This is NOT mine, all credit goes to Dressed in Black.

Last edited by Dressed in Black; 12-22-2007 at 10:31 PM.

Potter Law | December 22, 2007

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The members of DLP’s IRC (Internet Relay Chat) and I created Potter Law on June 16th, 2006, in an attempt to pass yet another boring day of summer . Those were far more innocent times for DLP.net, when Rain wasn’t being molested by Snowflake and I was being ritualistically banned by Midknight. It was still the first month of my membership (you probably wouldn’t be able to tell) and that particular day I caught a Man Law commercial, one in a series of advertisements ran by the Miller Beer Company at the time.

If you’re unaware of what a Man Law commercial is (i.e. you’re not American), there’s this link that has several of them. I’m going to assume Xiph0 was the last person to switch from 56k to Broadband and that no one in the world uses 56k anymore and that you will be able to view that video with little trouble. If you’re lazy however, in short, Man Law had ‘manly men’ sitting around a square table, shooting the breeze and determining whether or not something is manly (or permissible) for men to do or use.

Being relatively stupid, I started the Potter Law gag that went on in IRC for the next few hours. What Potter Law boiled down to was a skewed system of rules that only members of DLP would probably ever adhere to. Little has changed. Potter Law has of course involved Harry Potter and almost from the onset, it has highlighted and poked fun of the clichés that have taken hold of the Independent!Harry stories that cropped up after Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

The gag caught on in IRC and Lord Ravenclaw suggested I take it to the forums. I posted the original ten and from there it grew with the assistance of the forum, first to twenty, then to thirty-five and finally to forty-five before I largely ignored it. Still, people posted suggestions for Potter Laws (a lot of it repetition of what was already written). Some debates have been had and some suggestions were just plain retarded; however, seeing enough material to expand, I decided to do so and so below you will find the newest and latest version of Potter Law.

The laws are maintained by me but credit fully lies with the members of this forum (DLP.net) for their creation; a lot of these laws wouldn’t be half as humorous or amusing without the structure some of them follow and for that, I can take no credit. The original thread can be found here, if you wish to see the discussions that took place or if you wish to hunt for the creator of a particular law.

One final thing: don’t get in a huff over a particular law or this entire creation. The purpose of Potter Law is, first and foremost, amusement. You’ll likely agree on a lot of them, as you’ve likely had to endure the countless stories that repeat some of these banal clichés we take shots at and chances are, if you found this site and aren’t a troll, you agree with many of the things members of DLP.net hold to be true. You however may find that your favorite character is made fun of, or perhaps you broke one of these laws and found it to be unfair.

Chances are, if you’ve written any fanfiction at all, you’ve broken one of these laws. You’re apart of a fandom that’s devoted to a book that has recycled hundreds of clichés. In short, there is very little that’s original and some things are necessary for the plot to move on. Put that aside however – these are here for amusement. As one of our members has pointed out in the last thread: this series belongs to Rowling. To this person, I say the following:

There are gaping plot holes, the characters have little depth and yes, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows suck ass to the majority of members here. They are still canon, yes - those characters are still canon and the story is still canon. This is DLP.net however, and while one must always remember to differentiate what is canon-based and what is fandom-based, Potter Law will not discriminate.

If we want to add laws that make light of canon, then we will. If we add laws that take shots at new 'canon laws' that Rowling has added, then we will, and we will make no apologies for it. These laws are written from DLP.net's point of view, unabashedly and if Rowling has a problem with it, she can come post or have her lawyers shut the site down.

As always, you can rebuke whatever is written and with enough discussion, the law will be amended or struck from the record. I encourage everyone to participate; Potter Law is a good way to vent frustrations concerning fanfiction without creating a new thread devoted to it and most of all, it can be fun. Only the best will be added to the master list however and if yours doesn’t get on, I’m not going to say sorry.

This is DLP, after all; suck it up, bitch.

The Potter Law Scribe
22-12-2007

I.

Harry Potter. That is all. If you don’t understand then you’re hopeless. Give up. Leave the fandom. And just incase you still don’t understand, Harry Potter is everything in this fandom. Treat him well (by mistreating him). Make him shine (by sticking him in the darkest, most woe-begotten situations you can fathom). Keep the Harry Potter, Harry Potter.Translation: Keep it Harry-centric.

II.

If Potters based their romantic interests on skin color alone, you’d hate them. It’s the same with hair color. The Potters don’t have a trend for marrying redheads unless you like being called a hack as an author.Far-Reaching Rule: You’re not excluded either, Rowling. Well, apparently you are.

Canon-Reversal No. 1: Both Ginny and Molly Weasley died in a foolish attempt to bring Bellatrix Lestrange down.

III.

Mary Sue Unoriginal had long sweeping hair and beautiful sapphire blue eyes which were also opulent pools that Harry could get lost in if he had a gym membership. And the reader’s mouse-button clicked on the big red ‘x’ button. You like imagery – we like some plausibility. Every characters must have flaws and a reasonable personality.

IV.

Fleur Delacour is the only canon-proven "babe" in the Harry Potter Universe; it should be noted, however, that her mom does that thing with her tongue.Amendment: Victoire Victoria Weasley will be the second, acceptable canon-proven babe in the Harry Potter universe.

Amendment-on-Amendment: Victoire has been renamed to Victoria to ease the suffering of everyone save Tinn Tam.

V.

If you think you have an excellent and original idea in fanfiction, step back and meditate.

VI.

Merlin, Godric Gryffindor, Rowena Ravenclaw, Salazar Slytherin, Helga Hufflepuff and Pharoah Ramses the Second are dead. It may seem difficult to find a way for Harry to have amazing powers. It may. But that’s because it is. Suck it up, tiger Tridentwatch. I’m sure there’s still those amazing books that vest ultimate power around… well at least until Potter Law VII.

VII.

Unless the story is a parody, a Dark Arts Book (or any book for that matter) shall not equate to sixty years of combat experience, nor fifty, or even one; it shall, however, serve as a warning sign to readers that the author's story probably utilizes Knockturn Alley as a source for said book, and should be discarded.

VIII.

The wand is a tool capable of bringing either chaos or order to any situation. A weapon of powerful magnitude, it is the signature of any witch or wizard – a symbol, if you will. See if you can’t have Ollivander (or the other Wandmaker you created for this special occasion) spend more than five minutes building it.

IX.

Harry Potter characters and settings should be inherently magical, with Muggle Technology and Weaponry playing a minimal role in a war comprised of prejudiced magic-users and fought in a technology-inhibiting setting. If you find Harry becoming Dirty Harry, you have failed (or you are Rorschach's Blot).Rorschach Clarification: He failed too.

December '07 Addendum: He is still failing.

X.

Let it be known that magic can do almost anything if the will is there, except get Harry Potter pregnant. That requires a mind more fucked up than Demon God of Chaos’s.Clarification on Homosexuals: Male and gay characters are allowed, so long as they are relegated to being secondary characters and are never Harry Potter; he has never showed signs of being homosexual - ditch that shit, suicide girls.

Cupdentarding the Clarification: Changing the hero to a girl to get around this ruling is stictly forbidden. The main character has a penis and it will only be permitted to enter the opening on a female's body. Aforementioned female must be one-hundred percent female and not a polyjuiced Draco Malfoy, curious as to how the opposite sex lives.

Fair and Balanced Ruling: There are no homosexuals in Harry Potter fanfiction.

Amendment: Apart from Dumbledore. Fuck you, Rowling.

XI.

Harry can't talk to fish, no matter how much you'd like him to. He is not an elemental, nor can he fly unless safely seated in an airplane, maneuvering his broom, or jumping from a cliff... and whether you like it or not, Harry is not an enchanter, a natural Occlumens, or even a mime. Basically put, Harry does not have superpowers, if he did Voldemort would be dead already.

XII.

Harry can't sing. Probably. I Wikipedia’d it again and didn’t find anything. But I’m going to go out on a limb here and say he can’t sing because he joins bands that didn’t exist in 1996 (Linkin Park, Good Charlotte, random Emo Band). So no singing. I’m looking at you XXXbloodyrists666XXX.

XIII.

Neither Sirius nor the Potters wrote a letter to Harry to arrive on his sixteenth birthday detailing their deaths, and relaying crucial information to current problems that would have required prophetic abilities on their part.Deathly Hallows Clarification: Lily Potter did however write a letter that would be stumbled upon by Harry that relayed crucial information to the problems he faced at the time. Only one of several hundred coincidences that will favor Harry Potter for the next five-hundred pages. Nothing to fret over.

XIV.

Under no circumstances will anyone care about Harry's trunk unless it is used to bludgeon Voldemort to death.

XV.

Usage of the character Dobby will be minimal. When he is used, his part will be limited to three paragraphs and must end in a gruesome but still NC-17 rated death.

XVI.

What goes through the veil stays through the veil.

XVII.

No one had (or will have) sex with Severus Snape.

XVIII.

Hedwig is an owl. She is not a Phoenix in disguise, nor will she be reincarnated as one. If Hedwig dies, Harry should do the sensible thing and buy another owl, as they are quite useful.Amendment: Looks like Harry should buy another owl.

XIX.

The time during which Hogwarts is not in session will not be used to make Harry Potter a world-class athlete, a brilliant magical scholar or a battle-mage of the "my touch brings death" variety; it is not plausible.DragonBall Zzzz: If the time spent in a training room is disproportionate to time in the rest of the world, please remember to change every "Harry" to "Goku".

XX.

Goblins will have nothing to do with wizards and witches save for the counting and management of their money. There are no wills filed at Gringotts.Murderous Goblins: Are permitted.

XXI.

Ron Weasley is not an army commander or battle tactician. He is a chess player with little to no other visible skills.

XXII.

The Dursleys are irredeemable. Dudley will not apologize; Vernon will not call Harry 'son'; Petunia will never worry about Harry's health or wellbeing. Violations of these inalienable facts are, of course, thinly veiled tricks to lull Harry into complacency.

XXIII.

If your main character has the same history as Harry Potter, but you have collectively changed his name, bloodline, abilities, friends, outlook, appearance, and have radically altered the socio-political setting of the Harry Potter universe as well as shifting the geographical focus across an ocean, you are not writing a Harry Potter story, no matter how many actual HP characters you have walk on and off the stage.

XXIV.

The wards protections surrounding Hogwarts are both ancient and powerful – the Darkest Dark Lord in a century (and whoever was better) couldn’t breech them. And Harry’s an equal. That means it’s impossible for Harry, even if he ran for five miles every day and read 1001 Ways to Break Hogwarts which was conveniently stashed in the first store he came across. I used a dictionary on this one, so trust me.

XXV.

There won’t be any mysterious American Exchange Students who have been taught the Dark Arts and sure as hell won't understand that it is really just a misunderstood branch of magic. They won’t be powerful enough to beat Voldemort’s Inner Circle without breaking a sweat nor will they force Harry into complacency, drooling over their Mary-Sueish asses all year. If for some reason – like being under the age of thirteen or mentally challenged – you do add Exchange Students, they won’t have your names, nor your friends’ names.Deathly Hallows Amendment: The following names will never be used in fanfiction that isn't devoted to parody: Hugo, Rose, Albus Severus or Scorpius.

XXVI.

If Harry Potter uses something other than magic to kill people, be it guns, swords, lightsabers, kitchenware or thermonuclear devices ‘borrowed’ from ex-Soviet facilities, they will be treated just as they are: instruments used by Harry to inflict death and destruction upon his enemies. If they become the focus of the story, you’re taking the Harry Potter out of Harry Potter and are instead putting in Tridentwatch.

XXVII.

Due to the increasing influence of Japanese anime on western society, many fanfiction writer's have displayed a tendency to incorporate Asian influences into their stories. However, in a realistic post-World War 2 society, it is the Japanese who incorporate Western influences into their society. Japan, also, does not hold the key to every long lost magical secret. Lord Voldemort did not hide a Horcrux in Japan and Harry will not find powerful magical artifact’s that hold the key to destroying the aforementioned Dark Lord.Prohibited Japanese Anime Inclusions:
- Sweat Drops
- Falling over when something embarrassing is said
- Honorary Japanese suffixes, such as -san, -chan,
- Japanese or Asian style clothing
- Cat-people
- Chopsticks
- Anything Else. That’s pretty all-encompassing, isn’t it?

XXVIII.

The cake is a lie.Interesting Note: There wasn't a twenty-eighth law in previous versions of Potter Law because BioPlague is retarded.

XXIX.

The Wizarding World of England has been around for at least a thousand years. Therefore, foreign nations, most which are much younger that England, are not superior to England and do not impact heavily onto modern Wizarding Society within England.

XXX.

Seven year olds (and all young children) have a very short attention span and as such will not be dedicated to studying the intricacies of magic day in day out. In this way, unless time traveling has been involved, an 11 year old entering Hogwarts cannot know more magic than Albus Dumbledore.

XXXI.

Fire always makes it better.

XXXII.

Harry Potter has never had a trademark 'lopsided grin'. He has made lopsided grins in the past, but that has never given an excuse for authors to give him a disfigured facial structure from the embouchoure muscle overgrowth on one side of his face, which would therefore make him unable to correctly pronounce various spells.Example: "Arvardar Kedarghrar!!!"

XXXIII.

No Harry Potter character shall under any circumstances use any of the following names when refering to the Dark Lord Voldemort: Voldie-Shorts, Moldie-Shorts, Tommy-boy, Voldie-Woldy, Moldy Woldy, Dark Thing(y), sans ad infinitum.Luna Lovegood Exemption: It’s OK for Luna to do it. Because she’s weird. Weird and hot.

XXXIV.

Lily Potter did not have Downs Syndrome - she was fully capable of seeing that Severus Snape is, in fact, an ugly man and therefore unshaggable. She was also at least 80% faithful to James Potter.

XXXV.

Let it be known that not every Auror answers to, or follows, Moody's concept of 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE!’Deathly Hallows Amendment: Judging by Deathly Hallows, it doesn't look like they're practicing 'Every-Once-In-A-While Vigilance', either.

XXXVI.

The Unforgivable Curses are only unforgivable if used against another human. It is not against the law to practice them on animals or Malfoys. I checked Wikipedia for that one. Although I must admit I edited the article prior to checking.

XXXVII.

Not one of Harry's former Muggle school mates can remember his face, name, or favorite place on the playground. This rule especially applies to gorgeous teenage girls who claim to have been intimidated by Dudley during grade school.

XXXVIII.

Harry's canon acts of accidental magic were normal for his age and magical ability. Changing hair color and length are simple enough charms to be considered "pranks" in the magical world, and apparating is simple enough that nearly every witch or wizard can do it by there eighteenth birthday. (This is comparable to obtaining a driver's license in the USA).

XXXIX.

It was stated in canon that there are very few registered Animagi this century, but we know of four unregistered animagi within the limited range of canon characters. If James, Sirius, and Peter can figure it out, then it doesn't take a Wizard Buddhist Priest (Jesus Christ was busy) from a Himalayan Monastary to teach Harry how to do it.Making it Plausible: It should also be noted that no book, potion, talisman, trick, nor shortcut exists which can speed this process up to a matter of weeks let alone days or hours. If it did, everyone would be an animagus. It's a cool trick after all.

XL.

Harry's life has been less than pleasant. One kiss, act of love or realization of love is not enough to change this. More importantly, one such thing is not enough to fuel intense emotions resulting in the before unheard of event of a golden patronus (I even used the font color gold for emphasis) capable of destroying dementors.

XLI.

Knockturn Alley is a branch off the main shopping district in Magical Britain that has a slightly dodgy reputation. It is not your One-Stop-Shop for illegal magical books, forbidden potions ingredients, spare wands of prodigious power or other bargain-basement magical items. It may, however, include whores, but if it does then they're cheap, ugly and probably have the magical equivalent of VD.

XLII.

Luna is a slightly unhinged girl. She is not a seeress, a prophetess, a visionary or anything similar. Even if she should somehow develop some magical ability, this is not the reason for her quirkiness; the ability to predict the future does not make raddishes and butterbeer caps appear designer chic.

XLIII.

Hermione does not love Ron, he's just the only male aside from Harry who ever talks to her. Luna does not love Ron, she just enjoys messing with his head. No one will ever love Ron; even his mother is only mildly concerned with his wellbeing, and she prefers Harry anyway (He always gets a cooler sweater).

XLIV.

An angry Harry should not be soothed after one absent-minded note from any of his acquaintances, friends, dead family members or enemies. If Harry is angry, he should stay angry until some form of retaliation or violence has occurred (Ginny-Beating is preferable). Want Canon-proof? Look at Dumbledore’s office. Heck, look at Dumbledore. That's Harry's fault isn't it? Well, it will be in those Angst stories anyway. And those are all that matters. Right?

XLV.

Hermione shall inherit no libraries from anybody, ever. Not because it’s cliché or dumb. It is cliché and dumb. I just like being mean. And maybe I wanted a library when my friend’s godfather died.

XLVI.

Crumple-Horned Snorkacks do exist.Clarification: Fuck you, Rowling.

XLVII.

Yule Balls will never be held in years prior to, or after, the year holding the Tri-Wizard Tournament. Write something that hasn't been done fifteen thousand times.

XLVIII.

Harry will never be raped by a male, under any circumstances; women more than fifteen years his senior are prohibited from raping Harry as well.Lulz Exemption: Smut stories designed to amuse DLP-IRC are excluded from this Potter Law.

XLIX.

Harry will not remember the name of the lowly bank employee who took him to his vault on his first visit unless he has über memory.Clarification: Harry Potter does not have über memory.

L.

Harems and their polygamous brethren are tools of the virgin fanboy.

LI.

Remus and Sirius will under no circumstances nickname Harry 'Prongs Jr.' or 'Pronglet' nor will they refer to him as 'cub' or 'pup' respectively. They didn't in canon, they shall not in fanon.

LII.

Harry Potter will only be crossed over with 300 by douche bags.

LIII.

Harry and his friends shall never, upon the unlikely circumstance that they all manage the Animagus transformation within seconds of each other, proceed to give each other borderline retarded monikers in an attempt to pay tribute to the Marauders.

LIV.

If you're going to make Harry Dark!Harry or Evil!Harry or Sadistic!Harry, give a reasonable explanation for making him choose "dark" over Dumbledore's corny excuse for "light".BJH Clarification: The entire fandom has heard the pseudo-philosophical reason that "Wingardium Leviosa can be used for evil purposes despite its inherently good nature" ad nauseum for a couple of years now. Ditch this fucking bullshit excuse.

LV.

Harry shall never find an immensely powerful object capable of destroying Voldemort and enslaving the world sitting in his family vault, along with several racks of magical weapons, which Harry will never be inexplicably drawn to; nor shall he gain instinctive knowledge pertaining to the use of said weapons.

LVI.

Voldemort's incompetence is well known everywhere except at MuggleNet.com. Despite this, the crux of this situation must be resolved by fanfiction authors. When constructing your plot, make certain Voldemort is not an inept moron incapable of inflicting any damage and whose only purpose is to highlight how great Harry is. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was Harry Potter systematically catching every break from front to back; remedy this.

LVII.

"Author's Notes" are to be placed where they belong: at the beginning and/or end of the chapter. Anyone caught placing author's notes elsewhere will face a firing squad.Firing Squad Clarification: We may send Tinn Tam instead.

LVIII.

While research of the subject you're discussing in a fanfiction is not mandatory and you can always wing it, don't be surprised if you get flamed by reviewers. Spend time researching what you're going to add into your story; little mistakes like forgetting 'pounds' are used instead of 'dollars' or that England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland are all constituent countries apart of the United Kingdom ruin the suspension of disbelief required to read any fictional story.The Mordecai Clarification: If it's just Mordecai nitpicking, you can ignore it and are in fact encouraged to continue whatever it is you are doing.

LIX.

The following line is never to be used: Harry sucked Cho's massive cock wildly, her cum streaming out of the sides of his mouth.

LX.

Harry will never under any circumstances attempt to commit suicide. Not only does the prophecy make this impossible but Harry isn't an attention-seeking emo. If he has crippling problems, he'll deal with them and cripple the problem-makers.