Something to think about: If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese, or when two foots are feet, why aren't two footballs feetballs? Oh, deep, I know.

Everything is funny as long as it's happening to someone else

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

You laugh at me because I'm crazy, I laugh at you because there's an invisible leprechaun sitting on your shoulder.

Last night I was laying in bed, looking up at the stars and I thought . . . WHERE THE HECK IS THE CEILING?

Before you judge a person, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, it doesn't matter because you're a mile away from him, and you've got his shoes.

Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES!

Welcome to the dark side. Are you surprised that we lied about having cookies?

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

We must never, ever be mean to stupid people. If we are, they might go away. Then who would we laugh at?

Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

It’s retarded it’s ridiculous it’s re-dic-u-tard-ed.

What girls don't seem to know: when a guy acts like he hates you, chances are, he likes you. What guys don't seem to know: when a girl acts like she hates you, chances are, she hates you.

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.

The world is full of crazy people. They made me their leader.

Don't mess with me, I've got a stick.

Boys are like Slinky's . . . useless, but fun to watch fall down stairs.

Slinky and an escalator = endless fun

People tell me I'm weird and I say "You just figured that out?"

Best friends are the people that know all about you and still put up with you.

I don't have a short attention span, I just - ooh, a kitty!

I'm not insane . . . I just do whatever the voices tell me to.

Isn't it funny how people who want quiet are always the loudest telling people to shut up?

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

My friends are the type of people who would try to drown a fish, but I love them anyways.

I like you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people and their questions.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.

Do not disturb, I'm disturbed enough already.

Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.

There's no place like home . . . but Wal-mart's close.

You can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their own way, then trick them when they aren't paying attention.

Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. Either it's my mom or my dad. Or my older brother Collin. Or my other brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. I think its Collin.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's actually a meteor hurtling toward Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.

There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Remember that you are unique. Just like everybody else.

When you get caught looking at him, just remember, he was looking back.

Secret admirers are stalkers with stationary.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

If you can stay calm when all around you is complete chaos, you probably haven't fully understood the situation.

Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

If the world gives you lemons, you can make lemonade... or you can make a biologically engineered virulent air-born pathogenic virus that will wipe out the entire population of the planet, which would be a whole lot cooler.

Don't worry about the people in your past, there's a reason they didn't make it to your future.

The rules only apply if you get caught.

I got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the w's.

A true idiot climbs a glass wall to see what's on the other side.

I used all my sick days so I called in dead.

Don't worry about the end of the world coming today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

Kids are the future. Be afraid, very afraid!

Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible?

You're a great friend, but if zombies chase us . . . I'm tripping you.

So many stupid people, so little duct tape.

I'm too tired to punch you. Would you please run your face into my fist repeatedly?

I have multiple personalities, and none of them like you.

I don't understand white crayons! Why are they here? What do they want from us?

"Let's eat Grandma!" or "Let's eat, Grandma!" Punctuation saves lives.

Get real. No one's going to form a single-file line if the building's on FIRE!

The next sentence is true. The previous sentence is false.

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then watch the world wonder how you did it.

Life is like a pack of gum . . . I've yet to figure out why.

If your name is Mr.Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?

Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.

Person #1: Happiness is just around the corner!
Person #2: Too bad the world is round!

I'm not random, I just have many thougt- OH! A SQUIRREL!

Robbers stab you in the stomach. Boyfriends stab you in the heart. Friends stab you in the back. Best friends poke you with straws.