"There is no greater invitation to love than loving first."

"When I got to the top of Everest, I was tired."

"Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun."

"I have PMS and a gun. Any questions?"

"Viriginity is like a bubble. One little prick and it's gone."

"This'd be kinda funny if it wasn't for all the...ya'know...killing...and destruction...and stuff..."

"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"Ebening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't."

"Cheer up, the worst is yet to come!"

"I like work. It fanscinates me. I sit and look at it for hours."

"Some day, we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car."

"There are very few personal problems that can not be solved by a suitable application of high explosives."

"Last night, I look up at all the beautiful stars in the sky and thought to myself: Where the heck is the ceiling?"

-WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY-

At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Insist that your e mail address is Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favours.'

Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area.

Insist to others that you like it that way.

Dont use any punctuation

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people what sex they are.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.

Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess".

Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!".

Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do".

Tell your children over dinner "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go".

Every time you see a broom yell "Honey, your mother is here".

FACTS EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW:

BUTTERFLIES TASTE WITH THEIR FEET.

A DUCK QUACK DOESN'T ECHO, AND NO ONE KNOWS WHY.

IN TEN MINUTES, A HURRICANE RELEASES MORE ENERGY THAN ALL THE WORLD'S NUCLEAR WEAPONS COMBINED.

THE HUMAN VAGINA IS 10X CLEANER THAN THE HUMAN MOUTH.

100 PEOPLE CHOKE TO DEATH ON BALLPOINT PENS EVERY YEAR.

ON AVERAGE, PEOPLE FEAR SPIDERS MORE THAN THEY DO DEATH.

35% OF PEOPLE USING PERSONAL ADS ARE ALREADY MARRIED.

ELEPHANTS ARE THE ONLY ANIMALS THAT CAN'T JUMP.

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO LEAD A COW UPSTAIRS.

WOMEN BLINK NEARLY TWICE AS MUCH AS MEN.

THE MAIN LIBRARY AT INDIANA UNIVERSITY SINKS OVER AN INCH EVER YEAR BECAUSE WHEN IT WAS BUILT, ENGINEERS FAILED TO TAKE INTO ACCOUNT THE WEIGHT OF ALL THE BOOKS THAT WOULD OCCUPY THE BUILDING.

A SNAIL CAN SLEEP FOR THREE YEARS.

AVERAGE LIFE SPAN OF A MAJOR LEAUGE BASEBALL: 7 PITCHES.

THE ELECTRIC CHAIR WAS INVENTED BY A DENTIST.

ALL POLAR BEARS ARE LEFT HANDED.

IN ANCIENT EGYPT, PRIESTS PLUCKED EVERY HAIR FROM THEIR BODIES, INCLUDING PUBES, EYEBROWS, AND EYELASHES.

AN OSTRICH'S EYE IS BIGGER THAN IT'S BRAIN.

IF BARABIE WAS REAL, HER MEASUREMENTS WOULD BE 39-23-33. SHE'D BE SEVEN FEET, TWO INCHES TALL.