Well, hello there! I'm Reaver, and welcome to Reaver Industries, a sector of Fanfiction's website which I have carved out for myself. Don't worry, loves. You shall not be put to work here. My child laborers are working their little fingers to the bones back in Bowerstone Industrial so that you can sit back, relax, and enjoy my favorite fan fictions about the greatest subject there is: me.

I want to take a moment to let you all know that there are some certain pathetic individuals who possess no life who are running rampant within this forum, spreading and multiplying like one of the STD's I bestowed upon a whore in my brothel. Under the guise of do—gooders seeking to protect the realm from what they find appalling, they are combing every nook and cranny in search of porn, leaving canned reviews, and posting these stories to an endless collective of fictions to be whined about—er, reported. Tsk tsk. Such a shame. Anyone who invests that much time and effort into declaring themselves protectors of the realm and conquerors of lemons is clearly living out a sad, sad life. But do not take pity on them, for they seek to destroy art. Instead stand with me, Reaver, Hero of Skill, King of Pirates, and Master of Industry, and show them that their pathetic little efforts are all in vain.

I'm rather proud with my bedroom prowess, and when all of you lovely writers take the time to write about my sexual escapades, it tickles me with excitement. Here, I have compiled a list of my favorite juicy, lip-puckering lemons, most of them starring me. Feast your eyes (or avert them if they are sensitive and judgy), and be sure to review the fine wordsmiths who took the time to create them!

Favorite Authors listed on my profile are a collective of the talentless, pathetic, lowlife individuals that enjoy spending their time policing this website (even though we all know it is not their job nor right to conduct themselves as such).

An open statement to Catspats31:

My dear Catspats31,

It has come to my attention that after reading a glorious short story featuring ME, you became motivated to issue an ultimatum of a 'review'. I normally do not offer up so much as a glance of acknowledgement when people voice their opinions about me, but boredom—and morbid curiosity—left me feeling mildly inquisitive.

You do know how they say that some things cannot be unseen? Unfortunately for me, I now know the full meaning of that statement. Your profile is nothing short of an extensive, long-winded diatribe of self-righteousness and self-proclamation; two very unattractive traits to possess when one is not...me. While I am not certain if your tiny, compromised brain can handle a dose of cold hard reality, I do feel the need—and it will be my great pleasure—to dispense it to you.

My sweet, adorably oblivious simpleton, you cannot issue such threats here. You see, while you are declaring yourself "Protector of all of the realm and Guardian of Fanfiction", you quite simply forget that you lack the actual authority to do so. As you may know, I have a very colorful imagination and a deliciously dirty mind, so allow me to issue you MY assessment.

There can be only one reason that one such as yourself would dedicate such time and effort to parading around Fanfiction in search of sordid content: you enjoy the sweet, lip-puckering lemons, and you need some sort of cover for your devotion to reading them, or else we might all know the truth. You are a pervert. A pervert parading around as a holier-than-thou Mary Sue, martyring herself as her eyes are set ablaze while she seeks out porn after porn...for the good of the realm.

Hah! You'll have to excuse my laughing, but do you have any idea how ridiculously pathetic that makes you? Could you not devote your benevolence and time toward something actually meaningful, perhaps? I've got child laborers slaving away in my factories in Bowerstone Industrial. Come try to save the children, I dare you. It is rather sad when people have absolutely no life and feel the need to meddle where they don't belong.

I was quite impressive in my scene with a woman and another man. Bedding two people—of opposite sexes, mind you—is not an easy feat. I take great insult that you disregarded the warning posted in the short story synopsis AND at the beginning of the chapter itself, and I am telling you right now that all of your bellyaching efforts WILL be in vain, because my fans will prevail. You might act like a crybaby and attempt to have one chapter deleted, but it will be back. It will keep coming back. And it will multiply like the STD's I spread across Albion. This, I promise you.

My advice to you: Stop it. Stop being a whiny little minger and do something that actually matters with your sad, droll life...perhaps you might volunteer your time at a local animal orphanage. The shaggy dogs would probably take you as one of their own, and I am sure they'd love company! I normally never shag ugly prats, but I might make an exception for you if it might loosen you up enough to extract the giant stick that is clearly lodged in your backside. I'll do it for the greater good, and writers across the realm will sing my praises!

...We will just need to put a sack over your head first.

Tatty bye!

Love, Reaver

P.S. I am well aware of a forum containing the drabble of individuals such as yourself, who have absolutely no life, exists here as well. I imagine you won't be able to resist copying and pasting a personal letter from the Pirate King onto one of your pathetic little threads. Go on, I enjoy the notoriety.