Heya! Welcome to my profile. I'm Alfred. I swear, I like more than just Hetalia. I just deleted my other fanfics because they all sucked. On the other hand, I do have a few in the works, but I probably won't post them here. I'm going to try to get an AO3 account, though and will repost my good stuff there and post and new stuff there. I'll add a link in here once I actually get it. In the mean time, read some of the funny stuff on my profile since I've cleared most of the excess out.

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a package of pasta after the cooking insturctions:
"Put on fork and eat."
(No! Really? We're supposed to eat food?!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's just a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds with colds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On artificial bacon:
"Real artificial bacon bits".
(So we don't get fake fake bacon. Oh no we get real fake bacon.)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation..)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one..)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

THIS IS HOW WEIRDOS MAKE FRIENDS

People think weirdos can't make friends. Well, they're wrong.

Usually one weird person will find another weird person and those two will engulf themselves in mutual weirdness and we call those people our friends! =)

A ninja waits until the dead of night, when the enemy sleeps and drops his guard, when his weapons lie forgotten in the stillness of the night, that is the moment for a ninja to strike.

They say guns don't kill people. People kill people. Well, I think the guns help. I mean, if you just stood there and yelled 'BANG!' I don't think you'd kill too many people.

female come backs
pick up line comebacks, add to it

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
Woman: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing.

Man: Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
Woman: Really? I have the incredible urge to plant my foot up your ass.

"Things don't happen for a reason: they happen because someone screwed something up."

"You may not know what you've got til it's gone, but you don't realize how much you still love it til it shows up again."

HOMOPHOBIA IS GAY

I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag everyday
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had.
I wish they could adopt me.
I am not one of the lucky ones.
I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school.
It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the Realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised.
The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the woman who died when the EMT s stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn't have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love. I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends I'm a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them.
I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die because two straight men wanted to "teach me a lesson"
--IF YOU BELIEVE THAT HOMOPHOBIA IS WRONG... REPOST THIS--

SemeUke.com let's you take the seme or uke test and these are my results. There are 2 versions now, the 1st is my original results and the second is from the new version.

Clueless Uke!
Having a good time is what you're all about. You're satisfied just to have someone to eat hamburgers and play video games with, and are completely oblivious to other's manipulative behavior. You don't expect much, and that can be a good thing. You're perfect prey for the Opportunist Seme, who might take advantage of you, but you probably won't even notice, or really care, as long as you're enjoying yourself.

Most compatible with: Opportunist Seme, Romantic Seme
Least compatible with: Sadistic Seme, Don't Fuck With Me Seme

You are a Badass Uke!

Other uke admire you, some seme fear you. Despite your sometimes flaming appearance, you can even fool other people into thinking you are seme with your mischievous, manipulative attitude, but when push comes to shove, your true submissive nature emerges. It takes a seme with enough intensity to challenge you and keep you satisfied, and your perfect match, the Don't Fuck With Me Seme, knows that all that naughty teasing just means you want the punishment.

Most compatible with: Don't Fuck With Me Seme, Chibi Seme
Least compatible with: Sadistic Seme, Romantic Seme

CALL THE MEDICAL HOTLINE!

Hello and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline

If you are obsesive compulsive press one repeatedly

If you are codependant ask someone to press two for you

If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, 6

If you are paranoid we know what you are and what you want stay on the line and we'll trace your call

If you're delusion press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership

If you're schizofranic listen carefully and the small voice will tell you what number to press

If you are depressed it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you

If you're dyslectic press 69696969

If you have a nervous disorder please fidget with the hash key until the beep, after the beep please wait for the beep

If you have short term meomry loss please try your call again later

If you have low selfestem, hang on all our operators are too busy to talk to you

Note- What do you do if you have more than one? O.O

'Knowledge is power; power is the root of all evil. Therefore study to be evil.' (Agreed)

'Boys don't fall for me; I trip them.'

'I used to have super powers but my therapist took them away.'

'It is not enough to succeed; others must fail.'

'Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity.'

“That’s for me to know, and for you to ignore.”

"I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off."

"Never kick a tree no matter how badly it insults you."

"My imaginary friend says your a stupid little psychotic bastard who doesn't take showers..."

"You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor..."

"Your reign of terror is over. Mine is just begun."
- House

"Yippie-kai-yay, motherfucker."
- John McClane, The Die Hard Series (Bruce Willis)

"Idiots are fun. No wonder every village wants one."
-House (House)

"I'm almost always eventually right."
- House (House)

"You're quite impressed with yourself, aren't you?"
"Pfft, who wouldn't be?"
-Wilson and House (House)

"NOBODY MOVE! ...I've dropped me brain."
- Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End)

"Hey, Wilson! I'm gonna go cut some cripple's eye out! Wanna come watch?!"
"Good times."
- House and Wilson, "House" ("97 Seconds")

"I can hear your thoughts from my apartment."
"...Can you hear me now?"
"Move to another organ."
"...I did."
- Foreman and House, "House" ("Big Baby")

"How are you gonna learn to swim, unless I take off your floaties and throw you into shark-infested waters?"

- House, "House" ("Whac-a-Mole")

"I know you're in there. I can hear you caring."
- House, "House" ("Need to Know")

"When I lead the big patient rebellion, Voldemort here is the first to go."
- House, "House" (Words and Deeds")

"I'm not sad. I'm complicated. Chicks dig that."
- House, "House" ("Need to Know")

"So, is that our job? House's puppets? He comes up with an insane idea, we get to pretend it's not?"
"His insane ideas are usually right. We've been here long enough to--"
"We've been here long enough to have Stockholm syndrome."
"What, because we don't hate him? He thinks outside the box! Is that so evil?"
"He has no idea where the box is!"
- Foreman, Cameron and Chase (about House); "House" ("Occam's Razor")

"I don't need a team!"
"You were bouncing ideas off a janitor."
"And solved the case!"
- House and Wilson, "House" ("Alone")

"Can Gibbs arrest God?"
"I dunno. I think it’s like the Thing trying to bring in the Hulk."
- Ziva and Tony, “NCIS” (“Dead and Unburied”)

"Ah, so you are a psychotic escapee from a high security mental institution, known as a funny farm around these parts, bent on world domination and going around posing as an exchange student to gain the trust of little short girls and eventually skin them alive in their own basements and wear their flesh as a fashionable hat?”
"…what would you do if I said yes?”
“I’d say ‘Welcome home!’”
- Eris and Kurama, "A Rose Turned Real" (Nefus de Twilight)

"This translator thing really stinks, you know that? What're you three saying?"
"Oh, the usual. Logan's pushing for a fight, Hiei's encouraging it, and the situation is deteriorating. How's your day going?"
- Yusuke and Kurama, "Mission X" (Kurome Shiretsu)

"God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs."
"Dinosaurs eat man... Woman inherits the earth."
- Ian Malcom and Ellie Sattler; "Jurassic Park" (Movie; Michael Crichton/Stephan Spielburg)

"If I were a giant alien bird in a department store, where would I be?"
"Lingerie."
"Not you, the bird."
"Lingerie."
- Ira and Harry; "Evolution"

The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is at all comprehensible.
- Albert Einstein

Breakdowns can create breakthroughs. Things fall apart so things can fall together.
- Anonymous

I’m not concerned with hell breaking loose, but a part of hell will break loose—it’ll be much harder to detect.
- George Carlin

Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
- Iara Gassen

The hardest thing in life is to know is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
- David Russell

Zeus: Where the hell you going, McClane?
McClane: I know what I’m doing!
Zeus: Even God don’t know what you’re doing!
- Zeus and McClane, Die Hard With a Vengeance

This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.
- Anonymous

I just know, before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin’.
– Donkey, “Shrek”

Drama is life with the dull bits left out.
- Alfred Hitchcock

If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.
- Albert Einstein

Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.
- R.W. Emerson

A pioneer is never lost, but occasionally bewildered.
- Anna Lee Walda, “Sacajawea"

Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.
- John Lennon

I now know that there is much more to gain in the world than a paycheck.
- Anonymous

Do you know the difference between involvement and commitment? Think of ham and eggs. The chicken is involved; the pig is committed.
- Martina Navratilova

If you run, you might lose. If you don’t run, you’re guaranteed to lose.
- Jesse Jackson

Your disability is your opportunity.
- Kurt Hahn

You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in people, than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you.
- Dale Carnegie

Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow.
Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead.
Just walk beside me, and be my friend.
- Albert Camus

Lives based on having are less free than lives based on either doing or being.
- William James

Humility does not mean thinking less of yourself than of other people, nor does it mean having a low opinion of your own gifts. It means that freedom from thinking about yourself at all.
- William Temple

It is not necessary that you be wealthy or famous or a genius in order to fulfill your own destiny. All that is asked is that you use whatever gifts you have to the best of your ability.
- Og Mandino, “Acabar”

Gibbs:“Not quite according to plan…”
Jack: “Complications arose, ensued, were overcome…”
- Gibbs and Jack, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

Travelers never think that they are the foreigners.
- Mason Cooley

Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold.
- Helen Keller

Washburn: This landing is gonna get pretty interesting.
Mal: Define “interesting”.
Wash: “‘Oh God, oh God, we're all going to die,’”?
- Washburn and Mal, Serenity

Some guy hit my fender and I said, “Be fruitful and multiply,” but not in those words.
- Woody Allen

Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you’re scared to death.
- Earl Wilson

Only the foolish visit the land of the cannibals.
- Maori Proverb

Love is like a Rubik Cube; there are countless numbers of wrong twists and turns, but when you get it right, it looks perfect no matter what way you look at it.
- Brian Cramer

Everything in the world exists in order to end up as a book.
- Stephan Mallarme

I find "good morning" contradictory

Don't hate yourself in the morning...sleep till noon

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

The best things in life are either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else

Real girls aren't perfect, perfect girls aren't real.

Everyone has a wild side-me and my friends just prefer to make them public

My mind works like lightning...one brilliant flash and it's gone.

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

I'm not littering...I'm donating to the Earth.

Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Friends are like stars, they come and go but the ones that stay are the ones that glow.

Caution: Handicapped people will be eaten by crocodiles below.

Out of my mind, please leave a message.

People are like slinkies, basically usless; and yet it's so amusing to watch them fall down stairs.

Don't you dare tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.

I was going to take over the world, but I got distracted by something sparkly.

If you don't laugh at yourself, I'll be glad to do it for you. :)

Don't hit kids. No, seriously, they have guns now.

Two things are infinite; the universe, and human stupidity... not so sure about the universe.

People like you are the reason why we have middle fingers.

Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history.

Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.

My imaginary friend thinks you have problems.

Caution, water on road during rain.

WARNING: Children left unattended will be sold to the circus.

The worst part about being lied to is knowing you're not worth the truth.

If you're gonna be two faced, sweetie, at least make one of them pretty.

Dementors: Turning people emo since 370 B.C.

I don't have a dog... I eat my own homework.

I'm not random, i just have many tho- OH A SQUIRREL!

Weapon of choice? Hmmmm... I'd have to say... SPORK!

Save the earth, it's the only place with chocolate!

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count, and those who can't.