-Whoever said that nothing's impossible obviously hasn't tried slamming a revolving door.
-Whoever said "Words don't hurt" obviously hasn't gotten a hard-back encyclopedia thrown at his head before.
-When the going gets tough, kick whoever made it that way.
-Behind every great man is a woman shaking her head and rolling her eyes.
-When you cry, I cry. When you laugh, I laugh. When you leap off a cliff, I laugh harder.
-If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. If you can't join 'em, bribe 'em. If you can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em. If you can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em. If you can't kill 'em, you’re screwed.
-Rhetorical questions are persuasive, aren't they?
-He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke at first.
-Life is difficult. It's full of trials, sorrow and pain. However, if you fall down, just stand up straight, be confident and say...
"WHICH IDIOT PUSHED ME?!"
-Silence is gold. Duct tape is silver.
-If you do it, you'll regret it. If you don't do it, you'll regret it. Either way, you're still gonna regret it, so why not just do it?
-A mechanic once told someone, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
-A drunken man once said this to a cop. "Here Officer, hold my beer while I find my license."
-Ignorance killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
-Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
-Best friends for life! ...or at least 'till our next fight.
-Isn't it funny how a heart shape is just two teardrops upside down?
-I'm only smiling 'cos I have no idea what's going on.
-I looked up at the stars one night and thought, "Where the heck did my ceiling go?!"
-People say life's short. I say I'm shorter.
-As an older, more mature adult, your job is to...make fun of the little kids!
-What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you realize that you're on fire? Do you remember to stop, drop and roll? Or do you just start running around in circles, screaming, "I'M ON FIRE!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!"
-I was never anyone's friend in the first place, therefore I can't be called a traitor.
-If a safety pin, duct tape or a band-aid can't fix it, then you have a serious problem.
-Give me a chance to shine and I will blind the world!
-Three people can keep a secret if two are dead.
-I'm gonna live forever!...Or die trying.
-A man walked into a bar and said..."OUCH!!"
-War doesn't determine who's right, it determines who's left.
-Come to the dark side, we have cookies!
-I went to the dark side. Yeah, they lied about the cookies.
-Dear Dark Side, you may have the cookies, but we have the MILK!
-I stopped fighting with my inner demons. We're on the same side now.
-OMG! THE RAIN'S WET!
-I'm not AD--Ooh, look, a butterfly!
-ADOSH: Attention Deficit-Ohh Shiny Thing.
-I'm a dinosaur, so, like, rawr and stuff.
-God made men first, then he had a better idea!
-Nope, can't go to Hell. Satan still has that restraining order against me...
-I reject your reality and substitute my own.
-Women are angels. When someone breaks our wings, we continue flying...on broomsticks.
-I'm probably the coolest dork you'll ever meet.
-I'm cute...now give me my cookies.
-Boys in books are just...Better!
-It takes skill to trip over flat surfaces.
-You couldn't handle me...even in your wildest dreams.
-ADHD writer: Once upon a -- no...There was once a -- no...THE END! .
-You know you're a geek when procrastination doesn't affect your grades.
-I have nothing against God, it's his fan club I can't stand!
-I had a friend once, but then the rope broke and he got away.
-I didn't mean to hurt your feelings...I was aiming for your face.
-I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking too good, either.
-Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, and then kill them.
-It's you and me versus the world...we attack at dawn.
-Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear intelligent until you hear them speak.
-This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence.
-They say, "Guns don't kill people. People kill people." Well, I think the gun helps. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

Boys are like trees-they take 50 years to grow up.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you’re a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile.

My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it’s gone.

I'm the kind of girl who would fall flat on my face, get up, laugh my head off, and say " That was fun!

“Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.”

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.”

Life isn’t passing me by, it’s trying to run me over.

Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.

Was that an earthquake, or did I just rock your world?

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Secret admirers are stalkers with stationary.

Did you know Sarcasm is your body’s natural defense against stupidity?

Never knock on Death’s door, ring the doorbell and run away, he hate that.

Paper may beat rock, but cannon ball make big hole in paper.

The pen may be mightier than the sword, but my keyboard can crush your crummy pen!

Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

Don’t follow me, I’m lost too.

This is Bob. Bob likes sharp things. I suggest you run from Bob.

Definition of Your Mom: How to answer a question when you’re bored

Definition of homework: Some form of crude mind control still used in some primitive areas.

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliff.

I’m not afraid of Death, what’s it gonna do, kill me?

I’ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.

When life gives you lemons, chuck them at people you hate.

It doesn’t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full just drink it and get it over with.

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.

The world is full of crazy people. THEY MADE ME THEIR LEADER.

So what if we act like immature idiots? We’re having fun.

When French people swear do they say pardon my English?

Aren’t the ‘good things that come to those who wait’ just the leftovers from the people that got there first?

If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out”?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Isn’t it funny how the word ‘politics’ is made up of the words ‘poli’ meaning ‘many’ in Latin, and ‘tics’ as in ‘bloodsucking creatures’?

Why isn’t chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa
beans, and all beans are a vegetable?

Life sucks and then you die.

Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?

Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?

Why do people say, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too”? Why would someone get cake if they can’t eat it?

“When life hand you lemons, throw those lemons right back at it and tell life to make its own dang lemonade”

Don’t mess with me I’ve got a stick.

Darth Vader- "Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES!"
Luke Skywalker- "Nah, the rebels have cake."
Darth Vader- "ooh! Can I be a rebel?!"

I smile because I have no idea what’s going on!

Life was so simple when boys had cooties

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends

Boys are like slinkies, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

I ran with scissors, and lived!

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

I’m the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n’ slide.

I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

I don’t obsess! I think intensely.

Of course I’m talking to myself. Who else can I trust?

Let me know if anything I say offends you, I might wanna offend you later.

One way to figure out how things work, push all the buttons!

The dinosaur extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

When everything's coming your way, your in the wrong lane.

I didn't fall. i was just testing gravity. Yup, still works.

Dumb place to put it

on a Myer hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap". (And that would be how?)

On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost". (Well, *shrugs* it's just a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu desert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down". (Well...its a bit late don't you think?)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". (*tilts head to side* I wonder why...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". (But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts. Yup. Defiantly.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness". (And...I'm taking this because?)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". (As opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:"Not to be used for the other use". (Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts". (News flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts". (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly"(Hmm.. I wonder.. WEEEEE!!!!!!! owww.).

got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the w's.

Boys are like Slinky's. Useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

I used all my sick days so I called in dead.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you!

Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible?

Labels are for cans, and in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a can!

Excuse me. Have you seen my sanity? I think I've lost it...

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried to slam a revolving door.

Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

Hippopotomonstrousaequipodaliophobia - Fear of long words.

Do not doubt my sanity... I have none.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

I was going to take over the world but I got distracted by something sparkly.

People that don't know me think I'm quiet. People that do wish I was.

Wear short sleeves! Support the right to bare arms!

You can't buy happiness, but you can buy ice-cream; which is kinda the same thing.

Sometimes I wonder "Why is the Frisbee getting bigger?" then, it hits me.

You can't spell "diet" without "die"!

Pluto 1930-2007 R.I.P. Revolve In Peace.

I am going to put an end to my procrastination problem. . . tomorrow.

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

How is it possible to have a "civil" war?

I don't suffer from insanity- I enjoy every minute of it.