Who is this man named Shade who calls himself a Lord?

He is an odd one. A writer, apparently. Regularly shifting through the digital world, searching for the Muse to help guide his author's hand, which is always holding a quill, might I add.

A writer, you say? Where does he hail from?

I heard in a passing rumor he lives on the western coast of those United States, right on the southern shores of California. Residing in some town near the sea. Anaheim, if I'm not mistaken.

But what of him? What have you heard of this Lord Shade? What sort is he?

As I said earlier, an odd one. Those few who have spoken to him would tell you he is prone to long stretches of silence, often accompanied with some interestingly random piece of writing. A flake, some would say. A mad man, others. A genius, a few. "Odd" seems to be the only adjetive the general consensus can agree upon. Be wary of him, less you be absorbed into the tempest that is his mind.

An eccentric, if there ever was one.

Indeed. I couldn't have put it bette-AAAH! My Lord! I did not see you standing there!

Clearly...

If you don't mind my asking, how long have you been standing there, my Lord...sir...*cough*...

Long enough to know that rumors spread much too fast for my liking. Now begone, less I let loose my flesh-eating platypus on the both of you!

Uhh...did you say..."flesh-eating platypus", my Lord...?

HIGGINS! RELEASE FLUFFY!

Now for some wise words from some very wise men and women who are a little wiser than the already wise Lord Shade:

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. -

He dares to be a fool, and that is the first step in the direction of wisdom. -James Huneker

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. -Unknown

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement. -Jim Horning

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man...I could be eating a slow learner. -Lyndon B. Johnson

No matter how bad things get, you got to go on living, even if it kills you. -Sholom Aleichem

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyways. - Joey Adams

The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations. -David Friedman

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. -Unknown

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. -Unknown

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. -Unknown

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter. - Winston Churchill

At first people refuse to believe that a strange new thing can be done, and then they begin to hope it can be done, then they see it can be done-then it is done and the world wonders why it was not done centuries ago. -Frances Hodgson Burnett

Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other. -Unknown

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein

Laughter is the closest distance between two people. -Victor Borge

(After making a grammatical error) Hey, it's your language, I'm just trying to use it. -Victor Borge

One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace. -Victor Borge

Occasionally, a finger comes up to wipe a tear of laughter from the eye... and that's my reward... the rest goes to the government. -Victor Borge

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth. -Victor Borge

I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned. -Unknown

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

It's a delightful thing to think of perfection; but it's vastly more amusing to talk of errors and absurdities. -Fanny Burney

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. -Peal Williams

I have been drunk more than once and my passion borders on madness. I regret neither. -Unknown

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -Unknown

Borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect it back. -Unknown

Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the presence of fear yet the will to go on. -Martin Lawrence

Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap. -Unknown member of a chain gang

Bashers are living, breathing, nerve-grating proof that the practice of inbreeding is alive and well equipped with Internet access. -AkaVertigo

Thank you so much. If I had a ring, I would kiss it. -My sister after telling her I would do her a favor/ That's okay, you can kiss my ass instead. -Me

I asked myself "why?" once. But then I realized "why not?" was a much better question. More fun too. -Elliot Vega

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding. -Jack Kerouac

Even bad men love their mamas. -Russell Crowe, right before he killed the man that insulted his mother (3:10 to Yuma)

Dance like no one is watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like no one is listening, and live like it's Heaven on Earth. -William Purkey

There are three kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves. -Unknown

I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer. Then it hit me. -Unknown

The definition of politics - 'poli' in Latin means 'many' and 'tics' means 'bloodsucking creatures'- Unknown--(Given to me by 3Blue3Moon3

Whale Oil Beef Hooked. Say it out loud, fast with an Irish accent. - Given to my by 3Blue3Moon3

I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiset girls. I believe that tomorrows another day, and I believe in miracles. - Audrey Hepburn

Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same. - Ronald Reagan

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of. - Burt Bacharach

If I feel like a painting isn’t going well, I put a puppy in it. - Norman Rockwell

I like nonsense. It wakes up the brain cells. - Dr. Seuss

I swear to drunk I'm not God.

Holy crip, he's a crapple! -Peter Griffin

Smile; it makes people wonder what you're up to.

Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap... you decide.

Ignorance is having to squish the same spider 3 times before realizing that something is wrong.

If God is willing to prevent evil, but unable, He is not omnipotent. If he is unwilling, but able, he is malevolent. If he is able and willing, whence cometh the evil? If he is neither able nor willing, why call him God? Oh, wait, I forgot. He's TESTING us. Riiight.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

This student received the only A.

Feel free to post any of these quotes into your profile. And if you hear any good ones, write them in your reviews.

A little about Lord Shade:

My authors notes are less notes and more the ramblings of a madman. Don't expect too many updates because I'm a lazy sonuvabith without a computer.

I am aware that I have more quotes that author's note. What can I say? I like reading quotes. My favorite ones are by Victor Borge, who was a brilliant composer with the best sense of humor that the world has ever had the fortune of seeing. I recommend that you go on YouTube and look him up. Here's a couple of links. Hilarious. The third one's my favorite.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lF4qii8S3gw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YY6kElOYcd8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGESFaMl84U&feature=related

But I'm also needy and need reviews to stop me from being depressed. So go review. Now. Seriously, stop reading this and review. NOW!

Found this awesome website with some of the greatest flash videos I have ever seen. Awesome even if you don't speak Spanish.

I was hanging out with my friend and we were talking about fanfiction and he said that he likes it when writers put something funny on the disclaimers. This is what I said to him:

"I hate disclaimers that say a show or book or anime or whatever belong to a certain person or a company. I don't think anybody really owns a good story. A good story belongs to everybody because it effects everyone differently. No one person can own something as powerful and influental as a good story."

To all those who doubt the wisdom of Lord Shade.

You should also know that the only thing that I hate more than lame flamers is shipping wars. I find them annoying and completely pointless. Just because I ship something different than you does not mean that I am evil. Neither does it mean that I am disrespecting your ships. I treat all ships with respect, even if I don't agree with them and I expect you to do the same.

It's official. The Lord Shade is gonna be an Uncle!!

My sister just announced that shes six weeks pregnant! We were at a party at my little brother's birthday party when my mother asked her why she wasn't drinking like everybody else. She said it was because she's pregnant. You should have heard the commotion that came afterwards. I swear, you would have thought she just announce she discovered the cure to cancer! So in a few months, I will be holding my baby nephew or niece.

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I've talked to my sister, and even though they don't know what the sex of the baby is yet, they've already decided on possible names.

They've decided that if it's a boy, the name will probably by Dean Erin. Erin will be his middle name. She's always liked the name Dean, and Erin is the father's middle name.

And if it's a girl, then she'll be named Athena Marie. My sister wants to name her daughter after the Greek god of Wisdom and Truth. Some of the family don't really like the name Athena. I think Athena Marie is a very pretty name and look forward to meeting my niece/nephew in about 7-8 months.

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My sister's ultrasound came in, and guess what? It's going to be a boy! Can you believe it?!

Right now, my sister's about 4 and a half months pregnant, so she's about half way there. My mom and her have been spending all there time finding and buying stuff for the baby.

And they still have to organize a baby shower. I'm not looking forward to that. Why, you ask? Because who do you think is gonna have to do all the heavy lifting when their setting everything up for the shower. My little brother, because I'll be hiding trying to avoid doing any actual work.

I'll see what I can do about putting some pictures of the ultrasound on the site.

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Well, I’m in Hell.

Why, you ask? Because of my sister’s baby shower.

Seriously, to anyone who doesn’t already know, if somebody asks you to help them organize a baby shower, point in the opposite direction, and when they’re distracted, RUN LIKE HELL!!!

I’m not joking. It’s the deifinition of “pain in the ass”. Especially when your sister and mother ask for your opinion.

The following is especially important to all guys trapped in a similar predicament:

When they talk about decorating and what they should do, I just kinda just zone them out, nod my head, make agreeing noises and say things like “Sounds good” and “That’s nice”. I know you’re probably rolling your eyes right now, but seriously, it works. Heed my words, men. Ignoring them works.

I love my sister and I’m really excited about meeting my nephew, but if I have to go through this madness again, I’m gonna jump off a bridge.

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REJOICE, MY FRIENDS! FOR ON THIS MOST GLORIOUS OF DAYS, AT 11:01 PM, OF NOVEMER 7, 2010, WEIGHING 7 POUNDS AND 10 OUNCES, AND 22 INCHES LONG, MY SISTER, ZEDINIA, GAVE BIRTH TO A BEAUTIFUL BABY BOY NAMED DEAN!

He is the most adorable baby ever. And I'm not just saying that because I'm his Uncle. He truly is the bost beautiful thing thing that I have ever seen. I don't think that I had ever been happier than on that day.

Unfortanetly, that happiness was short lived.

He was having trouble breathing when he was born, and was immediately taken to the Infant Intensive Care Unit. We had to wait almost all night before we got any news from the doctor. It was one of the longest nights of my life. I can only imagine how it must have felt for my sister, being seperated from her son like that. We were all terrified. I had never been more scared. That night I prayed for the first time in almost 3 years. But eventually, the doctor came in and informed us that Dean has been regulated and that he's fine.

My family and I left the hospital and went home. We were there for maybe 8 hours before we came back the next morning. We stayed optimistic and tried to remain hopeful, meanwhile trying to keep my sister in good spirits. I think my mom was the most scared of us all, besides my sister. It felt like an eternity before the doctor said that it was okay to see Dean. My sister couldn't see him yet because she hadn't fully recovered yet and couldn't risk moving.

It broke my heart to see him attached to all those tubes and wires. But my God, he was beautiful. I swear, when we spoke to him, he knew we were there. And he was feisty. He kept ripping the oxygen hose off his face! It was hilarious. No matter how much the nurses tried, little Dean would just pull it off. Even when the put special tape on, he would rip it off! They had to use a stronger tape that wouldn't hurt him taking off. I was already expecting great things from the little guy.

Another 12 hours passed before we heard from the doctor that Dean was going to be fine. There was a minor cut in his lung that will heal naturally over time, and within a week, he'll be perfectly healthy. It's not all that uncommon. He doesn't need the hose to help him breathe and he's even starting to eat a little.

It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt close to tears. I wasn't able to see my sister and her baby the next day because I had to work. Knowing that Dean and my sister were going to be fine, I went to work the next day with a clear conscience. I was bugging my coworkers the entire day with pictures I took with my phone the entire day. Either they enjoyed hearing about little Dean or were to polite to tell me to shut up, I didn't really care. I was just happy that I would get to hold my nephew.

Every story I write is a monument to my nephew and his mother.

Favorite Animes/Cartoons:

FLCL-fast paced action, utter nonsense and chaos, giant robots, aliens, portals in peoples heads, and a game of baseball with a satellite. What's not to love? Give me an "Amen" in your reviews if you love this show.

Cowboy Bebop-Give me another "Amen" in your reviews if you think that Ed is the coolest computer hacker that ever existed and the show should be rewritten to be about her.

Inuyasha

Full Metal Alchemist/ Full Metal Alchemist:Brotherhood

Ghost in the Shell

Spirited Away-Give me one more "Amen" in your reviews if you think Hayao Miyazaki is a mad genius.

Avatar: The Last Airbender

Chowder-After watching 5 minutes of this show, I thought to myself Cartoons have really changed since my day...

Teen Titans

Clannad-What? There's nothing wrong with a guy enjoy a show like that. Stop laughing!

Favorite Television Shows:

Fringe

Heroes

Stargate Atlantis

Stargate SG-1

Warehouse 13

I support most pairing, with few exceptions(slash). Infact, I find the more ridiculous the pairing, the more entertaining the fic. These are just a few of my favorites:

P O K E M O N

I've always been a pokeshipper(AshxMisty). From episode one, I've wanted these two together. However, I'm a realist and think it's very unlikely that there will ever be an episode where they will 'get together' despite the number of petitions that demand that they do.

A V A T A R : T H E -L A S T- A I R B E N D E R

Major supporter of Taang(TophxAang) . To me, they just look perfect together. Toph is the definition of bad-ass and Aang needs someone like Toph to push him to his limit. I can't get enough of this ship. RiaKitsuneYoukai has some of the best Taang fanart EVER! Check it out. I also like it because I don't really get Kataang(KataraxAang). During the final episode, I thought to myself Isn't she like three years older than him? cough pedophile cough

I like Zutara(ZukoxKatara), but it's more of a secondary shipping to me, but I do like it more than Maiko(MaixZuko), mostly because I like the whole 'opposites attract' element that you see in some fictional couples. That,and I think the idea of Katara bringing home a firebender to meet daddy is absolutely hilarious.

Smellershot(SmellerbeexLongshot) is definitely one of my favorite ships out there. Tell me these two wouldn't make a great couple.

There's not enough HakodaxUrsa fics.

N A R U T O

When it comes to Naruto, my favorite ship is NaruHina(NarutoxHinata). Whenever I watch an anime, I always end up rooting for the quiet kid too shy and afraid to admit his/her feelings for the person that they like. There's one in almost every anime. Think about it.

While on the topic of Naruto ships, I just gotta ask: Whats up with the NarutoxSasuke fanfics? No disrespect to slash authors and readers and I'm not going to flame all slash fics, I'm just saying that I don't get it. Can't two guys just be buddies or enemies and NOT be gay? The same goes for Harry Potter and Lucious Malfoy, Sam and Dean Winchester, and Zuko and Sokka. Just sayin'...

I also like GaaHina(GaaraxHinata) because,like I said earlier, I like the 'opposites attract' elements in couples and these two so incredibly opposite, it's not even funny. It's hard to find a good GaaHina fic that isn't OOC, though. But I guess they have to be a little OOC for this couple to work. There are few things better in life than a good crack pairing. You can quote me on that.

MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS:

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. (I have proven this)

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of Jury duty.

Do YOU remember the 90s??

Just because you were born in '97 doesn't mean you're a 90's kid. It's not like you could remember the original Simpsons. I am sorry but three conscious years of the 90's just wont cut it. You're a 90's kid if you remember:

You remember watching -Doug -Ren & Stimpy -Pinky and the Brain -AAAAAAAH Real Monsters! -Rockos modern Life. -Animaniacs -Gargoyles
You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"
You just cant resist finishing this . . . "in west Philadelphia born and raised . . ."
You remember -Step by Step -Family Matters -Dinosaurs -Boy Meets World-Full house
You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
You remember reading "Goosebumps"
You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence . . . not
When everything was settled by -rock paper scissors or -bubble gum bubble gum in a dish or -ms. mary mack
When kick ball was a daily activity.
When we used to obey our parents
You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record your FAVORITE song of ALL time on a tape.
You remember when Super Nintendos and Sega Genisis became popular.
You remember The Original Game Boy.
You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos . . . but never taped anything funny.
You remember watching -The Magic School Bus -Wishbone -Reading Rainbow -mr.rodgers neighbor hood-and Ghostwriter on PBS
You remember when Yo-Yos were cool.
You remember those Where's Waldo books.
You remember eating Warheads and Splashers Gum.
You remember watching -the 1st Batman -Aladdin -Ninja Turtles -ghost busters
You remember Ring Pops.
you remember when every thing was "da BOMB!"
You remember boom boxes .vs. cd players.
Making those little paper fortune teller things, and then predicting your life with them.
You played and/or collected "Pogs"
You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet, or Nano and brought it everywhere.
One word. . . . . . . .trolls.
Windows 95 was the best.
You watched the original cartoons of -Rugrats -Wild Thornberry's -Power Rangers -Rocket Power.
All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.
You collected those Beanie Babies.
You remember Carebears
You know that Lambchop's song never ended.
Silver dollars, which were cool to have.
Everyone watched the WB.
If you even know what an original walkman is.
You know the Macarena by heart.
"Talk to the hand" . . . enough said
You went to McDonald's to play in the playplace.
You remember playing on merry go rounds at the playground.
Before the MySpace frenzy . . . Before the Internet & text messaging . . . Before Sidekicks & iPods . . . Before PlayStation3 or X-BOX 360 . . . Before Spongebob . . . Before Tupac was shot.
When light up sneakers were cool.
When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.
When gas was 0.95 a gallon.
When we recorded stuff on VCRs.
You had slap bracelets!
You Actually played outside until it was dark!
You had a furbie and grew sick of it because it wouldn't shut up!!
You remember the ORIGINAL cooooookie crisp commercial with with the little doggy and not that stupid wolf they have now...
Way back. Before we realized all this would eventually disappear...
Post this in your bulletin if you remember these days . . . .

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN WRITER IF...
You talk to yourself a lot.
You talk to yourself about talking to yourself.
When you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else.
After uttering a profound peice of wisdom like the above, you stare at the cookie in your hand with awe and say, "Wow, this stuff is great for sugar highs..."
You live off of sugar and caffine
People think you're insane.
You'll check your e-mail every day of the week one week, and then dissappear off the face of the earth the next.
You're e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random.
When replying to an e-mail, you'll never actually address the point of it.
No matter where you are in a room you never have to get up to find a pen/pencil and paper.
The letters on your keyboard are wearing off.
Your friends and family think that you have carpal tunnel syndrome.
People think you have A.D.D.
You think it'd be cool to have A.D.D.
You constantly start talking in third person, present or past tense.
You start thinking about making lists like this and start laughing for no apparent reason.
Your friends stopped looking at you funny for no apparent reason a loooooong time ago.
And FINALLY, the one way to tell if you're a good writer: You failed English 101.