I A NOT MALE OR FEMALE BUT IN FACT AN EATTHEPENIS! No, wait. I take that back, I'm definitely an ass.

ZOMBIES: The solution to all of the world problems.

Alcohol! Because no good story starts with a salad.

Whenever someone says great minds think a like, I can't help but think 'You dirty bastard!'

Sometimes I question my sanity, but the gummy bears and unicorn told me I'm fine!

I'm watering a shoe, fuck off!

They text me "plz" because it's shorter than "please"
I answer "no" because it's shorter than "yes"

DR. SHELDON COOPER "the guy is one lab accident away from being a super villain"

I'm a bad influence, but damn I'm fun!

DINNER CHOICES
1. take it
2. leave it

You drink too much.
You gossip too much.
You have questionable morals..
You're everything I ever wanted in a friend

REJECTED INVENTIONS
- Edible condoms
- Disappearing driveways
- Electronic shocking doormats
- Glow in the dark body wash
- Remote controlled garbage cans
- Household escalators
- Folding toilets

By any chance were you out running nekked by the lake last night?

If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic

trust get's you killed
love get's you hurt
being real get's you hated

I don't get drunk
I get awesome!

It ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit.

Help your mate in a fight

I WILL EAT YOUR HAPPINESS!
You will starve.

So you can pay $6,445,883 on a commercial for starving kids, but you can't feed them?

If it's not about monkeys and Ping-Pong balls, I'm not interested.

There's always clean up afterwards

Did you know 95% of all statistics are made up?

I swear to drunk I'm not god!

This is my pie chart of my favorite candy bars,
and this bar graph of all my favorite pies!

Old people at weddings always poke me and say "You're next."
So, I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

I MIGHT HAVE A SLIGHT DRINKING PROBLEM...
...MY HUSBAND ASKED ME TO TOAST SOME BREAD FOR HIM... I RAISED MY WINE GLASS AND SAID "HERE'S TO BREAD!"

As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

In order for you to insult me I would first have to value your opinion!

I wish I could lose weight as easy as I lose my keys, pen, phone, my temper, and even my mind!

If at first you don't succeed, take a nap and try again later.

If life gives you lemons, read them! READ ALL OF THEM!

OOPS! Did I buy vodka instead of milk again?

Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.

If life gives you lemons, make grape juice then sit back and watch people wonder how you did it.

I am currently in the planning stages of a hangover.

"Dude, dude, listen, I know how to solve world peace, dude listen!"
"Man, are you high?"
"No, dude listen. Peanut butter is awesome, think about it."
"What are you on?!"
"PEANUT BUTTER! GOD, YOU NEVER LISTEN!"

Grandma Lily: "I can feel my... hair growing. You want some soup?"
Alex: "Grandma, are you high?"
Lily: "Oh, no dear. Drugs are bad, we just drank some of Sofia's tea."
Alex: "What tea grandma?"
Lily: "The tea she left in the little lamp on the shelf."
Alex: "My grandma drank all my pot."
Jeff: "That is great."
*Alex glares at Jeff*
Jeff: "I'm just saying it's cool. I mean, how many people get to say that in their lifetime."

HOW TO CREATE WORLD PEACE
Step 1: get everyone to legalize weed.
Step 2: spread it EVERYWHERE.
Step 3: have everyone (mainly government, president, dictator, etc.) smoke it constantly.
Step 4: GOAL ACHIEVED! CELEBRATE BY SMOKING WEED!

If life gives you lemons, but no ice or sugar, your lemonade is going to suck!

It's Friday! The only two wha are not excited about that are my bank account and my liver.

My taste in music ranges from 'you need to listen to this' to 'I know, please do not judge me'.

Your secrets are safe with me, because there is a good chance I wasn't listening.

Let's get drunk, make mistakes and blame it on alcohol.

I followed my heart. Now I'm at the liquor store.

Is it your turn to take your medication, or mine?

I can't tell if you are on too many drugs or not enough.

I'm way too sober for this shit.

If I didn't get drunk, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2 AM?

Someone keeps putting vegetables in the beer crisper!

It's a lot easier to start the day when you know it will end with beer.

I was so inspired by a group of Saturday morning runners that I plan to briskly skip from my car to the liquor store later today.

3 RULES TO LIVE BY:
Don't shop when you're hungry, don't date when you're horny, and don't update you're status when you're drunk.

"Trust me, you can dance."
-VODKA

I'm planning on having my favorite drink this weekend, it's called a lot.

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she's never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before,

REMEMBER A FEW YEARS AGO WHEN JAIME FOXX SAID MILEY CYRUS WOULD END UP ON A STRIPPER POLE AND HAD TO APOLOGIZE?
I THINK EVERYONE OWES JAIME FOXX AN APOLOGY.

I SAID DRINK IT BITCH!

Chocolate comes from cocoa which comes out of a tree. That makes it a plant. Therefore, chocolate counts as salad.

Being drunk with your friends is the best kind of drunk.

I had a really bad day. First, my ex got run over by a bus. Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver. Bummer.

That awkward moment when you put something in a safe place so you don't lose it, then you forget where that safe place is.

My day isn't a success unless I've pissed someone off. Today was copiously successful.

WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT ELECTRICITY BILL.

Today I will live in the moment, unless something pisses me off, in which case I will grab a beer.

Yesterday I went on a diet, thank god it's over.

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.

Me, a morning person? Pfft. Most days I'm not even an afternoon person!

Hmm... and yet another day has passed and I did not use Algebra once... very interesting.

Mother Nature is a serial killer. No one's better, more creative. Like all serial killers, she can't help the urge to wanna get caught, what good are all those brilliant crimes if no one takes the credit? So she leaves crumbs. Now the hard part, why you spend a decade in school, is seeing the crumbs for the clues they are. Sometimes, the things you thought were the most brutal aspect, turns out to be the chink in its armor. And she loves disguising her weaknesses as strengths, she's a bitch.

Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.

A WOMAN'S POEM
He didn't like the casserole,
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard,
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't make the coffee right,
He didn't like my stew.
I didn't fold his pants
the way his mother used to do.
I ponderd for an answer.
I was looking for a clue.
THEN I TURNED AROUND AND SMACKED THE SHIT OUT OF HIM,
Just like his mother used to do.

FLYNN RIDER the only Disney character to question why everybody is randomly singing.

Feeling, sensations that you thought were dead
No squealing, remember that it's all in your head.

Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color. Choosing socks by their character makes no sense and choosing friends by their color is unthinkable.

WHATEVER DOESN'T KILL ME... HAD BETTER START RUNNING!

When things go wrong, take a moment to be thankful for the many things still going right.

"What would you like?"
"A vodka, please."
"Sir, this is McDonald's."
"Okay, a McVodka, please,"

Oh, gravity... thou art a heartless bitch!

What are you talking about? I meant to run into that wall!

I hope we're friends until we die... and then we stay friends, walking through walls and scaring the shit out of people!

I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it!

When I was born the devil woke in a cold sweat and yelled "OH SHIT, SHE'S HERE!"

Sometimes I open a text and mentally respond, then forget to actually respond.

"Because I'm always hungry."
"Huh?"
"Because I'm always hungry."
"What are you talking about?"
"I was answering your question."
"What question?"
"The one you just asked me!"
"What? I don't remember that."
"How? You literally just asked me that! How could you not remember?!"
"Hmm, must have been your imagination."

Remember, remember the 5th of November.
The gunpowder, treason, and plot.
I know of no reason the gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.

RAPE it can be enjoyed from a third-person point of view.

THINGS THAT UPSET SHELDON COOPER:
-changing the contrast of brightness setting on the television
-taking a band-aid off in front of him
-buying generic ketchup
-forgetting to rinse the sink
-talking to him through the bathroom door
-adjusting the thermostat
-cooking with cilantro
-pronouncing the "t" in often
-making fun of trains
-sitting in his spot

Don't blink, blink and you're dead. They're fast, faster than you can imagine. Don't turn you back. Don't look away. And don't blink. Good luck.

We're trying to defeat the Daleks, not start a jumble sale!

One who finds a faithful friend, finds a treasure.

Try not to confuse "love" with "attatchment" Attatchment is fear and dependency, and has more to do with love of self than another.

Edward isn't a vampire. He lives in a forest, doesn't eat people, and sparkles. HE IS OBVIOUSLY A FAIRY. Wait! I take that back! That would be extremely insulting...
to the fairies.

How do my feet smell if they don't have a nose?

For my birthday I wanna go to build-a-beer!
Um, don't you mean build-a-bear?
No build-a-beer, bears are stupid.

Dad, I got my boyfriend pregnant...
YOU WHAT?! You're grounded missy!No more phone, no more computer, no more outside, and no more boyfriend!
Dad!
What!
Wait for it...
Oh my god! I'm so sorry sweety...

My favorite snack is children with cheese.

Roses are red
Wine is also red
Poems are hard
Wine

I might have a slight drinking problem, the other day I was asked to toast some bread so I raised my glass and said "Here's to bread!"

Laziness is the disease I have.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

So... I heard you like bad boys. Well, not to impress you or anything but whe I went to Disney channel's website, they asked me to ask parents permission... I didn't ask.

If someone pisses you off, just throw a table. I'm sure that will get your point across.

Looks like you need help...
Looks like you need to get the fuck away from me before I call the cops.

PUNCTUATION
I am the difference between helping your uncle jack, off a horse
and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

OMG! YOU DID WHAT? WITH WHO? FOR HOW MANY SKITTLES?!

You mad? DEAL WITH IT!

So, I hear you like bad boys? Well, not trying to impress you or anything, but I pressed the handicapped button that opens the door... I'm not handicapped.

I don't wanna be raped by you!

What makes 5 pounds of fat look good? Nipples!

I wanna be a news reporter, I'm changing my name to Dick Drizzl

I heard you like bad boys? Well, not to sound badass but I don't floss every day.

When I get old I'm gonna start a band called Colostomy Bag.

Here's to nipples. Without them, titties would be pointless!

Yes, I heard you calling me. Did you hear me ignoring you?

I called my grandpa to wish him a happy 69th birthday, he told me he skipped 69 and went straight to 70. when I asked why he said "Because I don't bend that way anymore..."

Whoever said words don't hurt has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.

Whoever says nothing is imposible never tried to staple water to a tree, or slam a revolving door.

I bet I can make you say red! What color is your phone?
Sure, black.
Told you I can make you say black!
No, you said red.
AND THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE BITCHES!

VIOLENCE, IF IT'S NOT SOLVING ALL YOUR PROBLEMS YOUR SIMPLY NOT USING ENOUGH OF IT.

Stupidity, it's like a virus... and no one is safe.

I spy another rape opportunity!

Wanna see cell division?
o
0
8
o o

It's times like this I see why I have to make a list of people who need to die.

You need to behave, I have important guests comming over today and I...
Are they hookers?
No
And like that, you lost me.

If you don't quit, I'm going to cut off your dick and shove it up your ass!

I call starting the first British Mafia!
But we're not Brittish.
Soo...
To hell with that, we're American! Let's start an American Mafia!
...This is why we're friends.

Normal is the only weird out there.