Age: NOT TELLING YOU!!

Height: 4'9''...I hope

New life's Ambition: Nailing Jello to a tree.

I did what they say and chose the road less traveled... Now where the heck am I?

I smile because I have no idea what's going on!

Be a loser! Because being cool is soo overrated!

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes

People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door.

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

The road to success is always under construction.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

No I won't go to hell! It has a restraining order against me.

I'm not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

I live in my own little world- but it's ok, they know me there.

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my super powers.

Being mature is overrated.

Slinky + Escalator = Endless fun!

One out of four people is insane. Look at three of your friends. If it's not them, it's you

"What you're looking for is always in the last place you look" (Me: Well, DUH, smart one! After you find it, you stop looking!)

You're just jealous because the voices in my head talk to me and not you.

I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

If you slap anyone who tells you that Edward Cullen is not real, copy and paste this into your profile

Twilight Oath
I promise to remember Bella
Each time I carelessly fall down
And I promise to remember Edward
Whenever I'm out of town
I promise to obey traffic laws
For Charlies sake of course
And I promise to remember Jacob
When my heart fills with remorse
I promise to remember Carlisle
When ever I am in the Emergency Room
And I promise to remember Emmett
Every time there's a huge boom
I promise to to remember Rose
Whenever I see someone that holds pure beauty
And I promise to remember Alice
When I'm at a mall and a cute outfit spots me
I promise to remember Nessie
When I see that beautiful curly hair
And I promise to remember Esme
When someone tells me they care
I promise to remember Jasper
Whenever my emotions are unfurled
And I promise to remember the Volturi
When someone speaks of dominating the world
Yes I promise to love Twilight
Wherever I may go
So that all may see my obsession
Because I know what the Twilighters know

1. You can enjoy the bouquet while resisting the wine.
2. The future is not set in stone.
3. Men are crabby when they're hungry.
4. Nothing beats an irritable grizzly bear.
5. True love knows no boundaries.
6. Some people are just danger magnets.
7. Even eternal enemies can work together to save something they love.
8. Forget the fangs - real vampires sparkle!
9. Soul mates exist, even if it takes 100 years to find them.
10. Porshe 911 Turbos make really great bribes.
11. Friendship is like the sun on a cloudy day.
12. Snow just means it's too cold for rain.
13. Family is about more than just blood.
14. What's worth doing is worth over-doing.
15. Losing your temper can be hair-raising.
16. "Vegetarian" has many meanings.
17. Even monsters can hold on to their humanity.
18. There are exceptions to every rule.
19. Always verify bad news before doing something stupid.
20. Hearing voices in your head doesn't necessarily mean you're crazy.
21. Love means being willing to sacrifice your happiness for another's.
22. Cold hands = Warm heart.
23. Not breathing is uncomfortable.
24. Stupid lambs and masochistic lions make quite a pair.
25. Romeo was an idiot.
26. Twilight is the saddest and saefest time of day.
27. Extreme sports should not be attempted alone.
28. Life is worth very little without someone to share it with.
29. Space heaters can be very annoying.
30. Grand Theft Auto is bad...unless its a porche
31. Love can make even the most miserable places paradise.

One day we will look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Boys are like slinkeys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

All the good ones are either gay, married, vampires or fictional characters in books or movies.

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away (if well aimed).

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers. (Stupid psychiatrist. :P )

You know your addiction to Twilight is getting dangerous when you've added "Volterra" to your computer's dictionary.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.

If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.

Edward Cullen made every girl want a bloodthirsty vampire instead of a knight in shining armor.

An enemy of my enemy, is my friend.

Jacob Black glared at the children dressed as vampires and he knew it wasn't right when he lied and told them there was no candy left. (haha, I love this one. I am SO Team Edward)

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

I had a friend once. Then the rope broke and he got away.

I like you. When I rule the world, your death shall be quick and painless.

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I didn't fail, the past 10,000 tries just didn't work.

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either. ;)

Don't you dare tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.

When life hands you a lemon, squirt life in the eye and run like fire.

I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes, that way you'll be a mile away and have their shoes.

Tired of living and scared of dying: Become a vampire!

How many roads must a man walk down to admit he's lost?

Hippopotomonstrousaequipodaliophobic - Fear of long words. (I'm serious, this is true!!)

It’s great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who’s bald.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand

So many boys, so many reasons to stay alone

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.

Do you want to know why I'm still on earth? Heaven kicked me out and hell is afraid I'll take over!

A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.

The cops never find it as funny as you do.

Having the love of your life say that you can still be friends is like your mom saying you can still keep your dog after it died.

Forget a prince with a horse, I want a vampire with a volvo!!

Go hug a cactus!

Emmett is the Strongest,
Edward is the fastest,
But Jasper can sit alone in a corner and still make you feel jealous.

Sometimes a road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

MENstrual pain, MENstrual cramps, MENstrual anxiety, MENtal anxiety, MENopause, MENingitis. Notice our problems begin with MEN!!

Psh, screw the Dark Side. So what if they have cookies? Come to the Light Side, we have Edward Cullen!

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

You have a right to your opinions; I just don't want to hear them.

I'm not easily distracted, I... Hey, is that guy SPARKLING??

Growing old is mandatory, Growing up is optional.

Live forever, or die trying.

One day,we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject

If you wish to make a man your enemy, tell him simply, "You are wrong." This method works every time.

Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity.

When life gives you lemons throw them back and demand Edward.

Emmett, when you laugh, I’ll laugh. When you dry sob, I’ll dry sob. But when you get arrested for trying to be the hulk, I’ll laugh and tell Carlisle.

Do that again and I'll give you a papercut RIGHT IN FRONT OF JASPER!

I keep trying to kidnap Edward but every time I try Alice is there waiting for me with a baseball bat. How does she- Oh. Right.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop!

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

When you laugh, I'll laugh, you cry, I cry, you fall down that ski slope, I laugh even harder.

The second mouse gets the cheese. (That brave, brave first mouse..)

It's Band GEEK, not Band NERD. If you are going to try to insult me, at least do it right!

Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you know you have an unhealthy obsession with one or all of the Cullens (coughEdwardcough), but you don't really care because even though admitting you have a problem is the first step to healing, frankly, you don't wanna heal.

In my world, pages 73-381 of New Moon don't exist.

If you can't beat them, join them
If you can't join them, sue them,
then rub it in their faces.

God made man, and then said, "I can do better than that," and made woman.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

But Jacob? Jacob, who was just Jacob, and nothing more than that? Jacob, My friend? Jacob, the only human I'd ever been able to relate to...

And he wasn't even human. (New Moon, pg. 294)

Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried to slam a revolving door.

I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Someone told me: Go to hell!

Me: I can't. They put a restraining order on me...

Engineering: 'How will this work?' Science:'Why will this work?' Management: 'When will this work?' Liberal Arts:'Do you want fries with that?'"

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; I'm not sure about the universe.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When you wish upon a star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.

There are easier things in life than finding a good man ... nailing Jell-O or ice to a tree, for instance.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

A positive attitude may not solve all of your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

Keep smiling- it makes everyone wonder what you’re up too

Firefighter: At one point we decided to fight fire with fire. Well, basically... your house burned even faster.

There's no such thing as a stupid question, until you ask it.

We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police do.

Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them

If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can't fix it, you have a serious problem.

The world is cruel... get used to it!

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If the world gives you lemons, you can make lemonade... or you can make a biologically engineered virulent air-born pathogenic virus that will wipe out the entire population of the planet, which would be a whole lot cooler.

Would you like a cookie? So would I.

The chances of getting hit by lightning increase if you stand under a tree, shake your fist to the sky, and yell: "Storms Suck!"

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

When life gives you lemons, take half and squirt those in the eyes of your enimes, and use the other half to make a refreshing glass of lemonade after all your hard work.

Only a Twilight fan can look at a girl just bitten by a vampire and go "Awww, that's so sweet!"

Psychology. Mind over matter. Mind under matter? Does it matter? Never mind.

arents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

I wasn't born yesterday, and neither were you. If you were, congratulations on learning how to read at such a young age.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you!

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Sometimes...

When you cry,

No one sees your tears.

Sometimes...

When you are in pain,

No one sees your hurt.

Sometimes...

When you are worried,

No one sees your stress.

Sometimes...

When you are happy,

No one sees your smile.

But FART, just ONE time...
And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!! You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!

Can't eat pork,

Swine flu

Can't eat chicken,

Bird flu

Can't eat Beef,

Mad cow...

Can't eat eggs,

Salmonella.

Can't eat fish,

heavy metal poisons in their waters.

Can't eat fruits and veggies,

insecticides and herbicides.

Hmmmmmmmmm!!

M

M

M

M

M

M

M

M

M

M

M

I believe that leaves Chocolate and ice cream!!

Remember - - - 'STRESSED'

spelled backwards! is

'DESSERTS

║▌│█│║▌║││█║▌│║▌║ ORIGINAL TWILIGHT FAN ® (I ROCK!)