Sex: Female (dur *looks at username*)

Age: ...not tellin'...

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Funny Sayings:

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

Teamwork is essential – it allows you to blame someone else.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Don't worry too much about what people think, because they seldom do.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "mommy, why does the girl wear white?" his mom replies, "the bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life." the boys thinks about this, and then says, "well then, why is the boy wearing black?…"

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Be good – and if you can't be good, be careful.

Okay, so God made man first, but doesn't everyone make a rough draft before they make a masterpiece?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.

Everyone has the ability of making someone happy, some by entering the room, others by leaving it.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Never buy a car you can't push.

If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Most people don't act stupid -- it's the real thing.

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

Raising a kid is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.

I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Don't knock on death's door, ring the doorbell and run- he hates that.

Reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of alcohol.

Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.

When life gives you lemons, squirt them in your enemy’s eyes!

If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don’t know what the hell is going on.

If you’re not confused, you don’t have all the facts

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

The problem with the future is it turns into the present.

People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

This would be really funny if it wasn’t happening to me.

Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade since it consists principally of dealing with men

If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxi cabs or cutting hair.

Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you ca n’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

"Six in 10 Mexicans believe life is better in the United States. The other 4 out of the 10 already live here."

Guns don't kill people… but they make it real easy.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

Whoever said nothing is imposible never tried slamming a revolving door!!!

A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.

Roses are red; violets are blue; God made me pretty; what happened to you?

God will forgive me. That’s his job, after all.

A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now!

I’m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, best friends, location of friend’s houses, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house

Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who’s got the smallest.

Guys who have big muscles and a nice car are usually trying to make up for a lost feature.

I already know I’m going to hell, I’m just paving the road.

Men should be like Kleenex…soft, strong, and disposable.

Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.

Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the project manager, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

"Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs".

Get the facts first. You can distort them later.

Wise men don't need advice. Fools won't take it.

When you become senile, you won't know it.

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.

Football is a game for trained apes. That, in fact, is what most of the players are--retarded gorillas wearing helmets and uniforms. The only thing more debased is the surrounding mob of drunken monkeys howling the gorillas on.

Democracy--rule by the people--sounds like a fine thing; we should try it sometime in America.

The missionaries go forth to Christianize the savages - as if the savages weren't dangerous enough already.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Cute but Phsyco. Things even out!

You cant spell 'Slaughter' without 'Laughter'.

Behind every powerful man, there's a woman.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

If the opposite of 'pro' is 'con', then what's the opposite of 'progress'? (Congress)

Eat right, exercise, die anyway.

I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away.

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

Your chances of getting struck by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky and yell "Storms Suck!"

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

Last night i was looking up at the stars when suddenly i wondered, "Dude, where the heck's my ceiling?"

Everyday I think people can't get any stupider. Everyday I am proven horribly wrong.

I've been given sugar. Please use this time to prepare for the end of the world.

Come join the dark side, we have cookies.

A vase is basically a flower torture device; you rip it from it's home, put it in a small container and watch it die slowly.

You plus me equals knives and blood.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

That which doesn't kill you...will probably try again.

This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force.

For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Always remember you're unique...just like everyone else.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it

I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there and really don't want to see you everyday

Someday, we'll look on this, laugh nervously and change the subject

Normal people scare me...but not as much as I scare them

Fighting is mind over matter. I don't mind, and you don't matter

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it's usually an oncoming express train.

There are three kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves.

He who laughs last thinks slowest

An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

Love your enemies. It gets them really confused.

Flying is simple, you just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

The trouble with life, is there's no background music.

Don't make me mad, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

If life gives you lemons...throw them at someone.

I've learned from my mistakes, and I'm sure I could repeat them exactly.

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

An optimist is someone who falls off the empire state building and after 50 floors says "So far so good!"

Chaos, panic, pandemonium, my work here is done.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... Is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? And is it suicide or murder?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die from natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, then it was a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost in the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life to seriously. No one ever gets out alive.

Have you noticed that sense everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used too?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,"I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and what evercomes out I'll drink"?

Who was the first person to look at a chicken and say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? (taxes)

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

What do you call male ballerinas?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

When French people swear do they say pardon my English?

If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?

Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?

Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?

Let me know if anything I say offends you, I might wanna offend you later.

One way to figure out how things work, push all the buttons!

I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.

I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

All the good ones are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.

"You know what the trouble with real life is? There's no danger music."

"He who stands on a windowsill to see how far out he can lean without falling is a moron."

"Sticks and Stones may scar my skin but words slice through my soul within"

"Don't judge a book by it's cover, nor a person by thier scars"

People will always talk about you. Might as well give them something to talk about

Secret admirers are stalkers with stationary

Don't follow me, I'm lost too

It's always the last place you look. Of course it is why would I keep looking after I've found it?

I'm sick of following my dreams, I'm just gonna ask where their going and hook up with them later

Do I have to spell it out for you or scream it in you face?

Haha. I don't get it

So what if we act like immature idiots? We're having fun.

Set sail in a genaral that way direction

Docters say I have multiple personalities. We disagree with that.

Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read in school about the wars that solved America's problems?

How are the force and duct tape the same?- They both have light and dark sides and hold the universe together.

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.

The world is full of crazy people. THEY MADE ME THEIR LEADER.

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliff.

"I never said I was normal... you just presumed I was."

"People say violence isn't the answer. Well, they're right. Violence is the question. The answer is 'HELL YES'."

ONLY IN AMERICA...

...are there handicap parking spaces in front of ice-skating rinks

...sick people go to the back of Walgreens to get their medicine, while healthy people get their cigarettes at the front

...people buy hotdogs in packs of 10 and hotdog buns in packs of 8

...the banks leave both vaults open and then chain the pens to the counter

...people order a double cheese burger, large fries, and a diet coke

...people leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveways and keep their junk in garages

...people use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss the calls from someone they don't want to talk to in the first place

...is the word "politics" used to describe the process so well; "Poli-" in latin means "many" and "tics" mean "blood-sucking creatures

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

WARNINGS

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation..)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

On an American Flag: Made in China

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person can't.

this is this cat

this is is cat

this is how cat

this is to cat

this is keep cat

this is a cat

this is retard cat

this is busy cat

this is for cat

this is forty cat

this is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down and I bet you can't resist passing it on.

Girls are like
apples on trees. The best
ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach for
the good ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they
just get the rotten apples from the ground
that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples
at the top think something is wrong with
them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right
boy to come along, the one
who's brave enough
to climb
all the way
to the top
of the tree.

Things that true friends would do!!

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4.When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5.When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6.When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7.When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8.When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

These are the things girls want a boyfriend to do...

1)When she walks away from you mad=== Follow her

2)When she stares at your lips=== Kiss her

3)When she pushes you or hits you=== Grab her and don't let go

4)When she starts cursing at you=== Kiss her and tell her you love her

5)When she's quiet=== Ask her what's wrong

6)When she ignores you=== Give her your attention

7)When she pulls away== Pull her back

8)When you see her at her worst=== Tell her she's beautiful

9)When you see her start crying== Just hold her and don't say a word

10)When you see her walking== Sneak up and hug her waist from behind

11)When she's scared=== Protect her

12)When she lays her head on your shoulder=== Tilt her head up and kiss her

13)When she steals your favorite sweatshirt== Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night

14)When she teases you=== Tease her back and make her laugh

15)When she doesn't answer for a long time=== reassure her that everything is okay

16)When she looks at you with doubt== Back yourself up with the TRUTH

17)When she says that she likes you== she really does more than you could understand

18)When she grabs at your hands=== Hold hers and play with her fingers

19)When she bumps into you=== bump into her back and make her laugh

20)When she tells you a secret=== keep it safe and untold

21)When she looks at you=== tell her that she looks cute

-I'm Sorry

Girls Don't Realize These Things

I'm sorry
that I bought you roses
to tell you that I like you

I'm sorry
That I was raised with respect
not to sleep with you when you were drunk

I'm sorry
That my body's not ripped enough
to "satisfy" your wants

I'm sorry
that I open your car door,
and pull out your chair like I was raised

I'm sorry
That I'm not cute enough
to be "your guy"

I'm sorry
That I am actually nice;
not a jerk

I'm sorry
I don't have a huge bank account
to buy you expensive things

I'm sorry
I like to spend quality nights at home
cuddling with you, instead of at a club

I'm sorry
I would rather make love to you then just screw you
like some random guy.

I'm sorry
That I am always the one you need to talk to,
but never good enough to date

I'm sorry
That I always held your hair back when you threw up, and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car,
but when we went out you went home with another guy

I'm sorry
That I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere,
but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend

I'm sorry
If I start not being there because it hurts being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around

I'm sorry
If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work

I'm sorry
that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.

I'm sorry
If you read this and know somebody like this
but don't care

But most of all

I'm sorry
For not being sorry anymore

I'm sorry
That you can't accept me for who I am

I'm sorry
I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good
enough to make it in your world.

I'm sorry
I caught your boyfriend with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for...

I'm sorry
That I told you I loved you and actually meant it.

I'm sorry
That I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your boyfriend was threatening you instead of spending time with my family.

I'm Sorry
That I cared

I'm sorry
that I listen to you at night talking about how you wish you could have done something different.

Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies, next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?"
Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you.

If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, copy and paste into your profile as 'I'm sorry'

If You're one of the FEW girls with enough BALLS to copy and paste this into your profile, and you would never make your guy feel this way, copy and paste into your profile as 'Girls Don't Realize These Things'

THESE are my Evil Demonic Plot Bunnies.

...() () (\_/) (\_/)
...(0.0) (0.o) (+'.'+)
...( _ ) c(")(") (")_(")

they want to ask you to PLEASE copy and paste them...PLEASE!?

Favorite Animes:

One piece

Pretear

FMA

Naruto (somewhat...)

Bleach

(I have a bunch of others but I am to lazy to list them all)

Random Facts:

I love fanfictions with OC's that AREN'T completely Mary-Sue.

And I absolutely LOVE reviews!