I didn't lie--I was writing fiction in my mouth. (Homer Simpson)

Do not meddle in the affairs of slashers, for you are cute and go well with other men.

Never knock on Death's door... ring the bell and run away... he hates that.

Everyone rises to their level of incompetence. (Laurence J. Peter)

Someone's boring me. I think it's me. (Dylan Thomas)

Sorry I couldn't make it to church--I was busy practicing witchcraft.

Equality is a myth. Women are better.

Your face is like the sun--not because it is beautiful, but because I can only look at it for a minute.

Warning: Trespassers will be shot
Warning: Survivors will be shot again.

It's tourist season, so why can't I shoot them?

You say you dislike me, but deep down, you know you hate me.

That which doesn't kill you...will probably try again.

I'm not tense. I'm just terribly, terribly alert.

God did not create men and women equal...don't worry; give him time, and he'll evolve.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.

This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force.

He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.

For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Always remember you're unique...just like everyone else.

If you don't like my driving then stay off the sidewalk!

I like work. It fascinates me. I could sit and look at it forever.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Don’t play dumb with me, I'll always win.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is NOT for you.

There are two ways to argue with a woman. Neither one works.

I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man.

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door. ..

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

STRESSED? You think I look stressed! I'm gonna KILL the next person who says I look stressed!

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

Never argue with an idiot, they'll bring you to their level then beat you with experience.

I'd love to help you out. Which way did you come in?

Bumper Stickers:

Bumper Sticker of the Week: Any book worth banning is a book worth reading.

When it comes to thought, some people will stop at nothing.

If you can see this car, my cloaking device is broken.

My cat ate your fish.

I'm just driving this because the kids kept falling off the broom.

Jesus saves. Allah forgives. C'thulu thinks you'd make a good sandwich.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

My other car is a BROOM!

HONK if you've never seen an Uzi shot out a car's back window.

Other Things, Like T-Shirts (Warning: These are here because they are non-PC or contain adult themes)

"Other" of the Week: Christianity: The belief that some Cosmic Jewish Zombie will make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so that he can remove an evil from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree. Makes perfect sense.

May the fetus you save be a Black Gay Wiccan Democrat.

People who don't like their beliefs being laughed at shouldn't have such funny beliefs.

Freya, goddess of Love and War: If you can't lay 'em, slay 'em!

Mom Quotes:

Mom Quote of the Week: My parents only had one argument in forty-five years. It lasted forty-three years. (Cathy Ladman)

Sooner or later, we all quote our mothers. (Bern Williams)

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.

"There is only one pretty child in the world... and every mother has it." - Chinese Proverb.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

"Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?"

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.

Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.