OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Girls Don't realize these things;

I'm sorry
that I bought you roses
to tell you that I like you

I'm sorry
That I was raised with respect
not to sleep with you when you were drunk

I'm sorry
That my body's not ripped enough
to "satisfy" your wants

I'm sorry
that I open your car door,
and pull out your chair like I was raised

I'm sorry
That I'm not cute enough
to be "your guy"

I'm sorry
That I am actually nice;
not a jerk

I'm sorry
I don't have a huge bank account
to buy you expensive things

I'm sorry
I like to spend quality nights at home
cuddling with you, instead of at a club

I'm sorry
I would rather make love to you then just screw you
like some random guy.

I'm sorry
That I am always the one you need to talk to,
but never good enough to date

I'm sorry
That I always held your hair back when you threw up, and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car,
but when we went out you went home with another guy

I'm sorry
That I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere,
but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend

I'm sorry
If I start not being there because it hurts being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around

I'm sorry
If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work

I'm sorry
that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.

I'm sorry
If you read this and know somebody like this
but don't care

But most of all

I'm sorry
For not being sorry anymore

I'm sorry
That you can't accept me for who I am

I'm sorry
I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good
enough to make it in your world.

I'm sorry
I caught your boyfriend with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for...

I'm sorry
That I told you I loved you and actually meant it.

I'm sorry
That I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your boyfriend was threatening you instead of spending time with my family.

I'm Sorry
That I cared

I'm sorry
that I listen to you at night talking about how you wish you could have done something different.

Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies, next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?"
Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you.

If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, copy and paste into your profile as 'I'm sorry'

If You're one of the FEW girls with enough BALLS to copy and paste this into your profile, and you would never make your guy feel this way, copy and paste into your profile as 'Girls Don't Realize These Things'

25 reasons I owe my mother

1) My mother taught me to apprieciate a good job done
If your going to kill each other go outside, I just cleaned up

2) My mother taught me Religion
You'd better pray that comes out of the carpet

3) My mother taught me about time travel
If you dont straighten up, I'lll knock you into next week

4) My mother taught me logic
Because I said so, thats why

5) My mother taught me more logic
If you fall out of that tree and break your neck you can't come to the store with me

6) My mother taught me foresight
Make sure you wear clean underwear in case your in an accident.

7) My mother taught me irony
Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about

8) My mother taught me about the science of osmosis
Shut your mouth and eat your supper

9) My mother taught me about the weather
That room of yours looks like a tornado went through it

10) My mother taught me about contortionism
Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck

11) My mother taught me about stamina
You will sit there until all that spinach is gone

12) My mother taught me about hypocrisy
I've told you once, i've told you a million times, don't exaggerate

13) My mother taught me about the circle of life
I brought you into this world and I can take you out

14) My mother taught me about behavior modification
Stop acting like your father

15) My mother taught me about envy
There are millions of children in the world who don't have great parents like you do

16) My mother taught me about anticipation
Just wait until we get home

17) My mother taught me medical science
If you don't stop crossing your eyes their going to freeze that way

18) My mother taught me about recieving
You're going to get it when we get home

19) My mother taught me about Esp
Put your sweater on, don't you think I know when your cold

20) My mother taught me about humor
When that lawnmower cuts off your toes don't come crying to me

21) My mother taught me genetics
Your just like your father

22) My mother taught me how to grow up
If you don't eat your vegetables you'll never grow up

23) My mother taught me about my roots
Shut the door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?

24) My mother taught me about wisdom
When you get to be my age you'll understand

25) My mother taught me about REVENGE
One day you'll have kids and I hope they're just like you

What a Boyfriend SHOULD do:

When she walks away from you mad, follow her
When she stares at your mouth, kiss her
When she pushes you or hits you, grab her and don’t let go
When she starts cussing at you, kiss her and tell her you love her
When she's quiet, she's thinking of how to say I love you.
When she ignores you, give her your attention
When she pulls away, pull her back
When you see her at her worst, tell her she's beautiful
When you see her start crying, just hold her and don’t say a word
When you see her walking, sneak up and hug her waist from behind
When she's scared, protect her
When she lays her head on your shoulder, tilt her head up and kiss her
When she steals your favorite hat, let her keep it and sleep with it for a night
When she teases you, tease her back and make her laugh
When she doesn’t answer for a long time, reassure her that everything is okay
When she looks at you with doubt, back yourself up
When she says that she likes you, she really does more than you could understand
When she grabs at your hands, hold hers and play with her fingers
When she bumps into you, bump into her back and make her laugh
When she tells you a secret, keep it safe and untold
When she looks at you in your eyes, don’t look away until she does
When she misses you, she's hurting inside
When you break her heart, the pain never really goes away
When she says its over, she still wants you to be hers
When she repost this bulletin, she wants you to read it
Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything
When she's mad, hug her tight and don't let go
When she says she's OK, don’t believe it, talk with her, because 10 yrs later she'll remember you
Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her, call her before you sleep and after you wake up
Treat her like she's all that matters to you
Tease her and let her tease you back
Stay up all night with her when she's sick
Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid
Give her the world, let her wear your clothes
When she's bored and sad, hang out with her, let her know she's important
Kiss her in the pouring rain
When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is; "Whose ass am I kicking babe?"

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste.

If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, add this to your profile.

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile.

If you find yourself making fanfictions of other fanfictions in your head, post this in your profile.

If you have an increasingly sophisticated and extensive vocabulary, situate this in your characterization.

If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile.

If you read Maximum Ride School's Out - Forever in under 5 hours copy this into your profile.

If you have inside jokes...with yourself...copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have/ wish you had a dog, and wish he could talk like Total, copy this onto your profile.

If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you absolutely KILLED yourself laughing when Gazzy said "'I vill now destroy de Snickurs bahrs!' then copy this to your profile!

If you’ve ever made faces in front of a security camera then paste this in your profile.

If you think that the kids should stop chasing Lucky and leave the leprechaun alone, then copy and paste this into your profile.

If someone has ever asked you what Maximum Ride is about, and they give you a look that says, do-I-really-hang-out with you? copy and paste this on your profile.

If you think those stupid kids should just give the rabbit the freaking Trix, copy this into your profile.

If you've ever run down an "up" escalator, paste this onto your profile.

The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.

The Final Exam

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time - however, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation.

"Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written:
(For 95 points): Which tire?

ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS:

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fing way Paper can beat Rock.

Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college-ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that shut up in 2 seconds. When I play rock, paper, scissors I always choose rock...

So then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say "Oh st I'm sorry I thought your paper would protect you, ahole!"

"A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on shotgun? Now how does this work? What's the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he's got your gun too! "
-- Jay Leno

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you."

Controversial Issues:

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans...

Re-post this if you believe in legalizing gay marriage

"That was so terrible I think you gave me cancer!" Calculon - Futurama

"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." Winston Churchill

"Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much." Oscar Wilde

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car." Unknown

“I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: ‘Cover for me.’ Number 2: ‘Oh, good idea, Boss!’ Number 3: ‘It was like that when I got here.’” Homer Simpson - The Simpsons

“Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry? Do they?" Sideshow Bob - The Simpsons

"Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together." Carl Zwanzig

"The object of war is not to die for your country, it's to make the other bastard die for his." General George S. Patton

“This job would be great if it wasn’t for the fucking customers” Randal Graves - Clerks

"Guns don't kill people... but they sure help."

“There’s only two men I trust. One of ‘em’s me, the other one’s not you” Cameron Poe - Con Air

"If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?" Scott Adams

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." George W. Bush

"Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?" Jay - Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

"That's what the Internet is for! Slandering others anonymously."

"Fighting fair is for people that don't know how to avoid losing correctly."

"I don't drink from the fountain of wisdom, I gargle."

"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"

"I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm." - George Carlin

"A fighter with lesser skill can knock out a man in one punch, but a regular person can make a skilled fighter cry like a girl with a single bullet."

"No technology is worth my dignity. If talking on a wireless headset means I gotta look like Buck Rogers, then I'm not interested. Besides, there's a reason why people hold a phone to their head! It lets people around you know your talking on the phone. So those people know not to waste time talking to you until you finish, which you then indicate, by putting that mothafucka away!" Gin Rummy - The Boondocks (And my thoughts on that stupid fucking bluetooth kick that 85% of this country was on a few years ago)

"If at first you don't succeed, deny that you were really trying in the first place."

"If you get glitter on you prepare to have it on you forever, because glitter is the herpes of craft supplies." Dimitri Martin

"Keep your expectations low. If you expect a kick in the balls, but get a slap in the face, then it's a victory."

"I've got half a mind to kill you, and the other half agrees."

"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose."

"You never want to be in a fair fight if an unfair fight is an option." Forrest Griffin - Be Ready When The Sh*t Goes Down (A Survival Guide To The Apocalypse)

"Cheating: The Plan B of winners for over 2000 years."

"Right leg: hospital, left leg: cemetery." Mirko "Cro Cop" Filipovic (For those that do not understand you need to go to Youtube)

"The thing you should be thinking about isn't whether or not I can actually kill you with the nail clippers, it should be the fact that whether I can or not is irrelevant. No matter if I can or not, you know full well that I'm going to try, and that more than anything else should scare the hell out of you for more than one reason and answer your question right there." Me - Taken verbatim from my younger brother questioning my sanity after pissing me off in my bedroom post-shower and I took to threatening him with aforementioned grooming device.

"And that's the moral of the story. Some niggas need to go jail! I may be in hell, but at least I ain't in jail, nigga! (laughs maniacally)" Colonel H. Stinkmeaner - The Boondocks

"We are not retreating -- We are advancing in another direction." General Douglas MacArthur

"Bullets... my only weakness. How did you know?" Officer Palumbo - Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle

"Grammar is important. Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

"There's a very fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life."

"I don't understand a word you're going on about, but I know exactly what you're saying and I refuse to apologize."

"Nope, no matter how bad things seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it, Nancy. Quit yer bitching."

"I have a first place ribbon in doing nothing, it's the same color as last place... It's purple."

"Women are like Voltron, the more you hook up the better it gets."

"There's no 'I' in team." "Oh yeah! Well there's no "you" in "team" either! So I guess if I'm not on the team and you're not on the team, then nobody's on the goddamn team. The team sucks!"

Caboose: "Hey Church, ever wonder why we're here?"

Church: "You know, Caboose, I used to not care. I just went along with orders and hoped that everything would work out for me. But after all that has happened, you know what I learned? It's not about hating the guy on the other side because someone told you to. I mean, you should hate someone because they're an asshole, or pervert, or snob, or they're lazy, or arrogant, or an idiot, or a know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to. You have to learn to despise them on a personal level. Not because they're Red, or Blue, but because you know them, and you see them every single day, and you can't stand them because they are a complete and total fucking douchebag."

Caboose: "...I meant why are we up here in the sun when we could be standing down there in the shade."

Church: "Oh. Yeah, okay. Let's go stand in the shade." - Red vs. Blue

"Hey, this is Carl, and yeah, I'm plenty pissed...at God for forsaking Kurt Warner in my time of need when he was a New York football Giant. And now He's working in completely mysterious and retarded ways by letting the Cardinals play in the Super Bowl. Listen, the state of Arizona is only good for one thing: testing A-bombs so the people from the good states don't get hurt. Pittsburgh's gonna be up by 24 before O-Town can say "My country, 'tis of thee," but I'm gonna give all you party bookies some Super Dull XLIII over/unders to keep your guests from killing themselves before halftime:

"Yep, hand to hand combat is the old school way to kill your enemies. Killing a man with your bare hands says 'We're all equals as men except I'm slightly more equal because I'm still alive and your dead.' Of course dropping a nuke on them from 50 thousand feet is totally acceptable. I mean let's face it, there just not enough time in this world to show everybody the courtesy of a good strangling."

"Shotgun to the face is a great contingency plan! Wanna see how it cures insubordination?" Sarge - Red vs. Blue

"You must not fight too often with one enemy, or you will teach him all your tricks of war." - Napoleon Bonaparte

"Do you know why Americans love guns? And it's got nothing to do with all that phallic mumbo-jumbo, "cocking your gun." No, Hertz, people love guns because America is a land of opportunity where a poor man can become rich and a pussy can become a tough guy if he's got a gun in his hand." Mr. Hammerson - Shoot 'Em Up

"You know what I really hate? What I really hate, is a pussy with a gun in his hand." Mr. Smith - Shoot 'Em Up

"Fruit don't talk... Fruit just listens... and waits." Earlie Cuyler - Squidbillies

"Okay I'm going to be completely serious with you... There's every chance in the world I was drunk when I said that."

"Sarcasm is a body's natural defense against stupid."

"You should never avert your eyes from death, never look away from the lives you have taken. And you should never forget the people that you have killed, because I can assure you they will never forget you." Solf J. Kimblee - Fullmetal Alchemist

"Bed is for sissies, unless you're having sex in which case... yeah, bed is still for sissies." Gregory House - House

"I've run over black cats that were luckier than me."

"Thank God I wore underwear today." Derek Zoolander - Zoolander

"Sometimes I need what only you can provide... your absence." Unknown

"I'm so miserable without you it's like you're right there with me." Unknown

"I'm not bi-polar, I'm bi-winning. I win here and I win there." Charlie Sheen

"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." Charlie Sheen

"A.A. was written for normal people, people that aren't special. People that don't have tiger blood, you know, Adonis-DNA." Charlie Sheen

"Dying is for fools... amateurs." Charlie Sheen

"C.B.S. picked a fight with a warlock." Charlie Sheen

"If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you'd be like, 'Dude! I can't handle it, unplug this bastard!' It fires in a way that's maybe not from this, uh... this terrestrial realm." Charlie Sheen

"I'm tired of pretending I'm not special. I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars." Charlie Sheen... and now me.

"Experience isn't something you get until right after you need it."

"I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money."

"Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."

"I'm a peaceful man with bad intentions."

"There's a new sheriff in town... and he has an army of assassins."

"I just had a brainstorm." "I wasn't aware storms could exist in a vacuum."

"I wake up in the morning and piss excellence."

Fit Tony: "That's why I keep my friends close-."

Homer Simpson: "-And your enemies closer?"

Fit Tony: "No. Why would I do that? If they were close they would kill me."

"Just because you sold seven million albums doesn’t mean you’re talented. It just means that there are seven million people that are stupid as hell." Phil 'CM Punk' Brooks

"Do you know what it's like going through life being better than everybody? It's hard."

"If it doesn't kill you, use it and kill somebody else..."

"I want a shirt that just says "f* you" on it, and I want to wear it while walking through airports all day. There's no such thing as a bad word, just bad intentions."

"I've been imitated so well I've heard people copy my mistakes." Jimi Hendrix

"If anything in this life is certain, if history has taught us anything; it is that you can kill anyone." Michael Corleone - The Godfather: Part II

"You cannot achieve success, without the risk of failure. And I learned a long time ago, you cannot achieve success, if you fear failure. If you're not afraid to fail, man, you have a chance to succeed. But you're never gonna get there unless you risk it all the way. I was a failure. Sometimes, half the fun is failing. Learning from your mistakes, waking up the next morning, and saying 'Okay. Watch out. Here I come again. A little bit smarter, licking my wounds, and really not looking forward to getting my ass kicked the way I just did yesterday.' So now, I'm just a little more dangerous." Paul Heyman

"That man [Batman] won't quit so long as he can draw breath. None of my teammates will. Me? I've got a different problem. [Punches Darkseid through the wall] I feel like I live in a world made of cardboard. Always taking care not to break something, to break someone. Never allowing myself to lose control, even for a moment, or someone could die. [Punches Darkseid again] But you can take it, can't you, big man? What we have here is a rare opportunity for me to cut loose, and show you just how powerful I really am." Superman just before uncorking an assbeating of a lifetime on Darkseid, reaffirming that he is indeed a bad mother f'er - Justice League Unlimited

"Show me a man with a combover and I'll show you a man that believes that by crushing a bag of chips... you make more chips." Sheng Wang

"My plans always work! ...Sometimes!"

"Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said... 'I'm too drunk to taste this chicken.'" Ricky Bobby - Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

"If animals have taught me anything it's that you can die very quickly and very suddenly under a bus or on the side of the road." Charlie - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

"I found that if you have a goal, you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya... it feels phenomenal." Peter La Fleur - Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story

"Saying you're a history major out loud is basically just the same thing as telling your friends, 'Yes, I do remember every dumbass thing you've ever done in front of me, and I can bring it up accurately whenever I want, so don't start.' I love it, but there's not a whole lot of good job options available for it. What the hell am I going to do, teach? I'm way too hateful to teach kids." Kenchi618 - Me at Buffalo Wild Wings after being asked by friends why I try to major in communications instead of the other thing that I'm good at

"Live every week like it's Shark Week." Tracy Jordan - 30 Rock

"I am finished doing what I swore an oath to God 28 years ago to never do again. I've created, 'something that kills people.' And in that purpose, I was a success. I've done this because, philosophically, I am sympathetic to your aim. I can tell you with no ego, this is my finest sword. If on your journey, you should encounter God, God will be cut." Hattori Hanzo - Kill Bill Vol.1

("Money doesn't buy happiness.") Rebuttal: "...Have you ever tried not having money before?"

"You know who's going to inherit the earth? Arms dealers. Because everyone else is too busy killing each other. That's the secret to survival. Never go to war, especially with yourself." Yuri Orlov - Lord or War

"Ambition is the willingness to kill the thing you love and eat them to stay alive." Jack Donaghy - 30 Rock

"There are only three kinds of people in this world; those who can count and those who can't."

If a girl and a guy are not officially dating then it can't be considered cheating. However...if the guy cheats with a girl that is less attractive to the one he is originally interested in then he is either... A) Drunk or B) Dumbass. This then gives the original girl the right to either get mad or laugh at you.

When a man is borrowing a buddies tool or other equipment, if the borrower puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticeable wear, then he is required to do one of the following: If the item costs under 50 bucks, you are required to replace it. If the item costs over 50 bucks, you are required to give him a case of beer, because hey...who wants to spend more than 50 bucks on something that isn't yours.

When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside, and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view. Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there. The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun. If a legitimate confrontation comes up where the rightful owner of the shotgun can not be determined then it will be decided by one round of paper rock scissors (with no shoot). If the two contenders tie 5 times in a row then the rightful owner of the shotgun is to be decided by a UFC cage match in which the first blood drawn decides the rightful owner of shotgun.If at any point during the process of determining the shotgun rider a hot girl hints that she would like to sit up front the driver has the sole right to declare her the shotgun rider and depending upon the situation may even deny rides to all other passengers. However, if said hot girl is an ex of any passenger they may overrule the driver's decision and make her ride in the back. Additionally, if all passengers happen to be female then revert back to original method of deciding shotgun rider substituting mud wrestling for UFC cage match. The winner then gets either a cold water hose down or shotgun the next ride unless the car is really shitty and the owner doesn’t care about muddy seats.

It is PAPER, ROCK, and SCISSORS with no shoot. If you must say shoot, it has to be agreed upon by both men and a witness has to be present and somewhat sober.

In the court of Man Law the statement "I was Drunk" will have the same effect as an insanity plea (reduced punishment) in standard court provided the defendant's blood alcohol level exceeds .10.

If any male is caught violating a Man Law in serious context, as a form of punishment he should be disowned of his manly name, only to receive the title of "Manbitch" from his peers and colleagues. Forgiveness is pending the severity of the broken law...or a case of beer to all his offended peers as a token of respect to what is manly...and what is not.

No more crushing of empty beer cans or your forehead. Modern, thinner cans make the feat less impressive than with cans of years past.

If you take beer to a party the tuck rule is in play when leaving, you may take one beer max, but only if the beer will fit in your pocket.

All men have the right to remain silent when asked by a woman "do you like this". And the right to leave the room

Grilling, regardless of weather, is always the first choice for cooking.

No man shall ever turn down free beer because "it’s not their brand."

No man shall be shamed if they are passed out with their shoes off in your place. If the person passes out outside of the house, then they are fair game shoes or not.

The morning after, if a beer has been left on the table, no matter the temperature, it is acceptable to consume this item with food, such as its counterpart, cold pizza.

If you spill a man’s beer, you buy the next round/refill the cup.

Nursing a beer is unacceptable. The bottle/can/cup should never reach lukewarm temperature with beer still in it. If you can’t drink it in said time, don’t open it. If you can’t drink it in said time, your man status will be up for review.

Always accept beer from a stranger, but only if unopened/capped.

It is never a man’s responsibility to empty the trash while drinking. Beer cans may be staked or crushed while the bottles may be thrown into neighbour’s lawn.

A man does not have to like another man to drink his beer. Beer is beer.

No man may ever sell a beer to a friend. It’s understood that said friend will repay beer with beer later. Under no circumstance may the replacement beer be of a lesser quality.

A man purse is still a purse.

No man shall bring a woman to the guy’s night out. This is punishable by verbal abuse for life.

If you do not sweat, it’s not a sport. (People sweat during Beer Pong.)

If a large snake catches a man off guard and bites, said man is allowed to scream once.

No two men are allowed to enter a revolving door together. Unless it involves a race were the winner receives a combination of the following: beer, food, sex.

The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want" gets an Xbox. End of story.

Keeping beer from other's by hiding it in the fridge is not permissible. Besides, sharing is caring.

Wives and girlfriends may not store items other than beer in the garage fridge. It is for beer only.

A man may publicly rebuke another man only if the first man has the man law and number memorized. Otherwise the rebuke must be in private. Furthermore, any man who has the man laws memorized will be deemed a "higher" man.

There are three reasons for which a man is allowed to cry.

1. He is hit in the genitals with anything traveling over 10mph.

2. Your date is using her teeth.

3. Anna Kournikova gets married (female’s identity is subject to change depending on time period Man Law is read).

When watching a "catfight" it is perfectly acceptable to choose sides. It is also perfectly acceptable to pray for rippage of clothing.

No man under any circumstances should have to explain the use of a power tool to another man.

Never should man give a woman the credit card. No exceptions.

No man shall ever read an instruction manual. If the man does not know how to use the item trial and error shall be used until the correct function is determined.

When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".

You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!" (Exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)

A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.

You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.