Things to do in a shop when you are bored.

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of MM's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme song.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.. "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "Pikachu, I choose you!"

17. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

18. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any in stock. (ie. Schnerples)

Repost this if you laughed... Or are planning to do any of these things

Things To Ponder:

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

So what's the speed of dark?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops On my desk, I have a work station..

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Why can't you find fresh sardines in the fish market?

Why do so many old people eat at cafeterias?

Why does an "X" stand for a kiss?

Why does the word "Filipino" start with the letter F ?

Why are the copyright dates on movies and television shows written in Roman numbers?

Favorite Quotes/Sayings:

I had a thought but it got lonely and went away.

Money talks and mine says "Good-bye."

It's okay to talk to yourself, it's okay to ask yourself questions, it's even okay to answer those questions. Just don't ever ask yourself a question and then go "What did you say?"

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Don't spend money you don't have cause at some point they're going to want it and you're still not going to have it.

A friend will bail you out of jail at two o'clock in the morning but a true friend will be sitting in the cell beside you saying "Damn that was fun!"

A friend will help you move but a true friend will help you move a body

Due to the worsening of the economy, the light at the end of the tunnel has been temporarily turned off.

I do not suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

My train of thought got derailed.

If someone gave you half a brain, you'd still only have half a brain.

All things in the world are mind over matter; if you don't mind then it doesn't matter.

Most people have a filter between their brain and their mouth that tells them when they shouldn't say something. Me, not so much

Shut up brain or I'll stab you with a Q-tip again.I tried to keep an open mind but my brains kept falling out

The more things change, the more things remain. . . insane.

Knowledge is power. . . power corrupts. . . study hard. . . BE EVIL!

Your talking is getting in the way of my telling you to shut up.

Why is the rum always gone?!

Stress: A condition brought on by over riding the body's desire to kick someone's ass.

Always glad to inadvertantly inspire genius.

Kill one man and you are a murderer. Kill millions of men and you are a conqueror. Kill them all. . . and you are a god.

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.

Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and slap that jerk upside the head.

Please Note: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED! Apparently you told Santa that you have been good this year...he died laughing.

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

If Tylenol, Duct Tape, a Band Aid can't fix it, you have a serious problem.

I am going to put an end to my procrastination problem. . . Tomorrow

A rejected invention: Instant water! just add water!

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." - Yoda (Star Wars)

After Tuesday, even the calendar goes W T F.

Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.

People at weddings started to poke me saying, "You're next." so I started doing the same to them at funerals.

There's no such thing as impossible. The word itself means I'm possible.

Did you fall? No, I attacked the ground. Backwards? I'm freaking awesome okay?!

Those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who couldn't hear the music.

Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon!

An idea which doesn't seem insane at first is not an idea worth considering.

Life sucks and then you die.

People die when they're killed.

Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me,- I quit.'

It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew.

You can't save the world but you can save the ones who mean the world to you.

There comes a day when you realize turning the page is the best feeling in the world because you realize there's so much more to the book than the page you were stuck on.

Live like you're gonna die tomorrow. Dream like you'll live forever.

Inside every muffin, there's a cupcake just dying to get out.

There is no exception to the rule that every rule has an exception.

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. " There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16 My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me. "

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you".

10 Commandments of a Teenager

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.

(Why wait that long?)

2) Thou shall not do drugs.

(Alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)

3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.

(Wal-Mart has a bigger selection)

4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.

(Destruction has a bigger effect)

5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.

(Everyone knows grandma has more money)

6) Thou shall not get into fights.

(Just start them)

7) Thou shall not skip class.

(Just take the whole day off)

8) Thou shall not strip in class.

(Hooters pays more)

9) Thou shall not think about having sex.

(like Nike says, "Just do it")

10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.

(Just leave ‘em in the middle)