There's really not much to say about me. However, I will tell you that I have the mentality of a fly swatter, the brain of a peanut shell, the maturity of a 5-year-old, the attention span of a sesame seed, and the personality of a noodle. So please forgive me if my stories

A. Suck
B. Take forever to be updated
C. Taste like salami
D. All of the above

and go to this site, because i told you to: http:www.espinthebottle.com/go2/757?tf=3833568

But, now for the really fun part of any decent profile...RANDOM AND STUPID QUOTES!

"STOP VIOLATING ME!" -Me, to Liz, at the wave pool. She kept grabbing my arm...it was getting annoying.

"I can't do this...wave over head I'm too short!" -Josh, also at the wave pool, having some trouble keeping his head above the water. MightI add that he's like 5'10", and I'm 5'3" and not having trouble at all.

"That's what the guys like. Dey like de curvy bodies." -Kelly

"Wow, you're really good at this." -Melissa, to me, while I'm putting cheese on a hot dog .

"My kidney's about to explode!" -Amanda

"I wonder if he got me a present...If he did, it's like, 'Oh Zach, thank you!' (air kiss) and then it's like...wow, you're a really good kisser...have you been practicing on a skinny girl?" -Bethany

"Oh oh oh! You should come in with spiky hair and a belly shirt and a nose ring and be like, hey, I'm a nun." -Bethany, again.

"The song is selling false hope. The sun might NOT come out tomorrow, you don't know that!" -Peter

"Hey I'm gonna shizzle yo nizzle...how do you shizzle a nizzle? What's a nizzle, anyway?" -Sarah

"I'm just gonna eat some Chinese food in the corner and DIE." -me

"If the guys spend so much time away, how do the girls get pregnant then?" -RJ

"As far as we know, Earth is the only planet with civilized life. The other planets have bacteria and stuff, but they don't wear hats." -Rachel...I don't even want to know.

"How does she fit her butt on the toilet?" -Ashley

"Her you-know-whats are sticking out really bad." -Ashley, again.

"Person plus tomato equals ducky?" -Me

Bethany: How do you say Bethany backwards? Hmm...(looks down at jacket w/ her name on it) yu-na-hut-teb
Me: It sounds like 'you in a hot tub'!

"I love Legolas. He has blond eyes, blue hair..." -Natalie

Mr Conklin: Do you think he's like their Will (from Will and Grace)?
Peter: Or Jack.
Mr Conklin: Let's see how he kicked the soccer ball ( rewinds video, we all watch kid)
Class, in unison: He's Jack!

"When do you want to get your Doppin Dits?" -Liz's dad...he didn't quite understand the concept of Dippin Dots.

"You stupid cornflake monkey loser!" -Peter, to me. I forget what I was doing, but I was wearing a monkey sweatshirt when he got annoyed with me. Where he got the cornflakes, I don't know.

"I am your Uncle Kracker, and I am out to get you!" -me.

Me (singing): She's kissing in her sleep, she's a French mouse, kissing her pillow...
Liz: You know I'm awake, right?

"Do cheerleaders listen to country music ?" -Nicole

"But do they ever compliment us? N-O!" -Sierra. No explanation.

"I hate white girls." -Sierra, again. I must add that she is white.

Shelly: What's lubricant?
Sarah: Lubricant makes stuff slippery, right?
Shelly: OH I get it now. Aww gee I can ask you guys anything!

"When you get pregnant, you get milk in your boobs, and then you shake them!" -Bethany. She was stating what she thought "milkshake" meant.

"It's like I go up to Caity and be like 'I have good news' and she'd be like 'what' and I'd say 'I'm dumping you!' and she'd say 'That's not good news!' and I say 'It is for Vince!'" -Jake

Bethany (whispering to me): Some guys talk big to make up for what's small...
Me: Ha ha ha
Bethany: Hey Jake, is that true for you?
Jake: Yeah.
Me and Bethany: (die laughing)

"Oh yeah, this is MY song!" -Josh, in the van. You gotta love this kid, I mean when was the last time you heard a GUY actually say that?

Me: Oh no, is that my mom? No...it's not
Bethany: Ha ha
Me: If that was my mom, I'd be like, NO mom, there's shirtless guys here! (This was at Liz's b-day pool party , so yeah)

"Is someone standing in front of it, or am I going blind!" -Me

"You know what? You know what I told my daddy? I told him, Kimberly and Damien make a great two." -My cousin, Nikki (not Nicole, above). I must add that Nikki was 4 when she said this, and that Damien is my 18-year-old second cousin.

Josh: I can stand all the way out here in the pool on my tippytoes...
Me: Good for you!
Josh: (High pitched voice) Tippytoes, tippytoes!
Me: Alrighty then...
Josh: Tippytoes, tippytoes!
Me: Oh my gosh, will you-
Josh: TIPPYTOES, TIPPYTOES!

Katie: My dad's gay.
Suzy: Really?
Katie: Yeah
Suzy: Your dad's cool then

Me: Children, you are all beautiful!
Jamie: Except for Joey
Joey: (pouts)
Me: (in accent of Stephanie Tanner from Full House) How wude!

Bethany: There's a puddle of mud here!
Megan: You mean like the band?

My mom: You're in a very argumentative mood.
My uncle: No I'm not!

"Don't be getting vocal with me!" -Heather

"Oh, hold on, let me think...Blaze, uhh, Tornado, hmmm...uhmm...Jesse McCartney?" -Vicki, trying to remember the names of Lindsay's cats.

"I think anyone with a butt big enough for its own zip code is a little weird." -Kevin

"(singing) I know somewhere somehow we'll...ooooh...and take me...oh screw it" -Me. Ocean Avenue was on the radio, and I started singing it, but I forgot they don't say that part the first time.

Amber: How long have you been going out with him?
Bethany: 10 months...
Amber: 10 months? That's longer than I was married! (I feel compelled to add that Amber has never been married.)

Katie: I'm worried that band camp is turning me into a lesbian...
Me (joking, obviously): In that case...

"You purpley pink yellow blue red green orange BROWN!" -Becky's mom, using some colorful language.

"I'm not so sure he's straight, but hey, he's cute." -Kylie

"What's up with this whole blue sky thing?" -Joe

Josh (referring from the tower we were standing on to a tower about 10 yds away): Wouldn't it be fun to jump from here to there?
Liz: Umm, I don't think you would make that.
Me: Well, unless you were Spiderman!

"True that boo!" -Me

Bethany: Spanish is the second most commonly used language in the U.S.
Me: Well German is the most commonly used language in GERMANY!

"You're such a neck in the pain." -Nikki

"Frodo lives!" -Becky

"Oh yeah, get crunk!" -Becky, again.

"I love cherry." -Kaylyn, while eating a strawberry lollipop.

"It's not like they'd even bother to ring the doorbell though." -Me...you don't want to know.

"WHOA that's Ashlee Simpson!" -Me, AGAIN.

"Hello, this is William Hung. Enjoy singing." -Me, yet again!

"Quit making out with the bottle, Lindsay." -Becky

"Go to bed!" -Sierra

thexcption15 (josh): so how's stuff?
rubberducky1016 (me): not bad, you?
thexcption15: except i wouldn't want to get up that early lol no offense
rubberducky1016: none taken?
thexcption15: oops wrong window
thexcption15: my bad

My mom: Could you get-
Me: No.

Bethany: (shows me kitkat stick which is completely sideways in her mouth) Look!
Me and Bethany: (die laughing)
Bethany's daddy: Did I miss something?
Me and Bethany: (still die laughing)
Bethany's daddy: Could one of you possibly tell me what happened here?
Me: (tries to take deep calming breath but instead makes a creaking sound)
Bethany: (dies laughing)
Me: (takes a normal deep breath yet cannot stop laughing)
Bethany: It broke!

Me (referring to deer Bethany's uncle and other people were cutting up): Blecch, that's so gross.
Bethany: Ugh, I know.
Me: I'm definitely becoming a vegetarian.
Bethany: Me too.
Me: I can't watch this anymore! (walks away)
Bethany: Ewwww... (stands still)
Me: Bethany, just stop watching it!
Bethany: I can't help it, it's just so gross, I can't stop watching it!
Me: (literraly drags her away)
Bethany: (promptly runs back) Auggh that is SO NASTY!

"We were beautiful and dangerous...what does that mean? Does that mean one second it's I'm so pretty and the next it's I'M GOING TO EAT YOU!" -Me...don't ask.

"GRAPE?" -Bethany

"I'm gonna create a college. It will be called the Institutional Collegiate University of Pennsylvania. That way, the letters will be ICUP." -Me

"PICK DAT UP!" -Me, again.

"Based on my lack of success with girls, I have no choice but to become gay." -Peter

Jamie: Why?
Peter: Why not?

"I'm just waiting for Nocita to get up and stab Jubic and scream I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" -Mr. Michalow

Jamie: My only guess is that it's not a human.
Me: I like that theory!
Jamie: Yeah, because child doesn't have to mean it's a human. And if it's not human, it can't really be a US citizen.
Me (to Becky, pointing to Jamie): This one says it's a squirrel.
Becky: (laughs)
Jamie: I didn't say it was a squirrel, just that it wasn't human.
Me (whining): But it's FUNNER if you say it's a squirrel!
Jamie: Okay then...it's a squirrel.
Me: YAY.

Me: Feel the squishiness!
Jamie: Uh, what's in it?
Me: Water. And starch. In a selectively permeable membrane.
Jamie: Oh. I thought it was some kind of acid or something.
Me: No, sorry.
Jamie: It should be some really strong acid, and I'd pop it, and everyone would just DIE.

Me: You're easily amused, aren't you?
Peter: (nods)
Andrew: Well you're laughing!
Me: You're too technical!
Andrew: No, you're saying he's easily amused while you're laughing!
Me: My head hurts.
Andrew: (laughs at me...jerk)
Me: No really, it's not amusing to dangle the shoe in front of his face. It is, however, amusing toWATCH the shoe being dangled in front of his face!

Me: Stuff like that makes my head hurt.
Peter: Your head must hurt pretty often then.
Me: It does!
Nick and Jamie: (trying to suppress laughing)
Me (redneck accent): Shut up

Mr Veshio: So, Becky said, Hmmm, these angles are supplementary...(this went on a few more sentences, but I don't remember it all)
Me (jokingly): Really? Cause I didn't hear her SAY all that.
Mr Veshio: No? Well, I did.

Rob: (sneezes)
Me and Becky: Bless you?
Jamie: Why is it a question?
Becky: I wasn't sure if it was actually a sneeze or not!
Me: PLEASE. My head hurts. Don't be so analytical...analyzing? How does one say?

Mr Veshio: (rhetorically) Hmmm, it looks like a triangle, doesn't it?
Me: NO, it looks like a PINEAPPLE.

"I'm going to have a class called Michalow Story Time. In which I tell stories. And fence with Gogalack." -Mr. Michalow

Zach: Did you tell your brother what I said?
Jamie: Yeah. And he told me to tell you something back...but I don't remember...

"My uncle wanted potato soup. So we went to Eat N Park. To get potato soup. Only they didn't have potato soup. And he got all swole about it." -Me

Becky: Wouldn't it be fun to make up new words to Castle On A Cloud?
Me: Um, no?
Becky: It would be like, (singing) 'I amsleeping in my bed, my mother thinks that I am dead'
Me: Shut. Up.
Becky: (still singing) 'She really needs to let me sleep, can she not see I'm smiling...like a sheep?'

"I have SARS! AAAAAAHHHHHHH" -Me

Mitty (in movie): I'll take these dog biscuits.
Peter: Awwww!
Me: He was supposed to say 'Puppy biscuit'!
Peter: I know! What a ripoff!

Me: Well, that was stupid.
Jamie: That was very stupid.
Me: I concur.

Jamie: What's 144 divided by 16?
Me: UHHHHHHHH...umm, I dunno
Sarah (finishes reading Mindtrap question to the class): Sooo...?
Random people in class: Well it could be...(blah blah insert thing here)
Jamie: What was the question?
Me: I dunno, I was too busy trying to figure out 144 divided by 16!

Michalow: Show me your papers when you're done.
Me (few minutes later...brings paper up): Okay, I'm done.
Michalow: What, do you want a hug or something?
Me (sarcastically): YEAH.
Michalow: (hugs me) There you go, happy now?
Me: (sarcastically) Uh huh!
Michalow: OkayCom...Young
Me: NOW I'M ANGRY! GEEZ!
(hesays I look like a guy in my class whose last name is Comer...although nobody elsehas ever said I look ANYTHING like him)

MOCK TRIAL MOMENTS

Jack: So. KC. Does Max get weird looks?
Nino: (jumps up) OBJECTION! THAT IS A LEADING QUESTION!
Jamie: Nino. It's cross examination. It's SUPPOSED to be leading.
Me: And he's on your side you ding-dong!

Nino: Do you recognize this?
Me: Yeah. It's a map of my pizza shop thing.
Nino: Can you show me where KC, Max, and Logan were sitting?
Me: (points) Right thurr.
Nino: Can you show the courtroom where they were sitting?
Me: (points) Right thurr.
Becky: (singing) Right thurr, right thurr!
Nino: Ok. Right thurr. Can you show me where the car was parked?
Me: There. Where the picture of the car is.
Nino: Where the picture of the car is. I knew that...

"It's the only lawyer with blue hair..." -Jack

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