Author has written 10 stories for Harry Potter, Supernatural, and Twilight.
One day I aspire to be a mother and one of my hobbies is to write, which of course, is one of the reasons why I am on this site, that and the fact that I love to watch movies, TV shows and read books, and then write stories about them. Mostly I just read and most of the time I'm terribly boring, but that's my opinion, you can think of me what you want. As for my dream job, I don't have one yet, well I haven't decided on one. There's so many to choose from, I'm not sure which I want. But I know I want my job that's centered around history, that's for sure (my favorite subject). My favorite color is blue (just a random fact). I'm incredibly shy, so don't expect me to come to you. I have trouble talking with people, it's a fault of mine, among the many other faults I have. I am not entirely new to this website, however, I am entirely new at writing for this website. So any tips or comments to help with my writing would be much appreciated.
My Fav HP Characters:
Harry Potter
Sirius Black
Hermione Granger
Remus Lupin
Fred and George Weasley
Ginny Weasley
Lily & James Potter
Ron Weasley ...ETC.
101 Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW,
especially thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I
think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what
happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off
and turn the volumes to “10″.
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen
you in so long!…” etc. See if they play along to avoid
embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask
yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who BUYS this junk,
anyway?”
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re
taking it for a “test drive.”
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about
five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the
department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store
as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look
mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!”
20. Put M&M’s on layaway.
21. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll
only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from
the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around
saying,”…I’m Batman. Come, Robin, to the Batcave!”
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello”
upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask,
“Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
30. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired
employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any
Shnerples here?”
31. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale
battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
32. Take bets on the battle described above.
33. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
34. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
“Mission: Impossible.”
35. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while
squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him ” I
need some tampons!!”
36. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.
37. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to
your Twinkies?”
41. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: “Marco Polo.”
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet
food aisle, etc.
44. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics.
45. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the
restrooms
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at
something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker,
assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those
voices again!”
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and
relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain
that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little
umbrella in it.
51. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice
possible “sex and candy”
52. Try putting different pairs of women’s panties on your
head and walk around the store casually.
53. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the
mannequins.
54. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
55. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run
between them, yelling, “Red Rover!”
56. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror
while you pick your nose.
57. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes.
(Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!)
58. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly
ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act
as spastic as possible.
59. While no one’s watching quickly switch the men’s and
women’s signs on the doors of the rest room.
60. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch
everyone’s jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
61. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with
various funnels.
62. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse
through, say things like “the fat man walks alone,” and scare
them into believing that the clothes are talking to them
63. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you
and get into a very serious conversation. Ex: The person is
breaking up with you and you begin crying “How could you
do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was
another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME
darling.” Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto
the ground screaming and having convulsions.
64. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people
out.
65. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and
begin stroking it lovingly, saying “Good girl, good bessie.”
66. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of
shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the
boxes and throw it in various aisles.
67. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
68. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every
perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another
girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way.
“hi!! (giggle) What’s your sign?(giggle).” When the boy
shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way.
“hi!! (giggle) What’s your sign?(giggle).”
69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples
carts when they don’t realize it!
70. Walk around the perfume department with a bottle of
super strong perfume and spray people as they walk by. Lean
in and sniff them then jump back and wave your hand in front
of your nose and saying “Oh god, your over powering the
perfume!!”
71. Hit on the elderly.
72. Hit on 5 year olds.
73. In the food aisle, pretend like there’s a little bug, slowly
move your head to the right, then swing your head to the left
as if your trying to follow it. Slowly lower your head to the
ground, then start spinning around in circles stomping like
crazy. Then finally yell out “Yes!! I got it!! Wow, that was
the biggest Cockrouch I’ve ever seen, i think it was pregnant!!
Hey look, there’s another one!!” Then Repeat.
74. Repeat 73 with a can of bug spray.
75. Crawl around on the ground and pretend that your a cat.
Meow when people walk by, rub up against their legs, etc.
76. Ride around on those electric cars and pretend that your a
prissy English Man. Say things like “Cheerio, good man.” to
people who walk by. And don’t forget to have perfect posture.
77. Start grunting like Beavis and Butthead while chasing your
friends up and down aisles trying to run over them with those
electric cars. Make sure to tell your friends to act like they
don’t know you.
78. Spend all your money riding on those little rides for
toddlers. Fit the character; if your on a hoarse, then pretend
that your a cowboy, etc.. And If a little kid comes over
wanting to use it, start barking at them until
they run away crying.
79. Have silly string fights with a friend. Hide behind
customers and “accidentally” hit the people instead of your
friend.
80. Excesively use anything thing that says “Try Me”.
81. Start pocketing any and all free samples.
82. Draw mustaches on all the pictures and mannequins.
82. Walk up to the customer service and when they say
“Hello, how may I help you?” say “Yes, I’ll have a Quarter
Pounder with cheese, one strawberry shake, a large order of
french fries and a diet coke.” And when they start to talk, say
“Oh, to go”. Then when they say that they can’t give it to you
say “Oh, This is because I’m gay isn’t it? I’d expect this from
Caldors, but not Walmart. People who are gay are just like
everyone else your know. You digust me” Then walk away
mumbling to yourself. If your a guy, try to act as valley- girl-
like as you can
83. Start to madly scratch yourself and walk up to people
asking where the rash cream is because your family and all
your friends seem to have a rash too.
84. When your alone, have loud conversations with your
“multiple personalities”. Have an English man, a Southern
person, someone from New York, a Grandma, and a 5 year old
girl all at the same time. You have to use accents. They should
sound like this: “Great idea good fellow, we shall have a jolly
good time.(English)” “Look, oall I wanna do, is wok ta
Stawbucks and git a cawfee(New York)” Etc.
85. Start “dancing” like mad. Basically, just wail your arms
and legs around like your having some kind of massive
seizure.
86. Try on crazy costumes and walk casually through the
store.
87. Stick your arm in your jacket and suspiciously start to
leave the store. Get really tense and start to lean over as your
walking through the doors As if your suspecting the alarms to
go off. Then when it doesn’t go off, let out a big sigh. Then
quickly look around you to see who’s watching and run away
as fast as your can.
88. Balance EVERYTHING you see on the tips of your finger,
your nose, your forehead, and the top of your head while
singing the circus song.
89. Put jockstraps in the lingerie department
90. Put lingerie in the men’s department.
91. Put super sexy lingerie in old men’s carts when they turn
around.
92. When your alone, start screaming help and yelling that
someone istrying to rape you. Then when everyone runs over,
start crying and saying “All I ever wanted was a little
attention” Then run away crying.
93. Spend hours staring at a little blinking light. After a while,
start saying blink everytime it blinks. Don’t look away, just
stay mesmerized.
94. Walk up to a lady and calmly say “Help me. The voices in
my head are telling me to do naughty things.” Then clap your
hands over your ears, fly yell head around and start screaming
“NO!! I DON’T WANT TO HURT THE NICE LADY NO
NO NO NO!!” Then suddenly stop, look her straight in the
eyes, and Calmly say “I…will start…a fire…” The pull out a
zippo and start laughing hysterically in an evil way. But don’t
light the zippo, just hold it closed.
95. Light a match under a spinkler.
96. Walk up to someone and say “Oh, so your back for more. I
warned you never to come back here. Wait here while i go get
my shot gun”. Then walk away.
97. Walk up to a guy and say “Oh my god, is it you? Oh my
god it is!! I haven’t seen you in so long!!” Then kiss him.
Then slap and him say “Why didn’t you ever call me??” Then
walk away. Much more affective if you’re a guy.
98. Stand next to a maniquin and pretend that your a
mannequin. Try to hold the same position for as long as
possible. Then finally as someone is walking by, check your
watch and say. “Finally, my shift is done. I really don’t get
paid enough to do this”
99. Start singing oldies songs in to megaphone.
100. Act like your about to cry and ask people “Have you seen
my mommy?”
101. Steal a Walmart shirt. The possibilities are endless.
BONUS Attempt all of the above during the same visit.
The Wrong Funeral
Consumed by my loss, I didn’t notice the hardness of the pew where I sat. I was at the funeral of my dearest friend – my mother. She finally had lost her long battle with cancer. The hurt was so intense, I found it hard to breathe at times.
Always supportive, Mother clapped loudest at my school plays, held a box of tissues while listening to my first heartbreak, comforted me at my father’s death, encouraged me in college, and prayed for me my entire life.
When Mother’s illness was diagnosed, my sister had a new baby and my brother had recently married his childhood sweetheart, so it fell on me, the 27-year-old middle child without entanglements, to take care of her. I counted it an honor.
“What now, Lord?” I asked sitting in church. My life stretched out before me as an empty abyss. My brother sat stoically with his face toward the cross while clutching his wife’s hand. My sister sat slumped against her husband’s shoulder, his arms around her as she cradled their child. All so deeply grieving, no one noticed I sat alone. My place had been with our mother, preparing her meals, helping her walk, taking her to the doctor, seeing to her medication, reading the Bible together. Now she was with the Lord. My work was finished, and I was alone.
I heard a door open and slam shut at the back of the church. Quick footsteps hurried along the carpeted floor. An exasperated young man looked around briefly and then sat next to me. He folded his hands and placed them on his lap. His eyes were brimming with tears. He began to sniffle.
“I’m late,” he explained, though no explanation was necessary. After several eulogies, he leaned over and commented, “Why do they keep calling Mary by the name of ‘Margaret’?
“0h, because that was her name, Margaret. Never Mary. No one called her ‘Mary,’” I whispered. I wondered why this person couldn’t have sat on the other side ofthe church. He interrupted my grieving with his tears and fidgeting. Who was this stranger anyway?
“No, that isn’t correct,” he insisted, as several people glanced over at us whispering, “Her name is Mary, Mary Peters.”
“That isn’t who this is, I replied..”
“Isn’t this the Lutheran church?”
“No, the Lutheran church is across the street.”
“Oh.”
“I believe you’re at the wrong funeral, Sir.”
The solemnness of the occasion mixed with the realization of the man’s mistake bubbled up inside me and came out as laughter. I cupped my handsover my face, hoping it would be interpreted as sobs. The creaking pew gave me away. Sharp looks from other mourners only made the situation seem more hilarious. I peeked at the bewildered, misguided man seated beside me. He was laughing, too, as he glanced around, deciding it was too late for an uneventful exit. I imagined Mother laughing.
At the final “Amen,” we darted out a door and into the parking lot. “I do believe we’ll be the talk of the town,” he smiled. He said his name was Rick and since he had missed his aunt’s funeral, asked me out for a cup of coffee.
That afternoon began a lifelong journey for me with this man who attended the wrong funeral, but was in the right place. A year after our meeting, we were married at a country church where he was the assistant pastor. This time we both arrived at the same church, right on time.
In my time of sorrow, God gave me laughter. In place of loneliness, God gave me love. This past June we celebrated our twenty-second wedding anniversary.
Whenever anyone asks us how we met, Rick tells them, “Her mother and my Aunt Mary introduced us, and it’s truly a match made in heaven.”
Jesus said, “if you are ashamed of me,” I will be ashamed of you before my Father.” If you’re not ashamed Pass this on . . . only if you mean it.
Yes, I do Love God. He is my source of existence and Savior. He keeps me functioning each and everyday. Without Him, I would be nothing. Without him, I am nothing, but with Him I can do all things, through Christ that strengthens me. Phil 4:13
Birth Month and Your Personality
THE MONTH YOU WERE BORN
JANUARY
Ambitious and serious
Loves to teach and be taught
Always looking at people’s flaws and
weaknesses
Likes to criticise
Hardworking and productive
Smart, neat and organised
Sensitive and has deep thoughts
Knows how to make others happy
Quiet unless excited or tensed
Rather reserved
Highly attentive
Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds
Romantic but has difficulties expressing love
Loves children
Homely person
Loyal
Needs to improve social abilities
Easily jealous
FEBRUARY
Abstract thoughts
Loves reality and abstract
Intelligent and clever
Changing personality
Temperamental
Quiet, shy and humble
Low self esteem
Honest and loyal
Determined to reach goals
Loves freedom
Rebellious when restricted
Loves aggressiveness
Too sensitive and easily hurt
Showing anger easily
Dislike unnecessary things
Loves making friends but rarely shows it
Daring and stubborn
Ambitious
Realising dreams and hopes
Sharp
Loves entertainment and leisure
Romantic on the inside not outside
Supersticious and ludicrous
Spendthrift
Learns to show emotions
MARCH
Attractive personality
Affectionate
Shy and reserved
Secretive
Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic
Loves peace and serenity
Sensitive to others
Loves to serve others
Not easily angered
Trustworthy
Appreciative and returns kindness
Observant and assess others
Revengeful
Loves to dream and fantasize
Loves travelling
Loves attention
Hasty decisions in choosing partners
Loves home decors
Musically talented
Loves special things
Moody
APRIL
Active and dynamic
Desicive and haste but tends to regret
Attractive and affectionate to oneself
Strong mentality
Loves attention
Diplomatic
Consoling
Friendly and solves people’s problems
Brave and fearless
Adventurous
Loving and caring
Suave and generous
Emotional
Revengeful
Agressive
Hasty
Good memory
Moving
Motivate oneself and the others
Sickness usually of the head and chest
Easily get too jealous
MAY
Stubborn and hard-hearted
Strong-willed and highly motivated
Sharp thoughts
Easily angered
Attracts others and loves attention
Deep feelings
Beautiful physically and mentally
Firm standpoint
Easily influenced
Needs no motivation
Easily consoled
Systematic (left brain)
Loves to dream
Strong clairvoyance
Understanding
Sickness usually in the ear and neck
Good imagination
Good debating skills
Good physical
Weak breathing
Loves literature and the arts
Loves travelling
Dislike being at home
Restless
Not having many children
Hardworking
High spirited
Spendthrift
JUNE
Thinks far with vision
Easily influenced by kindness
Polite and soft-spoken
Having lots of ideas
Sensitive
Active mind
Hesitating
Tends to delay
Choosy and always wants the best
Temperamental
Funny and humorous
Loves to joke
Good debating skills
Talkative
Daydreamer
Friendly
Knows how to make friends
Abiding
Able to show character
Easily hurt
Prone to getting colds
Loves to dress up
Easily bored
Fussy
Seldom show emotions
Takes time to recover when hurt
Brand conscious
Executive
Stubborn
Those who loves me are enemies
Those who hates me are friends
JULY
Fun to be with
Secretive
Difficult to fathom and to be understood
Quiet unless excited or tensed
Takes pride in oneself
Has reputation
Easily consoled
Honest
Concern about people’s feelings
Tactful
Friendly
Approachable
Very emotional
Temperamental and unpredictable
Moody and easily hurt
Witty and sarky
Sentimental
Not revengeful
Forgiving but never forgets
Dislike nonsensical and unnecessary things
Guides others physically and mentally
Sensitive and forms impressions carefully
Caring and loving
Treats others equally
Strong sense of sympathy
Wary and sharp
Judge people through observations
Hardworking
No difficulties in studying
Loves to be alone
Always broods about the past and the old friends
Likes to be quiet
Homely person
Waits for friends
Never looks for friends
Not aggressive unless provoked
Prone to having stomach and dieting problems
Loves to be loved
Easily hurt but takes long to recover
Overly concerned
Puts in effort in work
AUGUST
Loves to joke
Attractive
Suave and caring
Brave and fearless
Firm and has leadership qualities
Knows how to console others
Too generous and egoistic
Taked high pride of oneself
Thirsty for praises
Extraodinary spirit
Easily angered
Angry when provoked
Easily jealous
Observant
Careful and cautious
Thinks quickly
Independent thoughts
Loves to lead and to be led
Loves to dream
Talented in the arts, music and defence
Sensitive but not petty
Poor resistance against illnesses
Learns to relax
Hasty and rushy
Romantic
Loving and caring
Loves to make friends
SEPTEMBER (Mine)
Suave and compromising
Careful, cautious and organised
Likes to point out people’s mistakes (NOT TRUE)
Quiet but able to talk well
Calm and cool
Kind and sympathetic
Concerned and detailed
Trustworthy, loyal and honest
Does work well
Sensitive
Thinking
Good memory
Clever and knowledgeable
Loves to look for information
Must control oneself when criticising
Able to motivate oneself
Understanding
Secretive
Loves sports, leisure and travelling
Hardly shows emotions
Tends to bottle up feelings
Choosy especially in relationships
Loves wide things
Systematic
OCTOBER
Loves to chat
Loves those who loves him
Loves to takes things at the centre
Attractive and suave
Inner and physical beauty
Does not lie or pretend
Sympathetic
Treats friends importantly
Always making friends
Easily hurt but recovers easily
Bad tempered
Selfish Seldom helps unless asked
Daydreamer
Very opinionated
Does not care of what others think
Emotional
Decisive
Strong clairvoyance
Loves to travel, the arts and literature
Soft-spoken, loving and caring
Romantic
Touchy and easily jealous
Concerned
Loves outdoors
Just and fair
Spendthrift and easily influenced
Easily lose confidence
NOVEMBER
Has a lot of ideas
Difficult to fathom
Thinks forward
Unique and brilliant
Extraodinary ideas
Sharp thinking
Fine and strong clairvoyance
Can become good doctors
Careful and cautious
Dynamic in personality
Secretive
Inquisitive
Knows how to dig secrets
Always thinking
Less talkative but amiable
Brave and generous
Patient
Stubborn and hard-hearted
If there is a will, there is a way
Determined
Never give up
Hardly become angry unless provoked
Loves to be alone
Thinks differently from others
Sharp-minded
Motivates oneself
Does not appreciates praises
High-spirited
Well-built and tough
Deep love and emotions
Romantic
Uncertain in relationships
Homely
Hardworking
High abilities
Trustworhty
Honest and keeps secrets
Not able to control emotions
Unpredictable
DECEMBER
Loyal and generous
Patriotic
Active in games and interactions
Impatient and hasty
Ambitious
Influential in organisations
Fun to be with
Loves to socialise
Loves praises
Loves attention
Loves to be loved
Honest and trustworthy
Not pretending
Short tempered
Changing personality
Not egoistic
Taked high pride in oneself
Hates restrictions
Loves to joke
Good sense of humor
Logical
God Bulletin Boards
Billboards from God.
Some new billboards are getting attention in Cleveland. Some reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them. Here’s a list of all variations of the “God Speaks” billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included. These are awesome…enjoy.
Let’s meet at my house Sunday before the game.
God
C’mon over and bring the kids.
God
What part of “Thou Shalt Not…” didn’t you understand?
God
We need to talk.
God
Keep using my name in vain, I’ll make rush hour longer.
God
Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
God
That “Love Thy Neighbor” thing… I meant it.
God
I love you and you and you and you and…
God
Will the road you’re on get you to my place?
God
Follow me.
God
Big bang theory, you’ve got to be kidding.
God
My way is the highway.
God
Need directions?
God
You think it’s hot here?
God
Have you read my #1 best seller?
There will be a test.
God
Do you have any idea where you’re going?
God
Don’t make me come down there.
God
A Little X-Mas Story
CHRISTMAS JUST WASN’T THE SAME.
It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn’t. Santa was really pissed. It was
Christmas eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the
Christmas cookies. The Elves were complaining about not getting paid for the
overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking
all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin
earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners.
Santa was beside himself with anger. “I CAN”T believe it! I’ve got to deliver
millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my
reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas
tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn’t
even back yet! What am I going to do?”.
Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy
night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says: “Yo, Santa, where do you want me to
stick the Christmas Tree this year??”
And thus the tradition of Angels perched on top of the Christmas trees came to
pass. . . .
Ways to Annoy, Harass, Confuse or Generally Scare Professor Snape
1. Learn a charm that gives it's unsuspecting victim a large, fluffy, white rabbit's tail. For a week. Put it to good use.
"Snape thinking: If I ever catch the student who did that, he'll eat rabbit brain for the rest of his time at Hogwarts! Or maybe,(sly voice) I'll transfigure him into a rabbit, put him in a cage and sell him to a petshop. Of course I'll have to purchase him back and... then again, maybe not!"
2. Tell him you've lost your pet werewolf and has he seen it?
"Snape outloud: Sorry, I do not sympathize with werewolf lovers! Move along and stop wasting my time!"
3. Scatter rose-petals in front of him wherever he goes.
"Snape: Unless I got so drunk last night, and hence accepted Sybill Trelawey's incessant wedding proposals, this flower-girl will soon realize how beautiful flowers can look on a tomb. Her tomb!"
4. Sneak up behind him and shout 'Your robes are on fire!'
"Snape out loud: What? Not again!"
5. Hug him. Say you were on strict instructions from Dumbledore to do it.
"Snape thinking: Dumbledore, old man, you've gone and done it! How am I to get any respect around here?"
6. Learn a charm that makes fabric turn day-glow pink. You know what to do next.
"Snape out loud: Whomever dunderheads thought this was funny will pay with their lives! And I mean every reincarnation as well!
7. Get an owl. Name it after him.
"Snape thinking: I heard my name, but she's definitely talking to that owl of hers! That's strange. I must be exhausted.
8. Go 'Da-da-da-dum!' in a deep voice anytime he passes by or enters a room.
The first time, Snape eyes the student very suspiciously before resuming his way. The third time, Snape definitely knows he's the target. Therefore, he points a menacingly finger at you and shouts: "You better keep your mouth shut next time I pass by you 'cause I swear that stupid sound you've been making will be the last you hear ever!"
9. Shout '10 points from Professor Snape!' at random moments.
"Snape to you: 50 points from your House!" Snape thinking and insulted: How dare they use my vindictive techniques!!"
10. Replace all Slytherin insignia in his quarters with that of Hufflepuff.
"That morning in the Forbidden Forest, a sweet melody to Aragog's ears could be heard: "Ahaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!"
11. Tell loud stories about Neville Longbottom's boggart.
"Snape thinking while of course breaking whatever he was holding due to repressed anger: "If I ever can get my hands on Lupin just once more time, I'll put him in a closet with his dam&? boggart and wait until he looses consciousness. Oh yeah!!"
12. Make a voodoo doll of Harry Potter. Push pins into it in class and smile knowingly at Snape.
"Snape: Confiscated!" Later that day: "Here's to you for all those bad night's sleep you gave me, Potter. How many times have I had to prowl the corridors to make sure you didn't end up in a million piece? Do you know that? And this is for your father who kept doing the same kind of pranks I seem to be the victim of these days!" (Note: due to the unprecedent violence done to the Voodoo doll, the horrible toy-crime of Snape have been censured)
13. Accidentally call him 'Buzz' every now and again, for no good reason.
"Snape outloud:I think you could use a visit to Mme Pomphrey. I was told she had a very painful yet effectiveremedy for people affected with dysphasia! (loss of or deficiency in the power to use or understand language as a result of injury to or disease of the brain)" 14. Become his 'Good-Snape' and 'Bad-Snape'. (Ie. Poke your head over his shoulder and advise him according to which Snape you are. Then switch shoulders and say the opposite. Use a silly voice. )
"Snape almost barking: Detention! With Filch! All week!" Then, in a sly voice:"You see, that's what happens when Bad-Snape wins! A shame Good-Snape didn't have better arguments!"
15. Hide your face with your hands in class. When he approaches remove them and shout 'Peek-a-boo!'
"Snape doesn't get it and takes you for a mental. Well, that was already the case, but that worsen his opinion of you!
16. Leave him invitations to Sirius Black's 'birthday party at the Whomping Willow'
"Snape to himself: There's no way I'm ever attending a party with a dog and a werewolf in a stinking hole underground! Well, I don't know why I'm making excuses. I never attend party, period.
17. Squeak softly everytime he says your name during roll-call.
"Snape to you: I have just developed a very efficient way to cure voice extinction. Unfortunately, I hadn't had a single guinea pig to try it on yet. Maybe you would like volunteer. For the progress of magic of course!"
18. Get Hermione to teach you a spell revealing the undergarments of it's subject. Use it at every available opportunity.
"Snape thinking: This is not happening, this is not happening. I can't believe this is happening!"
19. Look terrified and leave the hall ANYTIME he picks up his spoon at mealtimes.
"Snape to himself: She leaves each time I pick up my spoon. I think this girl is getting too focused on me. Just to annoy me or something. But I won't give in. I don't want to show her how it unnerves me. That's all she wants but I won't give her that pleasure.
20. 'Need a brush over there Professor?'
"Snape thinking really hard: Is this a prank or not? Better not take chances, ignore the comment and use my legendary "run before I bottle you" eyes" Then I'll be alone to check if anything's the matter with my hair..
21. Follow him closely through the hallways. Imitate his stern look and determined walk. If he turns around, stand still and smile sweetly.
"Snape to himself: I smell something fishy here... Oh really, Severus, I think you're getting paranoiac!"
22. Leave copies of Lockhart's biography all around the place.
"Snape: I can't believe this clown is still so popular around here! It just proves my point: they all are dunderheads!"
23. Introduce him with the words "Here is a man who not only has a brilliant mind and a wonderful wit, but can also sing.'
"Snape: I don't think I came in at the best of times. Surely they were waiting for someone else judging from their faces."
24. Transfigure a jack-in-the box's head to look like him. Wind it up and leave it outside his door. Run like hell.
"Snape: What!!" Outloud and striding in the corridors to catch the prankster: "If I ever catch you, believe me, it's your head that's going to be stuck in that box for the rest of the year! And I'm not talking about a fake one!"
25. Charm his hair into dreadlocks.
"Snape thinking: Why are people looking at me? And laughing...? " Taking a hand to his head: "No, it can't be! Not like Lockhart's , anything but not like this twit!"
26. Get a hose. Corner him. Spray him down. Run.
"Discouraged Snape: Why me? Why people feel the need to shower me all the time? My hair are naturally greasy, that's all!
27. Doodle things on your potions notes about 'that cute Potter kid'
"Snape thinking: Oh, no, another groupie! Can't they see Potter is bound to act like he does because of all this attention he's getting!? I'm sure I'll never see something as stupid as these on their notes ever!"
28. Doodle things on your potions notes about 'that cute Longbottom kid'
"Snape: "I shouldn't have said that!"
29. Offer him tequila.
"Snape outloud: Tequila? Isn't that one of those Muggle drinks? -Yes! -Well then I'm afraid I'll have to confiscate it. " Inner-thoughts: And have a good go at it because these days, and I don't know why, but I have been the victim of so much horrible pranks!"
30. Get a tattoo. One that says 'Sevvie' Insist it has nothing to do with him.
"Snape out loud: For your sake I do hope it has nothing to do with me! Or else I would remove it myself with very painful methods indeed!"
31. Eat chocolate cake in class. Offer to let him lick the plate clean.
"Snape out loud: Maybe this kind of behaviour towards sweets is allowed in Dumbledore's office, but believe me in my classroom, nothing as remote as this has ever been accepted. 10 points from your House. And run to the kitchens to hand in your plate before I use the crumbs, mix them to your potion and test it on you afterwards!"
32. Every lesson, quote things he said last lesson. Word for word.
"Snape: Didn't I say so last class? Or am I getting flashbacks from nightmares? I just have this feeling of déjà vu. No, it's definitely not me, she keeps doing it." Out loud: "Miss, as glad I am that you finally decided to retain something useful from my classes, please refrain from quoting them word for word, it lowers my already low esteem of you because quoting, I believe, is for people who can't think for themselves!"
33. Transfigure his robes into a Molly-Weasleyesque woollen jumper with a large 'S' on it.
"Snape: It's more than time that the Weasley twins graduate!"
34. Owl him long and detailed accounts of your summer holidays.
"Incredulous Snape: Maybe I should warn Dumbledore about this. This student has certainly been taking some illicit concoctions during the summer. This looks everything like a friendship letter, yet it's addressed to me!"
35. Dress like him and dye your hair black. Refer to yourself as 'mini-snape'
"Snape: Oh no! Close your eyes, maybe the vision will disappear... No, it hasn't. It's really a student dressed like me. Oh no, he's referring himself as "mini-Snape". Will they ever leave me in peace!?" Out loud: "Alright, you've had your fun. Now let me have mine!"
36. Ask him what his middle name is.
"Snape in a cold impatient voice: It's Severus Mind-your-own-business-if-you-ever-want-to-graduate-alive-and-in-one-piece Snape. Is that clear enough for your little brain?"
37. Leave a well-worn and sickeningly cute teddy-bear where it can be easily seen by staff and students. Ensure it has a tag, written in a child's hand, stating that he 'belongs to Severus' and is called 'Chuckles'
Snape in a grave ironic voice:"Ah, ah, ah! This is so hilarious! Bunch of babies! Alright, WHO did this? Minerva?"
38. Make casual but loud references to Harry Potter being considered for an Order of Merlin.
Snape breaks the sugar quills he was holding and nervously lets it crumble to the floor with a look that speaks miles.
39. Talk back in class. With a bad Scottish accent.
Snape unimpressed and out loud: "Indeed! Maybe you should check at the infirmary if Mme Pomphrey has a cure for dialectal disorders. If she can't find it, remind her to look under the letter D. For "Dumb".
40. If you're a sneaky Slytherin, slip him a potion that makes him sing everything he says to the tune of 'I've Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts'
Snape to himself: That's it! I promised Dumblendore not to kill myself but that's surely excluded THAT!" -Later that day with Dumbledore: "I'm sorry Severus, but your promise also included such occasions as this. Why else would I have had you promise me? Don't worry! I'll fix this for you!" (Lady Claudia: I have just listened to the song for the first time ever! Amanda! That is so low!! I can't believe you thought of something so abominable for our poor Snape! That's got to be the worse of the lot! If you don't know the song, here it is!
41. If you're a gutsy Gryffindor, draw a lightening-bolt scar on his forehead when he's asleep.
"Snape thinking: Everybody is looking at me again. Just as when I had dreadlocks. Better find a mirror." Some minutes later, Hagrid from his hut heard this very weird sound: "Ahaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!"
42. If you're a well-read Ravenclaw, bring large piles of books to class, and verify anything he states. Loudly. (ie: 'He's right you know! or 'He's done it again!')
"Snape after class: "As much as I enjoy serious students, this may be a little too much. Therefore, if you ever want to discuss whether what I say is correct or not, do so with me. Then again, that would surely prove a waist of time since I'm always right when it comes to potions! Dismissed!"
43. If you're a hard-working Hufflepuff, write long extra-curricular essays about the benefits of good, strong cleansing-potions
"Snape to the Hufflepuff who of course understood the underlying meaning of good cleansing potions: "You know how much I like academic perfection. Your late extra-curricular essays have surprised me indeed. But in order to give you any points for it, I would need proofs of their effectiveness. Therefore, I'll be expecting you to show up tonight at 7 o'clock to start applying theory to reality. Fortunately for you, Longbottom has once again blown up his cauldron all over the classroom and it could really use the benefits of those strong cleansing-potions you've been referring to! You'll hand me your results on a 5 foot long essay, tomorrow morning. Have I left anything unsaid?"
44. If you're a feisty Faculty member, flick things at him during dinner at the High Table.
"Snape thinking: Oh come on! Can't I have a bit of relaxing time once in a while!" Suddenly the culprit's plate inexplicably found itself in his face! With a smile, Snape rises and passes nearby : "My, my! I thought at your age you would have stopped playing with your food! But I guess I was wrong, for once. You should get yourself clean, really. You look like a one year old baby after his meal!"
45. When he leans down to inspect your work - Grab your wand, place the tip of it directly between his eyes and shout 'Lumos!'
"Snape, who can't see a thing and who is still flabbergasted by the effect of the Lumos: "Out! Everybody out! And YOU! (Pointing in the wrong direction) Report yourself to Filch at 7 tonight for the worst punishment of your life!"
46. Nickname your quill 'Snapie' and talk to it during class.
"Snape out loud: Did you talk to me? - No, I was talking to my quill, Snappie! Snape frowns gravely and says: "Then if it ever answers you back, I believe you should think of consulting a psychiatrist or something. I won't tolerate more brain-damaged students in my class. I have enough on my hands already!"
47. Drop vague hints that McGonagall likes him a little more than strictly necessary.
"Snape thinking: That can't be right! The old maid having a crush on me? I though she had it for Dumbledore! Hum... I'll have to be more careful"
48. Drop vague hints that Filch likes him a little more than strictly necessary.
"Snape in a disgusted tone: Argh! No way! I refuse to believe that! Oh, only the thought of... Shrug!! I better take a shower and wash thoroughly before I am heart-sick.
49. Get your potion horribly wrong. Smile when he berates you and ask if that deserves a detention.
"Snape out loud: So you think you can command me, is it? We'll see about that...
50. Get your potion all over him. Smile when he splutters incoherently with anger and ask if THAT deserves a detention.
"... Now you've done it! I can't believe you did that on purpose! Out with everyone! That doesn't deserve a detention, it deserves an expulsion!" Later that day: "Why can't Dumbledore believe me? Caused by an emotionally affected student he says. The student wanted my attention he says! Right, that student is more insanely affected than anything else! Why am I still teaching here? Oh yes, because nobody else will take me in... "
51. Grab some friends. Surround him. Sing the entire soundtrack to Moulin Rouge.
"Snape out loud: Let me go! Who would be stupid enough to sing such follies?" Inwardly: To the Bat-cave, fast!"
52. Imply that you think Professor Lupin was the only deserving applicant for the Dark Arts job.
"Snape grinds his teeth together very loudly"
53. Leave anonymous notes on his desks. Have them say things like 'Remember that summer in 72, Severus dear?' or 'Meet me in the restricted section...and bring a friend!'
"Snape thinking really really hard: Summer 72? 72? What did I do that summer? Eek! No, no, stay calm! You did use protection! This is only a frame!" (Lady Claudia: Please dear Snape-fans, don't be obfuscated! This is only an hypothesis, ok!)
"Snape: Bring a friend? That's a problem... I wouldn't have one to being with. But what am I saying, I don't need anybody to defend myself! You perfectly know how to defend yourself when you've been the victim of the Marauders for 7 years "
54. Refer to him as 'Cuddles'
"Snape thinking: It's time for my appointment with my magical physician! I need to get my ears fixed! Or my brain!
55. Smile at him. All the time.
"Snape: This is so unnerving! I can't believe this smile would have more effect than seeing Potter sit in my class for all those years! Why is she always smiling? Does she know something about me? Argh! I can't take it anymore!"
56. Publish a newsletter detailing his life and everyday activities. Call it 'The Daily Snape'
"Snape: What's this? A newsletter? The Daily Snape!? What the !&?! Reading one random page: "Today our dearest Potions Master will be available for you all in the Dungeons from 6am to 7am. Then, he'll have a nice and copious breakfast in the Great Hall, and, at 7:50 exactly, he'll go down to prepare for his first potion class. So if you need to ask him anything, we advice you to do so before he departs because, afterwards, he's sure to be very vindictive since his lesson today start off with Double Potions with Slytherins and Gryffindors. Here's a more detailed schedule of his going-about during the day... " Crunching the newsletter hard in his hands, Snape was fuming! "If I catch the donkey who wrote that shi& , trust me, I'll publish a newsletter detailing every possible ways to use young human parts in potions!"
57. Hum 'Sun Ain't Gonna Shine Anymore' during any moments of silence in class.
"Snape: She's been humming that song for long enough. Out loud: "Miss, would you care to enlighten us on why you've been humming for the last hour? ... No response... Well, then I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to sing the whole song aloud so that everyone can help me guess why you've been doing so! -She starts singing and when Snape realises it could be directly dedicated to him he says: "That will be enough, MIss. I don't want my students to turn deaf out of hearing you! Now, let's resume our lesson"
(Lady Claudia: for those you don't know this song, see the lyrics here.
58. Ask him why he saved Harry Potter. Ask him every day.
"Snape: I won't say it, I won't say it, I won't say it!" After nagging him for long enough, Snape cracks up and spits it out: "Alright, I'll tell you! I saved his sorry butt because I care about the little fool! He may be a pretentious wonderboy, but that's no excuse not to save him, I have a conscience you know! Clear? Now stop bugging me!"
59. Clap noisily when he finishes telling someone off.
"Snape out loud: Detention! That will teach you to mind your own business!" Inwardly: "That's the first time I ever get complimented for telling a student off! Maybe there's hope for her after all"
60. Knock over your cauldron, spill it everywhere and shout 'Surf's up, Sir!'
"Snape out loud: Detention's Up, Miss!"
61. Sneak into his chambers. Put Blast-Ended-Skrewts in his underwear drawer (click the link to know what that is).
"Snape went to look into his drawer in the morning after hearing some very weird noise. Upon opening the drawer: "What the hell is that? It has stings, it's slimy, there's no head, it smells like rotten fish, and there are legs sprawling out of everywhere! My God! They burned everything in there! I wonder if I can make a good potion out of that... thing. Better not tell Hagrid about this, he'll want them back before I can make experiments! For once I don't mind the prank! Well, maybe I mind the underwear, but I can always transfigure myself some until I get to Diagon Alley"
62. Transfigure all his quills into giant purple peacock feathers.
"When Snape enters the classroom and sees this he calmly says: "Well. Looks like Sybill Trelaway came over and left some evidence of her passage! Miss Granger, would you kindly go up to the her office and bring her back those horrible things before I discover who really did this and try to shove them back up where they belong...on the culprit of course!"
63. Go Christmas-caroling at his door. Do not leave or cease singing until dawn. Do this in July.
"Snape half-asleep: Do I hear Christmas caroling or is it just a dream? No, I'm not dreaming, it's 5 o'clock and someone is Christmas caroling at my door! That's impossible, we're in the middle of July! Students have not come back yet... Minerva!!"
64. Ask him at the end of every Potions lesson if he knows a good love-potion.
"Snape who has been ignoring your requests for the past five classes: "Very well... You've just won yourself the happy pleasure of writing me a 12 foot long essay on love-potions. You'll see how much I know about it when I grade it next class!"
65. Charm his hair bright orange.
"Snape looking in the mirror: Ahahhaaaaaaaaaa! Not again! Why do people always get at my hair? Once I had dreadlocks, another time they were pink and now this! Please, just leave my hair alone! Anybody ever thought about the effects of these pranks on my hair? Nooooo of course! Everyone just assumes my hair is greasy because I don't wash them..."
66. Ask him if he wants a massage.
"Snape, during one of your detentions, looks like he could use a massage. So you propose it to him... Then, with his cold and stern look: "Keep your hands for the O-how horribly dirty cauldron left over there! Believe me, you'll be in need of every ounce of arm-power you can get!"
67. Hide in his chambers at night. Wake him up by jumping up and down on his bed shouting 'Rise and Shine Professor!'
"Snape realising what you are doing: "What in Heavens' name are you doing here? Get out of here and be prompt for detention for the rest of the week! I'll make sure you'll get to bed so late at night you'll be too tired to think of anything as stupid as this in the morning!"
68. Find out the passwords to his office and private chambers. Cast a spell to change them to 'Fluffy White Kittens' and 'Flowers & Lollipops'
"Snape trying to get in: What's the matter with these doors? The password isn't working. " Then, Snape being a great wizard, he is able to decipher a way to know the new password: "Fluffy White Kitten?! This has to be the worst password in the world! Even Dumbledore didn't think of that one for sure! I won't say it out loud. Two hours later: "Alright, alright, I'll say it. I have to get into my office one day!
Later that day, after a long potions class, Snape was going back to his quarters when : "What? Not again! Oh well, Fluffly White Kittens. " The door doesn't open. "Don't tell me they invented another sickeningly cute password for my quarters as well! Argh!!"
69. Drool in your potion.
"Snape comes to you in a hurry, pushes you aside and shouts in an incredulous voice: "Are you insane? This potion is useless now! What's the matter with you? I knew teenage hormones could really tamper with someone's brain, but never to the level of drooling all over the place! God, give me patience!" With this episode, you've really reach a new level of exasperation in Snape!
70. When he glares at you, give a similar glare back. If he blinks or looks away jump up and shout 'I won!'
Snape spatting: "If this is one of your silly childish games, I don't even want to know about it! 10 points from your House for sheer.. density!
71. When he leans towards you in class, looming over you and generally looking menacing - reach up, tweak his nose, then twiddle your thumb between your index and forefinger and say 'Got your nose!' triumphantly.
"Snape in an incredulous look shouts: Out, out, out!"
72. Learn a charm that makes people sprout interesting flowering plants from their hair. Use your imagination.
"Snape: What's that smell? It smells like... sniff, sniff... poppies? Wait a minute. People are looking at me with that kind of look again... Snape moves his head down to smell his hands and then realises something's moving on his head. He reaches, understands, violently grabs the poppies out of his head when suddenly Dumbledore comes in: "Ah! Severus! Flowers? For Mme Pomphrey I guess! But I though her birthday was only in 2 weeks!" Snape feels cornered: "No... I mean, yes. No! What I mean to say is.. -Yes, Severus? - Ah! Forget it!" And then Snape throws the flowers on the floor and hurries away before the old man can add anything else!
73. Ask him if he knows who Alan Rickman is.
"Snape: Alan who? - Alan Rickman! He must be part of your family, you look so much like him! - I'm sure I look nothing like this..this Alan-whatyoumacallit! Anyway, coming from you, I'm sure this is an insult, so I'd rather never meet the man!"
74. Anytime you catch his eye, wink at him.
"Snape is getting nervous: Is it me or is she winking each time our eyes cross? No, that can't be a coincidence. She's really winking at me!! But why? Do I have something on my face? Does she know something I should? Is she a Death Eater? Does she have a crush on me? God forbid it! Oh!! This is driving me crazy! Just ignore her! I don't want her to know it's affecting me!"
75. When he next deducts points from you, (and he will) threaten to drop him from 32 stores.
"Snape out loud: You little overgrown baby! Stop acting like a kid and start acting like your age! You deserve what's coming at you, period!"
76. Call him Severus.
"Snape out loud: If I'm not mistaken I'm still your teacher and you're still my student. And even when that won't be the case anymore, there is no way that I'll ever allow you to refer to me on a first-name basis. 20 points from your House!
77. If you're brave, call him Sev.
-Then can I call you, Sev? -50 points!
78. If you're really brave, call him 'Sevvie-kins'.
"-Ok then, Sevvie-kins maybe? -75 points!
79. If you're suicidal, call him 'precious-little-Sevvie-kins'
"Why won't you let me call you that my precious-little Sevvie-kins? - That's it! 100 points PLUS a week's worth of the most horrible detention I can think of! Now, my precious-little-twit, do you feel I'm giving you enough attention or are you still lacking some? Because if you are still lacking attention like Dumbledore suggested before I'll make sure Filch and all the Slytherins are on the case. Capiche?
80. When he's teaching, say 'Delicious' or 'Scrumptious!' after every ingredient he lists off.
"Snape in his cool silky voice: Miss, do you really want to know exactly how "delicious" these ingredients are? I'll be happy to assist you in this gustatory quest of yours! Oh yes! With any luck, you'll want to start with those poisoned snake fangs and then maybe we'll have some peace in this class for once!
81. Ask him about his private life and personal hygiene.
"Snape out loud: Believe me, you don't want to know!" Thinking: "I hope that scared her off for good! Well, usually it works, but this girl keeps coming back for more! I should talk Mme Pomphrey about that. Maybe she's mental! Oh I just wish she is. I'll be there the day they send her to St. Mungo's fool department!"
82. Present him with a pet baby bunny rabbit every few weeks. Tell him each one is called Minerva.
"Snape: How am I supposed to get rid of these? They're so innocent I'd really feel bad eating them! And they're named Minerva as well! Argh! Why can't I NOT feel guilty about this! Oh well, let's get back to the pet shop..."
83. Form a cheerleading squad. Make up a dance and chant for him. Follow him around.
"Snape : Ok, let's recapitulate: I've made my angry eyes, my killing eyes, I screamed at them, I threatened them, I put them under detention, and I've even tried my threats about poisoning one of them but nothing worked. Therefore, the only sensible thing to do is to ignore them. Eventually, let's hope before I'm fit for St-Mungo myself, they will stop!"
84. Send him Valentines in February.
"Snape receiving his valentines: Oh, no! Not false Valentines again! I hate it when they do that! Damn that blasted holiday! I never received a true valentine in my life! Why do they keep trying to get at me? Even if I ever received a real one, I would never know because I never dare to eat the chocolates in case they are poisoned or open the cards in case they explode!" And he spent the rest of the day brooding alone or being insipid to the students! (Lady Claudia: Are you happy now, you made our dear Snape sad!)
85. Send him Valentines in August.
"Snape: Well, that's a first! I never thought I would ever be surprised by a valentine anymore! But, wait a minute... kids have not come back to Hogwarts yet! So who could.. ahhaaaaaaah! Snape shouted and dropped the valentines (cards and chocolates) as if they were venomous. "They must be from Sybil! Oh!! I need a shower!"
86. To avoid suspicion and create more annoyance, give vague hints in these Valentines that they are from a certain blonde Slytherin.
"Snape, after taking a shower and getting back to his senses: "What's this? A note on the floor" Picking it up and reading. "What?! From a blonde Slytherin? What's the meaning of this? Who could..." Snape stopped in mid-sentence and shouted: "Draco?" After another shower, Snape got back to his normal self: "No, no, no, no, no! That can't be Draco! He's not gay for sure with all the girls he's been going out with and with all the times I had to bring him back to his own bed after curfew. So who could it be?..." With a stern look Snape said THE word: Potter! He hates Draco and I to that point for sure! (Lady Claudia: Poor Potter! Now you've gone and done it! Snape will get at him on your account! Are you happy?! Just joking!)
87. Offer him sweets. Every chance you get. Insist that he try the green ones.
"Snape tbinking: Someone's offering me a sweet! This has to be a prank, I will not believe it is not so... I've been dumb one time and ended up in the infirmary, thanks to James Potter and his Marauders!" Out loud: "No thank you. Just seeing you smile like that reminds me of the terrible consequences sweets can do to your teeth. I'd rather keep mine as perfect as they are and not look like an old hag".
88. Set his robes on fire.
"-You're on fire, Sir! -Oh really! says he in an unimpressed tone. "I cannot fathom how you managed to remain at Hogwarts for so long when you can't even remember you already used this prank with me! I'm not going to make a fool of myself again by looking at.. -But Sir I swear - Don't interrupt me you insolent!" he shouts. "I can't believe you're that desperate to get my attention or I should rather say my detentions. And.. -Oh my God, Severus! You're on fire! says Minerva. -What!! Snape looks angrier than ever and since he can't really accuse you of doing it because you tried to warn him, well, he's even more angry. So he puts out the fire, swirls around and vanishes from everybody's sight for the rest of the day. Brooding! Minerva: "What's the matter with him? He did not even thank his student! Will he ever learn to be civil once in a while?!"
89. Set your own robes on fire. Insist that he save you.
"-Oh my! Help me, professor Snape! My robes are on fire! -What's this noise? Then, Snape realises you are indeed on fire but that the situation is not so urgent. -Save me, professor Snape!! I'm afraid!" you tell him with supplicating and panicked eyes. Snape is says quite sadly: "Oh well, if I must!" And with a reluctant smile he saves you. -Oh thank you so much, professor!! I thought I was going to die! Thank you!" And then, jump in his arms in an excess of joy. Now THAT will really get on his nerves!!
90. Doodle things on your left arm during his lessons
"Snape out loud: Miss, I had the impression that this was a Potions class, not a contest for the worst drawings ever. Go get yourself clean and come back as soon as possible. We'll test your antidote on you. That might remind you to be more attentive next time!"
91. Follow him around singing cheerful Beatles songs until you can sing no more.
"Snape, quite desperate by now of course, passes his hand on the length of his face in a gesture of hopelessness. "Oh God! First the cheerleaders and now this! I've tried everything! And Albus won't allow me to cast a silencing spell on a student!" Sigh! "Well, at least she's not singing some Sesame Street songs!" Big shrug. "OH! said Snape in a repulsed voice, "That trick from the Weasley twins sure was the worst thing they had come up with! I guess I should just sit back and enjoy the show! Oh! And when she has no voice anymore, I'll make up a surprise oral presentation for her worth 10 of her final mark!! Oh yes! Mmmaahhahahaaha!!" Snape was laughing evilly! "What's happening to me? I sound like Voldemort himself! Time to get some rest!"
92. Find out when his birthday is. Throw a surprise party. Shower him with gold ribbons and pink balloons.
"Snape barely muttering to Dumbledore between his teeth and with a murderous look: "Dumbledore, old man, I never thought you could go lower in my esteem in you towards your taste for throwing out unwanted and useless parties, but I guess you've just outdone yourself this time! Just wait until this is all finished, I'll outdo myself in revenge for sure! -Oh but Severus, that wasn't my idea! That was your wonderful student! The little miss there! She's so charming isn't she? I've heard she's done a lot of things for you this year. I'm glad to see a student finally recognising your worth! -I am thrilled, really" said Snape while drinking a full glass of scotch. "Let's just hope I'll survive her ... attentions! "
93. Make a habit out of grabbing Harry Potter and dragging him into Snape's office by his ears, crying 'Here he is Sir! I've got him!'
"Snape out loud: Thank you for your consideration, but really I can do that on my own! Therefore I would be much more grateful if you'd just leave me in peace!" In his thoughts: "OH, the lucky girl! If only I was allowed to grab him by the ears!!"
94. Transfigure all the buttons down his front into large, pink flowers.
"Snape out loud after immediately untransfiguring his buttons back to normal: "Alright students. 20 points to the one who tells me who did this!" (Of course, a Slytherin frames you!) "Very well, Miss! Since you like flowers so much, why don't I use the same potion you tried on me once. You know, the one that makes flowers grow out of your hair! You see, and I'm sure you'll find this as fascinating as I do, I have improved the said potion so that it grows Devil's Snares instead of cute little flowers! Come along now, I don't have all day and... for the sake of your friends, keep out of reach for the next 24 hours! The plant might bite!"
95. Turn in all your essays on perfumed paper covered in scribbled little love-hearts.
"Snape, when first seeing your essay: "Argh! What's this horrible thing? An essay written on love-heart paper? !?" he says in a disgusted tone. "And what's that awful smell?" he says while covering his nose with his pocket tissue. "Who did ...Of course, HER! Well this essay will be easy to mark: 0!"
96. When he turns his back, imitate anything he just said in a high, squeaky voice.
"Snape out loud: I beg your pardon? What did you say? -(In a high and squeaky voice) I beg your pardon? What did you say? -I'll get you for this you impudent little twit! -(In a high and squeaky voice) I'll get you for this you impudent little twit! -HOW DARE YOU show me so little respect you worthless parrot? ... Go on and on until he quits and runs away from you OR before you get expelled!"
97. Introduce him to your friends Rickmaniac, Gumlick and Meg...watch the fun that ensues.
Snape: "Who the hell are these people? No, no! Don't say it. After better consideration, I'd rather not know."
98. Procure some ferret-droppings. Leave a large pile of them in his desk. Insist that Draco Malfoy did it.
Snape out loud: Indeed! (laughing inwardly of the time Draco finally got his just reward from Mad Eye Moody) "You know, it's a real chance to have you around in this school! Who else would pick these up otherwise? -But I don't have anything to pick them up with, Sir. -Snape just smiled in answer. You know what that means!!
99. Show up drunk.
Snape's quarters at night. You are totally drunk with a bottle of unfinished whiskey in your hand. You knock on his door and he comes to open it. With your best voice (I mean the best articulation you can have due to the circumstances!) you smile at him and say: "Goodnight professor! I was just going around the Dungeons when I thought to drop in! No really, it's depressing to drink alone, and since you look like the kind of man that needs to drink often to forget how lonely you are, I came here right away! -What are you mumbling about?" Sniff, sniff. "Good Lord, you're really drunk!! -Hey, don't shout like that, I left you some after all! -What am I going to do with you? -Whatever you want, darling!" you say while making him goo goo eyes! "-By all that's Holy, you're not only drunk: you've been drugged for sure!! Come in, I'll get you an antidote for whatever you have. But DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING! -Alright, Snapie, dearest! For you, anything! -Fast, fast, fast! Where is that dam& antidote?!"
100. Giggle constantly. Give no reason. Continue until he kicks you out of the dungeons.
Snape: Miss, what is so hilarious that you cannot repress your silly headless girl giggles? Silence -I'm warning you, if you don't stop, I'll test Longbottom's potion on you! Silence - Very well, Longbottom, make sure you do everything properly. This way, she's sure to be poisoned and then we may finally have some peace around here." You keep giggling. -Miss, stop or I'll kick you out so fast that every golden snitch in the world will envy you! Still nothing, still giggling. Snape grabs you by the arm and shuts the door in your face. Maybe that's about time you stop!
101. Fall completely, head-over-heels in love with him. Let everybody know about it
Snape: And I once believed being a Death Eater was the worst thing that ever happened to me! Now the whole school is giggling after me, the teachers eye me as if I were some pedophile, that girl follows me everywhere I go and I've lost all sense of fear in my students due to her calling me Sevvie! Great! That's just great! Voldemort, here I come!"
123 Ways to Annoy, Harass, Confuse or Generally Scare Lord Voldemort
1. Ask him why he 'doesn't have such a cool scar?'
2. Laugh at him.
3. Wake him up by singing Beach Boys songs in his ear. 'Round, round, get around, I get around...'
4. Knit him things. Really hideous things.
5. Give him kangaroo-ears for a month.
6. Smile during Death Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.
7. Chew bubblegum all the time. Should he address you, your only response will be a series of huge bubbles in quick succession, the last of which will burst everywhere and make a mess.
8. Dance the Funky Chicken.
9. Ask him when was the last time he took a bath.
10. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again.
11. If you ever need to say 'Like taking candy from a baby', be sure to add 'Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others.' Stare pointedly at him.
12. Play 'knock-&-run' at his bedchamber door late at night.
13. Call him 'The-Man-Who-Let-the-Boy-Live.'
14. Ask why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something 'more socially acceptable?'
15. Insist that you have met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than his.
16. Pinch him. Make sure he squeals.
17. Be cheerful.
18. When he tries to impress you with his powers, say 'Awwwww, lookit. Voldie's got a twiggle!'
19. Try to teach him to play a mouth organ.
20. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like 'You're the boss, boss' or 'It's your funeral.'
21. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic 'My sir, you look particularly menacing today.'
22. Taunt him about his middle name. 'Marvolo? What's that - a washing detergent?'
23. Keep a 'good-behaviour chart'. Award points and give out gold stars.
24. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.
25. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. poof there poof gone poof there...
26. Play cards with him. Tell him he has no poker-face and how does he expect to rule supreme without one?
27. Let off party-poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes you.
28. 'Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?'
29. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.
30. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly.
31. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drumroll.
32. Exclaim sarcastically 'You're breakin' my little heart here, O Dark One' whenever he starts to talk of what caused him to become who he is.
33. Encourage him to 'think happy thoughts!'
34. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.
35. Mock his choice of Quirrell as a 'host.'
36. Tell you think a yoga class could 'cure him of his wicked ways.'
37. Get the song 'Mr. Tambourine Man' stuck in his head.
38. If he's having evil-plotter's-block in one of his scheming sessions, 'Wingardium Leviosa' a light bulb to float above his head. Turn it on. Look offended when he gets angry and say you thought you were helping!
39. Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger.
40. Buy him a stress ball.
41. Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never triumph.
42. Call him Tommy-boy.
43. If you're feeling gutsy, call him Voldie-poo.
44. Whack him in the arm and say 'mosquito' - every few minutes.
45. Say he 'looked better under the turban.'
46. Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.
47. Endeavour to teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back and say 'Eeeexcellent'.
48. Start drawing outlandish parallels between his life story and 'Star Wars'. Talk at great length.
49. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.
50. 'Imperio' his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of 'All Things Bright And Beautiful.'
51. Shower him with confetti and rice, anytime you think he needs to make a 'grand entry.'
52. Paint all the Death Eater masks with bright colours and glitter.
53. Throw him a 'Carebears'-themed birthday party.
54. Tell him what Snape's really up to.
55. Politely exclaim now and again that you don't know how he can be so afraid of dear old Dumbles.
56. Sing 'California Dreamin' at the top of your lungs when he's trying to have an 'evil moment.'
57. Should you ever be eating with him - drum tunes with your cutlery, play with your food and blow bubbles in your chocolate milk.
58. Ask him to dance a polka with you.
59. Work cutesy phrases like 'pushing-up-daisies' and 'smooth-as-a-baby's-bottom' into conversation as much as possible.
60. Ask him if he's sure 'the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting a bit old?'
61. Get him to play 'Twister' with you.
62. Tell him you know this great therapist in London...
63. Throw Tupperware parties. Insist he sit through them.
64. Tell him you've met plently of people more evil than he.
65. Hide his teddy bear. That ALWAYS makes him cry.
66. Get him a plant. Act mortally offended when he doesn't water it and it dies.
67. Steal, snap and bury his wand.
68. Tell him Lucius did it.
69. Give Rita Skeeter full knowledge of his whereabouts and contact details.
70. Remind him that he isn't even really alive.
71. Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty.
72. Offer to sacrifice Draco Malfoy 'to the cause.'
73. Insist on reading him bedtime stories. Include 'The Ugly Duckling.'
74. Make vague allusions to Harry Potter being his son.
75. When he's done something particularly nasty - cross your arms, waggle a finger and say 'Now now, do you really think Salazar would have approved of that?'
76. Ask him how he can possibly wish to harm a single hair on the head of 'that sweet, innocent, cute little boy.'
77. Tell him Wormtail has a crush on him.
78. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
79. Leave disgusting and rotting dead things near him. Insist that it is 'Aromatherapy.'
80. Begin any question you ask him with 'Riddle me this!' Emphasis on Riddle.
81. Do not EVER act in the slightest way intimidated by him. Treat him as you would an eccentric aquaintance.
82. Cuddle him at random moments.
83. Sign him up for Little-League.
84. Ask him why he's afraid of a frail old man with a beard the size of a beehive and can't fight babies.
85. Throw biscuits at him. Constantly.
86. Tell him you think evil master plans of world domination are 'kind of girlie.'
87. Quote Argus Filch. Insist HE will one day rule the wizarding world.
88. Wonder aloud whether the name Voldemort commands as much respect as, say, Potter or Dumbledore.
89. Mimic everything he says in a sing-song voice.
90. Mimic everything he does with exaggerated limb-movements.
91. Write sonnets for him.
92. Insist he help you with the newspaper crossword every morning.
93. Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touches with a can of disinfectant.
94. Tell people he's 'really just a big softie.'
95. Psychoanalyze him. Conclude that he is 'mildy depressed' and 'a bit of a control-freak.'
96. Mock his baldness.
97. Smile and say loudly 'Who loves you, Volders?' at inopportune moments. (Ie: another of his attempted 'evil moments')
98. Get him drunk.
99. Drag out a banjo at Death Eater revels and start playing 'Kumbayah.'
100. Let him catch you trying on Death Eater robes.
101. Be Harry Potter. Be alive.
102. As he's plotting dark deeds, pretend to cough and mutter things like 'Not gonna work, or 'stupid.'
103. Call him 'Champ' or 'Tiger.' Refer to yourself as 'Coach.'
104. Three words: Potter Puppet Pals.
105. Ask him where he gets his garlic-scented soap.
106. Ask him to dye Easter eggs with you.
107. ..at Christmas.
108. Make him dance in the rain with you.
109. Insist that this is to cleanse his soul.
110. "Accidentally" schedule him a him a haircut.
111. ..even though he's bald.
112. Be offended by everything he says.
113. When he gives you an order, stare at him blankly and drool.
114. Invite him to go streaking.
115. Kill Harry.
116. On the next Valentine's Day, decorate his lair.
117. ..make sure the decorations are pink and frilly.
118. Tell him that getting the same plastic surgeon as Michael Jackson was definitely a bad idea.
119. Paint his fingernails hot pink while he's sleeping, then place a permanent sticking charm on them so he can't remove the color.
120. Whenever you look at him cover your eyes with your hands and scream "IT BURNS!!"
121. Bake him scar shaped cookies, but insist it wasn't purposeful.
122. Trade his black robes in for pink pajamas.
123. Insist that it's opposite day and paint a lightning bolt on his forehead.
A Glass of Milk
One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way
through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry.
He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his
nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal he
asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a
large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, “How much do I
owe you?”
“You don’t owe me anything,” she replied. “Mother has taught us never to
accept pay for a kindness.” He said….. “Then I thank you from my
heart.” As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger
physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been
ready to give up and quit.
Year’s later that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors
were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in
specialists to study her rare disease. Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for
the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a
strange light filled his eyes.
Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room.
Dressed in his doctor’s gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at
once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to
save her life. From that day he gave special attention to the case. After
a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business
office to pass the final bill to him for approval.
He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to
her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest
of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught
her attention on the side of the bill.
She read these words….. “Paid in full with one glass of milk”
(Signed)
Dr. Howard Kelly.
Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: “Thank
You, God, that Your love has spread abroad through human hearts
and hands.”
Now you have two choices.
You can send this page on and spread a positive message.
or ignore it and pretend it never touched your heart
Advice
Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others.
It is because we are different that each of us is special.
Do not set your goals. Only you know what is best for you.
Do not take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them
as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.
Do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past nor
for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live all the
days of your life.
Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
It is a fragile thread that binds us to each other.
Do not be afraid to encounter risks.It is by taking chances
that we learn how to be brave.
Do not shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find.
The quickest way to receive love is to give love; The fastest way to
lose love is to hold it too tightly.
Do not dismiss your dreams.
To be without dreams is to be without hope;
To be without hope is to be without purpose.
Do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have
been, but also where you are going. Life is not a race, but a journey
to be savored each step of the way.
Ice Cream For the Soul
Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year- old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said “God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if mom gets usice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!”
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I heard a woman remark,” That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!”
Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, “Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?” As I held him and assured him that he had done a Terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, “I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.”
“Really?” my son asked. “Cross my heart” he replied. Then in theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), “Too bad she never asks God forice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.” Naturally, I bought my kid’s ice cream at the end of the meal.
My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, “Here, this is for you.Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes and my soul is good already.”
The End
Carrying Books
One afternoon, I saw a kid from my freshman class
walking home from school.
He was quite a duffus. He was laden’d down with what
seemed like all his books. I was wondering “why would
anyone bring home all his books, he must really be a nerd.”
Oh well…. I figured, it was Friday and I had quite a
weekend planned, parties and a football game with my
friends tomorrow afternoon.
As I was walking I saw a bunch of kids running toward the duffus,
they ran past him – knocking all his books down and tripping him
so that he landed sprawled all over the dirt. His glasses went flying
and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him.
He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes,
and my heart went out to him. So I jogged over to him
as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I
saw a tear in his eye. I said to him, “Those guys are jerks,
they really should get lives, you know?” and I handed him his glasses.
He looked at me and said, “Hey Thanks”, and there was a
real smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed
real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books, and asked him
where he lived. He lived near me, and I wondered why I’d never
seen him before. He said he went to a private grammar school.
Well that explained it. I would have never hung with a private
school kid, but the girls on the other hand, well that was different!
Well, we talked all the way home and I carried his books,
he turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted
to play football on Saturday with me and my friends,
cause he said he loved football.
Well, turned out we hung all weekend and the more I got to
know this guy the more I liked him. And my friends thought
the same of him. Monday morning came and there was Kyle
with the huge stack of books again, and I stopped him and said,
“Man boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles
with this pile of books everyday!” He just laughed and handed
me half the books!
Well, the four years passed by and Kyle and I had become best friends,
we were going on to college. He was going to Georgetown, and I was
going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles
would never be a problem. He was going to be a Doctor, and I was
going for a Business Degree on a football scholarship.
The only thing was that Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I would
kid him all the time about being a smart nerd. He had to prepare a
speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn’t me!
Graduation day I saw Kyle and he looked great – he was one of those
guys that really found himself during high school….. filled out…
and he actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than me and
all the girls loved him! Boy, sometimes I was jealous.
Well, today was one of them, I could see he was nervous
about his speech. I smacked him on the back and said,
“Hey big guy, you’ll be great!” He looked at me with one of those
looks, the really grateful ones, and smiled,” Thanks my friend,” he
said.
As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, he began with,
“Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it
through those tough high school years, your parents, your teachers,
your siblings, maybe a coach, but mostly good friends. I am here
to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you
can give another person. I am going to tell you a story, my story.”
I just looked at this handsome man with disbelief as he told the story
of the first day we met.
He told about how he had cleaned out his locker of all his books and
stuff so he could at least spare his mom from that pain, because he
had it all figured out. His plans had been to kill himself over the
weekend.
He looked at me with those big grateful eyes, and said, “Thankfully,
I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable.”
I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome popular boy
told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and Dad,
and with tearful eyes they looked at me and smiled that same
grateful smile I saw my friend smile so many times in the last
4 years, not till that moment understanding how truly grateful it
was.”
Never under estimate the power of kindness, with one small token
you can change a persons life….. even save it!
Kittlyn
