I review stuff. More to the point, I review the crap and say exactly what I think of it.

Some have asked why I don't write stories of my own. Well, I have. There are many stories on ff.net by me. But since I don't write nice reviews with bunnies, there may be the temptation for people to strike back at me by writing poor reviews for my stuff. If I get bad reviews (and it does happen) I'd like to know that they're real and not just the product of a whiny little brat who didn't like me picking on them.

If your story isn't as bad as I say, there should be a lot of people telling you otherwise. If there aren't, maybe that should tell you something.

If you see yourself described below, prepare to be visited by me:

1. Do you write stories in which grammatical and spelling errors are the norm rather than the exception? (There's really no excuse for this, online dictionaries exist and people are around to proofread your work)

2. Do you write stories loaded with blatent mischaracterizations, or claim that you can warp established characters however you will because it's YOUR story? (Fanfic means you draw from other sources. If you want to just make things up, that's called original fiction. Know the difference.)

3. Do you include a disclaimer to the effect that you, as the author, don't think your story is very good? (This is called "fishing for compliments" and it generally doesn't work on anyone, least of all me)

4. Do you produce works of less than 1000 words that were obviously written in half an hour's time with no proofreading that you then claim to be on par with classic literature? (Bursting egos is one of my favorite pasttimes)

5. Do you claim to have deliberately written someting bad just to get a rise out of people? (There's enough crap out there without making more on purpose)

6. Do you whine and moan after I review you once, write something else just as hideous, and expect me to remain silent? (I'll rise to the challenge)

7. Do you think that this is "just for fun" and that therefore you can produce garbage without having anyone call you on it? (ff.net is a public forum. If you want to do it "just for fun", don't make us suffer through it!)

8. Do you think that if I don't like it, I just shouldn't read it? (I could say the same thing to you about my reviews!)

Feel free to hate me. Feel free to block me from reviewing you. Erase and re-post your story if you can't stand to see my review in your column. If you want to engage in debate, I'm game, and if you want to send me E-mail telling me what a creep I am I might even read it.

My one piece of advice to all those I review is to get a beta-reader. Find someone who will be as honest as I am BEFORE you post your story, fix the problems, and then post it. Make sure this person is not someone who will think everything you produce is gold no matter how putrid it is (your mother is not an acceptable choice for this position). You'll be doing all of us, including yourself, a great favor.