"Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience."

"We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police."

"War does not determine who is right - only who is left."

"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad."

”The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

”If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.”

”Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.”

”A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”

”I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.”

”A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.”

"We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control."

"Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off."

"I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."

"He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame."

"A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip."

"How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?"

"Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason."

But this tops it all;

”You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.”