sometimes things dont turn out the way you want it to. so you shrug it off. you figure that somehow someday you will get your chance. but some times, like me, you never do. i go through a lot of pain. i lost my mother when i was eleven, and i seldom have seen any of my family since then excluding birthdays, holidays, etc. but my cousin, sarah, has been a better sister to me then i ever will be to my own sisters. since i lost my mother, things have only been downhill. of course, i do have some good times. like i met the most amazing girl named uriah. she is alike to me in so many ways, and suported me as much as she could. she laughed with me, cried with me, and defended me when i couldnt defend myself. im sorry to say i didnt return the favor. recently our freindship broke on my behalf. i told her we just dont go together like we should. insted of being happy and haveing a healthy realationship, we were always cutting together, and feeding eachother depression. i feel so conflicted because in my heart i know what i did was right, but my mind does not agree. they both have trouble prossesing the loss. falling deeper into the unknown territory of depression for me, i didnt know what else to but cling to sarah. sarahs really suportive, ( sometimes annoyingly so), but she also has times where she needs me to support her too, but sometimes im not as calm as her. often i get caught up in her conflict that i forget its not mine and i get even more mad. mad at the word mad at myself. ashamed. i know that its impossible, bu tsometimes i wish i could just close my eyes, count to three, and my mother would magically appear. but i know thats just not going to happen, so i do the thing i do the most when im upset. i sing. you can say im a semi-pro at it. i have been singing since i could remember. but i do remember my passion for singing started with my bird, tayah. i know thats not how you spel it, but it beats putting tea. i got her because i had PTSD, or Post Tramatic Stress Disorder. its because i got malseted, and now im finally not afraid to admit it. now that i know that ive been in that situation five times, its never going to happen again. i was also malested sarahs brother, but then the worst of the worst happend. somthing so messed up that it makes me question everything and body ive ever known. no one beleived me. they thought that i was covering up for getting caught kissing a boy. they thought i was lying to get attention. every body thought wrong. exept for sarah. for that, knowing there was someone out there who had my back and didnt question a word i say, was a feeling i wanted to bottle up and keep close forever. Because you never know when someone you love the most will leave you at the one time you need them the most. i dedicate this ending to sarah. i wrote it for one of my books, and i want her to know that this is exactly how i dont want our ending to be. " please, please dont leave me. youre the only one i have left." giovanni said. he was sitting on the side of izabels bed, with izabel dying in it. "i wish i could... i wish i could stay, but i cant..." she felt herself fading. giovanni gripped her hand. " no! dont leave. not yet." he said desperately. "promise me somthing." she said, voice hoarse. " yes! anything!" he said jumping up. "lie." he looked, confused. "lie and tell me its going to be okay. that in the end ill stil be here." " its going to be alright. youll be here with me forever." he gripped her hand hopefully. "wrong answer." the heart monitor beeped.