AWESOME QUOTES FROM PERCY JACKSON & FRIENDS...

With great power, comes the great need to take a nap." -Nico Di Angelo, THE LAST OLYMPIAN

"God alert! It's the wine dude!" -Blackjack (Percy's pegasus), THE TITANS CURSE

"Let us find the dam snack bar." Zoe said

"The dam snack bar?"

"Yes. What is funny?"

"Nothing." Grover said, trying to keep a straight face. "I could use some dam french fires."

"And I need to use the dam restroom."

"I do not understand"

"I want to use the dam water fountain."

"And. . .I want to buy a dam T-shirt." -Thalia, Zoe, Grover, Percy, THE TITANS CURSE

"Go chase a doughnut." -Percy, THE SEA OF MONSTERS

Deadlines just aren't real to me unless I'm staring one in the face. -Percy, THE LIGHTNING THEIF

I'll have a cheeseburger and-AHHH! My friend's on fire! Get me a bucket! -Jason, THE LOST HERO

Even before he got electrocuted, Jason was having a rotten day. -THE LOST HERO

"See, that's what happens to snow in Texas, lady. It-freaking-melts."--Leo, THE LOST HERO

You know how teachers always tell you the magic word is please? That's not true. The magic word is puke. It will get you out of class faster than anything else. -Percy, THE DEMIGOD FILES

"Well. . .See you."

"Hold up! you can't just run off."

"Sure I can." -Clarisse and Percy, THE DEMIGOD FILES

That's one good thing about sea serpents: They're big babies when it comes to getting hurt. -Percy, THE DEMIGOD FILES

It's great when you're a celebrity to squids. -Percy, THE DEMIGOD FILES

"It's all right. We just had a family spat."

"Family spat? You turned me into a dandelion!" -Persephone and Nico, THE DEMIGOD FILES

Now Thalia and Nico would have to haul my useless butt through the rest of the mission. -Percy, THE DEMIGOD FILES
_"

''Maybe if we push her over." - Annabeth, The Battle of the Labyrinth

"Your a half-blood too?'
"Shh! Just announce it to the world how about?"
"Okay. Hey, everybody! These to arent human! They're half Greek god!" - Rachel and Annabeth, The Battle of the Labyrinth

"Look, I'm really sorry about the band room. I hope they didn't kick you out or anything."
"Nah. They asked me alot of questions about you. I played dumb."
"Was it hard?"- Percy, Annabeth, Rachel, The Battle of the Labyrinth

"No, no. Rainbows. Very macho." - Leo , The Lost Hero

"Rainbows, ponies."
"I'm gonna toss you off this chariot."- Leo and Butch, The Lost Hero

"Annabeth! I said you could borrow the chariot, not destroy it." - Will, The Lost Hero

"Vulcan? I dont even LIKE Star Trek." Leo, The Lost Hero

"Aphrodite took my snowboarding jacket. Mugged by my own mom." - Piper, The Lost Hero

Ever had a flying burrito hit you? Well, it's a deadly projectile, right up there with cannonballs and grenades.”

Love conquers all," Aphrodite promised. "Look at Helen and Paris. Did they let anything come between them?"

"Didn't they start the Trojan War and get thousands of people killed?"

"Pfft. That's not the point. Follow your heart.”

In a way, it's nice to know that there are Greek gods out there, because you have somebody to blame when things go wrong. For instance, when you're walking away from a bus that's just been attacked by monster hags and blown up by lightning, and it's raining on top of everything else, most people might think that's just really bad luck; when you're a half-blood, you understand that some devine force is really trying to mess up your day.

Dreams like a podcast,

Downloading truth in my ears.

They tell me cool stuff."

"Apollo?" I guess, because I figured nobody else could make a haiku that bad.

He put his finger to his lips. "I'm incognito. Call me Fred."

"A god named Fred?”

The real story of the Fleece: there were these two children of Zeus, Cadmus and Europa, okay? They were about to get offered up as human sacrifices, when they prayed to Zeus to save them. So Zeus sent this magical flying ram with golden wool, which picked them up in Greece and carried them all the way to Colchis in Asia Minor. Well, actually it carried Cadmus. Europa fell off and died along the way, but that's not important."

"It was probably important to her.”

You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where you get killed.

“It seemed weird calling a teenager 'sir' but I'd learned to be careful with immortals. They tended to get offended easily. Then, they blew stuff up.”

“What if it lines up like it did in the Trojan War ... Athena versus Poseidon?"

"I don't know. But I just know that I'll be fighting next to you."

"Why?"

"Because you're my friend, Seaweed Brain. Any more stupid questions?”

“People are more difficult to work with than machines. And when you break a person, he can't be fixed.”

“Wow," Thalia muttered. "Apollo is hot."

"He's the sun god," I said.

"That's not what I meant.”

“Jumping out a window five hundred feet above ground is not usually my idea of fun. Especially when I'm wearing bronze wings and flapping my arms like a duck.”

“I nodded, looking at Rachel with respect. "You hit the Lord of the Titans in the eye with a blue plastic hairbrush.”

“Rachel: You're a half-blood, too?

Annabeth: Shhh! Just announce it to the world, how about?

Rachel: Okay. Hey, everybody! These two aren't human! They're half Greek god!...They don't seem to care.”

“She glared at me like she was about to punch me, but then she did something that surprised me even more. She kissed me.

"Be careful seaweed brain." She said putting on her invisible cap and disappearing.

I probably would have sat there all day, trying to remember my name, but then the sea demons came.”

“She'd also called me brave...unless she was talking to the catfish.”

“God alert!" Blackjack yelled. "It's the wine dude!

Mr. D sighed in exasperation. "The next person, or horse, who calls me the 'wine dude' will end up in a bottle of Merlot!”

“The cafe windows wrapped all the way around the observation floor, which gave us a beautiful panoramic view of the skeleton army that had come to kill us.”

“It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.”

“[My mom's] funny that way, celebrating special occasions with blue food. I think it's her way of saying anything is possible. Percy can pass seventh grade. Waffles can be blue. Little miracles like that.”

“Can you surf really well, then?"

I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh.

"Jeez, Nico," I said. "I've never really tried."

He went on asking questions. Did I fight a lot with Thalia, since she was a daughter of Zeus? (I didn't answer that one.) If Annabeth's mother was Athena, the goddess of wisdom, then why didn't Annabeth know better than to fall off a cliff? (I tried not to strangle Nico for asking that one.) Was Annabeth my girlfriend? (At this point, I was ready to stick the kid in a meat-flavored sack and throw him to the wolves.)”

“Poison!" Grover yelped. "Don't let those things touch you or..."

"Or we'll die?" I guessed.

"Well...after you shrivel slowly to dust, yes."

"Let's avoid the swords," I decided.”

“I don't recommend shadow travel if you're scared of:

a) The dark

b) Cold shivers up your spine

c) Strange noises

d) Going so fast you feel like your face is peeling off

In other words, I thought it was awesome.”

“It's him," I said. "Typhon."

I was seriously hoping Chiron would say something good, like 'No, that's our huge friend Leroy! He's going to help us!”

“Jason scratched his head. "You named him Festus? You know that in Latin, ‘festus’ means ‘happy’? You want us to ride off to save the world on Happy the Dragon?”

“She glanced at the minotaur horn in my hands, then back at me. I imagined she was going to say, You killed a minotaur! or Wow, you're so awesome! or something like that.

Instead she said, "You drool when you sleep.”

I told Tantalus to go chase a doughnut. ”

“I love New York. You can pop out of the Underworld in Central Park, hail a taxi, head down Fifth Avenue with a giant hellhound loping behind you, and nobody even looks at you funny.”

No! Even if you are half barnyard animal, you're my best friend and I don't want you to die!

“Before I could figure out how to apologize for being such an idiot, she tackled me with a hug, then pulled away just as quickly. "I'm glad you're not a guinea pig."

"Me, too." I hoped my face wasn't as red as it felt.”

“My brother broke into a toothy grin. "Yay! Your brain works!”

“The throne rumbled. A wave of gale-force anger slammed into me.

WHO DARES-

The voice stopped abruptly, The anger retreated, which was a good thing, because just those two words had almost blasted my mind to shreds.

Percy. My fathers voice was still angry but more controlled. What-exactly-are you doing on my throne?

"I'm sorry, Father," I said. "I needed to get your attention."

This was a very dangerous thing to do. Even for you. If I hadn't looked before I blasted, you would now be a puddle of seawater.”

“Percy (to Annabeth): If I was going to pick one person in the world to reattach my head, I'd pick you.

Silena: Awww . . . Percy, that is so sweet!

“Um...is that thing tame?" Frank said.

The horse whinnied angrily.

"I don't think so," Percy guessed. "He just said, 'I will trample you to death, silly Chinese Canadian baby man'.”

“I'm calm," Rachel insisted. "Every time I'm around you, some monsters attack us. What's to be nervous about?"

"Look," I said. "I'm sorry about the band room. I hope they didn't kick you our or anything."

"Nah. They asked me a lot of questions about you. I played dumb."

"Was it hard?" Annabeth asked.”

“My mother made a squeaking sound that might of been either "yes" or "help".

Poseidon took it as a yes and came in.

Paul was looking back and forth between us, trying to read our expressions.

Finally he stepped forward.

"Hi, I'm Paul Blofis."

Poseidon raised an eyebrow and then shook his hand.

"Blowfish, did you say?"

"Ah, no. Blofis, actually."

"Oh, I see," Poseidon said. "A shame. I quite like blowfish. I am Poseidon."

"Poseidon? That's an interesting name."

"Yes, I like it. I've gone by other names, but I do prefer Poseidon."

"Like the god of the sea."

"Very much like that, yes"

"Well!" My mother interrupted. "Um, were so glad you could drop by. Paul, this is Percy's father."

"Ah." Paul nodded, though he didn't look real pleased. "I see."

Poseidon smiled at me. "There you are, my boy. And Tyson, hello, son!"

"Daddy!" Tyson [shouted]...

Paul's jaw dropped. He stared at my mother. "Tyson is..."

"Not mine," she promised. "It's a long story.”

“Can we just call them storm spirits?” Leo asked. “Venti makes them sound like evil espresso drinks.”

“Leo: Rainbows. Very macho.

Annabeth: Butch is our best equestrian, he gets along great with the pegasi.

Leo: Rainbows, ponies...

Butch: I'm gonna toss you off this chariot.”

Things I am not to do at Hogwarts

1) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball

2) I am not allowed to sing, "We're Off to See the Wizard" while skipping off to the Headmaster's office

3) I am not allowed to take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter

4) I am not allowed to ask Dumbledore to show you the pointy hat trick

5) I am not allowed to give Remus Lupin a flea collar

6) I am not allowed to bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divination

7) I am not allowed to say that Seamus Finnegan is "after my lucky charms"

8) I am not allowed to start a betting pool on this years Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. It's taste-less, tacky, and not a good money-making strategy.

9) I am not allowed to joke about Remus' "time of the month"

10) I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand

11) I am not allowed to give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they're real animals

12) I am not to refer to the Accio charm as "The Force"

14) I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot

15) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that I am not allowed to use it

16) I will not lock the Slytherin's and Gryffindor's in a room together and bet on which House will come out alive

17) I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast

18) I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day"

19) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways

20) It is not necessary to yell, "BURN!" Whenever Snape takes points away from Gryffindor

21) I will not say the phrase, "Get a Life" to Voldemort

22) First years are not to be fed to Fluffy

23) I will never ask Harry if his Voldie senses are tingling

26) It is not necessary to yell, "BAM" every time I Apparate

27) I will not steal Gryffindor sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways

28) I will not poke Hufflepuff's with spoons, nor shall I insist that their color's indicate that they're "covered in bee's"

29) "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge

32) If a class-mate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that and draw a Dark Mark on their arm

33) House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers

34) I will not start every potion's class by asking Snape if the potion is acceptable as Body Lotion

35) I will not call the Weasly twins, "bookends"

36) I will not call the Patil twins, "bookends"

37) I will not call the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak

45) I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween

46) It is a bad idea to tell Snape he takes himself to seriously

47) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knight's Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions

48) I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet

49) "To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not a career choice

50) I will not attack my fellow classmates

51) I will not make an impossible riddle for people to give an answer to enter the Ravenclaw area

52) I will not hit anybody with a wand, even if I don't do a spell.

53) I will not yell Shazam when I am trying to transfigure something.

54) I will not tell Moaning Myrtle that Olive Hornby is at Hogwarts for a month

55) I will not raid the kitchen before Quittich games for rotten tomatoes to throw at the players.

56) I will not place a circus mirror by the Fat Lady to make her look thin

57) I will not launch spoonfuls of porridge at the owls every morning.

58) I will not ride the therstals and feed them Mrs. Norris

59) I will not launch fireworks off the Astronomy Tower

60) I will not spray the plants with weed killer at Herbology when they bite me.

61) I will not eat any pets, including owls, toads,cats and rats, even if they taste good.

62) I will not fill a water gun up with random potions and squirt them at people

63) I will not make make-up with bubotuber pus to sell to the girls at school so they will get pimples

64) I will not say that Draco looks gay with his blond hair.

65) I will not give stilts to Professor Flitwick on Christmas.

66) Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda

67) I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him their real animals

68) I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches

69) When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout "To the Batmoblie, Robin!"

70) Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is simply coincidental

71) I will not refer to the Weasley Twins as "bookends"

72) I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.

73) I will not hold my wand in the air before I casting spells shouting "I got the power!"

74) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs.

75) I will not slip Malfoy a Love Potion in his morning goblet of Pumpkin Juice.

76) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.

77) I will not call Dumbledore "Santa Claus!" during the Christmas Holidays. SANTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

78) I will not put Muggle fairy book in the History section at the library.

79) I will not send Snape a bottle of shampoo for Christmas.

80) I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause.

81) I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.

82) I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snape's private chambers to watch him sing I Will Survive in the mirror, as it is disturbing.

83) I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwicks wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it.

84)I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.

85) I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.

86) I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.

87) The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.

89.) I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The Chamber of Secrets".

90) When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts.

91) Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either.

92) A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.

93) Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy. “

94) I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.

95) I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.

96.) Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort," is not funny.

97) Insisting that the school acquire computers and network the buildings is a pointless request as they claim that a quill and parchment is sufficient.

98) Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

99) I may not have a private army.

100) I must not substitute chocolate-flavored laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate.

101) Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.

102) I am not the wicked witch of the West.

103)-I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.

104)I will not melt if water is poured over me.

105)-Neither will Professor Umbridge.

106) I shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors.

107) I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.

108) I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.

109) I will not test my Potions assignments by spiking Snape's drink with them.

110) - Especially not all of them at once.

111) I will not try to hock off my old piercings as "priceless Muggle artifacts."

112) I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos."

113) Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'.

114) I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.

115) When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.

116) Thestrals do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'.

117) The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smarts and the Junior Death Eaters.

118) Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not be improved by the introduction of Muggle firearms.

119) Though they are doubtless more athletic, battle-axes are not acceptable either.

120) I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.

121) I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.

123) I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.

124) I am not allowed to ask Professor Dumbledore if the size of his beard is 'compensating for something'.

125) I will not create a betting pool that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father.

126) Headmaster Dumbledore is of no relation to Willy Wonka.

127) Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles.

128) Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of "Batman and Robin".

129) I will not play the Imperial March theme for Professor Snape.

130) However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.

131) If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a nom-de-plume.

132) I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he looks good in tap shoes.

133) I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle collectively as "Team Rocket" either.

134) I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.

135) I am not a 'ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter' and should stop shouting this at meal times.

136) It’s not tasteful to approach Cho wearing a shirt that says "All The Good Looking Ones Die Young" with a picture of Cedric Diggory on it.

137) I will not yell "Hey look! It’s Lord Voldemort!" at Hogsmeade

138) I will not tease Voldemort about the time he needed his pink flowery teddy bear to comfort him when he had that bad, bad nightmare about Harry

139) I will not charm a poster of Britney Spears on Draco's wall

140) I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.”

141) I will not call Professor McGonagall “McGoogles”.

142) I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rocks series during Arithmancy exams.

143) There is no such thing as the chamber of Double Secret Probation.

144) My name is not “the Dark Lord Happy-Pants” I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.

145) Bringing fortune cookies to divination class does not count for extra credit.

146) I will not douse Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible while wearing it and standing by the fire in the common room.

147) I will not tell first years they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.

148) I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.

149) I will not give Gryffindors pixie sticks.

150) I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbot, and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles.

151) A time turner is not a flux capacitator I should therefore not try to install it in a Muggle car.

152) I shall not refer to DADA professors as canaries in a coal mine.

153) When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June good vs. evil fight I will not lift my wand skyward and shout “There can only be ONE”.

154) A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or playing drums no matter how bored I become.

155) It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the results would be.

156) 42 is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.S.

157) I am allowed to have a cat, rat, toad, or an owl. I am not allowed to have reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

158) No matter how good an Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

159) I will not refer to the Defense against the Dark arts professor as Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.

160) Dumbledore is not Gandalf, and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.

161) Do not confuse Aragorn, Eragon and Aragog. Ever.

162) I may not introduce Nagini to Indiana Jones.

163) Challenging Ron to a slug-eating contest is just mean.

164) Under no circumstances am I allowed to refer to Voldemort as "Baldy".

165) Even if he is.

166) I am not allowed to tell the first years to have a staring contest with the Basilisk.

167) I am prohibited from sprinkling glitter on Draco Malfoy, dying his hair, and call him Edward.

168) I am not allowed sell Mrs. O'Leary to Hagrid.

169) I will not give Professor Lupin a collar as a Christmas or birthday present.

170) Saying "I think I 'taw a puddytat!" every time I see Professor McGonagall is most certainly NOT allowed.

171) Offering Voldemort a colonial-era powdered wig (complete with ponytail) will not amuse him and I am not allowed to do so, even if he needs a new hair do.

172) I am not allowed to paint the school neon pink as the only person it will amuse is Professor Umbridge.

173) I must not introduce Voldemort to a psychiatrist as it is likely to result in him having a temper tantrum.

174) I am not allowed to introduce the Cullens to Professor Lupin.

175) I am not allowed to tease Professor Lupin about his 'time of the month'.

176) I shall not play match-maker for Voldemort on Valentine's Day because it will only make him cry when no one will go out with him because of his lack of hair.

177) I am not allowed to be a match-maker for Shelob and Aragog either.

178) I will not arrange a battle to the death between nine Hungarian Horntails and the Nazgul.

179) I will not scream, "HIS NAME IS EDWARD!" any time I hear the words Cedric Diggory.

180) I will not ask the centaurs if they know where Chiron is because I have found a demigod.

181) I will not shout at dinner times that Darth Sideous is Voldemort's uncle, even if they do look alike.

182) I shall not try to persuade everyone that Percy Weasley's true name is Percy Jackson and he slays monsters with a pen for a living.

183) I will not sing 'I'm a Survivour' after the Battle of Hogwarts.

184) No matter how fun it looks, I will not stand on a table and do the Macarena at the Yule Ball.

185) Professor Lupin is not the magical equivlant of Wolverine and I am not allowed to address him as such.

186) Even if I'm bored, I am not allowed to ask Snape what is the mysterious ticking noise.

187) I will not dye Harry's hair pink or give him brown contacts, just because I am sick of black-haired, green-eyed heroes.

188) Whether they owe me money or not, I am not allowed to sneak into Fred and George's dorm at the dead of night to die their hair blond, spike it unreasonably high, then call them John and Edward in the morning.

189) I will not send Voldemort white robes for Christmas and claim he changed his name to, "Voldy the White."

190) And when he wears them, I am not allowed to run around Hogsmeade screaming, "AHHH! It's an albino dementor!"

191) It is not tasteful to send Professor McGonagall a scratching post for Christmas.

192) Bringing a magic eight ball to Divination class will only get Professor Trelawney annoyed at your, "Lack of Inner Eye."

193) To which I am not allowed to reply.

194) I will not refer to the Accio charm as 'The Force'.

195) Nor am I allowed to have lightsaber fights with my wand and make whoosing noises.

196) "Because they both need to wash their hair," is not proof Professor Snape and Aragorn are related.

197) There is also no proof that Gimli and Flitwick are related and I am stop asking Flitwick if he's been swimming with any hairy women lately.

198) Singing 'Hungry Like The Wolf' in Professor Lupin's class is not a way to get extra credit.

199) I am not allowed to write on the wall in the Gryffindor Common Room, "I know where you live" or "I stole all your underwear!"

200) I am not allowed to replace the Bludgers with peas, tomatoes, plums or anything that is not a Bludger.

201) Portable swamps are not funny.

202) And I will not set off the above in Snape's sleeping quarters.

203) Or in the Slytherin's bathrooms.

204) In fact, I am not allowed to even buy portable swamps.

205) Harry Potter is not a Son of Poseidon and saying this everytime I see him will only result in him filing a restraining order against me.

206) My patronus is not a Nazgul.

207) Neither is my animagus form.

208) "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

209) It still is not appropiate, even if I have subsituted the flying monkeys with gummy bears.

210) I will not levitate everywhere in a big pink bubble.

211) My professors have neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Sugar Quills.

212) No part of the school uniform is edible.

213) Nor am I allowed to make any part of the school uniform edible.

214) I will not try to take house points from the first years for "being too goddarned short".

215) Especially as I am in no position of authority and Dumbledore would have to be heavily drugged before he would ever make me a prefect.

216) I am not allowed to wear singing holiday-themed ties and claim that they are officially part of my uniform. Especially not during June.

217) Luna Lovegood does not have pointed ears, nor is she to be addressed as 'Galadriel'.

218) Lucius Malfoy also does not have pointed ears, nor is he to be addressed as 'Haldir'.

219) I am not the reincarnation of Merlin.

220)I am not allowed to Accio the clothing of any person while they are wearing it.

221) I am to attend astronomy class and should stop yelling that aliens will abduct me if I do.

223) Hogwarts does not require a karaoke machine.

224) No matter how much I would enjoy watching Harry sing, "Saturday Night."

225) "Defying my will" is not a crime worthy of life in Azkaban, and I should not tell that to the first-years.

226) I will not speak to Professor Snape with a Transylvanian accent.

227) Nor am I to ask if he is Carlisle Cullen's evil, unfortunate-looking twin.

228) I will not start a rumor saying that Professor Snape sings "I'm too sexy for my robes" while showering. Or for that matter doing any other activity.

229) Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other Klingon house is forbidden.

230) Voldemort does not wish to appear as the 'before' for a line of cosmetics. And no, he does not care how much money I make from it.

231) The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror".

232) Transfiguring Draco Malfoy's uniform into a gold thong is also inappropriate.

233) I will not attempt to determine whether Malfoy is a natural blond.

234) I will not sprend rumors that Legolas Greenleaf is his second cousin either.

235) Luna Lovegood is NOT always on "physicidelic mushrooms" and I should stop implying that she is.

236) The same goes for Professor Trelawney.

237) I will not get a tattoo of a smiley face on my arm and claim that it is the new Dark Mark.

238) When signing to all of these rules, I am not allowed to write in red ink and say that the Cullens lent me some grizzly bear blood.

239) I will not set my robes on fire to get out of potions.

240) I should not be a sports' commentator for Ron and Hermione's arguments.

241) Hogwarts does not need a "This many days since Harry has almost died," sign.

242)I will not push Cedric into the sunlight and yell "Sparkle d*it!Sparkle NOW!"

7 REASONS NOT TO MESS WITH KIDS

Reason 1 A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.” The teacher asked, ” What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

Reason 2 A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

Reason 3 A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

Reason 4 One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

Reason 5 The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out,”And there’s the teacher, she’s dead. ”

Reason 6 A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

Reason 7 The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want - God is watching the apples.