Hey everyone! my name is Nikki, duh look at my pen name. I live in Florida. I have been obsessed with fanfics lately and I can't stop writing them, so I figured I might as well post them.

In case if you didn't notice, I LOVE tragedy. Thats not all I write, its just my favorite: )

My favorite show is Sabrina, the teenage witch, and my favorite book is twilight, so most of my stories will be from there!

Twilight is not just my favorite book, I'm obsessed with it! Alice is my favorite but I love all the characters!

And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...

: ) Hiya! I'm the wonderful and magical Tibbi! Whoooooooooh!

I haven't wrote in a long time!! And doesn't it suck Nikki hasn't updated in months either!!

Okay everything below is true for me!

If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you know someone who should get run over by a bus, copy and paste this to your profile.(my gym teacher!)

If you have ever stayed up for over 40 hours continuously just because you could, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you hear the voices of characters in your head, copy and paste this to your profile

If you have ever fallen up the stairs, copy this onto your profile.

If you have ever tripped over air, copy this to your profile.

If you have ever pushed a door that said pull or vise versa, copy this onto your profile.(hehe Shannnon)

If you have ever run into a door, copy this onto your profile.(hehe Tibby)

95 percent of teenagers are concerned about being popular. If you are one of the 5 percent who aren't, copy this onto your profile.

98 percent of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you are one of the 2 percent who hasn't copy this onto your profile.

If you've ever tried to put your hair behind your ears and ended up poking yourself in the eye, copy this to your profile.

I like cheese. I have seen purple cows. If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese, or when two foots are feet, why aren't two footballs feetball? Milk tastes good. People call me crazy, but I'm just random! If your random and proud of it, copy this onto your profile.

If you've ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy this to your profile.

If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy this to you profile.

If you've ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation, copy this onto you profile.

If you've ever tried to hi-five someone and ended up hitting them on the head, copy this onto your profile.

If you're hyper, like being hyper, and are hyper all the time, COPY THIS ONTO YOUR PROFILE!

If you are obsessed with fanfictions, copy this onto your profile.

If you think those stupid kids should just give the rabbit the freakin' Trix, copy this to your profile.

92 percent of American teens would die if Abercrombie and Fitch told them it was uncool to breathe. Copy this to your profile if you are the 8 percent who would be laughing their ass off.

If you have been on your computer for hours on end reading numerous fanfictions, copy this to your profile.

You know your addiction to Twilight is getting dangerous when you've added "Volterra" to your computers dictionary. If you have just done that, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you are absolutely in love with Stephenie Meyer's fictional character, Edward, from Twilight, copy and past this to your profile.

If your super pale, copy and paste this to your profile.(Yes I'm a vampire!)

If you've ever misspelled a word with four or less letters, copy and paste this to your profile.( I always muisspell 'this' I don't know why)

If at least once a week, someone misspells or mispronounces your last name, copy and paster this to your profile.

If you have ever ben pushed into an ice cold pool, copy and paste this to your profile.(yeah thanks Vikki)

If you have ever copied and pasted something to your profile, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you've'e ever fallen off a chair backwards, copy and paste this to your profile.

If people ever mistake you for a vampire(cough or you are one cough cough) copy and paste this to your profile.

If you have ever said something that has nothing to do with the current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile

My best friend is insane, if you agree or if you have an insane friend then copy this to your profile

A large percent of writers don't know the difference between "your" and "you're". If you're one of the ones who does know ands wants to slug them, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think that I'm making you think too much, copy this to your profile.

If you have ever walked into a room then forgot what you were doing, then started walking away and remembered copy this into your profile.

If you have ever had a random song pop into your head at the most completely and utter worst time but you sing it anyway copy this into your profile.

If you have ever mistaken a stick for a snake, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you like filling your profile with 'copy this into your profile' thingys, then COPY THIS INTO YOUR PROFILE!

Racism is wrong and never fails to destroy people in the long run. We are all children of God and in that aspect we are the same, even if we look different. If you are against racism, copy and paste this in your profile

If you ever wondered why the sky is blue, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile.

If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, copy this into your profile

If, for no warning, you have laughed during a movie part that wasn't funny, put this in your profile.

If you are weird, insane, crazy, odd, not-normal, a freak of nature, psychotic, random or anything similar, copy this into your profile.

If when you go to sleep you can hear songs that you haven't heard in three years copy this to your profile.

If you have embarrasing memories that make you want to smack yourself/ someone else, copy this into your profile

If you've ever read started to read a chapter in a fan fiction, got side-tracked, and forgot to review and realized it after the author posted another chapter, copy and paste this on your profile.

If you think the Coa-coa Puff Turky Bird thing shoud go to rehab, copy this into your profile.

If you think that the kids should stop chasing Lucky and leave the leprechaun alone, then copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think Fred should just let Barney have the freakin' Coco Pebbles and stop chasing him, then copy and paste this in your profile.

If several inanimate objects hate you copy and paste this into your profile

If you have ever missed your mouth when trying to take a sip of water, copy and paste this into your profile.

If your profile is longer than the chapters of most of your stories copy and paste this to your profile.

If you are the kind of person that gets really excited when you get, like, two reviews, copy this into your profile.

If you ever bought something just because it was shiny, sparkly, glittery, flashy, or gaudy, copy this into your profile.

If you start giggling insanly after hearing the word Tombolo, copy and paste this into your profile.

For me, crazy is a loose term. Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you what you are doing that is so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour-long sob fest, and then start singing and dancing when your favorite song comes on. Crazy is when you do or say a completely random thing, like "Do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or having a thumbwar with yourself. Crazy is when you type up all your favorite sayings, print them off and tape them to your wall, just for something to do. Crazy is when you memorize the complete biographies and physical traits of every character in Twilight (or almost, at least). Crazy is when you write Emmett or Edward Cullen is hot on your homework insted of doing it. Crazy is when you fill up the tab seperators in your binders withe doodles/love notes/comfessions of love/any other Twilght related thing you can think of about Twilight or the Twilight characters. Crazy is when you can open up Twilight and know exactly which part you're at by reading one word. Crazy is when you print out copies of all the twilight series covers and put them on the wall of your closet. Crazy is when you go to the most expensive store within fifty miles of your home, try on almost every peice of clothing, then walk out with nothing, saying none of it was your style. Crazy is when you break a bone and laugh. Crazy is when on career day I said I was going to move to move to Greece the day I graduate and live on a beach writing stories on the back of paper bags and my best friend asked if she could come too. If you're crazy, copy this onto your profile and add something crazy you've done to the list!

Hehe I love funny quotes:

Give a person a fish, you feed them for a day; Teach a person to use the Internet, they won't bother you for weeks.

Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door..

Some people are like a slinky..not really good for anything, but you can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Never hire a colorblind electrician.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Psychology. Mind over matter. Mind under matter? It doesn't matter. Never mind.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of three of your best friends. If they're okay, then its you.

Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people" Well I think guns help, if you stood there and said "BANG" you wouldn't kill many people.

If someone says there are a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if someone say that there is wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

Friendship is like peeing yourself, everyone can see it, but only you get that warm feeling from it.

It's true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what were missing until we get it.

Never take life seriously, nobody gets out alive anyway.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep--not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him, he isn't going to come.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing

Always remember, you're unique, just like everybody else.

Why is it called "after dark" when it is really "after light"?

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

He who laughs last didn't get it

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing at the shore looking like an idiot.

I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference.

I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on. I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on.

Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that my children is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies.

Let's flip a coin-heads we'll be together, tails we flip again.

Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.

Don't frown, even when you’re sad, someone could be falling in love with your smile.

Education is important, school however, is another matter.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they go by.

Music is love in search of word.

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.

If at first you don't suceed, don't try skydiving.

Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else

Real girls aren't perfect, perfect girls aren't real.

I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not.

Why is it that people are fine with everyone having a different job or going to a different school, but if you say you follow a different religion, you are weird?

A good friend bails you out of jail. A best friend is sitting there next to you saying 'Man, that was fun!'

When you fall: A friend helps you up; a best friend keeps walking and says,"Walk much dumbass?"

My favorite word is sarcasm.

Everyone has a wild side-me and my friends just prefer to make them public

I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh the fun I will have

There are 3 reasons to go through the day: Coffee in the morning, friends in the afternoon, and a good book for the rest of the day.

Oops, I appear to have fallen on your lips.

Note to Self: Normal is just a setting on washing machines.

Somebody needs a Happy Meal.

Music is like candy-you throw away the rappers.

I would be more scared if you were aiming for the person next to me

Do not use an axe to kill a fly on your friends' head.

Boys that make you cry aren't worth crying over; boys that are worth crying over won't make you cry.

Behind every bitch there's a guy that made her that way

My heart is not a playground

I find "good morning" a contradiction of terms

Did you just call me a bitch? Because a bitch is a dog. Dogs bark. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. And nature is beautiful. I know I'm beautiful! Thanks for the complement.

I'm not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse

P.S I never changed, I just got tired of pretending I was happy.

Dear Heart, I met a boy today, prepare to shatter.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

Was that an earthquake, or did i just rock your world?

Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep until noon

Don't call me emo or I'll cry big juicy tears of blood and pain and then I'l die and it will all be YOUR FAULT.

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.

Assassinations is an extreme form of censorship.

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

I hate it when people say:

"When life give you lemons, make lemonade." Well, you know what, life never gave you water and sugar, so you can only make lemon juice.

"It's always in the last place you look" Well duh, who keeps looking after they found it.

"Life is short" What? Name one thing you do that is longer than life.

"Don't you wish you could have your cake and eat it too?" What is the point of having a cake if you can't eat it?

"Lol(all the time)" If you laugh out loud that much, then you have issues.

Hehe funny labels(these are real labels):

Boeing 757-"Fragile. Do not drop"

Liquid plummer-"Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages."

Arm and hammer scoopable cat litter-"safe to use around pets"

Endust duster-"This product is not defined flammable by the consumer products safety commission regulations. However this product can be ignited under certain circumstances"

Baby oil-"Keep out reach of children."

Hair coloring-"Do not use as an ice cream topping."

Sleeping pills-"Warning: may cause drowsiness" One would hope.

Komatsu Floodlight-"This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark"

Earplugs-"These earplugs are nontoxic, but they may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe." Are you sure? Lets experiment.

RCA television remote control-"Not dishwasher safe."

Road sign-"Caution: water on road during rain."

Hair dryer-"Do not use while sleeping" But thats the only time I have to work on my hair!

On a bar of Dial soap- "Directions: use like regaular soap" And that would be how?

Some Swann frozen dinners-"Serving sugestion: Defrost" But it's just a sugestion.

Tesco's dessert (printed on bottem of the box)-"Do not turn upside down" To late! you lose!

Marks and Spencer Bread pudding: "Warning: product may be hot after heating." Wow, I would have never guessed!

Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." But wouldn't that save more time? Whose body?

Boots childrens cough medicine: "Do not drive or operate machinary." We could do alot to reduce construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year old off those fork lifts.

Korean kicthen knife: "Keep out of children." Hmm...I think something got lost in translation.

Christmas lights; "For indoor and outdoor use only." As opposed to outer space.

Food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." Now I'm curious.

Sainsbury's peanuts:"Warning: may contain nuts." But no peas?

American Airlines package of peanuts; "Instructions: open packet. Eat nuts." Someone got paid big bucks to write this one...

Swidish chainsaw:"Do not attept to stop chainsaw with hands." Raise your hand if you've tried this.

Child's surperman costume: "Wearing of this garmet does not enable you to fly." Oh go ahead. Thats right, destroy a universal childhood belief

PLEASE READ WHAT'S UNDER THIS!

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply to much to bear.

We are the couple who had the Realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system suddenly grow cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone tole me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feel s guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have do deal with society hating me.

I am the person who has to hide what the world needs most, love.

I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.

Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it!

But wait, there's more

I'm INTO THEATRE & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.
I’m a VIRGIN, so I MUST be a prude
I'm BI, so I MUST think every girl I see is hot.
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly or crazy.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a Goth.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naïve
I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.
I’m WICCAN, so I MUST be a devil-worshipping baby killer.
I’m A GOOD LIAR, so I MUST be an actor/actress
I’m a BLACK BELT, so I MUST always want to kick someone’s ass
I’m a FEMALE BLACK BELT, so I MUST be a lesbian
I LIKE TO BE MYSELF, so I MUST be cocky and arrogant
I’m FRENCH, so I MUST be homosexual
I’m a BOHEMIAN, so I MUST be a lazy drug addict
I LOVE ANIMALS, so I MUST be a vegetarian
I’m a TREEHUGGER, so I MUST be a drug addicted hippie
I’m INTO JIMI HENDRIX, so I MUST be on drugs
I’m a MUSICIAN, so I MUST not be doing anything with my life
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST love math
I'm BLACK, so I MUST be on welfare
I'm PUNK, so I MUST cut my wrists
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist
I'm IRISH, so I MUST be a alcoholic
I'm BLOND, so I MUST be a stupid ditz
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore
I'm a JEW, so I MUST be greedy
I have A LOT OF GUY FRIENDS so I MUST be dating them all
I have GOOD GRADES, so I MUST be a nerd
I love RENT so I MUST be an emo lesbian with AIDS.
I'm a CHRISTIAN, so I MUST believe in heaven.
Stereotypes suck! Copy, paste & add.

Favorite Twilight Quotes:
-"How strongly are you opposed to grand theft auto?"

-"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?"

-"He was a fool to think you could survive alone. I've never seen someone so prone to life threatening idiocy."

-"I'm not coming over anymore if Alice is going to treat me like Guinea Pig Barbie when I do."

-"But I am a werewolf and he is a vampire."
"And I'm a Virgo."

-"I don't care who's a werewolf and who's a vampire. If Angela turns out to be a witch, she can join the party too."

-"...when it comes to all this enemies nonsense I'm out. I am a neutral country. I am Switzerland."

-"How can someone so tiny be so annoying?"
"It's a talent."

-"I'll be back so soon you won't have time to miss me. Look after my heart, I left it with you."

-“And speaking of Italy and sports cars that I stole there, you still owe me a yellow Porsche.”

-“I’m really glad Edward didn’t kill you. Everything’s so much more fun with you around.”

-Scared the hell out of them, too. Emmett and I were away hunting. Jasper shows up covered in battle scars, towing this little freak who greets them all by name, knows everything about them, and wants to know which room she can move into."
"When I got home, all of my things were in the garage."

-“I never thought I’d see the day where I’d be willing to take a bet against you, Alice, but it has arrived."

-“Would you like to hear my story, Bella? It doesn’t have a happy ending—but which of ours does? If we had happy endings, we’d all be under gravestones now."

-“You’ve experienced the way I can manipulate the emotions around myself, Bella, but I wonder if you realize how the feelings in a room affect me. I live every day in a climate of emotion. For the first century of my life, I lived in a world of bloodthirsty vengeance. Hate was my constant companion.”

MONTH ONE:

Mommy i am only 8 inches long but i have all my organs. I love the sound of your voice. Every time I hear it I wave my arms and legs. The sound of your heart beat is my favorite lullaby.

MONTH TWO:

Mommy today I learned how to suck my thumb. If you could see me you could definitely tell that I am a baby. I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though. It is so nice and warm here.

MONTH THREE:

You know what Mommy I'm a girl!! I hope that makes you happy. I always want you to be happy. I don't like it when you cry. You sound so sad. It makes me sad too and I cry with you even though you can't hear me.

MONTH FOUR:

Mommy my hair is starting to grow. It is very short and fine but I will have alot of it. I spend alot of my time exercising. I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes and stretch my arms and legs. I am becoming quite good at it too.

MONTH FIVE:

You went to the doctor today. Mommy, he lied to you. He said that I am not a baby. I am a baby Mommy, your baby. I think and feel. Mommy, whats abortion?

MONTH SIX:

I can hear that doctor again. I don't like him. He seems cold and heartless. Something is intruding my home. The doctor called it a needle. Mommy what is it? It burns! Please make him stop! I can't get away from it! Mommy! HELP me!

MONTH SEVEN:

Mommy I am okay. I am in Jesus's arms. He is holding me. He told me about abortion. Why didn't you want me Mommy? Every Abortion Is Just...One more heart that was stopped. Two more eyes that will never see. Two more hands that will never touch. Two more legs that will never run. One more mouth that will never speak.

Survey

1. YOUR REAL NAME: Nicole

2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME:(first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): Nicizzle

3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (fav color and fav animal): Purple Monkey

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, and current street name): Lora Blueberry

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, last 3 letters of mom's maiden name): Delniing

6. YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Blue Mountian Dew

7. YOUR ARAB NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of you dads middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, last letter of your moms middle name): Ilowwmn

8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s middle name): Lynn

9. YOUR GOTH NAME: (Black and the name of one your pets): Black Libby

Controversial Issues:
1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction and air conditioning.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans... Re-post this if you believe in legalizing gay marriage

ThInGs To PoNdEr:

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
So what's the speed of dark?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops On my desk, I have a work station..
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why can't you find fresh sardines in the fish market?
Why do so many old people eat at cafeterias?
Why does an "X" stand for a kiss?
Why does the word "Filipino" start with the letter F ?
Why are the copyright dates on movies and television shows written in Roman numbers?

1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places
in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America...do drugstores
make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the
front.

4. Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers,
large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America...do banks leave
both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
and put
our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America...do we use
answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't
miss a
call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8.
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages
of eight.

9. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics'
meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'

.
10. Only in America...do they have
drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem: my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones had winked off again. However, this time, the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...
Post this on your profile if you hate racism

Lessons Learned in Twilight:

1. You can enjoy the banquet while resisting the wine.
2. The future is not set in stone.
3. Men are crabby when they're hungry.
4. Nothing beats an irritable grizzly bear.
5. True love knows no boundaries.
6. Some people are just danger magnets.
7. Even eternal enemies can work together to save something they love.
8. Forget the fangs - real vampires sparkle!
9. Soul mates exist, even if it takes 100 years to find them.
10. Porshe 911 Turbos make really great bribes.
11. Friendship is like the sun on a cloudy day.
12. Snow just means it's too cold for rain.
13. Family is about more than just blood.
14. What's worth doing is worth over-doing.
15. Losing your temper can be hair-raising.
16. "Vegetarian" has many meanings.
17. Even monsters can hold on to their humanity.
18. There are exceptions to every rule.
19. Always verify bad news before doing something stupid.
20. Hearing voices in your head doesn't necessarily mean you're crazy.
21. Love means being willing to sacrifice your happiness for another's.
22. Cold hands = Warm heart.
23. Not breathing is uncomfortable.
24. Stupid lambs and masochistic lions make quite a pair.
25. Romeo was an idiot.
26. Twilight is the saddest and safest time of day.
27. Extreme sports should not be attempted alone.
28. Life is worth very little without someone to share it with.
29. Space heaters can be very annoying.
30. Love can make even the most miserable places paradise.