Some Of My Favorite Quotes:

Life is just a phase you're going through...you'll get over it.

No matter how bad things get, you got to go on living, even if it kills you.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?

Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun to eat a big one?

Why do people who don’t want to go to hell bury themselves 6 ft. closer?

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

People who point at their wrist while asking for
the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the
heck is yours? Do I point at my privates when I ask
where the toilet is?

When people say "it's always the last place you
look".
Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking
after you've found it?

When people say "life is short". What?
Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!
What can you do that's longer?

I'm allergic to pain, I break out in cuts and bruises

If I won't be myself, who will

Insanity is a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.