so.

this is the last time you'll see any updates from this acct, honestly. lots of things happened in 2016 – good things, bad things, downright awful things. just being back here feels... vaguely unsettling, but i feel like this acct needed closure.

even after everything that's happened.

the main bulk of it is that i got my heart crushed under highway traffic and i actually tried to jump off an overhead bridge into highway traffic... among other things i tried to do last year. it wasn't just the heartbreak, it was just – a lot of things piling up higher, higher, higher, smashing through the ceiling out the roof and into outer fucking space.

i was lost, very lost, and i didn't know what to do with myself other than crying and sleeping and crying some more. i pushed away a lot of friends, i pushed away the things that made me happy – i pushed away everything, because all i wanted to do was disappear.

and, y'know. when that didn't work out, i wanted to do better. i i tried to start over.

and start over.

and start over.

i acct-hopped a lot in the later part of 2016. i snapped at people who were only trying to help. i almost gave up entirely.

but then i thought: this isn't who you are.

i picked up my half-dead body from the ground, cut off everyone else who stayed (thank the stars for them, honestly), and settled down elsewhere on my own. it was just something i had to do for myself.

i'm not a good person. i know i'm not a good person, but at least i can reflect upon it and try harder. be kind, not a bloody doormat. be concerned, not controlling and over-invasive. be constructive, not abusive.

i'm learning, i think. slowly but surely.

i don't think anyone will read this – it's been far too long for me to still be relevant, hahah. whimsy is dead af and my rambles make it feel like i'm just beating a dead horse into the ground. but still: if y'all need me, here's my new ffnet. i'm tired of hiding lmao i don't give a shit anymore (COME AND FITE ME IN THE GODDAMN PIT --)

i haven't been writing long stories for a while now, but i still do the write maybe.

cheers,
himi.