OHMYGOD.

I REALLY LOVE EMINEM, DAVID BECKHAM AND ALL TIME LOW.

YUUP.

KAY, BYE.

CAROLINE.

HOW GREAT ARE THESE JOKES?

OH YEAAH.

1. Slimming Down
A man was standing on the scale, sucking in his stomach. The man's wife sarcastically said, "I don't

think that's going to help."

"Sure it does," he said. "How else could I see the numbers?"

2. What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?

A private tutor!!

6. When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe
playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

7. I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start to eat.

8. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where
the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it
would defeat the purpose.

9. The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.

11. Atom Humor
Two atoms are drinking at the bar. Suddenly one says to the other, "I've just lost one of my

electrons!"
"Are you sure?" asks the other.

"Yes," replied the first atom. "I'm positive."

13. The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

15. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

16. Conversation The real art of conversation is not only to say the right
thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at
the tempting moment.

17. You can listen to thunder after lightening to tell how close
you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it never mind.

18. You can always pick your nose but you can never choose your face

19. Ever wish someone was a whine bottle and you could put a cork in em?

20. Constipated People Don't Give A crap.

21. Jay Lo Cal barely dressing

22. what do you call a fish without an eye? ...a fsssshhhh

23. I drank 8 cokes today... I burped 7-up

24. How do you make a venesian blind? ...you poke him in the eye

25. ask not what your country can do for you, ask who in your country you can do
-President Clinton

27. Did you hear about thr new Chinese novel called "Spots on the Wall" by Who Flung Poo?

whats green and brown, has 4 legs, and if it falls on you could kill you?
Pool Table
what do you call 4 Mexicans in quick sand... Quatro sinko

its like my daddy used 2 always say... "you can laugh now, but when u stop... you wont be

laughin.

whats a cow with no legs... ground beef.

33. Why dont you take a long walk off a short pier

36. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it,
chances are you won't either.

37. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me
at kick boxing.

39. Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

40. Glasses
--

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says
here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

42. Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery

43. May all your dreams come true, and may you have only nightmares.

44. I think I am a pretty decisive person.

45. Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses

46. Ever been to Florida University? FU?

47. What do toilets and anniversaries have in common?

Men always miss them.

48. If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food??

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile.

If you're hyper, like being hyper, and are hyper all the time like ME, COPY THIS INTO YOUR PROFILE!

If people think you are mentally insane...copy and paste this onto your profile

If they are right...copy and paste this into your profile

Only crazy people can understand the brilliance of crazy things. If you are crazy and proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile!

If you are weird, insane, crazy, odd, not-normal, a freak of nature, psychotic, random or anything similar, copy this into your profile

If you randomly jump up and down, copy this onto you're profile fool!

If you're are the sexiest person alive, copy this on yo profile NOW .

If you're are random+crazy+PROUD, copy this onto you're profile fool!

guys, legit, do this!

ITS SO FUN!

AND PEOPLE GET PISSED, AHAHAH!

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals
throughout the day.

4. Don't bother doing your own shopping. Simply find someone with a full trolley containing roughly the items you need, and when they are not looking take it and go pay for it at the checkout. (this is not stealing, they did not own the items yet, they were simply 'moving them around')

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit, then arrange them into erotic poses. (be creative with the gift-wrap tubes used in point 6).

9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly,
especially in thin aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I
think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off
and turn the volume up to full blast.

12. Re-enact a fatal incident involving the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen
you in so long." etc. See if they play along. Insist on calling them 'Bob', and if they protest, get angry about it (violent if necissary).

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself
loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap anyway?!"

15. When you leave the store, try your car keys in the door of every car in the car park until you get to your own. Then drive off as if this is perfectly normal. (Note- if you don't actually own a car and walked to the store, attempt the above by substituting car keys with your house keys).

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are
taking it for a test drive.

17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet
behind them. Do this until they leave the store.

18. Ask if you can test some super-glue before buying it, then walk around the store gluing random items to other items/customers/staff. For added fun: See how many cashiers you can glue to each-other before any of them notice.

19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner say "BEEP" in a loud voice. Repeat this for every item, and for other customers items. If the cashier protests, kill them.

20. Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and
when they say you didn't buy it there say "The customer is always right dammit!!" Make a scene.

21. Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you
will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other
aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,
"I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave."

26. Climb things.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello"
upside down. Once you have mastered this, progress to "boobs".

29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and
say, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between
them yelling "Red Rover."

31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any
in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples). Do a vague hand-mime of what a 'Shnerple' looks like to assist them.

32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale
battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.

33. Take bets on the battle from above.

34. Test the brushes and combs in Cosmetics on all the live animals in Pet-Care.

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask
the clerk where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as
possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
Mission Impossible.

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags against their will.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to
your Twinkies."

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: Marco Polo.

43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet
section, etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's using an alternative alphabet of your choosing.

45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with
various funnels.

46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at
something, quickly place random combinations of items in their cart, such as 'A Large Cucumber and a Tub of Vasceline'.

47. Relax in the patio furniture drinking beer until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to
your knees and scream, "No, no, its those voices again."

49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to
the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don't get out
much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.