You know you live in 2009 when...
1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.
2.) You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years
3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they don't have a screen-name or MySpace
4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV
6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.
7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.
8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.
9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.
10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.
11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.
12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did.

'Cute but evil. Things even out.'

Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried to slam a revolving door.

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of

battle."

Nine out of ten people will tell you that happiness is just around the corner. One out of ten agree but know that you have to get to the damn corner first. These are the people to follow in an emergency.

Whoever said ‘Nothings Impossible’ never tried nailing jell-O to a tree

"It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion, it is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed, the hands acquire shaking, the shaking becomes a warning, it is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion."

15 Things to do when your in Walmart!

1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.
4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
10. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look"
12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
15.Grap alot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Go, Pikachu, Go"

Come join the dark side. (We have cookies)

Two wrongs may not make a right, but three rights make a left.

When life gives you lemons, make apple juice, and laugh you ass off at all the people who waste their time trying to figure out what you did.

If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Family is like fudge; mostly sweet with a few nuts mixed in.

Time for a question. How come whenever a nerd gets mad enough to cuss, everyone laughs?

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend will be in the next cell over shouting, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, then weird is good.

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor doesn’t exist.

I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege