Um. Um. I really don't know how to start this. I don't know what to do. Um. Okay. Let's start with a joke. What does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice!

Hee hee hee hee...! Uh, break the ice? Geddit? ... 'cause polar bears live on ice? And they're kinda fat...? Anyone...?

(To any polar bears reading this profile: I don't mean to offend! I'm so sorry, you're all so beautiful. Life is still worth living, no matter your size! You know, if you give a little love, you can change the world - nah, wait, that's Ariana Grande. But the point is still valid, amirite?

Don't do drugs, cubs.

But I digress.)

... okay, that was a pretty bad joke. Anywho! (Geddit, 'cause I'm a Whovian? Wait, you don't know that, yet. Or maybe you do. But that joke just got horribly invalidized. Sorry about that.) I'm Cam. It's nice to meet you! I, for one, am a sarcastic, distasteful high school student and a part time author. Now, I write loads. Loads and loads of words. But I'm also kind of terribly paranoid, so 87.6% of it ends up in the rubbish bin instead of here, 'cause three days later I don't care for it and I get mad at myself. Anyway, my username is pistachiomacaroons because that was once a universal username for me and 'cause pistachio macaroons are really delicious. I really like food, honestly. But I digress - again. I have a feeling I'm gonna be saying that a lot. Basically, I'm an unwillingly converted TV show addict. My current obsessions include Doctor Who, BBC Sherlock, Supernatural, Lost, Criminal Minds and Harry Potter. (And I'm watching Merlin. And reading the LotR trilogy. Someone help me.) Yup, I know, awful lot of British television here. Even though I live in Antartica. (I'm Santa, by the way. You're welcome, ungrateful non-believing scumbags.)

In other news, about 99% of my friends would tell you I have a flair for homoerotic tension in said British television (and American television, too, sadly). Translation: I've fallen into the trap of liking slash way more than I should. Whoops.

Wait, wait! Before you run away screaming, you should know that I've written slash once in my whole entire life. Once, guys. And I don't actually read it very often either - I prefer being ever-frustrated by my ships remaining friends but you could punch a hole in the sexual tension in the air goddamnit. I do plead guilty to thinking about it way too much, but, as a wise man once said, what happens in Vegas (or, in this case, an idiotic fangirl's mind) stays in Vegas.

Also, I'm a huge jerkwad and have a huge aversion to bad fanfiction, and I'm honestly so unwilling to read it at times that I mostly cave in and search by 'most favourited'. It's extremely hypocritical and grimly ironic, 'cause it's because of readers like me that writers like me don't get a chance. I promise I'll start reading semi-obscure fanfiction someday. That's my 2013 new year's resolution, okay? Someone smack me if I don't stick to that.

Annnnd I'm pretty sure that's all you need to know about me for now! I'll see you around!

-- pistachiomacaroons

Here. Have some fun stuff.

／l、
（ﾟ､ ｡ ７
l、 ヽ
じしf, )ノ If you are destined to become a crazy old cat lady someday and can't wait, put this on your profile.

If you're the type of person that gets really excited when you get like two reviews, copy and paste this into your profile.. (Hint, hint, guys.)

Pluto was declared no longer a planet on August 27, 2006, because it was "too small" and "off its orbit" for some scientist's liking. If you think Pluto should still be a planet, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've every tripped up the stairs (and sprained my ankle while doing so...), copy and paste onto you profile.

If you're a total clutz, copy and paste this into your profile.

I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it. If you are insane, enjoying every second, and proud of it, copy this and paste it into your profile.

If you think that Uther Pendragon would accuse a rock of sorcery if he tripped on it, paste this on your profile.

If people think you are mentally insane...copy this into your profile.

If they are right...copy and paste this into your profile.

If several inanimate objects hate you, copy and paste this into your profile

If you are a person who acts friendly but has an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination and how to make all of the worthless worms who are mean to you bow down before you, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

Supermarket

1. Run up to a complete stranger and say "You're it!"

2. Sample all the fragrances in the perfume department.

3. Switch the men’s and women’s signs on the doors of the restroom.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

5. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

6. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

7. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

8. Ask if you can buy a shopping cart.

9. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

10. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

School

1. Place chalk inside the erasers so the teachers end up putting big 'ol lines across the blackboard.

2. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper, perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the paper and correct all your typos.

3. End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds".

4. Hand your paper in a sealed envelope with postmarks from several different countries on it. Say that you wanted several different perspectives on your work.

5. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do the paper because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the paper actually exists.

6. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you had.

7. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you until the next full moon.

8. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.

9. When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in.

10. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.

Elevator

1. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”

2. Ask, “did you hear that cable snapping sound?”

3. Call out, “Group hug!” and enforce it.

4. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

5. Challenge people to games of hide-and-seek.

6. Do Tai Chi exercises.

7. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers

that this is your “personal space.”

8. Give each passenger a round of applause as they enter or leave.

9. Give people lectures about the periodic table of elements

10. Hum the theme from Mission Impossible with yours eyes darting around the elevator.

11. Leave a box in a corner, and when someone gets on, ask if they hear something ticking.

12. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

13. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

14. Move your desk in to the elevator, and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

15. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

16. Open a lemonade stand.

17. Place police tape (CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS) on the inside of the doors.

18. Preach about the end of the world.

19. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.

20. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

21. Say, while holding a paper with OUT OF ORDER written on it, “I wonder why this was glued on the door when I came in.”

22. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

23. Tell the passengers not to worry. The bomb won't go off for at least another two minutes.

24. Wear a Santa suit...in June.

25. When the elevator doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay, don’t panic, they’ll open again.”

Office

1. Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Playland. Charge everyone 15 each.

2. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

3. Email your boss the message: I know what you did last vacation. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

5. Hang mistletoe over your desk.

6. Hide a rubber cockroach in inventive places.

7. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

8. Put a picture of your mother on your business card.

9. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

10. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

11. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

12. Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.

13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

14. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”

15. Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.

Funeral

1. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.

2. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.

3. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.

4. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.

5. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.

6. Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.

7. At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.

8. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.

9. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.

10. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

Ways to annoy Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to

remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

5. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

6. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

7. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

8. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

9. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear

and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

10. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

11. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

12. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

13. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it,

and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

14. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says,

"For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a

few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("

15. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney.