Does anyone even read these things?

Favorite color: crimson

Sex: I'm a one eyed one horned flying purple people humper

Occupation: disabled veteran, US Army

Favorite animal: siberian tiger

I live at: 21 Ave nunya business, Antarctica

i am not a very good writer, that said i do love a good story and have read quite a lot in my time. occasionally i will try to write something, only to see it as an epic fail. i get it. my grammar sucks or my plot sucks, but that really isn't why i write, why i write is to express myself, to ventilate my pent up aggression and escape to another reality.

Random Facts About Me For Those of You Who Actually Care:

Preferred name: Anak'klumos, master of magic and time, full working title or I won't answer.

If you could have anything right now... A fridge filled with Redd's peach ale. Or strawberry, I'm not picky.

Favorite article of clothing: None, clothes are stifling

If you could change anything about your appearance… What are you talking about? I'm perfect.

Favorite alcoholic beverage: Jack and Coke or Redd's peach ale

Favorite number: Seven, it's lucky

Half empty or half full? Quit peeing in my glass, damn you!

Turkey or chicken ... BACON!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you could be doing anything right now… Writing. Playing assassin's Creed origins

Ever been in love? Yep. Now my reflection has a restraining order.

Siblings I am 7 of 9

One word to describe yourself Awesome (I'd like to say majestic, but that would be a lie)

Blondes or brunettes Pft redheads. They're crazier in bed

Favorite food? me mam's a bear

What does your Pen Name mean? Never named a pen, so I don't know.

Where did the Sorting Hat put you? Ravenclaw. Dunno why, I'm dumber than a brick.

If you had one super-power, what would it be? Clairvoyance, I'd get rich off of it, buy all clothing companies and make less stifling clothing

Which shoe goes on first? shoes? Bah. Clothes are stifling

Do you cook? I cook everyday. Doesn't mean anyone wants to eat it.

Current mood? No idea. Voices haven't decided on whether this is a multiple choice question or not

Things that grinds my gears

1. Bitter enemies going gay for each other

First and foremost: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH HOMOSEXUALITY!

That said I've found more guy/guy stories then not and it's honestly getting annoying.

Stories where two men who are either rivals or full on kill or be killed enemies forget everything because all of a sudden they're in love. This includes but is not limited to, Harry/Voldemort, Harry/Snape, Harry/Draco, Naruto/Sasuke, Naruto/Madara. These kind of pairings make absolutely no sense in my mind. If you want to include a same sex relationship, make it make sense! Something like kakashi/iruka, Seamus/dean, Sirius/Remus. These can become believable because there is no animosity between the pairings. Hell Sirius/Remus are childhood friends who've known each other for years! But Harry/moldyshorts? Come on, the man killed Harry's parents, mind fucks him at any given moment and is an all around douche. Plus the man is like, in his 60's. Grodey. And Snape? The man went to school with his dad and the man loathes James Potter for the prankster/bully he was, and guess who harry looks like, plus that's like robbing the cradle there, being as Snape is what? In his 40's? And Harry is what?11-17? Grodey. I have no problems with same sex pairings, but if your gonna make the protagonist gay, don't pick his enemy. Now on the same page but different note...

2. Male pregnancy.

This is by far the dumbest concept I've ever come acrossed. Male humans cannot physically carry children. They have no uterus. "But Halo, what about" no. Men cannot give birth. It is biologically impossible. Not to mention, the dick aint meant to birth. The meaty flesh tube can not physically stretch like that. It'd explode. Peel open like a banana. Grodey. Seriously, this has been a case of *shudders* experimentation. Unless you use some form of plot armor to genderswap the character. Then by all means. "Oh but polyjuice" lasts from 10 minutes to 12 hours, I doubt you could go full term in 12 hours. *Shudders and winces from imagined pain* Next! Oh sweet merciful lion headed tiger goddess, next

3. Using Japanese honorifics in an English story.

This is just annoying. I mean if your going to write a story in a language and use honorifics from another that your reader may not know, what's the point? "It's to pay homage to the original language" look do not get me wrong. Japanese, as a language, is simply beautiful. I've never seen any other language take five different concepts and turn it into one word. For example, the kusangi. The full name of the sword is kusanagi-no-tsurugi, or the grass cutting sword, or even better, ''zanpacto" or "soul-cutter sword". In what we would use four or five words in English, Japanese sums up in one or two. It's an amazing language, it really is. However, when you write a COMPLETELY English story, even going as far as to write out the English words for attacks, for example, "spiraling ball instead of rasengan" what in the blazes is the point of using the honorifics? This really isnt my biggest gripe, its just, I simply don't understand.

4. Breaking up your story and then shelving it.

Why? Why would you do this? You had a beautiful story full of potential and you decide "oh, I'm finishing a story arc, better do the next in a sequel" then you begin the sequel and boom, sequel shelved. This happens a lot in Naruto and in Harry Potter fanfiction. They finish the beginning part and begin Shippuden or book two and then after maybe 1-9 chapters, the author starts all over with a new story. This is just cruel to the readers. I've read hundreds of incredible stories that did this. Some authors gave their reasons why the story was abandoned, for example: chilords "bondage style" (great fic, if you want good humor. Seriously worth the read). At the very end chilord said the story was completed. I don't know why they didn't want to do Shippuden but I thought it was a hilarious story. It wasn't over run with humor as it had moments of sincerity and the like, but they just didn't want to do any more. This I can understand. Real life get in the way or you get tired of the trash flaming your mojo and you have to put a hold on it. I get it. We've all been there. But at least give us a reason why a story we fall in love with is layed to rest. This actually leads to my next gripe

5. Flamers.

I have read a LOT of fanfiction. I've honestly lost count of how many stories I've read. Many stories I've come across had several reviews essentially all saying "your story is bad, you should feel bad" or "this story was so bad it gave me cancer". Ive gotten a few PM's myself from the crappy stories I've posted, though honestly I could give a rat's arse as I, myself, know I'm a terrible writer. I digress. I have seen several incredible stories where the author finally snaps and just throws up the bare bones of the rest of the story in one chapter and abandons FF. What is wrong with you people? Do you get your jollies by taking joy from people? These authors go out of their way to post imaginative, mind blowing stories and all you can do is put them down. Instead of being ignorant, how about being constructive. Instead of insulting them, tell them the areas they can improve upon. An old saying falls in-line here, "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say nothing". An even older saying, "do to others what you, yourself, would like done for you." If you don't want people attacking you for your blood sweat and tears, don't do it to people.

6. authors telling you to listen to a certain song while reading

People have different tastes in music. Ever hear the old saying "one man's trash is another man's treasure"? Something you enjoy, others hate. Example: I love Rob zombie, Ozzy, Megadeth, acdc, guns and roses and blink 182. My dad likes classical gospel and country. To me country sounds like someone's kicking a dying dog, while my music to my dad sounds like nails on a chalkboard board. I like fit women with tight petit bodies, my brother likes them curvy and big breasted. What you as an author may love, somebody out there despises

7. Not fixing names in your story once it's revealed in Canon

This can apply to any, but it's mainly aimed at the Naruto genre. Yes it wasn't until Shippuden that they revealed his name, but they gave him more than a few reasons why he was chosen as hokage. In the kakashi flash back, minato was named, shown using hiraishen (flying thunder god.stupid name but hey), had a very kind and caring personality yet threw down with the best. However, many authors, long into Shippuden, stubbornly ignored all of that keeping 'arashi' as Naruto's da. This ignored information became vital to a point in later episodes, such as the pein saga where minato reseals kurama. Change the events all you want, add in a few original characters, but names of characters are important. Otherwise how will readers know who you're referring to?

8. harems

seriously, what the fuck? I've honestly have seen fics with 30 women wrapped around one dude. Why? Are almost all the authors hormonal teenage boys or something? Try getting married, then ask me if you want that in multiple. Sure the sex is great, the companionship is rarely lacking if you do it right, but I, as a somewhat sane (still up for debate) male, could not deal with the problems that arise from monthly hormone imbalances. And forget pregnancy. Thing you boys need to understand, women synchronize. That time of the month where the dreaded Aunt Flo comes to visit? They all begin to get the visit. Happened with my sisters, happened with my now ex wife's sisters, and my mother's sisters. You don't know misery until your aunt, your sisters and your wife all synch up. Forget that. People wonder why I took to taking week long camping trips. Women are monstrosities during that time of the month, and with five women all wanting to either cuddle or kill you, the great outdoors begins to look great. Harems are not, I repeat, NOT something to dream about, for many reasons besides this one. I'm a guy, I admire the female figure. Specially in them tight yoga pants. But seriously? Two women, ok, not a warzone in the making. 30? You know that meme with the preacher singing "hell no, to the no no no"? Yeah that's me right now.

9.Usinga language your not familiar with

I already touched a bit on some of my gripe with this, now for the rest. If you're not native to the tongue and decide to use it to write, it's not an excuse if it's horrible. I've read several fics where the author is like "my native tongue is "yadda yadda not yours". Look I get your trying to learn another language, and English is complex even for native speakers and I can't fault you for it, in fact I commend you for it. But if your going to write fanfiction where other people can read it, do it in your native tongue. It'll be easier on you and the native speakers won't look at you like your a blooming idiot. I'm learning German and swedish, I'm no where near being fluent, but I wouldn't go to Germany and bastardize the language so I can look smart. If you don't speak it, it's not really an excuse to not try to work on it. That said, there are some really good secondary English writers on this site, hence why this gripe is at the bottom of the list.

End of list. Yes, I'm an asshole.

Favorite quotes:

the only thing necessary for the triumph of Evil is that good men do nothing- Edmund Burke

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. - attributed to the Cistercian abbot Saint Bernard of Clairvaux

The path of peace can only be found because someone defends it - Dr. Phillip D. Burnett to his step son

Those who abjure violence can do so only because others are committing violence on their behalf - George Orwell

My favorite pairings

-naruto-

Naruto/Tayuya

Naruto/temari

Naruto/Karin

Naruto/tenten

Kakashi/iruka

Kakashi/anko

Iruka/Anko

Iruka/shizune

Itachi/fem!deidara

Itachi/Kurenai

Itachi/konan

Itachi/kisame (dunno why, but I've seen this once and it just worked.)

Zabuza/Mei

Haku/ino

Lee/tenten

Lee/Sakura (while I despise the pinky sceamy meany, bane of eardrums, Lee as a character is awesome and seriously under used. Take away the YOUTH nonsense and you have a loyal, seriously hard working, driven man who would sacrifice everything for the mission. Whether the mission is simply getting groceries, making his friend smile or fighting off an invasion, he would give the task 120% of his all. He is what I consider (without spandex, screaming youth, and the bowl cut) a perfect man and soldier, honestly I'm envious, and if he is happy with Sakura, let him be happy.)

-bleach-

Ichigo/Tier Harribel

Ichigo/rukia

Ichigo/tatsuki

Ishida/orohime

-Percy Jackson-

Percy/Zoë

Percy/artemis

Percy/thalia

(If crossed over)

Naruto/Artemis

Naruto/Thalia

Naruto/Zoë

-Harry Potter-

Harry/Luna (I absolutely adore Luna as a character, she's so much fun!)

Harry/Daphne

Harry/tonks

Harry/hermione

-Character I love to see bashed-

Sasuke Uchiha

Sakura Haruno

Kakashi hatake (minor)

Hiruzen sarutobi

The entire konohagakure council of flame

Draco Malfoy

Severus Snape

Albus bumbledork

Aphrodite

Ares

Zeus

Apollo

Hera (depends on personality in story)

Mr. D

Annabeth

My favorite characterization of my favorite characters

Prankster Harry.

He has so many pranksters around him, how could he not? It's in his blood people!

Prankster Naruto.

The Canonical Naruto was at the beginning a prankster then suddenly he's not. That's boring. In a village filled with shinobi, why would one who has the talent to PAINT THE MOUNTAIN SIDE MONUMENT IN BROAD DAYLIGHT WEARING A KILL ME ORANGE JUMPSUIT not be vaunted as a genius? That's probably why they couldn't predict his actions. They were too dumb to realise gold from all the turds they view as greats

Guardian Ichigo

Ok, maybe not much of a deviant from Canon, yeah?

God Percy/Perseus

Some of the best pjo stories I've read had ol pj either an immortal son of lupa or the seventh child of Kronos. These stories were just fun to read, (mainly cause most of them were pertimis and little orphan Anny doesn't get big roles.)

-Types of stories I love to read-

naruto-

1. Any that uses the complete cannon to write something new accurately.

Whether just using the right names down to the right events such as Naruto being the son or kushina and minato. If you change his parents, these two are still part of the expanded universe, especially since minato is a major influence to konohagakure. He shaped history and is this important, unless you actually do a "for want of a nail" story where minato never existed... Actually that might be an interesting read...

2. Pairings

I personally don't care of hinata. She's a stalker and had no qualms about it. Yes she's depicted as a sweet girl and shy, but how many of you would REALLY want someone stalking you, following you, falling in love with you without you really knowing them? When Hinata confessed during pein's attack, Naruto and Hinata barely had any time to really sit down and talk. That is not love, that's obsession, which could've turned out very bady. "Oh she was just too shy" well if you want something, you have to make an effort to grab it. The only narhina moment I remember after that was when nar spread kuramas chakra all over the united shinobi army. If your going to pair them, do better than kishi did. Give them a chance to have more time together. Kishi only gave them maybe three moments where nar actually talked to her. Take a step back, look at it logically and think before you flame me.

Bashing

Just to bash cause you can gets old quick. I love stories where the characters are fleshed out first before the bashing begins. Stories that bash duckbutt just because he's duckbutt or the pink screaming meanie cause she's a banshee? Boring. Flesh them out first, why is there adversity? Why do they act like that? Why do they deserve to be bashed? Give a reason. Such as "a six year old Naruto walked up to duckbutt prime and held out his hand to show there was no hard feelings for him losing the fight. Duckbutt prime scoffed, slapped the offered hand and turned his back. Anger showed in the blondes eye for a moment before a fox like evil grin appeared on his face. The next morning, Duckbutt prime stepped out of his house to find the duckbutt nest compound covered in pink slime and glitter. The entire compound. Sparkled. Duckbutt prime cried out in anguish." See? No it's not the best, I will freely admit. No it's an example, dp did something to earn the prank and got it, action=reaction, Newton's law. Make it good, make it worthy of the action, make it hilarious. These are the rules of a chaotic good prankster.

Completed stories

I hate waiting. I am fully and completely impatient. So I love to read only complete stories this why I get frustrated when I find that the story has been segmented and the later segment is abandoned. While at the same time, I love stories that complete the whole shebang in one package. Stories like "Fullmetal shinobi" for example. Kenchi is a seriously good writer if the two stories I've read from him are any example. I love being able to sit down and read a full storyline without breaks or hiccups.

Humor

Humor is a powerful tool, it can light up someone's darkest days, it can entertain the smartest of intellectuals or the dumbest of simpletons. I love stories that act on it, use it, and embrace it. Naruto is a perfect excuse too. He's a prankster. He is an imaginative prankster. Sexy technique. Yes the perverts bane is the example I'm going to use. Seriously the boy took a technique he sucked at, was smart enough to figure out how to alter it, was imaginative to come up with the idea, and dumb enough to use it. Sounds like a smart kid. Smart in practice, kid in the naivety of actually executing it. However, if you take the idea away from the humor, the concept of the idea is brilliant as it would allow a man to disguise himself as a woman. Yes it's basically the transformation technique, but I've seen several stories were nar figured out accidentally how to physically transform. How to shapeshift. He is also the only ninja i remember seeing change into an inanimate object be it throwing knives or stars. If he could teach the ability, you could prevent of of the kunoichi from being raped as they were actually men. Not saying men can't be raped but hey it's something. Progress has to start from somewhere. The boy could've created a way to fully protect from rape, so how the fuck do people think he's stupid? Because he hides it. Only explanation I can think of. Anyone who has gone through the briar fields of life while others take the main road know how to wear a mask to hide the pain inside, and nar didn't just go though it, he got lost, made several left turns like NASCAR, and made a home before finding his way out of it. Loneliness and depression are seriously terrible things. Not really something to joke about.

Monotonous relationship

I can see the draw of a harem. Honestly how could I not, as I'm a red blooded male. The story depicts a world filled with women that work their bodies into an almost superhuman shape. Muscles so taut and lithe with the right curves where they belong? Hummana hummana. That said, too much of a good thing and it gets dull. Nar screws every hot chick in the fic, meh. Nar finds the uncut diamond in a chest full of gems and loves it forever? Tell me more. I love stories that depict someone finding nar, seeing behind his mask and acting as his anchor. Someone who finally gives him the time of day and sees how much he's hurting and helps him rise above the pain and darkness. Whether it's a close friend, a parental figure, or just a good Samaritan. But when this figure gets close romantically, that's what I like.if your gonna be a pervert and do a harem, go write smut and be done with it, I'll read it when I'm bored.

Non konoha Naruto

Konohagakure, the village hidden in the leaves. Done before. It got boring. Finding one where nar is kidnapped as a child and raised lovingly somewhere else is an interesting concept that if done right is very entertaining. I read a few where yugito ni adopts him and acts as his big sister, one where jiraiya abandons konoha to raise nar in peace as he should've done in the first as his godfather (Sirius should've done the same for Harry in hp instead of idiotically chasing the fat rat like a cat.) Nar is like a plant, if nurtured correctly he could be like a mighty sycamore instead of the oak he became in canon and konoha is like a desert to said plant, inhospitable and uncaring. Hiruzen, behind the grandfatherly facade, endeared himself to Naruto to make sure the villages "weapon" was loyal to the village, whether done purposely or not, it happened. Give me a story where kirabi comes across nar as a baby and raises him humorously but lovingly, as it would let nar grow up knowing love, he'd also know how to use kurama's power better, be better in a scuffle, and probably be more creative with his arsenal, but it would also open the option for bee to mature as a character as he now has a child that completely depends on him. Throw in a random traveling toad sage and boom, hilarity at it's finest. It would make a story that had the potential to have a powerful Naruto, a loving relationship between child and adopted father, (which is something I know well with my step-dad,) humor in the way of Kurama and A's anxiety, and maybe a romance between Naruto and yugito or karui. I would read that over and over and over again.

Ldrship

Loyalty

Duty

Respect

Selfless service

Honor

Integrity

Personal courage

Favorite acronyms

Fubar, susfu, snafu

F'd up beyond all recognition

Situation unchanged, still f'd up

Situation normal, all f'd up

If you actually read to this point you are way more patient than I, as I would have skipped down to see if there were any works done. Seriously, I'm not a patient person.

Anyone remember those spring things that boosted your jump in Sonic the hedgehog? Every time I read about baby Harry deflecting the ak, that pops in my head.