AWESOME QUOTES

from CMW2's profile

Whoever said nothing is impossible, obviously never tried to slam a revolving door.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy every minute of it.

You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

There is stupid coming out of your mouth hole again

God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made women.

So many boys, so many reasons to stay alone

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings...I was aiming for your face

When you’re down I may not be able to pick you back up, but I promise I’ll be willing to lay down right next to you

I hear your silence loud and clear

Children in front seats can lead to accidents. Accidents in backseats can lead to children.

Why do today what you could put off till tomorrow?

How can i miss you if you never left?

Education is important, school however, is another matter.

Don’t mess with me I've got a stick.

Boys are like purses: cute, full of crap, and always replaceable

Boys are like skateboards, they can go fast but usually there pretty slow.

Boys are like knives, useful but they'll cut you eventually

If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't

Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Help I've fallen and I can't...hey nice carpet!

A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.

"We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police do."

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive

Life is full of disappointments, and I'm full of life!

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality.

Life's Tough, get a helmet

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Can vegetarians eat Animals Crackers?

Only in America, do banks have braille on the drive-thru ATMs.

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths

The cops never find it as funny as you do

The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.

It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?

If you think things can’t get worse it’s probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didn't work that way…so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness.

A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station…

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

You can’t be late until you show up.

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.

A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it.

A clever man commits no minor blunders.

Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven’t sent one out.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn’t pay..so if you keep reading, you’ll go broke.

Anyone who uses the phrase “easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried taking candy from a baby.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it.

Clever men are good, but they are not the best.

A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.

Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.

Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself! It's rude!

Don't look at me in that tone of voice!

It takes skill to trip over flat surfaces.

Okay, that rip in the time-space continuum was so not my fault...ish.

My voices tell me that your voices are dorks.

Oh! Look, a distraction!

Bring it...fool!

Sometimes, when I hear a song on the radio, I'm like red, green, red, blue, yellow.

Normal is a setting on a dryer.

In case of emergency, break dance.

For sale! My parents: buy one, get one free.

If love is stupid, then I stupid you.

School starts September 9. Resistance is futile.

I don't have a short attention span! I just...oh look, a kitten!

I hope you know that often times, we're the only ones who think each other's funny.

Homework kills trees. Save trees. Don't do homework.

Rawr! It means "I love you" in dinosaur.

Hold up! I can't hear you. Let me turn down my awesomeness...

My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems.

Come to the dark side. We have cookies.

They don't know that we know that they know we know.

I shower naked.

Sometimes, when I say "I'm fine," I want someone to look me in the eyes and say "tell the truth"

You'll always be my friend. You know too much.

The voices in my head are fighting again.

Music is my crack.

We are so hot, we make fire stop, drop, and roll.

I've gone to find myself. If I get back before I return, keep me here.

"I'm a dinosaur, so, like, 'rawr,' and stuffs"

Let’s go shenaniganizing!

People think I’m crazy, but I’m actually just bored.

People are like slinkies. Basically useless, yet it’s so fun to watch them fall down the stairs…

I find ‘good morning’ a contradiction of terms.

I’m not short. I’m built low to the ground for speed and accuracy.

I’m not short, I’m fun-sized.

You’re a great friend, but if zombies chase us, I’m tripping you.

The REAL Christmas miracle was finding three wise men.

Did you know that if you say “Gullible” slowly, it sounds like “green beans?”

HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa--NO!

I’m not good at empathy. Will you accept sarcasm?

Bad things happen when my friends think…

Holy nonsensical exclamation, batman!

Friends are the ones who cry with you. Best friends are the ones who stand there with a shovel and ask who did it.

Friends are the ones who ask what happened. Best friends are the ones who shout, “SHE’S PISSED! MOVE!”

I’m not as random as you think I SALAD!