Greetings, and welcome to my humble abode.

Instead of offering the traditional niceties and self-indulgent blather, let me cut to the chase.

I am a critic. You probably already know this. If so, you are probably here in order to question my judgement, exact some misguided "revenge", or attempt to shame or ridicule me in some way.

This will not work. Instead, let me direct you to my FAQ. Most of these are questions I have already been asked. However, I have taken the liberty of correcting their spelling. Even if some people cannot spell to save their miserable, grammar-less lives, I can, and I take great pride in that fact.

Question: What gives you the right to flame my/insert-terrible-author's-name-here's story!?!?!? ;(

Answer:

1) I live in a free country. Clichéd answer, I know, especially in response to a clichéd story. But fighting fire with fire is always a good solution, especially when it comes to dealing with rabid fangirls.

2) I can spell. I can also use punctuation correctly. You cannot. This automatically places me higher in the invisible hierarchy of fanfiction writers.

3) When you publish a story online, you are submitting it to the eyes of the public. This means that your story will not only be viewed by other idiotic specimens, but by discerning readers as well. The "review" button is not only accessible to fangirls of the moronic variety. Discerning readers also posess the ability to offer their honest opinions on your story/work/piece of garbage.

4) The "review" button is a "review" button. Absurd, I know. The "review" button should never be mistaken for a "positive-feedback-only" button or a "blatant-fawning-and-flattery" button.

Question: How can you criticize my story if you haven't written any?! You're a hypocrite! Writing a story is really hard, but you wouldn't know that! You can't judge!

Answer: Here is where you are wrong (or at least slightly more wrong than usual). I have, in fact, written stories on this site. A good number of them, in fact. On another account, of course. Do you really think I would subject my stories to revenge-flaming? Talk about illogical.

Question: What is your real account name?

Answer: You can always ask. Of course, if you're a vengeful fangirl, I reserve the right to tell you to fuck off.

Not-Really-A-Question: You're a pretentious little bastard/bitch!

Answer: Bitch, thank you very much. I appreciate the compliment. But do you even know what "pretentious" means?

Still-not-a-question: I know your real account name!

Answer: I doubt it, but it's possible. Go ahead and give it a shot. If nothing else, you'll amuse me.

Another-non-question: Haha! I just trolled you!

Answer: No, honey, you didn't. "Trolling" implies me getting angry or frustrated. In all likelihood, my only reaction to your word-vomit was a derisive snort, or, for the particularly terrible authors, a laugh.

Question: Can you review my story?

Answer: Possibly. It's good that you're willing to accept criticism. Although I have a beta profile on my writing account, I don't have one here. If you want me to be your beta, feel free to send me a PM and I will reply to you shortly. I specialize in everything. Pretentious, maybe, but true.

Question: Why do you have to be so mean? Fanfiction is for fun! It doesn't have to be good!

Answer:

1) Honest doesn't always mean "mean", honey. Harsh criticism is good for you. Like green beans!

2) Fanfiction is for fun. Making your readers' eyes bleed is not.

3) Yes, it does.

Question: Does your mother know what an asshole you are?

Answer: Who do you think taught me? Criticism is part of life. Get used to it.

Question: You know, people put time and effort into the works you tear apart. You might hurt their feelings.

Answer: And you don't think I put time and effort into tearing them apart?

If you genuinely want me to help you with a story, PM me.

If you genuinely want to improve your work but don't like me, try this:

I didn't write it, but it's very informative. This was made for the Kuroshitsuji fandom, but some sections are relevant for all.