My real name is not Yodeling Pickles. My mother loved me and gave me a very nice one. If I had the choice of picking my name for myself I don't think even then I would have given myself the name yodeling pickles. I would have given myself a name like Gertrude Fredrika Awesomesause. By the way my last name is not awesomesause...

Back in my day, whenever that was, I was regarded as a novelty...

I loved to read the Odessy in my own time, again whatever that is, and memorized poems just to say I could.

Now things have changed, I find many who do the same thing, so, rather than sink down into mediocreness or whatever that word is, I have resolved to fight back against making the weird, normal.

So then I randomly decided to write stories because why not? everyone who is on here is weird.

I laughed, I cried, it moved me Bob. I hope to hear many other encouraging statements about my stories, even if this one was never said about anything I wrote unless they were specifically talking about how bad the grammer was, and I hope you tell all your friends and relatives.

I even hope you tell the old guy down the street with the hair growing out his ears because he might actually review unlike most of the people on fan fiction, me included, of course.

About me: I read. Shocking isn't it, well I will let you in on a little secret, I bet you read too! Now wasn't that fun to get out in the open. Perhaps you wondered about my name or maybe you wanted to see my vastly amazing biography. Well I am glad you asked, it all started when I was a fetus...Ok, ok never mind, there is so much it might take too long. I will pretend to make it short and sweet, I was born, I live, and I love goldfish crackers. Nuff said.

My age: Another number in the great chain of numbers has come and gone, I am one year older.

I am a Christian and proud of it!!

What I read: I assume nobody really reads this stuff so I am not even going to get all technical about what I like or dislike. I am going to say that I read stuff that I like and others like it too, so ha.

I love musicals!! Like: Hello Dolly, How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying, and Pirates of Penzance. I would watch musicals all day long if I wasn't sleeping during that time...

Dunno, this stuff was kinda random...

I think that smelly socks that have been worn smell almost like buttered popcorn and if you are skeptical you should really just try and see.

Another question in life that needs an answer is, how many angel can dance on the head of a pin?

Movies I like: Do you really care? I don't care if you don't, but I do like Veggie Tales and Get Smart (the T.V. series wierdo, not the movie. I did not like that.)

I had a pet flea. His name was Jasper. I only saw him once but he will live on in my memory for a lifetime. I told him not to cross the street but did he listen, No! And so ended his tiny life to the cruel wheel of a semi. Those unforgiving wheels crushed his small pitiful body and (sob) My sister says that I am overreacting but she never knew him. I am so misunderstood.

For a person whose life has given them lemons, they have three options the way I see it.

1. Go ahead and make lemonade. It won’t be hard, and it will enable them to be optimistic.

2. Make apple juice. Or grape, or orange, or whatever juice, and make all those simple-minded people, who didn’t realize that your lemons were actually magical lemons, wonder how you did it, or….

3. Eat those stupid lemons, and while you’re eating them, call them a lemon cheesecake or something. That way the lemons are done and gone completely, and you can make space on your table for Life to hand you sugar, candy, and ice cream for truly conquering you troubles.

But when your whole life seems to be a lemon, don’t take option three. Instead, go to college and decide to major in nutrition. That way you learn about the good affects of lemons, AND find a whole new bunch of other foods you will then be able to have life give you.

Now for the lucky person who has never had a lemon in their life, they have sorely missed out, because they may never need to read a story about Life and Lemons, and all of these wonderful tips. But, I’ll bet their cake and ice cream of their life doesn’t taste as good as the cake and ice cream of a person who has had lemons in their life. Why? Because we know the difference in taste.

These are some Paraprosdokian sentences. I like em, you might too...

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

The car stopped on a dime, which unfortunately was in a pedestrian’s pocket.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you will be a mile away and he won’t have any shoes.

Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says in an emergency, notify,I put A DOCTOR.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

Here are a few by some of the masters of the art. (Quoting them is not a wholesale endorsement.)

“I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father, not screaming and terrified like his passengers.” — Bob Monkhouse

“If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.” — Henry J. Tillman

“The saying ‘Getting there is half the fun’ became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines.” — Henry J. Tillman

“A fool and his money are soon elected.” — Will Rogers

“Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven’t had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.” — Will Rogers (Rob adds: Not to take away from Will Rogers’s brilliant paraprosdokian, but … for the sake of several history buffs who read my blog, Rogers must have made this statement before Harding was elected.)

“If I am reading this graph correctly, I would be very surprised.” — Stephen Colbert

“There’s a bunch of different crunches that affect the abs … my favorite is Nestle.” — Shmuel Breban

“When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.” — Emo Philips

“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.” — Jack Handey

“‘The crows seemed to be calling his name,’ thought Caw.” — Jack Handey

“It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried.” — Winston Churchill

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing — after they’ve tried everything else.”- Winston Churchill

“A modest man, who has much to be modest about.” — Winston Churchill (said of Clement Attlee)

“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.” — Groucho Marx

“She got her good looks from her father; he’s a plastic surgeon.” — Groucho Marx

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.” — Groucho Marx

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” — Groucho Marx

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” — Groucho Marx

If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that’s what it does half the time.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. “Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple!"

I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.

I got binoculars ’cause I don’t want to go that close.

I can read minds, but I’m illiterate.

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.”

I got a belt on that’s holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What’s going on here?

Who is the real hero? I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they’re really doing is saying, “I can’t knit, get this away from me!”

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

If you don’t know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That’s the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!

Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman’s horse, you would be very confused.“I don’t think this dude can see.”

“I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.” — Will Rogers

“If you are going through hell, keep going.” — Winston Churchill

“I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.” — Mitch Hedberg

There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

"I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night."