'In that direction,' the Cat said, waving its right paw round, 'lives a Hatter: and in that direction,' waving the other paw, 'lives a March Hare. Visit either you like: they're both mad.'
'But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
'Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: 'we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'
'How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice
'You must be' said the Cat 'or you wouldn't have come here'

--Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

So You've Bought a Dracheheim: Introductory Notes From the Creator of the Dracheheim Interactive Toy

I stand before you, ladies and gentlemen, as a madman. I always take other people's feelings into account, I care about the integrity of the English language, and I believe love to be more important than sex.

Clearly, I'm off of my rocker. I'm waiting for the men in white to take me away...for I have always relied upon the kindness of strangers.

How It Works: A Guide to Operating Your New Dracheheim

1. Dracheheims respond positively to those who read and review their writings.

2. Dracheheims run on proper English. Use of improper English may lead to malfunctioning or even motor failure.

3. Dracheheims do not always have time to complete every little task that may be set for them. Relax, and allow your Dracheheim to work its way through the current workload before making any excessive demands upon it.

4. Dracheheims may have priorities that rank above you. Get over yourself.

5. Dracheheims attempt to work with some form of deadlines, but they sometimes fail due to the unavoidable complications of life. Do not panic.

Status: What to Expect From Your New Dracheheim

Current models of the Dracheheim come equipped with "Identity," an unorthodox take on the personality and history of a very familiar Superman character, as well as the rough draft of "Punch Line," a tale of madmen set in Gotham.

Future models will include more complete versions of the "Punch Line" software. We are also working on developing a new software, but, in order to prevent theft of our ideas, we are unable to give you any concrete details about it. All we can supply at the current time is the code-name "Bicycle 53."

Frequently Asked Questions: Top-Notch Dracheheim Experts Answer Your Queries

Q: My Dracheheim isn't publishing as frequently as usual. What's wrong?

A: Your Dracheheim is probably dealing with real life at the moment. Give it some time, then try again.

Q: My Dracheheim didn't respond to my forum post? Why not?

A: Current Dracheheim models do not go onto the forums. This safeguard is in place in order to prevent them from wasting the time that they could be using to write.

Q: Will my Dracheheim write a story based off of an idea that I give to it?

A: It might, depending on several factors.

Q: My Dracheheim didn't write a story based off of my idea. Why not?

A: While your story idea may be fascinating, your Dracheheim may not be equipped with the proper data necessary to flesh it out. Alternatively, it may have too many other projects to work on at the current time. Your Dracheheim will be complimented by the request, however, and will respond favorably to you in the future.

Q: OMG mi drachime iznt respondin 2 me y not/

A: See bullet "2" in How It Works. While Dracheheims are generally tolerant of all of the internet's inhabitants, excessively poor English may make them less receptive. You can try one of the two following suggestions:

1. Re-type your query in more understandable terms.

2. Keep the spelling of your query, but turn it into a "LOLcat." Dracheheims love "LOLcats," oddly enough.

I hope that you enjoy your new Dracheheim! With love and care, I'm sure that you will develop a bond that will last for many happy stories!

Live long and prosper,

William Darasheim, President of Dracheheim Inc.