I'm so funny, they gave me a jacket that makes me hug myself.

When life gives you lemons, make apple juice and laugh as the world wonders how you did it.

When life gives you lemons, you better ask for water and sugar too, or your lemonade is really gonna suck.

When life gives you lemons, throw them back and yell "MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN LEMONADE!"

When life gives you lemons, you must be on fanfiction.net.

When life gives you lemons, read them.

Roses are red,
Some condoms are blue,
STDs are contagious,
so watch who you screw.

Don't have phone sex. You'll get hearing AIDS.

I always have to choose my words wisely in front of my friends or it'll get twisted into something perverted.

If you think what I'm saying is inappropriate, you should hear what I keep to myself.

MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I take pleasure in the fact that you have no idea what I'm laughing about.

There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

If tomato is a fruit, then ketchup is technically a smoothie!

Dear parents,
Jasmine married a dirty homeless boy named Aladdin. Snow White lived alone with seven men. Pinnochio was a liar. Robin Hood was a thief. Tarzan walked around naked. Sleeping Beauty married a stranger who kissed her. Cinderella snuck out to go to a party.
It's not our fault. It's how you raised us.

Life is tough. It's tougher when you're stupid.

Never take life seriously. It's not like anyone gets out alive anyway.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do judge them, you're a mile away from them, and have their shoes.

Heaven doesn't want me, and hell's afraid I'll take over.

Don't you just hate it when the voices argue with your imaginary friends?

Everyone should believe in something. I believe I shoud have another beer.

When asked a deep question, you can always trust me to come up with a bullshit answer.

Be good kids. But if you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, DON'T GET CAUGHT.

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.

I'm not mean. I just say what most people keep to themselves.

Get outta my happy place or I'll rip your arm off.

I'm not violent! Take that back or I'll punch you!

I don't have an anger problem. I have an idiot problem.

I don't need anger management. I just need for people to stop ticking me off.

Idiots...idiots everywhere...and they VOTE. and REPRODUCE.

There are no stupid questions. Just stupid people.

If you wanna get people angry, lie. If you wanna get people absolutely livid with rage, tell the truth.

My favorite number in the alphabet is green.

Sarcasm. My first language.

I'm not immature! I just know how to have fun without the drugs! You should try it sometime.

What was that? I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.

I love that awkward moment when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus.

If you see a stranger, follow them.

Last week, some guy broke into my apartment. He didn't take the tv. Just the remote. Now, he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard.

Nyquil: the non-stuffy, non-sneezy, why the fuck is the room spinning medicine.

Me and Dignified go together like swords and peanut butter.

I'm not gossiping. I'm merely stating the twisted facts.

Whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried to drown a fish, slam a revolving door, or nail jello to a wall.
Besides, I've been doing nothing for years.

Haikus are easy,
but sometimes they don't make sense.
Refrigerator.

Scissors are fun! You can cut stuff with them!

I think that dolphins are the smartest creatures in the world. They can train Americans to stand at the edge of a pool and throw them fish.

I'm not a whore. I'm just popular!

Ants don't deserve happiness. They're using up lots of happiness that can be used for people.

Leap before you think! That way you don't have time to get scared about it!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He doesn't expect to be paid back.

I ran out of magic.

Never underestimate the power of an extremely pissed-off woman.

You know what's sad? I can memorize tons of funny, stupid, wierd, and sarcastic comments, and yet I can't even remember to do my homework.