the owner decisively. "Eighty five thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" "That," the owner said, "is your first worry. Now get to work!" A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?" Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!' A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "Iguess you'd be eating alone, sir." A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad. Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play." Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with." Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?" Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed." The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad'scigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door. Mom : "Now what do I do?" Son : "Get your ass out of bed and fix that kid some ice cream." A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The funeral director," said his wife. Seen on a bumper sticker: If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you. Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?" Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time," The Doctor nods, "Hmm." Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?" "Hmm," says the Doctor, He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription. The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?" "No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for ahearing test." After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. "Show him right in!" our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was being ushered in, our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picked up the phone and shouted into it " ...and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!" Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; "Good Morning, Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?" "I'm from the phone company," Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here to connect your phone." During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life." In the December 15, 1993 issue of The Chronicle Of Higher Education, page A19, in an article discussing MBA programs; Lawrence E. McKibbin, Dean of Business at Washburn University of Topeka is quoted as saying: "You've got to remember there are at least 35 schools in the top 10." If this is the sort of math they teach MBA's, no wonder American business is in trouble. A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut. A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". Hespots some $ on a table and takes it...Once again he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks "Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird Moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER JESUS!". Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on. He said "It's Al Gore. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collectingdonations." "Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?" He said "about ten gallons." A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000. She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them" Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?" A Yuppie in a BMW is driving down the expressway when a speeding truck sideswipes his car tearing the driver's side door. When the cop arrives on the accident scene, he finds the Yuppie whining and complaining about his missing door and the damage to his vehicle. "You guys make me sick," says the cop. "You're so materialistic, so status-conscious, so selfish, so into yourselves and your possessions that you haven't even noticed that you lost your left arm in the accident. You're pathetic." "That's great, just great," whines the Yuppie. "Now I've lost my Rolex!" The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked. A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!" Dumb and Funny Warning Labels On Products Liquid Plummer Windex Toilet Plunger Dremel Electric Rotary Tool Arm & Hammer Scoopable Cat Litter Bowl Fresh Endust Duster Baby Oil Little Ones Baby Lotion Hair Coloring Wet-Nap Dial Soap Stridex Foaming Face Wash Hairdryer: Old Spice Red Zone Deoderant Sleeping Pills Christmas Lights Bic Lighter Komatsu Floodlight Fire Extinguisher: Earplugs Mattress Matches Pepper Spray Auto-Shade Widnshield Visor Fix-a-Flat Rain Gauge RCA Television Remote Control Pine Mountain Fire Logs Triops Fish Food Home Depot Treated Lumber Hair Dryer Road Sign Camera Road Sign Church Parking Lot Sign Children's Superman Costume Silk Soy Milk Air Conditioner Rowenta Iron Slush Puppy Cup American Airlines Peanuts Nabisco Easy Cheese Swanson TV Dinners Hershey's Almond Bar Heinz Ketchup 500-piece puzzle: Beach Ball Chainsaw Sears hairdryer: Bag of Fritos: Bar of Dial soap: Swann frozen dinners: Hotel provided shower cap in a box: Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Packaging for a Rowenta iron: Boot's Children's cough medicine: Nytol sleep aid: String of Chinese-made Christmas lights: Japanese food processor: Sainsbury's peanuts: American Airlines packet of nuts: Korean kitchen knife: Helmet mounted mirror used by us cyclists: New Zealand insect spray: Blanket from taiwan: Cardboard windshield sun shade: Infant's bathtub: Package of Fisherman's Friend throat lozenges: Disposable razor: Bottle of shampoo for dogs Curling Iron Hair Dryer Hair Dryer Hand-held Massaging Device Case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket. A toilet at a public sports facility Pair of shin guards made for bicyclists Container of Underarm Deodorant. Aim-n-Flame fireplace lighter. Toner cartridge for a laser printer 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow Can of self-defense pepper spray. Novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock" A frisbee A toilet bowl cleaning brush. A birthday card for a 1 year old. Heated seat cushion Microwave Oven: Electric Cattle Prod Can of air freshener. Silly Putty Knife sharpening stone Deodorant Rat Poison Portable stroller Dashboard of a mail truck Children's cough medicine Sign at a railroad station Bottom of a supermarket dessert box Package of dice. Bottled Drink: Shipment of hammers Manual for an SGI computer. Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle Electric Thermometer. Packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain. 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame Box of bottle rockets Wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack Box for a car jack Instructions for a cordless phone: Small print from car commercial which shows a car in the ocean Small print from a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert Bus Stop Church Sign Bag of Fritos Credit card statement. Laundromat triple washer Sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building Box of Pills Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11 Can of black pepper. Bag of cat biscuits Car Manual Espresso Kettle T.V. manual Label on a hammer VCR box Toilet brush Black rubber fishing worm Orange Juice Can: Depend Adult Diapers Furniture Wipes Stickers to put on the seat of a potty training toilet Lawnmower Instructions on the bottom of a grocery store pizza Bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle Bottle of bathtub cleaner Container of lighter fluid Box of household nails Microwave popcorn, packaged so that the directions cannot be read unless you open the plastic and unfold it Drink bottle label Woolite carpet cleaner Box of Frosted Cheerio's Sterno Container of salt Hose Nozzle Funny Quotes A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself. A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you. Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt. Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. As I get older, I just prefer to knit. Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did. By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. Electricity is really just organized lightning. Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got. Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. Food is an important part of a balanced diet. For your information, I would like to ask a question. Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. God did not intend religion to be an exercise club. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering. He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. He would make a lovely corpse. Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it. Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally. I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery. I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. I failed to make the chess team because of my height. I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people. I have a love interest in every one of my films - a gun. I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. I have never been hurt by what I have not said. I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. I intend to live forever. So far, so good. I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. I like children - fried. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. I like marriage. The idea. I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. I never said most of the things I said. I rant, therefore I am. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church. I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. I think serial monogamy says it all. I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier. I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair. I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room. I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more. I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style. If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer. In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers. Life is hard. After all, it kills you. Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him. My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic. My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. My inner child is not wounded. My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. Never fight an inanimate object. Never floss with a stranger. Never have more children than you have car windows. Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected. Never wear anything that panics the cat. Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food. Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. One man's folly is another man's wife. Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children. Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish. People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs. Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife. The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. The superfluous, a very necessary thing. The two basic items necessary to sustain life are sunshine and coconut milk. The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love. There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them. There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. TV is chewing gum for the eyes. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience. We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect. Weather forecast for tonight: dark. What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement? When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog. You're only as good as your last haircut. THIS IS A STORY ABOUT GOD. READ IF YOU BELIEVE IN HIM, AND READ EVEN IF YOU DON'T. A teenage girl about 17 named Diane had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year. She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away. As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger. When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it. However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her. She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection. Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her. When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely. The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep. Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station. She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story. The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a line up to see if she could identify him. She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before. When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed. The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her. She asked if they would ask the man one question. Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her. When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her." Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone. Did you know that 98 of teenagers will not stand up for God, and 93 of the people that read this won’t repost it? Repost this if you truly believe in God. PS: God is always there in your heart and loves you no matter what, and if you stand up for him he will stand up for you. ONE DAY A DAD COMES HOME DRUNK AND MAD. HE PULLS OUT A GUN AND SHOOTS HIS WIFE AND THEN TURNS THE GUN ON HIMSELF. HIS LITTLE GIRL SITS BEHIND THE COUCH CRYING. THE POLICE CAME AND TOOK THE LITTLE GIRL TO A NEW FAMILY. HER FIRST DAY TO SUNDAY SCHOOL SHE WALKS INTO THE BUILDING AND SEES A PICTURE OF JESUS ON THE CROSS. THE LITTLE GIRL ASKS THE TEACHER: How did that man get off the cross? THE TEACHER REPLIED: He never did. THE LITTLE GIRL ARGUED: Yes he did when mommy and daddy fought he sat next to me behind the couch telling me everything was gonna be alright... 66 of u won't repost this. BUT REMEMBER THE BIBLE SAID, ''DENY JESUS IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS AND I WILL DENY YOU IN FRONT OF MY FATHER."Repost this IF YOUR NOT ASHAMED. Let God's love spread I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw a Cashier hand this little boy some money back. The boy couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old. The Cashier said, "I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll." Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ''Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?'' The old lady replied: ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.'' Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look a round. She left quickly. The little boy was still holdingthe doll in his hand. Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to. "It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for hristmas. She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her." I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry. But he replied to me sadly. "No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there." His eyes were so sad while saying this. "My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.'' My heart nearly stopped. The little boy looked up at me and said: "I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall." Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me "I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me. " "I love my mommy and I wish she doesn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister." Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly. I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. "Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?'' "Ok" he said, "I hope I do haveenough." I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money. The little boy said: "Thank you God for giving me enough money!" Then he looked at me and added, "I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give It to my sister. He heard me!'' "I also wanted to have enough money to buy a wh ite rosefor my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But He gaveme enough to buy the doll and a white rose.'' "My mommy loves white roses." A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket. I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started. I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind. Then I remembered a local newspaper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl. The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma. Was this the family of the little boy? Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the newspaper that the young woman had passed away. I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before her burial. She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest. I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed forever.. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine. And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.Now you have 2 choices: Now you have 2 choices. 1) Repost this message. 2) Ignore it as if it never touched your heart Do it one by one, don't look ahead! 1. Write the name of a person of the opposite sex. 2. Which is your favorite color out of red, black, blue, green, yellow? 3. Your first initial? 4. Your month of birth? 5. Which color do you like more, black or white? 6. Name a person of the same sex as yours. 7. Your favorite number? 8. Do you like California or Florida more? 9. Do you like the lake or the ocean more? 10. Write down a wish (a realistic one) Are you done? If so, scroll down (don't cheat--) THE ANSWERS 1. You are completely in love with this person. 2. If you choose: Red: You are alert and your life is full of love. Black: You are conservative and aggressive. Green: Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back. Blue: You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love. Yellow: You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down. 3. If your initial is: A-K: You have a lot of love and friendships in your life. L-R: You try to enjoy life to the maximum and your love life is soon to blossom. S-Z: You like to help others and your future love life looks very good. 4. If you were born in: Jan.-Mar.: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected. Apr.-June: You will have a strong love relationship that won't last long but the memories will last forever. July-Sept.: You will have a great year and experience a major life changing experience for the good. Oct.-Dec.: Your love life will not be too great, but eventually you will find your soul mate. 5. If you choose.. Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change. White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do and will do anything for you, but you may not realize it. 6. This person is your best friend. 7. This is how many close friends you have in a lifetime. 8. If you choose.. California: You like an adventure. Florida: You are a laid back person. 9. If you choose.. Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your love. And you are very reserved. Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people. 10. This wish will come true if you RE-POST THIS BULLETIN in one hour and it will come true before your next birthday! Watch and re-post this on your profile. |
My Life, My World, My Independence reviews