Favorite quotes:

Fangirls are like whiny puppies. They're annoying as all hell, but everyone pities them too much to kill them. Oh, they are also very loud.

It's not paranoia if you know they are out to get you.

The pen may be mightier, but the sword still hurts like hell.

You can’t spell slaughter without laughter

Anybody remotely interesting is mad, in some way or another.

In theory, everything works.

Eat right, exercise, die anyway.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

It's tourist season, so why can't I shoot them?

That which doesn't kill you...will probably try again.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high level explosives.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Curiosity killed the cat, but Satisfaction brought it back.

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

Some people are like slinkies. They seem to have no purpose, but they still make you smile when you push them down the stairs.

Sometimes the good guys get hurt, too. Sometimes they lose, even when they should win.

I said I had my reasons. I never said you would understand.

The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

Better to stay silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.

Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I respect your opinion; I just think it's stupid.

Keep smiling - it makes people wonder what you're up to.

If explosives didn't solve your problems you obviously weren't using enough of them.

The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits.

Love your enemies. It gets them really confused.

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

I'm not as dumb as you look.

This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence.

If I had no sense of humor then I would have commited suicide long ago.

If at first you don't succeed...go back and reload the gun.

Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they'll be when you kill
them.

Writing is the socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.

The only cure for writer's block is insomnia.

The wastebasket is a writer's best friend.

No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.

Never apologize. Always deny.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ...

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

When you read a quote and says unknown at the end of it its because they can't spell anonymous

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this isn't too difficult.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for my kick boxing.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

It just seems that the impossible becomes possible around me more often than not. Most of the time it includes me doing it.

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. It never ends.

Here's to you and here's to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, then to HELL with you, here's to ME!

When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds; the pessimist fears it is true.

We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

The voices in my head tell me that you're all crazy to think that I need therapy.

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like grandfather...not screaming like the passengers in his car.

If you can keep your head while other people are losing theirs, you probably don't fully understand the situation.

They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it everytime I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?

Sarcasm is one more service we offer.

I hear voices and they don't like you

Smile -- it confuses the enemy

I'm not bossy, I just have better ideas

Insanity is a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.

I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away.

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

Who ever said anything was possible never tried nailing jello to a tree.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Groucho Marx (1890-1977) Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
Sir James Dewar, Scientist (1877-1925)

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
Mark Twain [Samuel Langhornne Clemens] (1835-1910)

All my life I've wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
Jane Wagner/Lily Tomlin (1939- )

When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
Walter Lippmann (1889-1974)

Lots of times you have to pretend to join a parade in which you're not really interested in order to get where you're going.
Christopher Darlington Morley (1890-1957)

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

A classic is a book which people praise and don't read.
Mark Twain [Samuel Langhornne Clemens] (1835-1910)

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Mark Twain [Samuel Langhornne Clemens] (1835-1910)

A jury consists of twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Robert Frost

It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
Walt Disney

Be OPTIMISTIC... all the people you hate are eventually going to die!!

"I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned."

Heaven kicked me out. Hell is afraid I'll take over.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

“I don’t see you doing anything.” - “No, you don’t; but thinking doesn’t usually require much movement.”

Dont upset me - I'm running out of places to put the bodies.

Evening news is where they say, "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it's not.

The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

‘If you can’t beat them, join them; if you can’t join them, kill them; if you can’t kill them, blow them all to kingdom come!”

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

Simplicity killed the cat--Curiosity was framed.

No Trespassers! Violators will be shot, survivors will be shot again.

Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

Sometimes I Wonder, "Why is that frisbee getting bigger?" and then it hits me!!

The voices in my head may not be real but they still have pretty good ideas...

The voices in my head are telling me I will get back to you as soon as they are done with me.

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

Death is God's way of saying, 'You're fired!' with no second chance. Suicide is humanity's way of saying, 'You can't fire me! I quit!

Join The Army! Journey to exotic places, meet new people, then kill them.

Silence is golden, but duck tape is silver.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

We're not retreating! We're advancing in a different direction!

If a person with multiple personalities decides to commit suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?

Arguing with yourself is normal. It's when you argue with yourself and you LOSE that it's weird.

One way to figure out how things work, push all the buttons!

Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: The quick and the dead.

Dream as if you will live forever, Live as if its your last day.

LIFE is too SHORT to WAKE UP in the morning with REGRETS. So LOVE the people who TREAT you RIGHT, FORGET about the ones who DON'T. BELIEVE that EVERYTHING happens for a REASON. If you get a CHANCE, TAKE IT. If it changes your LIFE than LET IT. NOBODY said it'd be EASY, they just PROMISED that it'd be WORTH IT!

The problem with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, but with absolutely no talent. (Hugh Leonard, Irish writer)

Professionals are predictable; it's the amateurs that are dangerous. (Unknown)

We're not lost. We're locationally challenged. (John M. Ford)

Your instincts usually tell you what to do long before your head has figured it out. (Michael Burke)

Prejudice is a great timesaver. It enables you to form opinions without bothering to get facts. (Unknown)

"The most dangerous enemy is that which no one fears." (Angels & Demons by Dan Brown)

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all." (Sam Ewig)

"Now don't you stand for that! If somebody tries to kill you, you try and kill 'em right back!" (Firefly)

Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them? (Abraham Lincoln)

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. (Unknown)

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."(George W Bush)

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."(George W Bush)

Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.

"Your future depends on your dreams." So go to sleep.

"Hard work never killed anybody." But why take the risk? "

The more you learn, the more you know. The more you know, the more you forget.The more you forget, the less you know. So why bother to learn.