![]() Author has written 1 story for Worm. Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it Ten Reasons Why Gay Marriages Are Wrong (A Little Humor) 1. Being gay is not natural. And as you know Americans have always rejected unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning. 2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall. 3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because, as you know, a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract. 4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal. 5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed. The sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed. 6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, menopausal women, women who have a medical condition which makes it harmful to be pregnant, women who have had a tubal ligation, men who have had a vasectomy, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children. 7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children. 8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America. 9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children. 10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans. GO-GAY! I'm sorry, but I really don't see why same-sex relations are a big deal to some. It's an opinion matter, I guess, so I'll leave it be at that! OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing. --20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity-- 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds" 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 8 Don't use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go." 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You Have A Headache. 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom. 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!" 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!" 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go." 20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity... Copy and Paste this into your profile!! (Whee, insanity is FUN) The Atheist Professor vs the Christian Student "LET ME EXPLAIN THE problem science has with Jesus Christ." The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand. "You're a Christian, aren't you, son?" "Yes, sir." "So you believe in God?" "Absolutely." "Is God good?" "Sure! God's good." "Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?" "Yes." "Are you good or evil?" "The Bible says I'm evil." The professor grins knowingly. "Ahh! THE BIBLE!" He considers for a moment. "Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help them? Would you try?" "Yes sir, I would." "So you're good...!" "I wouldn't say that." "Why not say that? You would help a sick and maimed person if you could... in fact most of us would if we could...God doesn't." [No answer.] "He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?" [No answer] The elderly man is sympathetic. "No, you can't, can you?" He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax. In philosophy, you have to go easy with the new ones. "Let's start again, young fella...Is God good?" "Er... Yes." "Is Satan good?" "No." "Where does Satan come from?" The student falters. "From... God..." "That's right. God made Satan, didn't he?" The elderly man runs his bony fingers through his thinning hair and turns to the smirking, student audience. "I think we're going to have a lot of fun this semester, ladies and gentlemen." He turns back to the Christian. "Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?" "Yes, sir." "Evil's everywhere, isn't it? Did God make everything?" "Yes." "Who created evil? [No answer] "Is there sickness in this world? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All the terrible things - do they exist in this world? " The student squirms on his feet. "Yes." "Who created them?" [No answer] The professor suddenly shouts at his student. "WHO CREATED THEM? TELL ME, PLEASE!" The professor closes in for the kill and climbs into the Christian's face. In a still small voice: "God created all evil, didn't He, son?" [No answer] The student tries to hold the steady, experienced gaze and fails. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace the front of the classroom like an aging panther. The class is mesmerized. "Tell me," he continues, "how is it that this God is good if He created all evil throughout all time?" The professor swishes his arms around to encompass the wickedness of the world. "All the hatred, the brutality, all the pain, all the torture, all the death and ugliness and all the suffering created by this good God is all over the world, isn't it, young man?" [No answer] "Don't you see it all over the place? Huh?" [Pause] "Don't you?" The professor leans into the student's face again and whispers, "Is God good?" [No answer] "Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?" The student's voice betrays him and cracks. "Yes, professor. I do." The old man shakes his head sadly. "Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen your Jesus?" "No, sir. I've never seen Him." "Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?" "No, sir. I have not." "Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus...in fact, do you have any sensory perception of your God whatsoever?" [No answer] "Answer me, please." "No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't." "You're AFRAID...you haven't?" "No, sir." "Yet you still believe in him?" "...Yes..." "That takes FAITH!" The professor smiles sagely at the underling. "According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son? Where is your God now?" [The student doesn't answer] "Sit down, please." The Christian sits...Defeated. Copy and paste this in your profile if you think the idea of an all powerful god is preposterous THINGS I MUST NOT DO AT HOGWARTS AGAIN: 1. I will NOT sing “We’re off to see The Wizard” when I am sent to the headmasters office. 2. Dobby is NOT Yoda in disguise. 3. He is NOT Gollum either. 4. I will NOT bring a magic-8-ball to Divination Class. 5. My homework was NOT eaten by a werewolf. Especially when my teacher is Professor Lupin. 6. I will NOT tell the first years to make a tree-house in the Whomping Willow. 7. I will NOT give Lupin a flea collar. 8. Nor will I leave dog-biscuits on his desk. 9. If a classmate falls asleep I will NOT take advantage of this and draw a Dark Mark on their arm. 10. Starting a betting-pool on the fate of this year’s Defence against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky. It is NOT a clever money-making concept. 11. I do NOT have a Dalek Patronus. 12. I will NOT teach House-Elves to impersonate Jar-Jar Binks. 13. Shouting “To Infinity and Beyond!” was only funny the first time I took off on a broom. 14. I will NOT refer to the summoning charm (Accio) as “The Force”. 15. “Springtime for Voldemort” is NOT an proper title for the school production. 16. I will NOT greet Prof. McGonagall with “What’s new Pussy-cat?”. 17. I will NOT send shampoo to Snape’s office, no matter how badly he needs it. 18. "Potter 6, Voldemort 0" is not a valid T-shirt slogan. 19. Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not use guns against the Death Eaters. 20. I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "My Little Pony." 21. No matter how funny it is I will NOT leave kitty litter in Prof. McGonagall’s office. (scratch office, leave it on her desk!?) 22. I will NOT dress up as Lord Voldemort for Halloween. 23. I will NOT ask Harry Potter if his “Scar-Senses” are tingling. 24. I will NOT call Dumbledore Santa Claus. Even if it is Christmas. 25. I will NOT tell Voldemort to “Get a life”. 26. I will NOT tell Draco Malfoy to 'make like a ferret and bounce' 28. I will NOT go around and say that Seamus stole me Lucky Charms. 29. I will NOT joke about Remus Lupin's time of the month. 30. I will NOT wander in the corridors at night under the invisibility cloak singing the Pink Panther theme just to see what Filch does. 31. I will NOT buy Professor McGonagall cat food. 32. 'Ruling the world with an evil army of monkeys' is not a proper career choice. 33. Yelling "I'm Melting!" while in the showers is frowned apon, and it may scare some of the first years 34. The four houses of Hogwarts are: Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. Not the Awesomes, the Morons, the Smarts, and the Mini-Death Eaters. 35. Dumbledore is to be addressed as Headmaster, or Sir. Not as 'Dude', 'Santa', or even 'Dumbles'. 36. Ruling the world with an army of evil flying monkeys is not a proper job choice. 37. I will NOT ask Harry Potter if he knows a good scar removal spell. FRIENDS: Lend you their umbrella FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink. FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa. FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail. FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry. FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number. FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back. FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you. FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing. FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door. FRIENDS:You have to tell them not to tell anyone. FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college. (aka: drinking buddies) FRIENDS: Will comfort you when the guy rejects you FRIENDS: Would ignore this letter FRIENDS: Come over and share an awkward silence for a few minutes. FRIENDS: Will compliment you can Raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid too Can you raed If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile, and add your name to this list: danyan, Zutara Lover, Black'n'red'Butterfly, Enrica, twilightgirl1918, Just A Little Bit Dramatic, Pirates OWNS you, Cripsee, I'll have some stupid cliché, Katie-3llen rideralex, CherubChick92, Glissoning Raven, Aleksandrya Gregonovitch, freakily obsessed Yassen fan, Kopy Kat, leiagreenleafsnape, Darth_In-Training, gokuchiefkarkat I like cheese. I have seen purple cows. If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese, or when two foots are feet, why aren't two footballs feetball? Milk tastes good. People call me crazy, which I am, but I'm also random! If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile! If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile. If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile. If you love FANFICTION.NET, add your name and copy and paste this into your profile. Rainstorm007, mysterys, Adderstar, Glissoning Raven, Aleksandrya Gregonovitch, freakily obsessed Yassen fan, Kopy Kat, leiagreenleafsnape, Darth_In_Training, gokuchiefkarkat If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile. If you talk to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile. Ninety-five percent of children are concerned with being popular and fitting in. if you are part of the five percent who aren't, copy this and put it in your profile If you want world peace, a brighter future, and more chocolate, copy and paste this into your profile. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying 'Damn! That was fun!' For me, crazy is a loose term. Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you just what you find so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour long sob-fest, then start singing and dancing when your favorite song plays. Crazy is when you do or say a totally random thing, like "do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or start having a thumb war with yourself. So if you're crazy, copy this onto your profile. |
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