Hey peoplez, I'm Jasmine/ Jazzie and i just got my own laptop! adios dinosaur(old computer) so i should be updating more now(probably not as much bc i have stupid school and yeah) i sometimes will put some spanish or french in my stories, but ill try and translate it also so dont worry. I love jokes and stuff so i'll also put stuff in, but it would also help if you would be as so kind as to give me some jokes(i may love jokes, but i can't really say funny stuff to save my life, i have to quote stuff) also ideas for stories will be VERY helpfull, so yeah... well PEACE!!!!

~~~~~~~FUNNY~~~~~~~~~

The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, then the rest of our lives telling us to shut up and sit down!

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Don’t mess with me; I've got a stick.

I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love. Also Bitches before Riches

When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.

The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't count.

It doesn't matter whether the glass is half empty or half full, just drink it and get it over with!

25 Reasons to Thank my Mother:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why.

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

A friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend bails you out and says, "I told you I could run faster!"

Reason why I was late:
I got trapped in Narnia
Horton heard a who, so I had to take him to the mental hospital
Cookie Monster had to get his stomach pumped, and he wanted me there

Okay, I have a question: who is the most bad-ass, kick-ass, red evil, awesome, pimping man alive? ELMO! (everyone luvs Elmo )

okay thats it i guess, please read my stories, thanx!

xmistressofthenightx