Call me Ellie.

This is where I dump all my creative spurts. But be warned, I am multifandom trash.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual labels on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Oh, yes because it is totally possible to use a hairdryer while sleeping)

On a bag of Fritos! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (Hmm...so you take the bag without paying for it and enter the contest)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (Very specific on how to use this)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (So you don't have to defrost it?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Ooops. A little too late for this one)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (Nooo, after heating this, it'll be cold)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (Doesn't this save time, though?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (Five-year-olds drive machinery? Wow, I've been able to drive for this long without knowing it?)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (I thought I could take this to stay awake!...)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (Where can't we use it?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (And that would be...)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (I had absolutey no clue!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: change airlines)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (So, I can't fly when I dress up like Batman? Dang it, I was looking forward to that)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (OK, I'll just stop it with my feet.)

On a hair straightener: "Do not use in water." (Yeah, that helps a lot, trying to straighten your hair while you're getting it wet.)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity copy and paste this into your profile! XD

Quotes that never fail to amuse me:

Sarcasm is my automatic response to stupidity.

I'm not so good with advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

Come to the Dark Side, we have COOKIES!

Welcome to the Dark Side! Have a cookie! Oh, that red liquid leaking out of it? ...That's jelly.

Welcome to the Dark Side, are you surprised we lied about the cookies?

Life isn't trying to pass me by, it's trying to run me over.

When Life gives you lemons, turn them into apples and leave people wondering how the heck you did it!

When Life gives you lemons, squirt them in Life's eye and demand candy.

I didn't trip. I was just testing gravity... It still works.

I didn't trip. I was simply hugging the floor.

Secret Admirer? More like a stalker with stationary.

When I say 'LOL,' I'm not 'laughing out loud.' I just have nothing better to say.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Nobody's going to win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Heaven doesn’t want me, and Hell’s afraid I’ll take over.

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Yes, I hit like a girl. You could too if you hit just a little bit harder.

I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

If Walmart is lowering prices daily, then how come none of it is free yet?

Forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them more!

Never take Life seriously; no one gets out alive anyway!

Don't knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run. He hates that.

He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!

It takes 42 muscles to frown and only four to punch the person square in the face.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

When life gives you skittles, chuck them at people's faces and say, "Taste the freakin rainbow!"

Don't worry about the world ending today, it's already tomorrow in Australia

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

Last night, I was lying on my bed, staring up at the stars and wondering 'Where the heck is my roof?'

You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.

It's always the last place you look...of course it is, why the heck would I keep looking after I found it?

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed

A stranger will stab you in the back, a friend will stab you in the front, a boyfriend will stab you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

"Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss."

I didn't loose my brain, I sold it on Ebay! *smiles happily*

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

If annoyed further, I shall spork your eyes out.

Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright.

A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.

Hippopotomonstrousaequipodaliophobic - Fear of long words.

One way to find out if something works: push all the buttons.

According to the latest figures, 43% of all statistics are utterly worthless.

Don't steal. The government hates the competition.

If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.

Smile; it makes people wonder what you're up to.

Friends come and go while enemies never do; they just multiply.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat.

Generally, generalizations are wrong.

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be research.

Life is like a box of chocolates - it's full of nuts.

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

If you find any poisonous plants in your tea, just to let you know, it wasn't me.

Don't pop my bubbles. I'll get depressed.

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught t me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION . "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

I only borrow the characters. They aren't mine.