(July 2nd 2011)Oh dear.. Okay. So let's start with thoughts. A while ago I wrote what is down there in the "..." because of something bad, and it's so weird to think about how I was. I mean, I can still feel that person deep inside myself, I feel her sometimes bristling and hating being chained to a wall, using all her might to get out of the restraints I have so thoroughly tied her down with. I can feel her in my heart now, as I sit and remember this. I feel her when my temper slips, and I hate to say it, but I really do feel like an unstoppable wolf who has learned that she needs to fight for herself. Lately, I've been getting help from a friend, and she's told me what my place is. But I've got a pack mind. I have the resources and smarts to get me to the top where I have been... since then I have voluntarily taken myself down from the pedestal and forced myself to get a taste of humble pie. Actually, I shoved it down my throat as my inner self was bucking and screeching at me to stop and leave her the fuck alone.

I read that over and I'm amazed at first my writing. I think that was the last piece of stuff I actually wrote that had any resemblance of me in it. I've tried, trust me, and I just keep failing. Soon, I just gave up. I wrote that piece about 2 years ago from the things I told you guys. It scares me to think that the thing that saved my life once upon a time no longer exists in my waking life. I feel.. slightly ashamed by it. And pissed in a way.

Let's get back to my friend. She thinks I should be in a lower rank because of my personality, but to be fair, she hasn't seen my wolf. She's only seen a glimmer of it. I hate that she tries to shove me in a box. I hate that. That might be right for her, but it isn't for me. I'm not meant to be in a box. I'm not meant to be completely controlled and contained. I'm meant to be free, and that's what I will be if it's the last thing I do.

Obviously, I have a little bit more problems in this time of my life then I did the last time I wrote. Then, I was pissed. But it was more of an uncontrolled pissed. I will give my friend this. She taught me how to control myself completely. She taught me how to catch and chain down my beast. But now... all I want to do is let it free and let her explore. Yeah, accidents will happen, yeah, I'll feel horrible about it.. but I'm afraid that I'll wind up in a small city, trying to squeeze my way into someone elses perspective of what's what. This is mine.

I never imagined that I'd be frightened to loosen the reigns.. you know when you first start driving, you have to do the whole pedal check? You have to test what goes where and what does what and how you'll react with this thingy. That's what it feels like for me. Right now. I feel like I'm testing how far my control goes, because I know I've built it up. I just have to test it out. And I've got to say, it scares the piss out of me. But I'll live, and I'll love it.

"I'm always amazed with how much a person can change. Each day I see many people who I thought hated each other smile and share a tender secret between them. The next day I hear yells coming from the hall next door, and rush out to help, and see that the only thing they did was smile at the enemy and hide secret revenges. I guess I was wrong, even with my own self. I always thought of myself as tough, and untouchable with the mind over matter on my side. But I recently realized.. that maybe I was just fooling myself into that mask of deception. Recently.. I've had a heart break. My first one, naturally. Always hard right? I can take the fact that I wasn't important. Because why would I be important to someone when I'm less experienced. I can take the fact that he ripped apart my heart. What I can't handle.. is him coming in again and making sure that I'm... gone. Completely, and utterly... gone.

I think what makes it worse, is the fact that many of the signs were there. And I just.. ignored them because I wanted with every fiber of my being for it to be real, and to not be able to sense that I would get hurt. I was putting it off. But.. I knew what had to be done. And that stopped him from taking everything that I am.

What I hate out of all of that, is that I now have lost the ability to be what I was most with him; Caring and Kind. Thinking of others before myself. I am now a self-righteous. Hateful. Deceitful. Manipulating. Bitch. I am everything that I hated, and everything that I am now trying to get rid of.. But how can you get rid of your nature? Oh, simple. You face your fears.

Don't you just hate it, when you are in a position to ask for help, but you can't seem to get the words out of your mouth? Like your in a dream where you are just running in circles, a never ending cycle of burning hatred inside your own heart, burning away every cell in your body, every good thought in your mind, till the only thing that is left is pulsing inside. Revenge. Revenge. Revenge.

Hell hath no fury like a women scorned. Do I believe that? Yes. But like hell, I will be deceitful in my pickings. I will make the wrongs obvious, and black and white. I will make him wish to be burned in my hell. Each night I live in his memory. So, each night after, he will live in mine.. and that, my dears. Will be enough to destroy the mightiest of characters.

I realize I am a masochistic sadist. Hopelessly in love with the idea of hopeless romance, yet not believing in the actual love of all. I realize I am a pack leader, someone who must be calm, cool, collected, but know when to put her Fang to the test. I try. And hopefully, soon. I will learn. If not, I'll fall... and they will eat me alive. Bones and all."

This is an idea I had for a story. I'll come round to actually putting my story up.

Have you ever wondered what could drive Caius to fear something so... never lasting? I have, but the only difference is that you could only guess it. I have to live it. The story of a girl who has to live through seeing her family of werewolf's being killed and destroyed in front of her eyes. Forced to flee from her home town and never look back till she finds a place for herself. While coming across one blonde haired beauty of a beast in Italy and noticing the simularities... but why does he have caramel eyes?

'Now she gets so scared to get close to anyone because anyone whose ever been there left'

'The day you realize that I've always loved you will be the day I stop chasing you'

'I've got to try to forget about the guy who forgot about me'

'I love sleep, my life has a tendency to fall apart when I'm awake'

'Giving up doesn't always mean you're weak. It just means that you are strong enough to let go'

'Be who you choose to be, not who others choose to see.'

Oh, before we go on. I am 16. I am female. I have a family. And I have friends. I am normal, all for my mind

A friend helps you up when you fall a best friend continues walking while saying, "Walk much dumb ass?"

A friend wipes your tears when your rejected a best friend goes up to him and says, "It's because your gay isn't it?"

A friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend would be in the room next to you saying, THAT WAS AWESOME, LETS DO IT AGAIN!!

So ironic and true!

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

You know your stressed out when you can hear mimes.

(On a T-Shirt) Who are you, and why are you reading my shirt?

A conclusion is what you reach when you get tired of thinking.

Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!

Normal people worry me.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

People say that I have totally lost it. I wasn't even aware I had it.

Girls
are like
apples on trees.
The best ones are
at the top of the tree.The
boys don't want to reach
for the good ones because they
are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples
from the ground that aren't as good,
but easy. So the apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just
have to wait for the right boy to
come along, the one who's
brave enough to
climb all
the way
to the top
of the tree

Here is a quote from one of my friends and my own conversations.

Ashlee: Do you like him?

Me: NO!

Ashlee: No?

Me: Yes.

Ashlee: Yes!

Me: No! Now stop that.