Fun Quotes

"On the count of 3"
"why 3?"
"That's just the way it works,"
"Why not five?"
"Are you new here?"

"I love you...now would be the time to say something."
"I told you not to fall in love with me."

"NO! You wanna know the real reason your scared, because you wanna be with me too"

"So will it kill you to try?"
"Yep, and I'm too young to die"

"Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you."

"No body puts Baby in the corner"

"Don't fall for some one unless their willing to catch you"

"The pen is mightier than the sword."

"You can close your eyes to things you don't want to see but you can't close your heart to things you don't want to feel.

"if you really love something set it free if it comes back than its yours, if it doesn't than it was never meant to be"

"Boys are like purses: cute, full of crap and can always be replaced"

"I don't need no money, fortune, or fame. I got all the riches baby, one man can claim"

"If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."

"There are places I remember all my life, though some have changed. Some forever, not for better, some have gone and some remain."

"Where am I to go, now that I've gone too far?"

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime you just might find, you get what you need"

"Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone."

"Some people think hanging on makes us stronger but really its learning to let go"

"My best friends are the kind that if my house were on fire, they'd be roasting marsh mellows and flirting with the firemen,"

"Good friends will pick you up when your down, BEST FRIENDS will push you back down and laugh"

"Good friends ask why you're crying, BEST FRIENDS already have the shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry"

"Good friends will bail you out of jail, BEST FRIENDS will be sitting right there next to you going, 'Damn That was freakin awesome',"

"Good friends will say you can do better, BEST FRIENDS will call him up and say "You have seven days to live"

"Good friends will help you with your crack addiction, BEST FRIENDS are the ones who sold it to you,"

"Good friends will help you move, BEST FRIENDS will help you move a dead body"

"Good friends will let you dance with your boyfriend, BEST FRIENDS will yell 'No She's Mine'"

"Good friends don't let you do stupid things, BEST FRIENDS don't let you do stupid things alone"

"Good friends will buy you lunch, BEST FRIENDS will eat yours."

"Good friends will take you to buy a pregnancy test, BEST FRIENDS will stand outside the bathroom screaming "NAME IT AFTER ME!"

"Good friends will stop you from overreacting, BEST FRIENDS will walk beside you while chanting, 'Someone's gonna get it'"

"A best friend can look at you with a smile on your face and ask 'What's wrong?'"

"She's the kind of friend I could call in the middle of the night and say I killed somebody and she'd ask 'where you put the body'"

"It takes a minute to like some one, an hour to have a crush, and a day to fall in love, but it takes a lifetime to forget!"

"Love is complicated, so I'll just support fictional love and fall in love with fictional characters. They'll never break my heart"

"I live in a world where unicorns eat rainbows and poop butterflies,"

"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."

"A true friend is someone who will still ride in a car with you no matter how many times you almost killed them"

"Why do we kill people who kill people to show people that killing people is wrong?"

"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button."

"Join the Vampires we have Edward Cullen,"

"They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill to many people."

"There is nothing to fear but fear itself"

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils"

"It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird"

"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling"

"Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty. Me? i just want to know who the hell is drinking my damn beer"

"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity"

"Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?"

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking"

"A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read."

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."

"I can resist everything except temptation."

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

"I ain't sleeping. I'm just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids."

"Where in the nursery rhyme does say that Humpty Dumpty is an egg?"

"I forgot to remember"

"I forgot to wake up"

"Friendship is like peeing on yourself, everyone can see it but only you can feel it"

"Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you."

"Love doesn't make the world go round, Love is what makes the ride worthwhile"

"Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love"

"Everything here is edible. I am edible, but, that, my children, is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies"

"It's always the last place you look...of course it is, why the hell would I keep looking after I found it"

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one."

"A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway"

"If you can read this, thank a teacher"

"Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body."

"I am not a speed reader. I am a speed understander"

"A wonderful thing about a book, in contrast to a computer screen, is that you can take it to bed with you."

"I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library"

"There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them"

"When I got my library card, that was when my life began"

"Children are made readers on the laps of their parents"

"Classic. A book which people praise and don't read"

"Suicide hotline...Please hold"

"Hey look a light at the end of the tunnel"

"Don't touch the red button"
"Ooh, what does this button do?

"So...you're a cannibal?"

"Do stairs go up or down"

When people say, 'I’m so tired it's not even funny' or 'my head hurts so much it's not even funny', why would it even be funny in the first place?"

"No, I don't have PMS. I just really hate you."

Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young"

"If you get caught looking just remember he was looking back"

"A day without sunshine is like...you know...night"

"Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to"

"Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!"

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese"

"Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway."

"you say psycho like it's a bad thing"

"I told your boyfriend he was gay, and he hit me with his PURSE"

"My friends are the kind of people who will spend hours trying to drown a fish"

"Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do"

"As I said before I never repeat myself"

"I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therfore I'm perfect"

"This is Bob, you can't see him but he thinks you have some serious problems. Right Bob?"

"You smell like Coconuts"

"There are 3 kinds of people in this world...those you want things to happen, those that make things happen, and those who just wonder what the hell happened"

"How do I know that loving life is not a delusion? How do I know that in hating death I am not like a man who, having left home in his youth, has forgotten the way back?"

"Men fear death, as if unquestionably the greatest evil, and yet no man knows that it may not be the greatest good."

"Every mortal loss is an immortal gain"

"If you can't hear my heart beat you're too far away"

"Teachers dated me. My parents hated me. I was always in a fight cuz I can't do nothing right."

"Cuz I'm bluffin with my muffin."

"I'm the type of girl who will chase down a silver volvo screaming "BITE ME!"

"Silence is golden but Duct tape is silver"

"I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me"

"Just a moment... I hear people wanting something... ME!"

"STOP! Lemme tell something to joo... I know size can be daunting... but don't be afraid... I love you!"

"Yeah, I saw an animal do that once and then they rolled him over and he was dead."

"Come here, sausage. I take you with ketchup!"
Yeah, but first you gotta catch up!"

"Man this guy is so accidently cool"

"I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself. Fish are friends, not food."

"Saw the whole thing, dude. First you were all like "whoa", and we were like "whoa", and you were like "whoa..."

"Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim."

"Hey, Conscience, am I dead?"

"shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy. Come on, Squishy Come on, little Squishy."

" Well, you never really know, but when they know, you know, y'know?"

" Uhhh... the sea monkeys have my money... yes, I'm a natural blue"

"Oh, it's awesome, Jellyman. The little dudes are just eggs, we leave 'em on a beach to hatch, and then, coo-coo-cachoo, they find their way back to the big ol' blue."

"Oh. Intro- Jellyman, offspring. Offspring, Jellyman"

"No, no, no eating here tonight, you're on a diet!"

"One day were gonna look back at this, laugh awkwardly, and quickly change the subject"

"When America sneezes Europe gets the cold"

"No way it's a guy look at it's boobies"

"History may not always repeat itself, but it always rhymes"

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose that any other name would smell as sweet."

"A friend is someone who is there for you when he would rather be somewhere else."

"True friendship can afford true knowledge. It does not depend on darkness and ignorance."

"You're my friend, you laugh, I laugh, You cry, I cry, You jump off a bride and I'll get in a paddle boat to save your stupid ass."

"I love you, I do, but if the zombies chase us, I'm tripping you."

"Age is mind over matter. If you don't mind it doesn't matter."

"In politics, if you want anything said ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman."

"Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them."

"It's much easier to turn a friendship into love, than love into friendship."

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer."

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."

"Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday."

"Yesterday was the past, Tomorrow is the future, Today is a gift, that's why they call it the present."

"A stupid man's report of what a clever man says is never accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand."

"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense."

"A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction."

" Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him all weekend."

"If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it."

"Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried."

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."

"You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants."

"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."

"I'm gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass..you can hear the sound of your small intestine as it produces shit!"

"I tried seeing from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass."

"What happens if a car comes?"
"We die"

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out"

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever."

"It's so unfair"
"Of course it's unfair. We're women. Our choices are never easy."

"They've got you trapped, Rose. And you're gonna die if you don't break free. Maybe not right away because you're strong but... sooner or later that fire that I love about you, Rose... that fire's gonna burn out..."

"This is crazy."
"I know. It doesn't make any sense. That's why I trust it"

"The problem isn't finding out where you are gonna go-its figuring out what you are gonna do once you get there that is!"

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffet is empty.

Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.

Just remember if it wasn't for gravity, we'd all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75 of the world population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration...

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the empty gun is thrown at him?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

"I bet that Van Gogh guy cut off his ear by accident and made up that 'lost love' story so he wouldn't look stupid."

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

"Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away...if your car could go straight upwards."

Always follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

"The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life."