Poll: Who is the best fanfiction author Vote Now!

Here are some funny things.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. If you are born ugly blame your parents, if you died ugly blame your doctor. Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life. Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... Every morning is the dawn of a new error. When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one. I married "Miss Right". Unfortunately, I didn't know that her first name was "Always". Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives. I am planning to be more spontaneous in the future. Before you borrow money from a friend, decide which you need more. They've got a picture of her at the hospital - it saves using the stomach pump There is an exception to every rule, except this one. The wise never marry, and when they marry they become otherwise. Love is photogenic, It needs darkness to develop. When you are working late, the boss will never be around. When you are surfing the net the boss will always drop by.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together."

"I’m sorry, my fault, I forgot you were an idiot."

"Take my advice, I don't use it anyway."

"I’m not as dumb as you look."

"There is intelligent life on Earth, but I’m just visiting."

"I wear the brains in the family."

"There’s no future in time travel."

"Beat the 5 o’clock rush - Leave work at noon."

"I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit."

"Where there’s a will… I want to be in it."

"People like you are the reason people like me need medication."

"There’s too much blood in my alcohol system."

"Do not disturb, I’m disturbed enough already."

"Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by again."

"I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"Always remember you’re unique… Just like everyone else."

"If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"I’m the person your mother warned you about."

"A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory."

"Weapons of mass distraction."

"I can resist everything, except temptation."

"If you don't like my attitude, quit talking to me."

"I don’t know what makes you dumb, but it really works."

"It is better to let everyone think you are stupid, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt."

"Let's save time and just assume I know everything."

"If you wanna come second... Follow me!!"

"Save a horse, ride a cowboy!"

"A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow."

"Twinkle twinkle I'm a star."

"My opinions may have changed but not the fact that I am right!"

"I'm not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example."

"Please entertain me, I'm bored!"

"One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory."

"Everyone seems normal until you get to know them."

"Nothing is illegal until you get caught."

"I'm open to suggestions, just not to taking them."

"Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat."

"The more I learn, the less I understand."

"Born free!! Now I'm expensive."

"I'm free of all prejudice, I hate everyone equally."

"I think, therefore I'm single."

"Abandon the search for truth, settle for a good fantasy."

"Please Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me."

"It's not an attitude, it's the way I am!"

"Will smile for food."

"Dad's the boss, mom said so."

"All men are idiots, and I married their king."

"I'm just a baby - what's your excuse?"

"With this smile, I can get away with everything."

"I'm so cute, I should wear a warning."

Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that happen to a man." - Leon Trotsky

"Few people know how to be old." - François de la Rochefoucauld

"Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up." - John Wagner

"I guess I don’t mind so much being old, as I mind being fat and old." - Peter Gabriel

"Age mellows some people; others it makes rotten." - Anonymous

"The spiritual eyesight improves as the physical eyesight declines." - Plato

"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you’re abroad, there’s nothing you can do." - Golda Meir

"Old age takes away what we’ve inherited and gives us what we’ve earned." - Gerald Brenan

"Middle age ends and senescence begins, the day your descendant’s outnumber your friends." - Ogden Nash

"At middle age the soul should be opening up like a rose, not closing up like a cabbage." - Anonymous

"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age." - Anonymous

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age." - Lucille Ball

"Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that happen to a man." - Leon Trotsky

"The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been." - Madeleine L'Engle

"Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternative." - Maurice Chevalier

"I’m 59 and people call me middle aged. How many 118 year old men do you know?" -Barry Cryer

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two..." - Sir Norman Wisdom

"Middle Age is when your age starts to show around your middle." - Bob Hope

"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore

"When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile." - George Burns

"You know you're getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza

"As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't." - Carrie Fisher

"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen

"People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body." - Geoffrey Parfitt