I'm 18, I love to write, I like to read, and I have an insatiable appetite for all things manga/anime, Transformers related, Aaron Eckhart (can't help it, he's hot.), Batman, and horror/mystery related stuff. A lot of my stories tend to be M-rated due to a lot of violence and stuff, so you've been warned. I will try to post some one-shots up here, but...I don't know...also, a lot of my stories revolve around an universal OC of mine named Kimber (Kim) Muse, if you don't like OC's, then don't read my fics.

Favorite manga/anime: Death Note, Bleach, Ruroni Kenshin, Sailor Moon, Dragon Ball Z, Transformers: Armada, Naruto, a lot more I can't remember...etc.

Favorite book(s): Harry Potter (until the fifth book where Sirius died! T_T), Watchmen, Batman comics (_), The Secret Garden (classic), etc.

Favorite Movie(s): Dark Knight, Labyrinth (Thank God for David Bowie), Watchmen (was f amazing!), horror movies, etc.

Favorite Show(s): L&O: SVU, Transformers(all), Spongebob Squarepants, ...I think that's it really...

Favorite Game(s): Final Fantasy 7-12, Devil May Cry 1-4, LoTR: The Third Age, Singstar, Bioshock, Rockstar, etc.

I'm a pretty cool person and I like to get comments, if only for someone to point out what I could do better. What I don't like is flaming or just a complete hater who finds nothing but my mistakes and doesn't say anything about improving. Please, if you're going to leave a comment, do so in such a way that I can benefit from it and can get better at writing. I'm tired of having people hate on my stories.

Random quotes I like:

This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force!

Never knock on Deaths door: ring the doorbell and run away! He really hates that!

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party!

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.

Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried to slam a revolving door...

Evening news is where they tell you 'good evening' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Join the army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

3 kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.

A day without sunshine, is like, night.

Horn broken: watch for Finger!

It's all fun and games 'til someone loses an eyeball, then hey! Free eyeball.

I don’t suffer from insanity I enjoy every minute of it

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail… but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying “damn…that was fun”

When choosing between two evils I always like to go for the one I've never tried before.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Be kind to your offspring. They get to choose your nursing home.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.

Comfort the disturbed. Disturb the comfortable.

You conformists are all alike.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of "smart."

Jesus loves you! But everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" . . . until you can find a rock.

Follow your dreams! (Unless it's the one where you're at work only wearing underwear during a fire drill.)

Don't drink and park. Accidents cause people.

Last night I played a blank tape full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

I'm not broke I'm just having an out of money experience.

If you can't baffle them with brilliance, befuddle them with bullshit.

People will believe anything if you whisper it.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Someday we'll look back on all this, and plough into a parked car.

Cry me a river, build a bridge, and jump off it.

I take a simple view of living. it is to keep your eyes open and get on with it.

You can't say that civilization doesn't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.

"I love you!" "I love you too...just not that way..." (together) "Eww!"

Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap that mother@#?!&! upside the head. Pass it on.

PLEASE READ WHAT'S UNDER THIS!!

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.

Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it. (I'm not gay, but I have gay friends, and I think it's wrong how prejudiced people can be!)

98 percent of teenagers have tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent that haven't, put this in your bio.

92 percent of teenagers would die if Abercrombie and Fitch told them it wasn't cool to breathe. Put this in your profile if you would be part of the 8 percent laughing your arse off.

()()
(0.0) Add the bunny to your profile to help him achieve world domination. Come join the dark side. (We have them sweet smelling Death Cookies!)

If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think that those stupid kids should just give that God-forsaken Trix rabbit some Trix, copy this into your profile.

If you get a kick out of explosions, copy and paste this to your profile.

If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.

I solemnly swear that anyone who flames my stories will get a flame back. FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE! BEAT OUT THE FLAMES! If you agree (or hate flamers), copy this into your profile.

If, for no warning, you have laughed during a movie part that wasn't funny, put this in your profile.

For me, crazy is a loose term. Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you just what you find so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour long sob-fest, then start singing and dancing when your favorite song plays. Crazy is when you do or say a totally random thing, like "do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or start having a thumbwar with yourself (i find that i am a very tough opponent). So if you're crazy, copy this onto your profile.

A true friend is someone who will try to answer the "eraser bits" question and have a long conversation about it. A friend is someone who won't say anything when you cry for no reason, but will start sobbing to, just help you cry. If you have a true friend, copy and paste this in your profile.

If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.

93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile and add your name to the list: Sunlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Moonlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Evil Genius of the COCA, Invader Miley Phantom, dAnnYsGiRl777, BloodySalvation, Lady Lost-A-Lot, bellabookworm9, Bella Masen Cullen, Vampire Scooby, bliizardtorment, unlabeledpunk

If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile.

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile.

If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes, copy this into your profile.

If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile.

98 of teenagers do drugs, have sex, and drink alcohol...put this in your profile if you like bagels

If you are the kind of person that gets really excited when you get like two reviews, copy this into your profile.

If you don't watch Laguna Beach or the O.C. or The Hills religiously, never have, never will, and are proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile

If keyboards hate you copy and paste this into your profile! (Especially the FREAKING CAPS LOCK!!)

The electric chair was invented by a dentist. If you are scared now more than ever of dentists by learning this fact, put this on your profile.

You know you live in 2008 when...

1. You go to a party, sit down and take MySpace pics.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have AIM/LiveJournal/MySpace.

4. You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the TV.

6. Your evening activity is sitting at the computer.

7. You read this list, and keep nodding and smiling.

8. You think about how stupid you are for reading this.

9. You were too busy to notice number five.

10. You actually scrolled back up to check if there was a number five.

11. And now you're laughing at your stupidity.

If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you are on the computer for over 20 hours a week, put this in your profile.

If you think that Sasuke completely has to have the nick-name 'Chicken Butt Hair Dude', copy this to your profile while laughing your ass off. (hell yeah!)

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, than weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!

If you are part of the unanimous club of Sakura-bitch haters, copy and paste this to your profile!

If you support gay marriage and want to show it, paste this into your profile. (People should be allowed to marry who they wish to! Like my gay guy friends...who are all really hot...begins to cry because they are all so pretty, and beautiful and she's straight and they're not... Woe is me!)

If you hate stereotypes and think people should just shut up and stop POST THIS. Pick the stereotype that fits you.

If you walk into walls because you have your nose in a book, copy this to your profile.

If you are a pyromaniac and also love Kingdom Hearts 2, and as such think Axel rules, copy this into your profile.

93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile.

If you think rap is the most awful thing to ever be called "music," and that rappers are wanna-be's who are being paid to make fools out of themselves and can't even sing, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever had done something or said something that made perfect sense to your real friends and only caused your "peers" to look at you strangely and roll their eyes, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile.

If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think that Writer's Block sucks, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever forgotten your name while introducing yourself, copy this to your profile

If you got depressed beating KH II then started a new game, copy and paste this on your profile

If you like both Het and Shonen-Ai, copy and paste this on your profile

I'M SKINNY so I MUST be anorexic

I'M EMO so I MUST cut my wrists

I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun

I'm BLONDE so I MUST be a ditz (blond jokes piss me off)

I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed

I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat

I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy (i personally think they all are lawl)

I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy

I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS

I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape

I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist

I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch

I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat

I'm ATHEIST, so I MUST hate the world

I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals

I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people

I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible

I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay

I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash

I TAKE(or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy

I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants

I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem

I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store

I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage (only 1/16 though)

I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore

I wear SKIRTS, so I MUST be a slut

I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs

I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob

I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo

I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend

I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars

I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy

I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore

I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut

I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals

I'm ITALIAN, so I MUST have a big DICK

I'm EGYPTIAN, so I MUST be a TERRORIST!!

I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin

I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life

I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention

I'm, INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual

I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fing them all

I have BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe

I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer

I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser

I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and that's how Russians roll

I'm GERMAN, so I MUST be a Nazi

I hang out with GAYS, so I MUST be GAY TOO

I'm Brazilian, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT

I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited

I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13

I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy

I'm HAWAIIAN, so I MUST be lazy

I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas

I'm a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction

I'm a VIRGIN, so I MUST be prude

I'm STRAIGHT EDGE, so I MUST be violent

I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly..or crazy

I'm BLACK, so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid (kool-aid?)

I'm BI so I MUST think every girl I see is hot

I'm a GIRL WHO ACTUALLY EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat

I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly

I'm ASIAN so I MUST be a NERD who does HOMEWORK 24/7

I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals

I'm MIXED so I MUST be f'ed up

I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist

I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork

I'm BLACK, so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA

I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect

I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black

I'm GOTH, so I MUST worship the devil (sits at altar "what?")

I Love SHOPPING, so I MUST be rich

I'm an OG so I MUST be Mexican

I don't EAT very often, so I MUST be anorexic

I'm a SOCCER player so I MUST take things ta the face DAILY

I'm not RICH so I MUST steal to get the things I have

I never dated a guy for very long so I MUST be a lesbian

I write poetry so I MUST be suicidal

I like to hang out by myself so I MUST be anti-social and hate other people

add your own if you are a victim of a stereotype not listed highlight the stereotypes you fall victim to in bold

Girls Don't realize these things;

I'm sorry
that I bought you roses
to tell you that I like you

I'm sorry
That I was raised with respect
not to sleep with you when you were drunk

I'm sorry
That my body's not ripped enough
to "satisfy" your wants

I'm sorry
that I open your car door,
and pull out your chair like I was raised

I'm sorry
That I'm not cute enough
to be "your guy"

I'm sorry
That I am actually nice;
not a jerk

I'm sorry
I don't have a huge bank account
to buy you expensive things

I'm sorry
I like to spend quality nights at home
cuddling with you, instead of at a club

I'm sorry
I would rather make love to you then just screw you
like some random guy.

I'm sorry
That I am always the one you need to talk to,
but never good enough to date

I'm sorry
That I always held your hair back when you threw up, and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car,
but when we went out you went home with another guy

I'm sorry
That I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere,
but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend

I'm sorry
If I start not being there because it hurts being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around

I'm sorry
If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work

I'm sorry
that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.

I'm sorry
If you read this and know somebody like this
but don't care

But most of all

I'm sorry
For not being sorry anymore

I'm sorry
That you can't accept me for who I am

I'm sorry
I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good
enough to make it in your world.

I'm sorry
I caught your boyfriend with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for...

I'm sorry
That I told you I loved you and actually meant it.

I'm sorry
That I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your boyfriend was threatening you instead of spending time with my family.

I'm Sorry
That I cared

I'm sorry
that I listen to you at night talking about how you wish you could have done something different.

(It's a good thing I found a man that I love who's not a jerk and is pretty much the guy in the poem, though he is cute!)

50 things you can do in an elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of ''It's a Small World'' incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you''re on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if you're a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious literature to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it''s getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"

Love vs. Sex

A teenage girl about 17 had gone to visit some friends one evening
and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year.

She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone.
She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away.

As she walked along under the tall elm trees,
Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger.

When she reached the alley, which was a short
cut to her house, she decided to take it.

However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her.

She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection.

Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her.

When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely.

The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there.

Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep.

Thanking the Lord for her safety and to
help
this
young woman, she decided to go to the
police
station.

She felt she could recognize the man, so
she
told
them her story.

The police asked her if she would be
willing to
look
at a lineup to see if she could identify
him.

She agreed and immediately pointed out
the
man
she had seen in the alley the night
before.

When the man was told he had been
identified,
he
immediately broke down and confessed.

The officer thanked Diane for her bravery
and
asked if there was anything they could do
for
her.

She asked if they would ask the man one
question.

Diane was curious as to why he had not
attacked
her.

When the policeman asked him, he
answered, "Because she wasn't alone.
She
had
two tall men walking on either side of
her."

Amazingly, whether you believe or not,
you're
never alone. Did you know that 98 of
teenagers
will not stand up for God?

Repost this as Love vs. Sex if you truly
believe
in
God..

PS: God is always there in your heart and loves you no matter what... and if you stand up for him he will
stand up for you.

The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?" I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is 'no'.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.