On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos:!...You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how?...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Well...duh, a bit late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (I was hoping it was going to be frozen... darn.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (And...I'm taking this because?...)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash!!...)
(In reality, they are forced to do that due to people with peanut and nut allergies. If they don't...MAJOR LAWSUITS!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

If you think that being unique is better than being cool then put this on your profile.

If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think that Fan fiction absolutely ROCKS, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you spend multiple hours each day reading and/or writing, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile

If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, put this in your profile.

If you actually take the time to read other people's profiles, put this in yours.

If you like singing songs at random points in the day, copy this into your profile.

If you hear voices of the characters in your head...copy and paste this on your profile.

Did you know the average American only reads 3 books a year? If you don't believe that it's even possible to read that little, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you HATE those obnoxious preppy people PLEASE copy this into your profile.

92 of the teenage population would die if Abercrombie and Fitch said that it wasn't cool to breath anymore. Put this in your profile if yopur part of the 8 that would be laughing your butt off.

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as diffrent, which is the same as unique, and unique is good. so weird is good. If you are Weird and proud of it, copy this into your profile

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa copy this into your profile.

If you are weird, insane, crazy, odd, not-normal, a freak of nature, psychotic, random, or anything similar, post this in your profile. (um... I'm everything of that xD)

If you have music in your soul, post this into your profile. (i often hear songs i really like in my head. then, people often see me bopping back and forth my head without them hearing any music around me. then, they call me insane. then, i say thanks.)

If you're obsessed with any television series, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you often do your homework, work stuff etc. after midnight, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think that writing or reading Fanfic stories is fun, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you are addicted to FanFiction, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation, put it in your profile..

If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile..

If you don't watch Laguna Beach or the O.C. or The Hills religiously, never have, never will, and are proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever zoned out for more than 5 consecutive minutes, copy this into your profile.

If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.

I like cheese. I have seen purple cows. If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese, or when two foots are feet, why aren't two footballs feetball? Milk tastes good. People call me crazy, which I am, but I'm also random! If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile!

This story is Amazing

I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw a Cashier hand this little boy some money back."The boy couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old. The Cashier said, "I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll."

Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ''Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?''

The old lady replied: ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.''

Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look a round. She left quickly. The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand. Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to.

"It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas.

She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her."

I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry.

But he replied to me sadly. "No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there."

His eyes were so sad while saying this. "My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.''

My heart nearly stopped.

The little boy looked up at me and said: "I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall."

Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me "I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me."

"I love my mommy and I wish she doesn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister."

Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.

I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. "Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?''

"OK" he said, "I hope I do have enough." I added some of my money to his with out him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money.

The little boy said: "Thank you God for giving me enough money!"

Then he looked at me and added, "I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give It to my sister. He heard me!''

"I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.''

"My mommy loves white roses."

A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket. I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started. I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind.

Then I remembered a local news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl.

The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma.

Was this the family of the little boy?

Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the news paper that the young woman had passed away.

I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before her burial.

She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.

I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed for ever.. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine.

And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.

Now you have 2 choices:

1) Repost this message, or

2) Ignore it as if it never touched your heart

Repost this if you truly believe in God.

The Stupid Test! Teehee. (put an x next to the one that is you, than in the end, add up all of the x's. if you have 18 or less, than u r not stupid.) p.s. this is not a real test, just something for fun!

(x) Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were talking.

(x) Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were not talking.

(x) You have run into a glass/screen door.

( ) You have jumped out of a moving vehicle.

(x) You have thought of something funny and laughed, then people gave you weird looks.

(x) You have run into a tree.

( ) It IS possible to lick your elbow

(x) You just tried to lick your elbow.

(x) You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star have the same rhythm.

(x) You just tried to sing them.

(x) You have tripped on your shoelace and fallen.

(x) You have choked on your own spit.

( ) You have seen the the Matrix and still don’t get it.

(x) You didn’t notice that in the last question “the” was spelled twice

(x) You just looked at it.

(x) Your hair is blonde/dirty blonde/has blonde in it.

(x) People have called you slow.

(x) You have accidentally caught something on fire

though sometimes it wasn't an accident

(x) You tried to drink out of a straw, but it went into your nose/eyes/cheek.

(x) You have caught yourself drooling.

(x) You’ve fallen asleep in class

where else would i cacth up on the sleep i lost because i was up late reading fanfiction

(x) If someone says “fart” you laugh.

(x) You just laughed.

(x) Sometimes you just stop thinking

(x) You tell a story and forget what you were talking about

(x) People are often shaking their heads and walking away from you

(x) You are often told to use your “inside voice”.

(x) You use your fingers to do simple math.

( ) You have eaten a bug.

(x) You are taking this test when you should be doing something important

(x) You have put your clothes on backwards or inside out, and didn’t realize it

(x) You’ve looked all over for something and realized it was in your hand, pocket, head, etc.

( ) You sometimes post bulletins because you are scared that what they say will happen to you if you don’t even when you know it won’t happen to you.

(x) You break a lot of things.

(x) Your friends know not to use big words around you

mine do anyway

(x) You sometimes tilt your head when you’re confused

(x) You have fallen out of your chair before

(x) When you’re lying in bed, you try to find pictures in the texture of the ceiling

Total all together is 33- YAY! I'M STUPID!

Girl: Do I ever cross your mind? Boy: No

Girl: Do you like me? Boy: No

Girl: Do you want me? Boy: No

Girl: Would you cry if I left? Boy: No

Girl: Would you live for me? Boy: No

Girl: Would you do anything for me? Boy: No

Girl: Choose--me or your life Boy: My life

The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...

The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind. The reason why I don't like you is because I love you. The reason I don't want you is because I need you. The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left. The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you. The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you. The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.

If you find this incredibly cute and touching, copy and paste it into your profile.

Love vs. Sex

A teenage girl about 17 had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year.

She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone.

She wasn't afraid because it wasa small town and she lived only a few blocks away.

As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger.

When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it.

However, half-way down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her.

She became uneasy and began to pray, askingfor God's protection.

Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her.

When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely.

The following day,she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there.

Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep.

Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station.

She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story.

The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him.

She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before.

When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed.

The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her.

She asked if they would ask the manone question.

Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her.

When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her."

Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone.

Did you know that 98 of teenagers will not stand up for God? Repost this as Love vs. Sex if you truly believe in God... Yes there is many people in the world. But god walks beside you always.

• 19 ways to win a girls heart •
1. Hugs from behind.
2. Grab her hand when you walk next to each other(don't make her grab yours).
3. When standing, wrap your arms around her.
4. Cuddle with her.
5. DON'T FORCE HER TO DO ANYTHING.
6. Write little notes.
7. Compliment her Honestly.
8. When you hug her, hold her in your arms as long as possible.
9. Be super sweet to her.
10. Call her at night to wish her sweet dreams.
11. Comfort her when she cries.
12. Wipe away her tears
13. Love her with all your heart.
14. Pick her up and flirt with her (she'll scream and say put me down but really she loves it).
15. Be a gentleman (hold the door for her).
16. Don't let your friends talk trash about her, it'll get back 2 her!
DONT ever act diff in front of ur friends than u r when its just u and her!!!!
17. Take her for a long walk at night!
18. Always bring a blanket where ever you go outside when its cold to comfort her and hold her close
19. NEVER LIE TO HER!!!!!! because then she will think everything you ever said to her was a lie, even i love you
Girls - repost this if you think it's sweet
Guys - repost this if you would do any of it

YOUR GUY SIDE:

xYou love hoodies.

x You love jeans.

xDogs are better than cats.

xIt's hilarious when people get hurt.

xYou've played with/against boys on a team.

xShopping is torture.

Sad movies suck.

You own/ed an X-Box.

xPlayed with Hotwheel cars as a kid.

xAt some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.

You own/ed a DS, PS2 or Sega.

xYou used to be obsessed with Power Rangers

xYou watch sports on TV.

xGory movies are cool.

xYou go to your dad for advice.- most of the time

xYou own like a trillion baseball caps.

You like going to high school football games.

You used to/do collect football/baseball cards.

xBaggy pants are cool to wear.

xIt's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.

xGreen, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.

xYou love to go crazy and not care what people think.

Sports are fun.

xTalk with food in your mouth.

xSleep with your socks on at night--sometimes

TOTAL:19

YOUR GIRL SIDE:

You wear lip gloss/chapstick.

You love to shop.

xYou wear eyeliner. -only like 5 times a year

You wear the color pink

xYou Go to your mom for advice.

You consider cheerleading a sport.

You hate wearing the color black.

You like hanging out at the mall.

You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.

You like wearing jewelry.

Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.

Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.

You don't like the movie Star Wars.

You were in gymnastics/dance.

It takes you around/ more one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up.

xYou smile a lot more than you should.

xYou have more than 10 pairs of shoes.

You care about what you look like.

You like wearing dresses when you can.

You like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne.

x You love the movies.

xUsed to play with dolls as little kid.

Like putting make-up on someone else for the joy/joke of it.

Like being the star of every thing.

TOTAL: 6

10 Ways To Be S-T-U-P-I-D:

1. Ask For Directions To A Place Youre Already At.

2. Try To Order Pizza From McDonalds.

3. Get Hit By A Parked Car.

4. Try To Watch Saturday Cartoons On A Thursday.

5. Try To Sell Your Money.

6. Try To Play The Alphabet On The Piano.

7. Eat All You Can Eat At A Store.

8. Get Into A Fight With Yourself And Lose.

9. Try To Go Swimming Without Getting Wet.

10. Ask For Diet Water At A Restaurant

Do it one by one, don't look ahead!

1. Write the name of a person of the opposite sex.

2.Which is your favorite color out of red, black, blue, green, or yellow?

3. Your first initial?

4. Your month of birth?

5. Which color do you like more, black or white?

6. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.

7. Your favorite number?

8. Do you like California or Florida more?

9. Do you like the lake or the ocean more?

10. Write down a wish (a realistic one).

Are you done?

If so scroll down

(don't cheat- -)

THE ANSWERS

1. You are completly in love with this person

2. If you choose

Red: You are alert and your life is full of love.

Black: You are conservitive and agressive.

Green: Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.

Blue: You are spontaneous and and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.

Yellow: You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.

3. If your initial is:

A-K: You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.

L-R: You try to enjoy life to the maximum and your love life is is soon to blossom.

S-Z: You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.

4. If you were born in:

Jan.-Mar.: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.

Apr.-June: You will have a strong love relashonship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.

July-Sept.: You will have a great year and will experiance a major life changing experiance for the good.

Oct.-Dec.: Your love life will not be too great, but eventually you will find your soulmate.

5. If you choose...

Black: Your life will take on in a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.

White: You will have a friend who completely confides with you and would do anything for you, but may not realize it.

6. This person is your best friend.

7. THis is how many close friends you will have in a lifetime.

8. If you choose

California: You like adventure.

Florida: You are a laidback person.

9. If you choose...

Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your love. And you are very reserved.

Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.

10. This wish will come true only if you RE-POST THIS BULLETIN in one hour and it will come before your next birthday

10 Commandments of a Teenager

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)
2) Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)
3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Walmart has a bigger selection)
4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)
5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)
6) Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)
7) Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)
8) Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more)
9) Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, "just do it")
10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leave'm in the middle)

A girl and guy were speeding over 100mph on a motorcycle

Girl: Slow down, I'm scared!

Guy: No, this is fun.

Girl: No, it's not. Please, I'm scared.

Guy: Then tell me you love me.

Girl: I love you, now slow down!

Guy: Now give me a big hug.

She gives him a big hug

Guy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself, it's bothering me.

In the newspaper the next day, a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of break failure. Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized his break wasn't working but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead he had her hug him and tell him one last time that she loved him. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she would live even if he died.

Girl: Why do you like me?
Boy: Too many reasons
Girl: Give me a number
Boy: How many stars are in the night sky?
Girl: That's impossible
Boy: So you see the problem

It's you and me versus the world...we attack at dawn.

I hate it when the voices and my imaginary friends fight.

Have you seen my mind? I seem to have lost it.

If all else fails, try reading the instructions.

I'm not clumsy... The floor just hates me.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

My imaginary friend thinks you have a very serious problem...

Yes, I hit like a girl. You could too if you hit a bit harder.

When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Remember: Some people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot --Some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a life time commitment for a pig.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

"Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, but today. Today is a gift. That is why they call it the present."

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.

Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

If idiots grew on trees, this place would be an orchard

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends.

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Be a loser! Because being cool is so overrated!

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they're not out to get you.

It's all fun and games until the other person loses their sanity.

Don't hate yourself in the morning-sleep till noon.

I'm not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?

Why is it that some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?

It is wise to walk a mile in a man's shoes before judging him... That way you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking."

"Sometimes you're the windshield, but sometimes you gotta be the bug."

"Always listen to experts- they'll tell you confidently what can't be done and why. Then go ahead and do it."

"Happiness is your dentist telling you “it won't hurt a bit,” and then he catches his hand in the drill."

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.

People who say it can't be done should not interrupt those of us who are doing it.

You can't wait for inspiration; you have to go after it with a club.

The act of writing is the act of discovering what you believe.

Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost what it thinks about dogs.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

The buddy system is essential to survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

SARCASM is just another free service I offer.

I like you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.

I'm not ALWAYS late. Sometimes I just don't show up.

You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Education is important; school however, is another matter.

I can only please on person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either.

Don't follow in my footsteps; I tend to walk into walls.

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call a "floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

Dream big dreams, because little dreams have no magic.

I apologize, do you want me to mean it too?

Doctors say I have multiple personality disorder. We disagree with that.

“I am sick of people having a near death experience and saying they saw the light. You know what the paramedics do when they first arrive? THEY SHINE A LIGHT IN YOUR EYE! That’s not GOD…it’s a MAGLIGHT!”

So what I’ve got a smile on, but it’s hiding the quiet superstitions in my head.

Yes I may be smiling, but I’m secretly laughing at your face.

I'm the person your mother warned you about.

Do not disturb I’m disturbed enough already

- If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. Paul Beatly

Man invented language to satisfy his need to complain Lily Tomlin

- Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

Keep your mouth shut and people will think you're stupid; Open it and you'll remove all doubt.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Lewis's Law of Travel: The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Life is wonderful. Without it, you wouldn't know me.

Paranoia: A healthy understanding of the nature of the universe.

Marriage is grand - and divorce is about 10 grand.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Plan to be spontaneous. tomorrow.

Earth is full. Go home.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Bite off more than you can chew, then chew it.

The most successful people are those who are good at plan B.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ...

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."

There are three sides of an argument -- your side, my side and the right side.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

A sane mind is a boring one.

I admit I'm insane, but at least I'm at a normal level.

Simple mind equals simple pleasures.

Oh, but over the rainbow isn't a good thing. I'm afraid of heights.

"I think God has a wicked sense of humor." "Yeah, and some narc. tendencies."

If you think things can't get worse, it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.

Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.

He who stands on a windowsill to see how far out he can lean without falling is a moron.

"A positive attitude may not solve all of your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." Herm Albright

I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

Sometimes I wonder 'why is the Frisbee getting bigger?' then it hits me.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Life was so simple when boys had cooties!

I ran with scissors, and lived!

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

People say that I have totally lost it. I wasn't even aware I had it.

If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?

You don't have to be faster than the bear; you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. Just drink it and get it over with!

You always get whats coming to you; unless it gets lost in the mail.

Beware the letter 'G'. It is the end of everything.

Forecast for tonight: darkness

On those restaurant signs that say 'No shirt, no shoes, no service,' does that mean you can wear a shirt and shoes, but no pants, and they have to serve you?

I'm the kind of person who walks into a chair and apologizes

We're not retreating! We're advancing in a different direction!

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

You, you, and you panic. The rest of you follow me.

PMS: Every woman's legal right to be a bitch.

Its always funny until someone gets hurt. Then its hysterical

If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.

I know KUNG-FU and 42 other dangerous words

I burst laughing out in class today...I got that joke you told yesterday

Have you considered suing your brain for non-support?

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable; like a coma?

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught t me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don 't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were raised in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"

Stupidest Last Words In The History Of Mankind:

What does this button do?

It's probably just a rash.

Are you sure the power is off?

The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!

Which wire was I supposed to cut?

I wonder where the mother bear is.

I've seen this done on TV.

These are the good kind of mushrooms.

It's strong enough for both of us.

This doesn't taste right.

I can do that with my eyes closed.

I've done this before.

Well, we've made it this far.

That's odd.

I'll just put my head in it to make sure.

Don't be so superstitious.

Now watch this.

Look Ma! No Hands!

Don't worry, it's not contagious.

Of course it's safe.

It can't get any worse...

There's only one way to find out!

"I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash

the only reason i'm here is because Heaven wouldn't have me and Hell was afraid i'd take over.

You say Psycho like it's a bad thing...

I intend to live forever, so far so good.

Old enough to know better, young enough to do it again.

You're awesome... but when the zombies come, i'm tripping you.

I am not weird...just plotting.

Smile; it makes people wonder what you're up to.

Don't run in the school hall, gliding is more fun!

Silent is golden but duct tape is silver

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a U-turn

"There's nothing that can't be fixed with: duct tape, chocolate, or by running it over."

"My attention span is just short enough to annoy you and ignore you all at the same time."

"Dream as if you'll live forever... Live as if you die today."

"Don't get mad; get sadistic."

"Common sense is the enemy of comedy."

"Sarcasm isn't an attitude, it's an ART."

"Knowledge is power; power is the root of all-evil. Therefore studying is evil."

"I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it!"

"You know what?! Earth sucks, I'm going home."

"What is this 'kindness' you speak of?"

"Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you keep on talking."

"They say 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people."

"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't."

"Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool."

"The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."

"If the shoe fits, get another one just like it."

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer."

"A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries."

"The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room."

"A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well."

"When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of Jury duty"

"I'm a lover, not a fighter, but I'll fight for what I love"-Unknown

"You never know how strong you are... until being strong is the only choice you have"-Unknown

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass it's about learning to dance in the rain" - Unknown.

Gibbs’s Rules:

Rule # 1: Never let suspects stay together.

Rule # 2: Always wear gloves at a crime scene.

Rule # 3: Never be unreachable.

Rule # 4: Best way to keep a secret is to keep it to yourself. The second-best is to tell one other person if you must. There is no third-best.

Rule # 5: never screw over your partner

Rule # 6: don’t apologize, it’s a sign of weakness

Rule # 7: always be specific when you lie

Rule # 8: Never take anything for granted.

Rule # 9: always carry your knife.

Rule # 10: Don't believe what you're told. Double check.

Rule # 11: when the job’s done, walk away

Rule # 12: never date a coworker

Rule # 13: never involve lawyers

Rule # 15: always work as a team

Rule #18: It's better to seek forgiveness than ask permission.

Rule # 22: never, ever interrupt Gibbs in interrogation.

Rule # 23: Never mess with a marine’s coffee if you want to live

Rule # 27: never eat in autopsy

Rule # 37: always anticipate

Rule # 38: your case, your lead

Rule # 40: if it seems like somebody's out to get you, they probably are

Rule # 51: sometimes you're wrong

People fear the strange and unusual. I am the strange and unusual.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.

Smile. It confuses people.

We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.

-"I'm going to try to be me, whoever that is..."

I’ve got problem for your solution…

All people have the right to stupidity but some abuse the privilege.

You can’t be late until you show up.

The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.

Experience is the name so many people give to their mistakes.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way; wisdom is looking both directions anyway.

Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.

You never learn anything by doing it right.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.

As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.

Fiction writing is great; you can make up almost anything.

If aliens are looking for intelligent life, why the heck are YOU scared?!

Your friend is the person who knows all about you, and still like you.

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

Your friends are what will matter in the end.

Don't be so humble - you're not that great.

It is time that I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from many.

Tell the truth and run

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

Psychology. Mind over matter? Mind under matter? It doesn't matter. Never mind.

Let's flip a coin. Heads, we’ll be together, tails, we'll flip again.

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Don't frown, even when you're sad, someone could be falling in love with your smile.

To the world, you are just one person, but to one person, you are the world.

Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question.

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed and permanently set.

A smile is the shortest distance between two people

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear. Mark Twain

If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked something.

Of course I'm talking to myself. Who else can I trust?

I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not.

Why is it that people are fine with everyone having a different job or going to a different school, but if you say you follow a different religion, you are weird?

Don’t mess with me I've got a stick

My favorite word is sarcasm.

Normal is just a setting on washing machines.

I would be more scared if you were aiming for the person next to me

If you don't like me, there is nothing I can do. Here's a newsflash Honey, I don't live to please you.

We fall for stupid boys we make lots of dumb mistakes we like to act stupid, talk really fast, and laugh really loud. But us teenage girls, we're really good at one thing, staying strong.

What is easy is not always right, and what is right is not always easy.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side

I like you. People say I’ve got no taste, but I like you.

Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.

We are responsible for what we do unless we are celebrities.

A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it.

"When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets."

"I can't die, because I'm the main character of my own life."

I took the road less traveled... and got really freaking lost

I sit in the corner as America flips the political table, gets the fight really heated, and slowly backs out of the bar.

You have to think outside the cardboard cube.

You, off my planet!

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging!

The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds; the pessimist fears it is true.

In a dog-eat-dog world the best thing to do is become a cat.

Goldfish have the memory span of 3 seconds; sometimes I have to wonder if I’m a goldfish

Rules are like paperclips. Meant to hold things together, fun to bend, and easy to twist out of shape.

I hit rock bottom. Then I start digging.

I didn't lose my mind. I sold it on eBay!

When life gives you oranges, throw them back and ask why everyone else got lemons.

Those of you who think you know everything annoy those of us that do.

The joy of boredom!

Are you INSANE! ...no wait that's me.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one...

If you’re walking on thin ice, you might as well dance

I'm worse than evil, I'm the author.

If you come looking for trouble, you'll find it.

Don't steal, the government hates competition.

Right now I am having amnesia and deja vu at the same time; I think I've forgotten this before.

To Every Girl:

To every girl that is SCARED to put her heart out there again, because she has been HURT too many times or so badly.

To every girl that has been cheated on, because she's not a slut who gives it up to any guy.

To every girl that dresses cute, not skanky

To every girl who wants to be called beautiful, not hot.

To every girl that will spend her whole day looking for the perfect present for you.

To every girl who gets her heart broken, because he chose that bitch instead.

To every girl that would die to have a decent boyfriend.

To every girl who would just once like to be treated like a princess.

To every girl that cries at night because of another heartbreak.

To every girl that won't get down on her knees & open her mouth just to get a boyfriend.

To every girl that just wants to hold hands.

To every girl that kisses him with meaning.

To every girl who just wishes he cared more.

To every girl who would just once want a guy to give their jacket up when they are cold.

To every girl who just wants him to call.

To every girl who lies awake at night thinking about him

To every girl who shows how much she cares and gets nothing back.

To every girl that thought "maybe this one could be the one."

To every girl that laughs at stupid stuff when she actually doesn't think it is funny.

To every girl who is just looking for that one and only, and is having a rough time along the way.

To every girl that doesn't want a guy who just plays with her emotions but actually cares about how she feels.

To every girl who wants words backed up with actions.

To every girl that fell for all the lies only to find themselves alone in the end.

To every girl that gave her heart away to have it shoved back in her face. Never again

To every girl that has faith that "tomorrow will be a better day." And it will be