Nar Shaddaa

Julienne's mode of dress the next day was so ordinary as to not excite comment and she applied makeup to deemphasize her features rather than the normal purpose of highlighting them. Even to herself, she looked tired and worn out and that was not all make up.

"So what are we doing today?" Shem asked.

"Questions, lots of questions," she said. "Get dressed," she motioned toward two of the bigger boxes. "Armor for you in there. And I may give you a facial scar or two to make you look more intimidating."

After closer inspection, he asked, "Is this even real armor?" he asked.

"It is, but the newest fad is for your bodyguards to look a little rough around the edges," she said. He began to buckle it on piece by piece until he looked like a grizzled veteran of many a conflict.

"You still look too young," she commented. "How have you managed survive so much war without any visible scars?"

"I heal well," he said. "It tends not to leave scars."

She nodded. His healing had clearly taken an advanced step forard so it followed that he would have fewer marks than a normal soldier. He certainly would not havve removed the scars out of vanityy. "Well, put your old boots on and check out your weapons. I will give you a scar last, before we leave." She watched him check out the weapons she provided and despite never seeing him use pistols or rifle, he broke them down and looked very proficient. When he presented his shabby looking self to the bathroom, Julienne skillfully applied makeup to make him look a little older and gave him a few slight scars.

"Nice; you look quite grizzled."

"Why not just buy me a helmet?" he asked.

"Because I want to see you scowling and grumpy today," she said.

"You are the boss," he said in his best militaristic voice.

"Exactly," she said. It was another attempt at humor, but she could not summon up a smile. She could feel his scowl and turned to regard him. "There! That is exactly the look I want to see. Slightly bored but ready and dangerous at the same time."

"I will try my best," he mumbled.

She proceeded to drag him through a number of clandestine meetings and she could tell he was bored, but there was no help for it. Their meetings took place in all sorts of odd places; one was a large space yacht dealership; one was in a dark alley next to a pile of trash; one was in a run-down restaurant where they actually ate a meal before the meeting began. Well, she ate a meal and Shemric patrolled around her table.

After conversing will several different beings in multiple meetings, Shemric commented. "None of these folks look afraid of you anymore. They look afraid of passing you information."

"That is because the information is very dangerous," was all she would say. Only the last meeting had really revealed anything that she could use. It was not even a name; just a place where certain sorts of people hung out. She shook her head. She should have know information on the Emperor's past would be nearly impossible to dig up.

It was the last meeting where things got out of hand.

Monikas sensed Shemric's tension and was glad he was there. This meet was the most dangerous. Six or seven rough-looking fellows of different species stepped out of the shadows and she knew this was an ambush. One of them, a Neimodian, stepped forward. "We hear you are looking for information. We think maybe you should not really be doing that. We would very much like to know who you are."

I expected this meeting to be different. Get ready to move on my signal.

The Neimoidian came closer. "Sometimes it is better not to seek information about certain parties," he said. "Sometimes questions should not be answered."

"Are you here to provide answers?" said Julienne in a light voice. "We pay well for filling the gaps in our knowledge."

"Spending your money will do us no good if we are dead," he said.

"Whoa, why are we talking about dying?" she continued. She had really hoped to find out the last piece of the puzzle, but this was not looking good. "I am just a seeker for knowledge."

"Do you have the data disc?" said the Neimoidian.

Now I know which of our sources betrayed us, thought Monikas. Feel free to extricate us from this situation however you see fit. But not with the lightsaber or you will have to kill them all.

Okay, I am going to shoot out that light and pull you back with the Force. Get ready to run. Monikas felt herself being jerked back to him and then he spun and engaged the henchmen nearest their position. When he had stunned three of them, he called, Run! And they took off down the alley while the Neimoidian shouted, "Kill them! Kill them!"

They ran then and weaved in and out of alleys and hopped fences for ten or so minutes until they started to come to a more prosperous district where they stopped to catch their breath and then slipped into the night-shopping foot traffic.

"Are we finished for the night?" he asked.

Yes we are, she said. Today was most fruitful and I am tired of walking. . My feet hurt.

Well, if you are nice to me, I might be convinced to rub them for you, he said, smirking. It would not be the first time he had done it.

I will be fine, she said curtly. She led them along the shopping area, peering into shops and occasionally buying something. They kept it up for another half an hour until she came to an aircar dealership and strode in for a test drive. They left with a luxury model with a price that had Shemric sputtering when they flew away with a salesman in the back seat. After about fifteen minutes of flying, Julienne landed on a crowded hotel platform and then turned to the human in the back seat.

"My customers changed their minds," she said.

"My customers changed their minds," he repeated.

"I let them off in the Red Light District," she said.

"I let them out in the Red Light District," he repeated.

"I will return to work now," she said.

"I will return to work now," he repeated.

She strode in and used the exterior lock key she had picked up the previous day. An elevator took them to the 234th floor where she keyed them in with the card. Monikas kicked off her shoes and lay down on the bed. Her feet really were sore.

"So do I get to know what we accomplished today?" he asked when he put down his weapons.

"No," she said. "It is better you not know. The Emperor already wants to kill you. Let us not give him more reasons."

She could sense he was frowning again. How safe are we here?

As safe as we are anywhere in the galaxy, she said.

Well, I am going to wedge the door and put out a couple of sensors, he said.

Your paranoia may keep you alive, she said.

Monikas could sense the surface of Shemric's thoughts and knew he was worried for her. "I am sorry that I cannot be that person for you," she said. She did not want to share thoughts with him. His compassion for her was like putting her damaged soul over a hot flame; she could not keep sharing with him without some painful burning. "Things changed more than I expected after I was granted ascension. It seemed everyone felt the need to test me and if I defeated them once, they made up some excuse as to why it had happened and then came back and tried again. To avoid more challenges I had to be increasingly brutal. Many of them died and that angered their masters." She delivered it all in a voice without inflection as if it was something that had happened to someone else. "Then there were more and more direct action missions where people died. When other Sith Lords sent Force-sensitives against me, I learned to hide from them and strike without warning. When they sent non-Force users, they did not have a chance. I think that Darth Acina was surprised every time I returned."

"I … " Shemric began, but had nothing else to say.

"No, I have not even told you the worst of it," she said. "After the presentation to the Emperor, I began to fear that he may have sifted some of my memories out of the audience and begun to consider you a threat. Darth Acina began to question me about you much more often and it was clear she wanted to find you. I had already cut myself off from all feelings for you and pushed you far to the back of my mind, but now I had to bury you deep and pull my psychic shields in tighter and tighter to block out Ancina's queries or other Sith that were strong in that area. I did not share with anyone. I did not talk to anyone. I was completely alone.

"Then the assassinations began," she continued. "There were innocent casualties. Children. Families destroyed…" She shook her head. Thinking about them would lead to feeling and she could not do that.

Shemric rose and came to sit on the edge of the bed to take her hand but she pulled back from him. She knew he wanted to say something, do something to make it better so she quickly headed him off. "You cannot just fix this with a few tender touches and kind words, Shemric," she said. "I can remember the things we did together, but I simply cannot connect them to any emotion or feelings. My time with you feels like a box that I buried in the sand on the beach and then did not return to dig it up for so long that I forgot where it was hidden. I remember what was in it but I don't know how to find it. Becoming Darth Monikas … it became impossible to live in two worlds any longer. I had to commit."

She could feel the turmoil on the surface of his thoughts and he tried to reach across and take her hand again but she edged further away.

"You still don't understand, Shemric," she said. "You cannot share with me anymore. You cannot see the things I have done. I cannot bear for you to see what I have become. It does not matter that I did it to protect you. I failed. We are both marked by the Emperor and that means today or tomorrow or the next day, it will be over."

"If you are not going back, then we can flee and hide until we can work through this," he suggested quietly. "The Emperor is not omniscient or we would already be dead."

She shook her head. "Shemric, you still do not understand … " she began quietly.

"Then explain it to me!" he shouted.

He was angry but there was no point in shouting back or retaliating, as she might have once. She was beyond caring. "I will try. It is not just that I do not want you to see and experience the things that I have done. I do not think that I can be the old Julienne and remember the things I have done and feel again. Julienne and Monikas cannot co-exist without dying. They are simply too different."

Even in the that state of nothing, Monikas sensed Shemric's despair so strongly that she had to quickly cut off any connection with him and push away his thoughts. His anger was equally strong and she could not hold him out. "Shemric, shouting at me is not going to help." Something filled him then and it was … determination. "Shem … " she called out in a voice of rising warning.

What happened next surprised Monikas, both with its skill and its intensity. Using the connection they shared, he pushed himself into her mind past her shields and surged down the years of their memories together. She tried to push him away, but their relationship had been forged in love and blood with such strength that she could not.

SHEMRIC! CEASE! The attack should have blasted his mind but this version of Shemric was too strong and his love for her too intense. He pulled her into a memory and she saw…herself.

"I am Julienne Qa, not girl," she said. The skinny Jedi across from her looked like he should be easily eliminated.

"Well, manners, finally," he said and gave a slight bow. "And I am Shemric Norm. I am pleased to meet you Julienne Qa."

"Now you mock me," she said. Her master would be pleased when she eliminated this youngling.

Forward.

Every part of Julienne hurt and she lay with her eyes closed for a moment. Something touched her neck and she reached up and gripped his hand with a moan.

"I …do not think … that went … very well," she said. She rolled off her side to look up at him. "How is it that you are alive and him dead? I saw you throw your blade and him blast you with lightning. That was silly. The throwing part." That seemed to exhaust her store of words.

"He picked me up and asked if I wanted to be his new apprentice," said Shem. "He brought me in close and I killed him with a hidden knife from a wrist sheath." Julienne closed her eyes and blew out a deep breath.

"So now I have you to thank for being alive … again," she said. "This is intolerable."

Shemric barked out laughter and staggered to sit down awkwardly. In truth, the boy did not look much better than Julienne felt. Then he said. "You still have to fly me off this planet. Then we will be even again."

"We will never be even," she groaned and tried to sit up. "You will keep getting me in trouble and then claiming you had to save me from it." Julienne nearly shivered at the words. They has just come to her, like some sort of prophecy, but she knew they would come true over and over.

Forward.

As Julienne walked down the long concourse to Shemric's shuttle she knew for a certainty that she was going to see this annoying Jedi again. She needed him to remember her fondly. Before he could say anything, she kissed him soundly like two lovers soon to be parted for a long separation. Had they been alone, she would never have risked it, but in a busy crowd, it seemed harmless enough.

She smirked at the surprised look on his face when she stepped back. "It has been a pleasure meeting you Shemric Norm. I am not sure this makes us quite even, but it is the best I can do for you in exchange for my life several times over." She was surprised to realize that it really had been a pleasure to meet him. His had been the first kind touch she had received since she had been ripped from her family.

"How about another kiss," he blurted.

She snorted at him but quickly re-engaged and kissed him more thoroughly than the first time. This time she used a subtle psionic suggestion to cement the memory in place; the next time they met he would be well pleased to see her. Then she gave him a shove. "Now go on, you incorrigible Jedi boy. And do not force me to cut off your parts the next time I see you."

"Like you could..." he teased.

STOP IT, SHEMRIC! I CANNOT DO THIS! Julienne cried in his mind.

NO! he called back. Pushing against the strength of his determination was like trying to push away a building with your hands.

Forward.

"You are a very nice boy," said Julienne. Shem looked up in surprise. Julienne was surprised to feel tears were flowing down her cheeks. "I am not a nice girl, you know. This will end badly." That she cared about his feelings at all was a very un-Sith like sensation.

"I assumed it would," he said, "from the first moment you walked in here. That only bothers me a little bit."

Julienne chuckled mirthlessly and lay her head down on his chest. He put his arms around her and she did not protest.

Forward.

When Shemric lowered all his psionic walls, she was unprepared for the way they flowed together so effortlessly. She looked out of his eyes at herself looking at him looking at herself …

She felt him start to sway as he was overwhelmed by it and she steadied him with her mind. The feel of him was extraordinary. His affection for her was like being washed over by a warm wave of water. It left her the mental equivalent of spluttering and choking on water. Julienne looked up from the bed and felt a smile on her face and tears in her eyes. Why did you do that? she asked.

I decided I did not care anymore if you knew everything.".

She made a small 'oh' motion and covered her mouth with her hand. One tear snaked its way out the corner of her eye and down her cheek to leave a tiny runnel in her carefully crafted make-up. She dabbed at her face, smearing the eyeliner. She knew she was holding her breath but she was poised on the edge of a precipice. Or so it felt as she held herself back from Shemric's wave of emotion and affection. She stood quickly and suddenly gasped, before pulling in great lungfuls of breath. She dabbed at her make-up again and then decided she did not care. She strode over to him and kissed Shemric forcefully. When she pulled back she said, I do not care if you mess up my make-up.

STOP THIS, PLEASE, SHEMRIC, I AM BEGGING YOU! she cried. I can't feel this again. The physical torture she had endured on Nar Kreeta was nothing compared to remembering who she was.

He moved forward mercilessly.

She was waiting on a metal walkway about six meters above him. He looked small and ordinary there, down below. She felt him reach out to sense her in the Force. She masked her thoughts from him so that he could sense nothing but her determination.

After examining her for a time he finally spoke. "We do not have to do this."

"Of course we do," she whispered back. She had seen this and not understood what was coming. She had thought it would be someone send by Darth Acina. "This is the point toward which we were headed since the day we met. You knew ours was always going to be a tragedy." Other future visions she had seen conflicted with that statement, but she was not going to give him any edge.

"I hoped otherwise," he said.

"Hope is foolish," she said and leaped off the platform to land a few paces from him.

And again.

When she turned back to Shemric, she examined his face and did not like what she found. His compassion was going to get them killed. In an instant she swung at his head. He refused to move and it was all she had in her to stop the blade millimeters from his forehead. He infuriated her "Why? What kind of person are you? To let your enemy inside your guard to kill you."

"When did you become my enemy?" he asked.

"I am Sith; I have always been your enemy," she said. She had not lowered her arm and the buzzing of the blade was audible in the otherwise silent clearing.

"Really, then what are we doing here?" he asked. Her arm was straining from holding there as if she did not really know what she would do.

"I am starting to wonder," she said and she hurled him across the clearing with a Force blast that sent him flailing. .

And again.

Julienne came to her feet slowly and barely got her blade up in time for his first attack. Instead of continuing he stepped back and whipped up the sand to disorient her and then went very small in the Force and rushed her.

His shoulder took her in the mid-section and she whoofed as the air left her lungs and he bore her to the ground and knocked her saber away. She tried to reverse his position, but she was not very strong and he quickly pinned her to ground as she struggled for air. When Shemric pulled his fist back, Julienne was sure he was going to strike her, but then he only struck the ground instead. He shoved himself off of her and looked down and her, an expression of disgust on his features.

Well, she thought, I made him angry enough to hurt me. Julienne was going to be sore and was not sure she ought to congratulate herself. Instead she said in his head, That is more like it.

She sent him a sensation of satisfaction and that seemed to calm his nerves a bit.

That was unwise, he said. You could have been injured.

And you do not think that I am? she asked in amusement. I am bruised and battered and I have sand in unmentionable places.

Have you had enough for tonight, or shall we go a second round? he asked.

The problem with provoking you is that you do not hold back at all, she said. She stood up and started to brush herself off. Do you remember the time we fought on Balmorra, at the end, when you came to me in the power station?

How would I ever forget? he said. It was about the worst day of my life.

Shush, I was not finished yet. I meant to say, do you remember what I said to you during that fight about not giving me your best in training. I accused you of holding back so that you could defeat me later.

Oh, I remember, he said.

That is what I need from you, she said. I need your very best.

Why?

Because I have to be better than the others, if I am to survive, she said. I cannot be just good enough. I have to crush them so they never try me again. No Sith will give that to me.

Shemric blew out a long breath and regarded her. He seemed to be considering her words and not just dismissing them out of hand.

"I would do anything for you, Julienne Qa," he said quietly. "If that is what you need."

She sensed that he meant it and went to him and embraced him awkwardly in their armor. It went on for some time before she whispered in his ear. "I need all of you, Shem. Everything you can give."

"Then I will try harder," he whispered back.

She sensed that he was finished, but it was her turn to show him something. Something that might make him understand.

Her shuttle left first and it reminded her a bit of the first time they had parted on Bonadan. Only, this time there would be no playful kisses. He did not even make a move to touch her. Finally, he blew out a breath and met her eyes.

Thanks for coming for me, he said. We beat the odds again. He seemed to be clenching his jaw so hard that she doubted he could have spoken aloud. Every so often his face spasmed in a frown and then appeared calm. Be well, Julienne Qa. I will miss you. He nodded then and swept past her all in a rush.

She nearly reached out a hand to him. She nearly called to him several times. But she did not. Instead, she pulled all her feelings for him deep inside and put them in a box. It was the only thing she could do to protect him. Their connection dwindled down to a small stream and she could sense his utter heartache take hold as it wound down to a trickle and then winked out. She gasped at the finality of it. She could not breathe. She had to be alone.

Julienne stormed toward her shuttle and demanded a private cabin for a few minutes. The terrified attendant stumbled trying to accommodate her. When the door closed behind her, Julienne folded up and lay on the small cushioned bench and began to sob. It was not something she had done since the day she had been ripped from her home and everything she knew. She had not thought she would ever feel that way again, but her connection to Shemric was severed and her emotions felt she had lost a limb. Oh, she could still sense his presence out there somewhere, but none of the affection, the humor, the unbending loyalty or the unrestrained love he gave to her could be felt. She was empty inside and all the sobbing in the world could not change that.

When Julienne Qa, Sith apprentice, emerged from the small cabin over an hour later, she was again herself; independent, willful, quick-thinking and dangerous. All vestiges of Shemric Norm were scoured from her heart. She would do what she must to survive or she would never see him again.

His eyes were horrified but she saw that he began to understand. Not enough. She would not show him the killings and fights that she had survived. Perhaps she was afraid he would turn away then. Instead, she turned away and hit within her own mind. She closed off any pathways for him to follow and retreated deep into herself.

Monikas first felt something again as an insistent tugging. Something or someone was trying to drag her back into consciousness and she was having none of it. Unfortunately, in this little tug-of-war, she proved to be the weaker side.

She found herself sitting in a chair on the island where they so often retreated. It surprised her because this had been her mental construct, not his. He had used the things she had taught him to create it and pull her here.

I suppose you think that you are very clever, Shemric Norm, she said.

Not really, he admitted. Everything I learned about the mind and its relationship to the Living Force came from you. You have always been the clever one.

Well, then I taught you far too well if you were able to do what you did, she said. I am not even sure what you did do. Other than make me relive and refeel all those shared memories. Well, you had your way, even when I warned you. Now I am going to sit here on my island until my body wastes away and I get to move on to whatever … comes after.

No you are not, he said. You were never a quitter.

She finally opened her eyes and transformed from relaxed sunbather to angry Sith in an instant. If you think you are going to goad me into coming back, then you are not as clever as you think! My cup of misery is all full and you just can't pour any more into it. So don't think you can anger me or manipulate me into returning. I am staying here and enjoying my island.

She transformed back to sunbather and closed her eyes again. She was back in control of her own mind and it was not that hard to block out his thoughts. Or so she thought until he pushed his way in again.

I will not say that I am sorry that I made you relive all of that, Julienne, he began. Those times were challenging and difficult but they shaped us and connected us. I would never have been able to force those shared memories on you if they had not been shared. I cannot understand what you have gone through since our last parting but it does not matter. We still have a thing to do together. Really, even that does not matter.

Then why are you still talking! she asked in irritation?

Because I have not had my say, he replied. I am going to try to not bore you with a spiritual/metaphysical discussion about why things happen and our place in the galaxy and the Living Force. I am just going to tell you that I love you and wish you would come back. I know things look bleak, but that is nothing new to us. You and I, together, will always be something greater than you and I separate. Darth Monikas and Jedi Master Norm do not add up to more than Julienne and Shemric. The math of us versus the Emperor does not look favorable, but when has it ever made any sense? It won't, so let's stop complaining and get back to work.

His naiveté infuriated her. That was sweet, said Julienne and her tone was full of sarcasm and cynicism. I am not sure if that was more or less annoying than having you lecture me would have been.

I can be more annoying if you want, he offered.

She snorted and opened her eyes to regard him. You are such an idiot.

That's the spirit, he encouraged and then she laughed. Something happened in that moment and everything came back to her all at once. Had she been a physical being it would have turned her to ash. As it was, her soul felt like every nerve was being flayed. She swatted him out of the dream and started to scream. Settling back into her body was the worst thing she had ever felt. She lay on the bed and sobbed. It hurts too much! I can't do this anymore. It is too much!

Shemric wrapped her up physically and then settled his consciousness lightly onto hers. You are not alone anymore, Julienne. That road is done. Let's go a different way.

It is not done until you understand, she said. This time it was Shemric's turned to cringe as she pulled him into her memories. She made him watch and feel the assassinations. She made him experience the deaths and the complete isolation. She showed him the father and daughter lying at her feet, dead at her hands. She showed him the last expression on the face of a man who was about to be obliterated in his own house. She showed him everything that she was and spared nothing. She should have known he would be too weak to handle it.

Shemric's mind simply shut down.

Julienne screamed in the physical world and even thinking of the name Julienne caused her to feel pain. The pain came from everywhere and never seemed to end. She was angry that Shemric was not even strong enough to stay conscious to feel the things that she had been forced to feel.

However, like the waters from a broken dam, eventually the flood lessened and ceased. She lay on the bed and had to decide who she was. Would she be Julienne Qa or Darth Monikas? Was there a being that encompassed the two of them that could find a middle ground? She needed something … something to give her a clue.

The visions that came to her were all the more intense for their long absence. She was left gasping at the end, like she had just run herself into exhaustion. She should not have been surprised, the physical and mental well-being of any person were always tied tightly together.

She unwrapped herself from Shemric and decided she needed to fix his brain. Her memories had been too much for his soft, kind, loving soul and he might not be capable of finding his way back. It was not really his brain anyway; that was a physical thing. More properly she needed to fix his memories and mental connections. It took a while, but she psionically repaired the damage and then left him unconscious. She felt a seething anger at his presumption boiling just below the surface and speaking with him would not be pleasant for either of them. Besides, she needed him unconscious to do what needed to come next.

She kept him that way until she could deliver him to a man who paid good money on her word that he was a fighter. She cringed a little at the idea that she had just sold him to the Mandalorians, but that was what she had seen in the vision. Plus her anger was still there waiting. She had somewhere else to be and went and purchased a ship to leave Nar Shadda. When Shem finally came awake, he was panicked and so she answered his call as best she could.

Julienne!

Relax, Shemric, it will be all right, she responded quickly. He was just realizing that he was tied and gagged.

Where are you, he asked quickly?

On my way out of the system. Do you remember how you left me unconscious and angry after Balmorra? Well, you are going to have to trust me on this one. Go to Mandalore and find allies. I will be doing the same and you will know when I need you again.

He was stunned initially, but she felt him mind working until finally he asked, Why Mandalore, he asked?

I have no idea, but I saw it in my dream last night. I am sorry. They do not know you are a Jedi and I would recommend you keep it that way. I will send your things back to your temple on Tython.

She cut off the connection and set a course for a quadrant of the galaxy she had never visited. Nathema was supposed to be the Emperor's home world. A name and a location were just about all that she had accomplished on Nar Shadda. Besides having Shemric torture her with her own memories and feelings. Well, it was only pain and pain was an old friend. When the stars lengthened and fled, she sat back and contemplated who she was going to be. That was not a question that would be easily answered.