Quotes

Real Life

Me: The alphabet and the numerical system shouldn't be used together!

Random Places

If ignorance is bliss, then why is there school?

Dumb man fish on land, smart man fish on boat, dead man fish in middle.

Good deeds are things you do to get out of prison.

It’s only a matter of time before the king of the hill trips and rolls down.

If time is so valuable, then why are we always looking to kill some?

The solution to skin cancer…become nocturnal.

Strange is only a matter of perspective.

When you're little, toys are colorful chunks of plastic. When you're older, they're something that's potentially dangerous.

I reject your reality and substitute it with my own. (Mythbusters)

Those who can't sing, rap. Those who can't rap do it anyways. (My friend)

Finding exactly where a bruise, bandaged area, or injection site is, is the real human sixth sense.

I have short term memory loss. I have short term memory loss. I have short term memory loss.

Murphy's 15 Other Laws...

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like. . . well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90 percent probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end,
someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by
those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish
and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of
twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Lucky in Love

Tucker: [as Sam's staring daggers at Danny and Paulina, who are now a couple] You okay? Sam: Of course I am! Why would I not be okay? LOOK how HAPPY he is! [punches a hole in a locker]

Frightmare

Danny:Why are dreams so important?

Nocturne:Ask the ghost boy who dreams about the goth girl.

Danny:Aw man!That was private!

Identity Crisis

Super Danny:Dueling doppleganger!Have you last half of our minds!

Fun Danny:Dude,I'm not the one wearing a bed sheet.

After Jazz sucked Danny in the thermos by accident

Jazz:Don't worry Danny.We'll get you out,eventually.

My Brother's Keeper

Jazz: ...You know, you can stop me at any time.

Danny: I know.

Jazz: [sighing] All I'm saying is I'm your sister and I care about you. [putting a hand on his shoulder] And even though you don't think I'll understand, you can talk to me about anything.

Danny: [Looking away, like he's seriously considering it] Um...

[Suddenly there is a loud crash, startling both Danny and Jazz. They run to the opening overlooking the living room to find the couch half destroyed and smoking. The camera zooms out to show Jack wielding the Fenton Peeler and Maddie looking on.]

Jack: I'm just saying, if we can find that ghost at Jazz's school, we're gonna peel that ghost like an onion!

Maddie: Well we can't completely vaporize it. Don't you want to at least examine the remains?

[Pan back to Jazz and Danny, looking vaguely alarmed, with Jazz's hand on Danny's shoulder. Danny frowns and shrugs it off.]

Danny: I don't feel like talking about it. [walks away and crosses his arms sulkily]

Jazz: [resignedly] Yeah, I'd imagine not.

[Going over to him, she kisses the top of his head then walks away. Danny looks surprised for a moment then smiles after her. Then, on second thought]

Danny: Oh, gross!

Identity Crisis

Super Danny: Say, you wear an awful lot of black for a superhero sidekick. Have you considered switching to bright primary colors!

Sam: Tucker, wait up!

Fun Danny: [on a roller coaster] Oh, man, this is the life. I wish I could stay on this ride, like, forever.[All of the rides in the fair suddenly stop and the sky darkens.]

Sam: And you may just get your wish.

Tucker: Why couldn't you wish for super models?

Super Danny: Did someone say, "super"?!

Sam: Ah, somebody kill me.

Secret Weapons

Jazz: You're toast!

Danny: Oh yeah? You and what toaster?

Please don't drop you're cigarette buds on the floor, the cockroaches are getting cancer.

Don't play stupid with me...I'm better at it!

Your laughing now because your older than me by mere months, but when you 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?

Its not until you're broken that you know what you're made of.

Forecast for tonight: darkness

If you try to fail and succeed, which one did you do?

If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked something

We're not retreating! We're advancing in a different direction!

-The below statement is true

-The above statement is false

PMS: Every woman's legal right to be a bitch.

Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them as much

I'm mature and you're not. Nah nah nah nah nah!

Eat healthy. Work right. Die anyway.

Everyone is beautiful on the inside. If you think bones and guts are beautiful.

My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse!

Looking for a perfect girl? Go buy yourself a barbie doll.

Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhh its a secret!

Quick, whats the number for 9-1-1?

You should always proofread what you write in case you any words.

Boys are like trees, they take 50 years to grow up.

The tooth fairy teaches kids it's okay to sell body parts.

I'm not crazy. My reality is just different then yours.

Most people learn by observation, and there are the few who learn by experimentation. And then there are those who actually TOUCH the fire to see if it's really hot.

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic...

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most

Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

People who don't know me think I'm quiet. People who do wish I was.

I didn't slap you, I high-fived your face.

Ever notice that studying is "student" and "dying" put together?

On a scale of 1 to crazy I'm a penguin.

I see no good reason to act my age.

Be a dork!! Because being cool is overrated.

At this moment, you're the oldest you've ever been. Pretty deep huh?

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

Hey you! Yeah you! No, not you, the other guy. You right there! Do you like tacos?

Worst time to have a heart attack; during a game of charades.

Out of my mind. Be back in five minutes.

Flying is not inherently dangerous- crashing is.

The trouble with real life is that there is no background music

I have not lost my mind; its backed up on a disk somewhere

There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line

I'm the kind of person who walks into a chair and apologize

If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with nonsense

I ran into my ex today. Then I put it in reverse and hit him again.

I don't need your attitude. I got one of my own

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics

A good girl is just a bad girl who's never gotten caught.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is my ceiling?

I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are missing.

When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.

If you always stop to smell the roses sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

You say physco like it's a bad thing

I hear voices, and they don't like you

Education is important, school however, is another matter.

I would be more scared if you were aiming for the person next to me.

I think they named oranges before they named carrots. "Hey, what are these?" "They're Orange." "What about these?" "Ah Shit!"

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods; Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN.

I intend to live forever *looks at watch* so far, so good

Old enough to know better, young enough to do it again

You're awesome... but when the zombies come, I'm tripping you

God created men first because you always make a rough draft before a masterpiece.

The next time you think your perfect, try walking on water.

Don't follow in my footsteps. I tend to walk into walls

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

I smile because I have no idea what's going on!

The trouble with alarm clocks is that they always go off when you're asleep.

It's funny--the people who want quiet are always the loudest getting people to shut up.

I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you... you're just not laughing.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?

Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect to get it back!

One way to find out if something works: push all the buttons.

If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.

Tell the truth and run.

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be research.

Freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong.

If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.
If ya can't join 'em, bribe 'em.
If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em.
If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em.
If ya can't kill 'em, you're screwed.

If your heart was really broken . . . you'd be dead so shut up.

If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can't fix it, you have a serious problem.

They laugh because we're losers . . . . We laugh because they just figured it out.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!

If you don't like me, there is nothing I can do. Newsflash, Honey, I don't live to please you.

You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile, and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.

Silence is golden . . . duct tape is silver.

"Sir, we're surrounded!" "Excellent, we can attack in any direction!

One day, your prince will come. Mine? Oh, he just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject

I write for the same reason I breathe; if I didn't I would die.

Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that

Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.

You know you're stressed out when you can hear mimes.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

I'm not afraid of death! What's it going to do? Kill me?

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person can't.
this is this cat
this is is cat
this is how cat
this is to cat
this is keep cat
this is a cat
this is retard cat
this is busy cat
this is for cat
this is forty cat
this is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down and I bet you can't resist passing it on.

U.S Laws :

In Alaska, it is illegal to wake up a sleeping bear to take its picture

Again, in Alaska, it's illegal to push a moose out of a moving airplane

In New York, Arizona, and Georgia, it is illegal for a donkey to sleep in a bath tub.

In Idaho it is illegal to go fishing from the back of a camel or giraffe.

It is illegal to keep a pet tiger inside of a New York City apartment.

. In Florida, if an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking meter's time must be paid for.

In Bladwin Park, California, you are not allowed to ride a bycicle in a swimming pool

In New Jersey, It is Illegal To Wear A Bulletproof Vest While Committing A Murder (but committing a murder IS?)

In Connecticut, A Pickle Is Not Officially A Pickle Unless It Bounces.

In North Carolina, Bingo Games Can't Last More Than Five Hours

In Connecticut, It's Illegal To Walk Across A Street On Your Hands

In Columbus, Ohio it is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.

In Youngstown, Ohio it is illegal to run out of gas.

In Oklahoma, whale hunting is strictly illegal (note: there are no whales in Oklahoma)

Rhode Islands says it is illegal to throw pickle juice on a trolley.

In Hawaii you aren't allowed to put coins in your ears

Peanuts are not allowed to be sold in Lee County, Alabama after sunset on Wednesdays.

When in Alabama, it is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

You cannot chain your alligator to a fire hydrant in New Orleans.

You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time in Alabama.

In Alaska kangaroos are not allowed in barber shops at any time.

In Arkansas it's illegal to mispronounce the state's name.

Unmarried woman cannot parachute on Sundays in Florida.

It is illegal to fart in a public place after 6:00pm on a Thursday in Florida. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit in Florida.

Minnesoda declares that hamburgers are not allowed to be eaten on Sundays

Newark: It is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.

In ancient Hawaii, it was illegal to smile. If you were caught smiling, you'd be exiled or even killed.

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America . MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glen, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLEN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLEN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher.