Quotes:

"They don't make Hallmark cards for families like mine."

"Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says, 'oh, crap. she's up.'"

"Thank you, Captain Obvious. You're welcome, Lieutenant Sarcasm."

"I will always love you."
"That's what I supposed to say..." - VA 4: Blood Promise

"Yet, despite the look on my face, you're still talking."

"Did you know 'I told you so' has a brother, Jacob? His name is 'shut the hell up'!"

"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals - I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." (hehehe)

"Of all the things about me that could frighten you, you worry about my driving."

'"Friendly reception," he noted.
I pulled my hand free and scowled at him. "What are you doing here?"
"You invited me, remember?"
"In case my right hook was too subtle for you, let me translate: that was me uninviting you."'

"Suburbia - where they cut down trees and name streets after them"

"Anger is one letter short of danger."

"The only reason that I talk to myself is because that I'm the only one whose answers I accept."

"Learn from the mistakes of others, because you can't live long enough to make them all yourself."

"They say the truth will set you free. But then why is it that every time I tell the truth I get sent to my room?."

" Dying is just natures way of saying 'Hey! Your not alive anymore!"

'"When they put unknown at the end of a quote, that means they probably don't no how to spell anonymous" -unknown

"Don't criticize my mess unless you'd like to become part of it."

"A good essay is 10 inspiration, 15 perspiration, and 75 desperation."

"I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight!"

"There's nothing wrong with being a loser, it just depends on how good you are at it."

"Thank-you for visiting reality, come again... Now entering your life, welcome Consciousness- that annoying time between naps."

"Normal people worry me."

"You say physco like it's a bad thing."

"Those who think they know everything, are really annoying to those of us who do."

" How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?"

"He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit."

"You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!"

"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."

"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy."
" I intend to live forever - so far, so good."

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice? "

"My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking."

"Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think your on drugs."

"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."

"Where there's a will, there's a way. And where there's a way, then there's usually a stop sign somewhere along the road." "

I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on eBay."

"The Earth is full - Go Home!"

"So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time."

"Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult."

"If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?"

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious." - Brendan Gill

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity." - Albert Einstein

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with Ketchup!

"In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people
very angry, and is generally considered to have been a bad move."
-- Douglas Adams, The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on." - Robert Bloch

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils." - Louis Hector Berlioz

"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams

"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?"