![]() Author has written 1 story for Vampire Diaries. 20 ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity 1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if anyone slows down. 2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that 4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In" 5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone is over their caffeine addictions, switch to expresso 6. In the memo field of all your checks write, "For Smuggling Diamonds" 7. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance to the Prophecy" 8. Don't use any punctuation 9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk 10. Order diet water with a serious face whenever you go out to eat 11. Specify that your Drive-Thru order is To Go 12. Sing Along at the opera 13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day 14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme 15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't go to their party because you're not in the mood 16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom 17. When money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won!" 18. When leaving the zoo, start running and screaming "Run for your lives! They're loose!" 19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go" 20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity, post this on your profile and make somebody smile! Girly girl-Omg! My pants have dirt on them!! I HAVE TO CALL MY MOM!! Me- #ROLLS IN MUD You guys just don't get it. Boys- You're wierd! Me- And proud of it. Boys- Why are you proud to be weird? Me- Because, that means I'm not the same as all of you. I am my own person. Girly girl-Ew, whats with your face? Me-It's called a REAL smile, you should try it some time. Girly girls- Heehee heehee! Me- BWAHAAHAHAHA SNORT hAHAHAHAHAHHHAAAAAA!! DROOLS A LITTLE Girly girl-Oh, heeeeey Boy! winks me- Yo, man hows it going? Smiles Girly girl- One hair sticks out Omg! Look how messy my hair is! Me- Leaves and grass stick out You still don't get it... Girly girl- Of course I get out of bed looking this good! Me- I get out of bed and look like the boogie monster. girly Girl- sleeps perfectly like sleeping beauty Me- snores loudly, kicks the sheet off, almost drowns in drool Spoiled brat- But mom!! EVERYONE has an Iphone, and I don't! iT"S NOT FAIR!! Spoiled brats mom-no sweetie. Spoiled brat- I HATE YOU! YOU DONT LOVE MEEEEE!! crys Me- Hey mom, can I get this book? Mom- no. Me- okay. do you see the differences here? Female Comebacks Man: Where have you been all my life? Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Man: Is this seat empty? Man: Your place or mine? Man: So, what do you do for a living? Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Man: Your body is like a temple. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together Man: Your eyes they're amazing. You laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You hurt, I hurt. You jump off a bridge, I get a paddle boat and save your sorry butt The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide. This is weird, but interesting! If you can raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed erveylteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt 1) I NEED TO TELL YOU A SECRET (LO0K AT #5) Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6 If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to your mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which button to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press, no one will answer. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you. GOOD FRIEND VS. BEST FRIEND Good Friend-Hands you your shoe if it falls off. Good Friend-Helps you up if you fall down. Good Friend-Will rush over right away to comfort you if you're house burns down. Good Friend-Will pay your bail if you're arrested for DUI. Good Friend-Will call your parents by their first names. Good Friend-Knocks on your door and wits for you to answer. Good Friend-Acts like a guest at your house. Good Friend-Will watch what's already on the TV. Good Friend-Waits for you after school if you get detention. Good Friend-Will help you with your chores. Good Friend-Will lend you money and not expect you to pay them back. Good Friend-Will comfort you if your boyfriend breaks up with you. Good Friend-Will have little "inside jokes" with you. Good Friend-Will come and get you if you call to say you're lost. Good Friend-Will try to talk you out of bungee-jumoing off the Empire State Building. Good Friend-Disagrees if you say words can't hurt you. Good Friend-Would give you the last life jacket on a sinking ship. Good Friend-Will ask if you're okay, and when you say "I'm fine" they'll drop it. A good friend will tell you what you want to hear. A good friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A good friend will be there for you all through school. A good friend will bail you out of prison. A good friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A good friend hates it when you call after they’ve gone to bed. A good friend wonders about your romantic history. A good friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. A good friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A good friend has never seen you cry. A good friend doesn’t know your parents’ first names. A good friend expects you to always be there for them. A good friend is someone you enjoy hanging out with. FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink. FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa. FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail. FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry. FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number. FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back. FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you. FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing. FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door. FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone. FRIENDS: Are only through highschool/college. (aka: drinking buddies) FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough. Pledge 1. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 2. When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in. 3. When you are scared, I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 4. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining. 5. When you are confused, I will use little words. 6. When you are sick, stay the heck away from me until you are well. I don't want whatever you have. 7. When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt. This is my oath. I pledge it until the end. "Why?" you may ask. Because you are my friend. Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can truly feel its warmth. Quotes of awesomeness You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, and I laugh even harder A wise man once said "I don't know go ask a woman" It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 muscles to smile, but only 4 to reach out and slap someone Don't knock on deaths door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that Vegetarian: Indian word for 'lousy hunter'. Boys are like trees – they take fifty years to grow up Boys are like slinkies – useless but fun to watch fall down the stairs Normality will be restored as soon as we figure out what it is. Be yourself. That's crazy enough. You always get whats coming to you; unless it gets lost in the mail. Silence is golden but duct tape is silver. I guess I can settle for second place. They say guns don't kill people. People kill people. Well, I think guns help. I mean, if you just stood there and yelled, "BANG!" i don't think you'd kill many people Flying is not inherently dangerous- crashing is. I have animal magnetism-- when I go outside, squirrels stick to my sleeves. The trouble with real life is that there is no background music I have not lost my mind; its backed up on a disk somewhere Beware the letter 'G'. It is the end of everything. Forecast for tonight: darkness If you try to fail and succeed, which one did you do? I am reading a most interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. How come when you mix water with sugar, you get glue and then when you add eggs and sugar you get cake? Where does the glue go? If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked something Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall through a sewer hole and die. There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line I'm not random I just have many thoughts I'm the kind of person who walks into a chair and apologizes I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it Love your enemies. It gets them really confused. If a species is to triumph and prevail, the female of the species must be more deadly than the male. Don't ever argue with an idiot. They'll bring you down to their level and beat you through experience. To oppose something is to maintain its existence. If people lead, the leaders will follow. Some people are born great, some people achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. If you had a life you would stop talking about mine We're not retreating! We're advancing in a different direction! Heaven doesn't want me there and Hell knows I'll take over. Don't make me angry, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies Wanna know how to keep an idiot busy? Take him into a round room and tell him to sit in a corner. People are like slinkies. Basically useless and yet its so amusing to watch them fall down stairs There is no great genius without a mixture of madness When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. You, you, and you panic. The rest of you follow me. Lately the only thing keeping me from becoming a serial killer is my dislike for manual labor. PMS: Every woman's legal right to be a *. Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them as much If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with nonsense When life gives you lemons make grape juice, lay back, and let the world wonder how you did it. I'm mature and you're not. Nah nah nah nah nah nah! Eat healthy. Work right. Die anyway. I have a dream and in it, something eats you. Its always funny until someone gets hurt. Then its hysterical My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems If aliens are looking for intelligent life, why the heck are you scared?! I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse. I know KUNG-FU and 42 other dangerous words Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhh its a secret! Looking for a perfect girl? Go buy yourself a barbie doll. By the time you finished reading this you'll realize you just wasted 5 seconds of your life I burst laughing out in class today...I got that joke you told yesterday Have you considered suing your brain for non-support? I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my *! I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it! Wherever there is life there is love Boy break hearts so why don't we break their necks? I'm NOT SHORT!! ... I'm fun sized! Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses! When you call us * we just look at each other and crack up, because we knew that WAAAAAAAAAAY BEFORE YOU DID! Exactly how much fun can I have before I go to hell? HELL-Where all the fun people end up! I'm smiling cause I'm your sister, I'm laughing cause theres nothing you can do about it! If I had half a mind..I would still be smarter than you!! Flying is simple, you just throw yourself at the ground and miss. Some say the glass is half full, others the glass is half empty, all I want to know is who's drank my water! All people have the right to stupidity but some people abuse the privilege. Where there's a will...I want to be in it. A clean house is a sign of a broken computer I only know how to do things three ways: the right way, the wrong way, and my way... which is the wrong way only faster. To catch me you got to be fast, to find me you got to be smart, but to be me? Dang you must be kidding... Life isn't about the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away. Like choking. Due to recent cutbacks and until further notice, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked "brightness," but it doesn't work. MENtal pain, MENtal anxiety, MENstrual cramps, MENopause... all our problems start with men! Come to the dark side. We have cookies. In order to lose your mind, you have to have one in the first place. Slinky Escalator = Endless Fun! Being weird is like being normal, only better Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. Let's flip a coin-heads we'll be together, tails we flip again. Normal is just a setting on washing machines My favorite word is sarcasm. Everything here is edible. I'm edible, but that is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies. OMB- Oh My Buddha All the good ones are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies. When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it A good friend helps you up when you fall. A best friend laughs at you and trips you again Whoever said "Nothing is impossible" has obviously never tried slamming a revolving door Stupid Warnings: This is a list of all the stupid warnings on the products most of us use daily. 1. Children's Asprin: Warning: Keep Away From Children 2. Peanuts: Warning: Product May Contain Nuts 3. Curling Iron: Warning: Do not use while sleeping 4. Candle: Warning: Warning, A burning candle is fire 5. Frozen Pizza: Warning: Do not eat before cooking 6. Blanket from Taiwan: Warning: Not To Be Used As Protection From A Tornado 7. Frisbee: Warning: May Contain Small Parts. (Where are these small parts...) 8. Butcher Knife: Warning: Keep Out of Children 9. Railroad Sign: Warning: Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted. 10. Hair Coloring: Warning: Do not use as an ice cream topping 11. Dial Soap: Warning: Use like regular soap 12. Sleeping Pills: Warning: May Cause Drowsiness. (Damn i thought they made you more awake) 13. Puzzle: Warning: Some Assembly Required 14. Japanese Food Processor: Warning: Not to be used for the other use 15. Korean Kitchen Knife: Warning: Not to be used in Children. (I have a feeling some words were lost in translation) 16. On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. 17. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (shoplifting mode activated) 18. On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and how is that done...) 19. On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. 20. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. 21. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. 22. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. 23. On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. 24. On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. 25. On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. 26. On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. 27. On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. 28. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. 29. On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. 30. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (way to ruin my childhood) |
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