Hello Fanfiction!

I'm are-you-a-bad-bitch on Tumblr!

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods…

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time? Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm … something must have gotten lost in the translation..

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(But no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(Somebody got paid big bucks to write this one..

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

Random things that are true:

You're just jealous because the voices in my head talk to me and not you.

I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

All the good ones are either gay, married or fictional characters in books or movies.

When you get caught looking at him, just remember, he was looking back.

People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door

I only have PMS on days that end in the letter "y".

One day we will look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

I smile because I have no idea what’s going on.

Boys are like slinkeys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

Dear Heart, I met a boy today, prepare to shatter.

I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

You laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You hurt, I hurt. You jump off a bridge, I get a paddle boat and save your stupid a--.

I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.

You know what makes letting go of a crush so hard? The fear that the moment you let go, they'll catch on.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I live in my own little world- but it's ok, they know me there.

The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

"What you're looking for is always in the last place you look" Well, DUH, smart one! After you find it, you stop looking!

Whose cruel idea was it to put "S" in the word "Lisp"?

Slinky Escalator = Endless fun!

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress??

Never insult anyone by accident.

Humans only use about 1/10 of their brain power. With you, it could be less.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Ask no questions and hear no lies.

Patience is not a virtue; it is a waste of time.

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them more.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door.

13 things PMS Stands for:

13. Pass My Shotgun
12. Psychotic Mood Swing
11. Perpetual Munching Spree
10. Puffy Mid-Section

9. People Make me Sick
8. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
6. Pimples May Surface
5. Purses, Men, Shoes

4. Pissy Mood Syndrome
3. Poor Men Suck
2. Pack My Stuff
1. Potential Murder Suspect