Content Warning: This chapter includes discussions of bullying and suicide. No one gets bullied nor is there any suicidal ideation or attempts.
Chapter 14: Aware
Kurt wanted to throw his alarm clock across the room before he woke up enough to remember why it was screaming at him at 4am; Oh yeah, Black Friday. He managed to find the off switch and then leapt out of bed. He had to hurry if he was going to make it through his morning routine on time. He took the world's fastest shower, which at least helped wake him up a bit. He yanked on the skinny jeans that were laid out on his dressing table from the night before. He checked his watch; it was 4:20am which meant he was still on schedule.
He crept as quietly as possible down the stairs, cursing under his breath as he trod on a creaky step. The problem with living in a new house was that he hadn't learned all the quirks yet. Thankfully, his dad, Carole, and Finn all seemed to be sleeping soundly. Kurt breathed a sigh of relief and made it the rest of the way down the stairs without incident.
He filled a travel thermos with coffee from the coffee machine he had programmed the night before. Kurt managed to eat half of a muffin before his phone buzzed, alerting him that his ride was here.
Kurt hopped in the back seat of Mercedes' car. Rachel turned around and greeted him from the front seat. But Mercedes whipped her head around and glared at him.
"Kurt, don't tell me you brought food into my car? You know the rules!"
Glancing guiltily at the half eaten muffin in his hand, Kurt gulped.
"Shit, I really am sleepy. I promise to hold it very still?"
"Yes, and you will dispose of that when we get to Blaine's house or this is the last time you ride in my baby again, are we clear?"
"As Swarovski crystal."
As they drove, Kurt realized that he had never been to Blaine's house and he wondered what it would be like. His neighborhood was pretty, with old gnarled trees lining the sidewalks and vintage street lamps. Blaine's house was a two-story craftsman-style clad in white, wooden siding. It was almost as nice as Rachel's house.
While Mercedes texted Blaine, Kurt hopped out of her car to scarf down the rest of his muffin in safety, letting the crumbs fall onto the fresh blanket of snow. Blaine emerged from his house, wrapped up in a thick black coat and slick, black ear warmers.
Kurt managed to swallow the final bites of his muffin, before sweeping his hand towards the car in a grandiose gesture, declaring, "Your chariot awaits, my king!"
"Oh thank you, kind sir. Make haste, for we must defeat the sales in glorious battle." Blaine's words came out smooth in the sing-song voice and false accent he was affecting.
Blaine and Kurt settled into the back of the car.
"What are the two of you giggling about?" Rachel asked.
"Nothing, fair lady," Kurt responded. Blaine just giggled harder.
Rachel pouted. "I hate inside jokes."
Blaine caught Kurt's eye and they shared a private smile. Kurt got a thrill out of seeing Blaine's smirk and knowing it was just for him.
On the drive over to the mall, they formulated a plan of attack. Kurt pulled out his color-coded map of the mall.
When he saw it, Blaine had raised a questioning eyebrow at him. "What is that? A —Black Friday murder-er-er board? All it's missing is r-r-red thread!"
Mercedes and Rachel both gasped in horror.
"That is how we are going to find all the best deals before everything is sold out! That is a work of deal-hunting genius, nay, art! All the stores advertise their deals online to generate interest. Every year I spend the week of Thanksgiving going through them with a fine-tooth comb, copying the most pertinent information onto a mall map, and color-coding it based on how good the deals are. Honestly, Blaine, it's like you didn't spend the last month going over wedding spreadsheets with me. How is any of this a surprise to you?" Kurt huffed in mock outrage.
"Oh, l-let me see that," Blaine grumbled with exasperation, holding his hand out for Kurt to give him the map.
"Ah, ah, ah, those who ridicule the tried and true Kurt Hummel Black Friday organizational schemes do not then get to benefit from them. You must apologize to the map for insulting it's integrity before you are worthy to gaze upon it's gloriousness."
Blaine rolled his eyes. "Is he always this… punchy first thing… in the morning?"
In unison Rachel and Mercedes responded, "Yes!"
Blaine put one hand over his heart and the other on top of the map…which was sitting on Kurt's leg. Oh my god, he is touching my thigh! Kurt felt his heart speed up and tried desperately to hid his reaction.
"My d-d-darling map," Blaine began, "pl-pl-please accept my apology most sin-sincere… for any insult… to your honor."
Kurt struggled to keep a straight face. "Alright, your groveling was sufficient, you may now view my work of staggering genius."
Mercedes made eye contact with Blaine in the rear-view mirror. "I hope you learned your lesson, Newbie. He's a little less forgiving if you tease him about his study notes for final exams. He totally froze me out last year."
"And you'd better watch your mouth too because you're still on probation," Kurt snapped back.
Blaine belly shook with silent laughter and he smiled warmly at Kurt, eyes full of mirth. Blaine would never make fun of my study notes.
—
Several hours later, the four of them collapsed in an exhausted heap on some chairs next to a fountain in the mall.
"How are we doing on our lists, everyone?" Rachel asked, surveying the group.
"I'm all set but I think we need to find a Brooks Brothers addict support group for Blaine," Kurt said, smirking at Blaine who was laden down with several large shopping bags.
"Hey!" Blaine protested, giving Kurt a light smack on the shoulder. "It was a really g-good sale."
"Kurt, you are in no position to judge the amount of clothes someone else purchases," Rachel chided, eyeing his own sizable pile of shopping bags.
"Hah!" Blaine said in a victorious tone. "If you're done m-m-mocking me, perhaps you can… help me figure out… what to buy Cooper."
Kurt pondered Blaine's question for a moment. It occurred to him that the knew very little about Blaine's much older brother who had run off to Los Angeles to become an actor and never looked back.
"You have a brother?" asked Mercedes.
"You really don't talk about him much," Kurt commented.
"Oh, uh, yeah I suppose not." Blaine looked slightly uncomfortable, his gaze shifting to his feet rather than his friends. "He's, uh, uh, he's 25 and…"
"Oh wow, that's a big age difference!" Rachel said with surprise.
"Rachel, don't interrupt," Kurt chastised. Blaine hates that.
Blaine quickly glanced up at Kurt and mouthed "thank you" before continuing.
"So…he's an aspiring actor…out in L.A. He always has…some new project… that he's working on…for his day job. I think he's a waiter now…I can never keep track. He's into all these…fads…but I can…never keep up with them. Last year it was Kabbalah but this year, who knows? We both love 80s pop…but otherwise…we're pretty different. We're…we're not that close."
Kurt felt a sympathetic pang as Blaine awkwardly described his brother. He could tell from how much Blaine was using his speech strategies that he must have a complicated relationship with Cooper; Blaine's stuttering always got worse when he was talking about emotional topics.
Rachel got so excited that she jumped up out of her chair. "Oooh, I know! My Dad is into all that new wave nonsense and he's been raving about this new book he just finished reading. I bet they have it at the bookstore here. Come on!" She grabbed Blaine's hand and dragged him off towards the bookstore. Over her shoulder she called back to them, "Meet back here when we're all done, okay?"
Kurt shook his head in disbelief. "There's no stopping her when she gets like this, is here?"
"Did she seriously run off without any of her shopping bags? What does she just expect us to haul all this shit around while they scamper through the bookstore? That stuck-up little…" Mercedes ranted.
"Ugh, I know, just…let's just watch her crap and then punish her later."
—
On the way home, Rachel continued to be utterly tactless.
"So, Blaine, what's the story with the big age difference between you and your brother? He's, what, nine years older than you? That's quite a gap!"
"Rachel!" Kurt protested.
"What? I'm just asking. Blaine doesn't mind, do you Blaine?" Rachel said innocently.
Well that is clearly not a trick question, Kurt thought to himself sarcastically. He seethed quietly, hating that Rachel was pressuring Blaine to open up more than he seemed comfortable with. But he couldn't speak for Blaine, that would be overreaching in a different way.
"Oh, sure, it's fine," Blaine answered in an uncertain tone. "My, uh, my mom isn't a U.S. citizen. She grew up here…but she was born…in the Philippines. There was some c-c-complications with her… green card after she married… my dad. She had to… leave the country… for it to get… approved but it took… five years. Kind of d-d-delayed their plans for a second kid."
"Oh my goodness!" Rachel responded. "That must have been so hard for them. Your parents must really love each other to get through such a long separation."
Blaine smiled back at her, "Yeah…they do."
Kurt was happy to see Blaine relaxing again. At least Rachel was being supportive about the information she had pried out of him.
Mercedes chimed in from the driver's seat. "Boy, how did I not know that you weren't white?"
Blaine shrugged sheepishly. "I guess p-passing as a straight, white man is my secret t-t-talent."
"Well then you know what, take that privilege and put it to some good use for the rest of use, deal?" Mercedes requested.
"Sure," Blaine said with a smile.
—
"And you kept the clothes," said Amy Pond.
"Well I just saved the world... the whole planet for about the millionth time, no charge, yeah, shoot me, I kept the clothes." The Doctor looked at her, stubbornly unapologetic.
"Including the bow tie."
"Yeah, it's cool, bow ties are cool." The Doctor adjusted his bow tie with a smirk.
"Are you from another planet?" asked Amy.
" Yeah."
"Okay…"
"So what do you think?" asked The Doctor.
" What?"
"Other planets. Wanna check some out?"
The credits rolled as the episode ended and Kurt shut off the living room television before turning to Blaine. "I think I finally understand why you like this show so much."
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Blaine said unconvincingly.
"Really? 'Bow ties are cool'? It's probably wired into your DNA to fall in love with this show."
A broad grin of adoration spread across Blaine's face. "It really is great, isn't it? And Matt Smith is so damn pretty." Blaine blushed slightly at this admission.
I kind of look like Matt Smith. A little.
"You know I'm not usually that into science fiction but I would be willing to check out a few more episodes of this." Kurt probably would have watched anything if he got to do it sitting next to Blaine, but he wasn't going to mention that. Besides, it really wasn't half bad.
Blaine fisted the air in triumph. "Yes!"
"Oh, speaking of bow-ties!" Kurt had suddenly remembered something.
"That is officially my favorite segue. Go on!"
Kurt ran into the other room and returned with a thick envelope that he handed to Blaine. "I know I told you that you were invited already, but this makes it official. This is your invitation to my dad and Carole's wedding."
"I'm r-r-really invited, Kurt? You know I didn't mind h-h-helping you plan; you don't have to invite me be-because of that." Kurt couldn't figure out why Blaine was being so insecure about the invitation.
"Don't be ridiculous, of course you're invited! Blaine, you're my best friend. I wasn't not going to invite you to my dad's wedding. And you better show up looking handsome as hell in one of those new outfits you bought."
Blaine fingered the thick paper for a moment before opening the envelope.
Kurt hesitated for a brief moment before deciding it was only fair to mention it. "Dad said everyone's allowed a plus-one, so if you want to bring a friend or a date or something, you can."
Blaine chuckled as he he pulled a pen out of his book bag and started writing on his lap, where Kurt couldn't see what he was doing.
"Look," Blaine said, holding up the RSVP card. In the spot for the guest's name, Blaine had written, Blaine "Handsome as Hell" Anderson. "I'll finish it later," he said, tucking the invitation away into his book bag.
Kurt sighed. "I'm going to have fun explaining that one to my dad. You know I think he still gets suspicious when we hang out in my room alone. This is not going to help."
Kurt couldn't help but secretly wish that his dad did actually have something to be suspicious of for a change. But alas, their hangouts were still tragically platonic.
"So, you survived your first Hummel Black Friday. Were you scarred for eternity?" Kurt asked.
"Once I stopped fearing for my life after I be-be-besmirched the honor of your map, it was…really a lot of fun!" Blaine enthused.
"Your shopping etiquette met my exacting standards so play your cards right and you just might be lucky enough to be invited back next year."
Teasing Blaine was too much fun for Kurt to resist. Especially when Blaine was such a good sport about playing along. He chuckled to himself, remembering their early morning antics getting into the car. Blaine brought a side of Kurt that leaned towards the absurd and he found that he enjoyed it.
"If I'm g-g-going to be graded its only fair that you g-g-give me a ru-rubric."
"Ugh, don't remind me of school! That was the one rule for this TV date."
"Date?" Blaine quirked an eyebrow at him. Kurt felt himself turning a bright shade of pink. Not that kind of date…he doesn't think…does he think… "I'm kidding! Sorry, watching you panic is a little too fun." What is that supposed to mean? Does teasing me about calling it a date count as flirting? Oh God, he knows and he's going to ask me about it!
"Consider yourself uninvited from Black Friday," Kurt grumbled, hoping to deflect from the whole topic of dates.
"Not only am I c-c-coming next year, but n-next time I want to see you in at least one outfit from Brooks Brothers."
Kurt groaned, burying his face in his hands.
"Hey, Kurt?" Blaine's voice sounded tentative and when Kurt unburied his face he saw that Blaine now had a very serious look on his face.
Please don't ask me if I have a crush on you! Please!
"Yeah?"
"You've had…like, uh, you know…c-c-crushes on boys before, right?" Blaine asked nervously.
Oh no. No, no, no! This conversation cannot be going anywhere good. He does know!
Kurt was filled with dread and tried desperately to keep an external veneer of nonchalance. Inside his heart was starting to pound.
"Yeah."
"How did you know…that you had feelings for them?" Blaine asked.
Kurt wasn't sure he understood the question. "I just…I just knew it."
Blaine let out a frustrated sigh, clearly not satisfied with his answer. "But h-how did you know? Was there a mo-mo-moment or did it sneak up on you s-s-slowly?
His face was full of genuine curiosity. Maybe, just maybe, Blaine wasn't suspicious of him. But then why is asking about this?
Kurt's heart sank…there could only be one reason. He has a crush on someone…oh god I'm going to have to watch him fall in love with someone else, aren't I? He's going to bring them to the wedding and I'm going to have to smile through my teeth and pretend to be happy for him.
Kurt took a few deep breaths to compose himself. As much as he felt devastated by the thought of Blaine having a crush on someone else, he strangely still felt himself wanting to help Blaine work through his confusion. He looked so lost that Kurt couldn't help but want to help him. Blaine was still his best friend, after all, and he would help him even if it broke his heart.
"Sorry, no one has ever asked me that before. I guess…it could be a moment when you first meet them or they do something that really makes an impression on you." Like singing Teenage Dream while simultaneously being extremely dreamy. "I told you I had a crush on Finn last year, right? I didn't have a crush on him at first. He actually used to hang out with some of the guys that bullied me. But after he joined Glee Club, he got…nicer. I'm not exactly used to guys—especially jocks—being nice to me. It crept up on me slowly but then also all at once; like a kick in the stomach."
"Like a…a g-gut feeling?" Blaine asked with a tone of recognition.
"Sure, I guess you could call it that. I mean…I was able to kid myself for a little while that maybe he just didn't know he was gay or something but…deep down I always knew it was hopeless. I pined for a little while and then things got…weird when our parents started dating…and then I got over it. Actually, I think them dating helped me get over it."
Kurt wasn't sure why he was going into this much detail but he realized he had never actually gotten to sit down and tell the whole story to someone before. It was nice to just tell it all to Blaine without worrying about being judged. It was almost hard to remember how his crush on Finn had felt when those sparks of feelings were so fully eclipsed by the full-blown fire that burned inside of him for Blaine.
Kurt wished he could explain to Blaine that it was different this time, where it at least felt possible. It was so much better this time. But how could he talk to Blaine about having a crush on someone who was gay when Blaine knew Kurt didn't know anyone else who was gay…it would be the same as admitting his feelings, and he wasn't remotely ready for that.
Kurt looked up at Blaine who seemed to be in a state of deep contemplation, staring into the depths of his tea as if it held all the answers.
"Blaine, can I ask what this is all about?"
Blaines dark brown eyes flicked up to meet Kurt's. "My friend E-Elaine…she said something to me…it has my head spi-spi-spinning. She said I'm ob-ob-oblivious. Romantically oblivious. Do you…do you think that's true?"
Poor Blaine looked so uncertain, his eyes searching Kurt's now for answers.
Kurt reached his hand across the couch to give Blaine's a quick, comforting squeeze.
To his alarm, Blaine's eyes were starting to look watery.
"Why am I-I-I-I so bad at r-r-reading people?" he asked in a tone of despair.
"You're not!" Kurt insisted. "After all, who is the only person who knew that something was wrong with me after all that shit happened with Karofsky? You, Blaine! You were the only one. My own father didn't have a clue and he even saw me that first morning after it happened. None of my other friends were worried, not even Rachel when I so rudely kicked her out of my house. If you're asking me, then Blaine Anderson is actually pretty perceptive. At least when it really matters."
Kurt was surprised to see Blaine wiping the corner of his eye. "Aww, Kurt that is…that has to be one of the nicest things anyone has ever said about me."
"Well, it's true. You're a great friend and I guess I need to tell you that more often." Kurt said with a smile.
Blaine leaned over and wrapped his arms around Kurt, pulling him into a warm hug. Kurt gently rubbed circles across Blaine's back, in what he hoped was a comforting manner.
"Thanks," whispered Blaine.
He pulled back from the hug and took a deep breath, wiping the last tear from his eyes.
"At least I know how to do friendship right. I'm still kind of w-w-worried she's right that I'm clueless about romance, though. I…well, apparently I n-n-never notice when someone has a c-c-crush on me, be-be-because, well-well she did and I-I never noticed anything, not even a t-t-tiny hint. And that got me thinking…I think I might be ob-ob-oblivious to my own feelings even. K-Kurt, I've never had a real crush on someone. That's not normal, right? I'm sixteen! I mean, I've been attracted to people sure, but not…not with f-f-feelings, you know? What's wrong with me?" Blaine asked pleadingly.
"Wow, she really did on a number on you, didn't she? Look, I can't tell you what's going on inside your own head and heart, but I think being confused by feelings and dating is something we all have to deal with in one way or another as teenagers. It's not like my crush on Finn went anywhere; I was pretty confused and naive about the whole thing. I may not have been oblivious to my feelings but I certainly didn't know what to do with them…I still probably don't."
"R-really?" Blaine asked hopefully.
"Yeah, I don't know what I'm doing, not remotely. I don't think any of our friends do, or at least they didn't at first. They just—they've had more practice, you know? They've had some chances to learn from trial and error if nothing else. Being gay…being gay in Ohio, we haven't had those opportunities to try dating different people and learning from it. I think if we are a little behind in the romance area, well, it's hardly our fault."
Kurt hoped he was managing to be reassuring rather than depressing. When he made eye contact with Blaine, his eyes were wide as if he had just had an epiphany.
"K-K-Kurt! You're…you're so right!" Blaine said with excitement.
"I could do without the tone of surprise, but…you're welcome." Kurt smirked teasingly at Blaine.
"I've been c-c-comparing myself to Elaine and Wesley and Rachel…but I n-n-never thought about how it might be d-d-different for me. For us."
"As much as I wish it wasn't, until the world evolves it is different for us. Tina and Rachel and Finn can run around flirting and trying things out, but we don't have that luxury. When I had a crush on Finn I was more focused on hiding my feelings than exploring them. Expressing romantic feelings has never exactly felt safe for me. Those hideous straight jocks already erupt into gay panic when I'm around and that's when I'm openly disdainful towards them. I can just imagine what would have happened if I had ever liked one of them and dared to act on it. Well, I guess you don't have to imagine…"
Kurt trailed off, realizing that Blaine knew far too well what could happen. "Don't be so hard on yourself next time, Blaine. The rest of the world is hard enough on us as it is; there's no need to pile on."
"You're—you're a g-g—you're a great friend too, K-Kurt."
—
Kurt woke up before his alarm went off on Monday morning. He stumbled over to the window to peel back the curtains; the ground outside was covered in a clean blanket of snow that must have fallen while he had slept.
What exactly does one wear to the first day of Bullying Awareness Week? Should I have borrowed Blaine's rainbow suspenders? No, that's probably too much.
Kurt considered his closet before deciding that he had absolutely no idea what would be appropriate. Whatever he wore, though, had better be warm because the temperature had dropped sharply overnight. Alright, boots for the snow, sweater for the cold, gloves, and my fur hat.
Kurt pondered the week ahead of him as he ate breakfast. Carole and Burt had already left for work and Finn always slept in until the very last minute. It annoyed Kurt on the days when they carpooled but Mondays Finn had football, so at least Kurt didn't have to worry about dragging him out of bed. If he wants to be late, that's his business.
Kurt still wasn't really sure what to expect. The week would end with a big Anti-Bullying Rally where The New Directions would sing a selection of songs that addressed themes of tolerance, acceptance, and individuality. Ms. Pillsbury had also managed to find some acting troupe that did educational events for schools. They were going to be putting on skits or something…Kurt wasn't sure. Apparently, they had agreed to come for free since McKinley was an "underfunded" school or something like that.
Kurt knew there would be daily discussion topics but he was hazy about the rest of the details. He was trying not to get his hopes up too high. You can't fix a problem this huge in a week. He just wanted some tangible sign of progress that he could hold on to.
He was also mildly nervous that the event would trigger some belated act of retaliation from Karofsky for complaining about him to the administration. Blaine had already offered to be a full-time hallway escort but Kurt didn't want to go backwards. Karofsky was still on probation; that would have to be enough.
Driving to school took longer than usual, because the roads had not been plowed yet. His dad, of course, made sure his car had the highest quality winter tires and had made him practice winter driving so much that Kurt was pretty sure he could steer out of a fishtail in his sleep. Kurt drove confidently, adjusting his speed to keep traction on the snow without skidding when he braked. He shook his head in disapproval at the cars that already littered the sides of the road.
Kurt kicked his boots against the front steps of the school to knock the snow off of them before opening the doors and heading inside. He looked up to see a banner hanging from the ceiling over the heads of his fellow students as they puttered around completing their early morning business of lockers and gossip.
The banner said, "McKinley High School Celebrates Bullying Awareness Week: Be an Upstander, not a Bystander!" What on earth is an upstander? Now they're just making up words? No one is going to take this seriously!
They always overheated the school in winter so Kurt made a beeline for his locker and quickly began to shed layers before he got unacceptably sweaty. He carefully hung them on magnetic hooks he had installed inside his locker. He wasn't going to just throw his coat on the locker floor like some of the heathens around him.
"Kurt!" He spun around to see Blaine bouncing in front of him, his cheeks bright from the cold air. "Happy Bu-Bullying Awareness Week!" He handed Kurt a to-go cup of coffee.
"Thank you, Blaine," he said with surprise. "And here I didn't get you anything. You should have told me that caffeine was the traditional gift for this holiday."
"Psh, why would you get me anything? You're the re-reason this is even happening!"
"No, Blaine. You had just as much to do with that as I did. You're the one who got me to report what happened. Tomorrow, I'm bringing you coffee, okay? Seriously, I don't even know where I would be without you. I should be bringing you coffee every day for at least…I don't know, a month or two?"
Blaine's lips curled into an enormous grin. "Aw, now look who's getting all mushy on me." He leaned his head affectionately against Kurt's shoulder for a moment. "So, was that a s-s-serious offer because I am n-n-not turning down free coffee delivery? Don't taunt me like that, it's cruel and unusual p-p-punishment."
Kurt rolled his eyes in response. "I will bring you coffee for the rest of this week and then that's it. You're just lucky you're cute when you get all excited like that."
"It's a curse," Blaine said in mock self-deprecation.
You have no idea.
—
"All right, settle down, settle down everyone." Mr. Sinclair said grumpily. "I know you were all looking forward to discussing the symbolism of the jungle in 'The Heart of Darkness,' but unfortunately for all of us, we will be spending this class period discussing something that has nothing to do with literature: Bullying."
He could at least fake a little enthusiasm.
"Please watch this short video about bullying and then be prepared to discuss it. Excuse me, I need to use the restroom." He started the video and then left.
Kurt glanced around the classroom before pulling out his laptop and started typing.
To: epillsbury
From: khummel
Subject: Help!
Dear Ms. Pillsbury,
Mr. Sinclair is officially the new Gordon Brown! I'm going to start bullying him if you don't come in soon and take over this lesson!
Respectfully Yours,
Kurt E. Hummel
He turned his attention back to the video playing on the projector screen just as Mr. Sinclair returned. A few minutes later, Ms. Pillsbury appeared in the doorway. She started clapping as the video came to an end.
"Yay! What an interesting video! So much to discuss!"
See, that's how you fake enthusiasm.
"I'm walking around today to see how everything is going and I would love to get the discussion rolling in here, if Mr. Sinclair doesn't mind the intrusion."
Mr. Sinclair grunted in agreement.
Ms. Pillsbury started off with some easier questions first.
"What kinds of bullying did you see in the video?"
"Well that dude was calling him names, so that's—what—verbal bullying, right Ms. P?"
"Yes, exactly! Raise your hand if you've ever seen verbal bullying happen at McKinley."
Kurt raised his hand. He looked around the room and saw that every hand was in the air.
"Wow! Look how common it is, everyone in here has seen it! Now, keep your hand in the air if you have ever been the target of verbal bullying."
About half the hands went down, but Kurt was surprised to see how many hands were still in the air. It wasn't just outcasts like himself, there were football players and cheerleaders with their hands in the air too.
"Thank you. Put your hands down. As you can already see, bullying is something that affects many of the people in this room. Did you know that at least 1 in 4 kids has been bullied at school? Some reports say 1 in 3. So if bullying is so common, who is safe from bullying?"
"A cheerleader," someone shouted.
"Okay, we have a few cheerleaders in here. Have any of you ever been bullied?"
Both cheerleaders in the class raised their hands in the air.
"When I gained weight over the summer, people were really mean about it. They called me fat and tried to steal my food," the first cheerleader shared.
"I've been bullied because I'm…a virgin." The second cheerleader blushed as she confessed this. "Most of us have been bullied at one point or another. Santana was bullied for getting a boob job, Evie was bullied for sleeping around, and Brittney was bullied for forgetting to wear underwear."
"So it sounds like it's not enough to be in the most popular social group in the school. Even if you are popular, you need to be smart enough to remember your underwear but not so smart that you're a teacher's pet, be hot but only if it's natural, have had sex but not too much sex…basically you have to be just about perfect. Raise your hand if you're perfect."
No hands went up.
"Does anyone still feel like they could never be targeted by bullying? No? Okay, so hopefully now you all see how this issue really does affect every single one of you. Over the next few days, you will be having more conversations like this about how we can all work together to create a safer learning environment."
Kurt was surprised to see that most of the students actually applauded when she concluded her lesson. Maybe this week could change things.
—
On Tuesday, Kurt brought Blaine coffee as promised. The lesson for the day had focused on the reasons why people bully and the harmful effects of it. Kurt was pleasantly surprised to see how much his colleagues were actually engaging in these conversations. He had felt so alone in his bullying that it was rather shocking to discover just how common it really was among his peers.
After school, they had their usual Glee Club meeting. Now that Sectionals were behind them, finally, Mr. Schuester was giving them a break from extra rehearsals for a while. They reviewed the setlist and schedule for the assembly and then Mr. Scheuster handed Glee Club over to Ms. Pillsbury.
"Hello, Glee Club! I'm very excited about our upcoming rally." She clapped her hands a few times. "I have been doing a lot of research about bullying prevention and there are so many great ideas out there. I was hoping to organize an Anti-Bullying Club to help keep the Bullying Awareness message going after this week ends and everything gets back to normal, but obviously I need to find motivated students to get involved. If I can get a few students involved, then we can advertise at the rally. Since this issue is so important to many of you, I said to myself, where better to start than the Glee Club. So, any takers?"
Kurt was trying to decide whether or not to raise his hand when Santana's hand shot into the air without hesitation.
"Santana?" Mr. Scheuster said incredulously. "Are you sure that you would be the best person for this?"
"What? I'm a great leader!" Santana objected.
Rachel scoffed. "Sure, no one is denying that, Santana, it's just that…no offense, but you have bullied most of us at one point or another. That is not exactly a glowing recommendation for running an anti-bullying club. You can't run that club and then turn around and be seen bullying students in the hallways."
Santana looked furious. "That's ridiculous! I'm not a bully! I'm just really honest with people; I keep it a hundred percent. Right guys?"
There was awkward silence punctuated by a few answers that quickly trailed off.
"Uh…"
"Well…"
Ms. Pillsbury jumped in, still infusing everything she said with her usual aggressive cheeriness. "Well, Santana I think it is wonderful that you are interested in being part of my club. As our first project, I want to focus on making Glee Club truly a safe space for each and every one of you to be your authentic selves without fear of judgement. Santana, do you have any ideas about how we could do that?"
Santana's eyes got wide at being put on the spot. She sat in silent thought for a moment, before answering. "Everyone in here has come to love and embrace themselves, but we need to do better at accepting each other. There's too many secrets. If everyone was just honest with each other, everything would be better."
"Wow, great idea Santana! While I admire your commitment to radical honesty, it's important that we allow everyone to maintain their own personal boundaries around what they want to share at school. However, an opportunity to share something about yourself that others in the group might not know, optional of course, might be a great start!"
Mr. Schuester beamed at Ms. Pillsbury in admiration. "I think this is really going to help us all come together and really bond as a team. It could even give us the edge we need at Regionals this year!"
"Exactly!" Ms. Pillsbury cheered. She directed everyone to form a circle with the chairs in the room. "This circle is a judgement-free zone. Can everyone agree to that?"
The New Directions murmured their agreement.
"Does anyone want to share with the group? Santana, you could go first to set an example." Ms. Pillsbury looked hopefully an her new lieutenant.
Brittney swept her long, blonde hair out of her face and leaned over to whisper encouragingly in Santana's ear. Santana was shaking her head vehemently, starting to turn red.
I am seriously starting to wonder if those two are dating.
Kurt cleared his throat and raised his hand.
"We already know that you're gay," Santana snapped.
Shut up, I'm doing this for you.
"Nothing gets past you. What I was going to say was that I think that while this club has been safer than anywhere else at this school for gay students, I still think there is more we could do to support our LGBT members."
"Thank you for sharing Kurt, perhaps you could give us some specific suggestions?" Ms. Pillsbury asked.
"Yeah, okay, well everything is just very heteronormative. It's always boys versus girls and boy-girl partners for dancing and duets. Blaine and I should have been able to sing a duet together without anyone making a big stink about it."
Rachel sat guiltily in her chair, avoiding eye contact with Kurt.
Kurt continued, "And I realize this is a lot to ask, but we could stop assuming everyone is straight unless they tell us otherwise. I mean Blaine had to come out all over again because you all just assumed he was straight. Which I understand, I really do, it's not your fault, it's just what society tells us. It's something we have to actively unlearn. Even just little things like if you want to know if someone has a crush or is dating, let's be more open-minded about our pronouns. And another thing, calling me 'Lady Hummel' is both homophobic and misogynistic so I'd really appreciate if we could retire that one permanently."
Several students applauded, including Blaine.
"Wow, thank you for getting us started Kurt! A lot to think about there. Who else would like to share with the group?"
Brittney raised her hand. Santana shot her a warning look.
"I wanted to tell you all that even though everyone thinks I'm stupid, I'm not. I just have something called 'slow processing speed.' It means my brain works slower than other people's but I can still do all the same stuff. Sometimes people think I do it on purpose to be cute or something but I can't help it."
Kurt had always wondered what Brittney's deal was but had never felt comfortable asking. He was surprised and impressed by Brittney's calm demeanor as she shared this with the group. She had clearly come to terms with this long ago.
Santana linked her pinky with Brittney and looked a her affectionately. "I'm really proud of Brittney for sharing this with the club," Santana said. "I'm the only person who knew besides her family until today. I think she's perfect just the way she is but most people don't understand her."
Ms. Pillsbury clapped her hands a few times. "Thank you for sharing something so personal with us. Now it should go without saying that this information should not leave the room so Brittney has control over who knows her private information. Perhaps some of you have words of support for Brittney?"
Artie raised his hand. "I thought I was the only one in here with a disability. It feels cool not to be alone, Brit. I think you're awesome just the way you are!"
"Brittney, you have the biggest heart of anyone I know," Kurt added. "You have always accepted me as I am without question and I'll never forget how you taught me the Single Ladies dance."
Brittney and formed her fingers and thumbs into the shape of a heart on her chest. Kurt made the same gesture back to her.
Blaine raised his hand. "I, uh, have a, uh, a second thing to, uh, uh come out about."
Oh my god! He's going to do it!
Ms. Pillsbury nodded to him encouragingly. Kurt leaned over to whisper in his ear, "You've got this!"
Blaine flashed a quick smile at Kurt before he continued. "I, uh, I also have a…di-di-disibility. I s-s-s-s-stu-stu-stutter." Blaine's eyes went wide briefly as he lost control on the very word that named his problem.
They really should have named it something easier to say.
Kurt watched with pride as Blaine took a deep breath. "I was d-d-d-diagnosed when I was fffive…and I've been bu-bu-bullied a lot —because of it. As some of you…know…I was a-a-a-attacked last year…that's, uh, uh, why I transferred here…and my-my-my-my stutter-er-ering got worse after. I, uh, I work with a sp-sp-speech therapist that helps but it's —never going to g-g-go away."
Kurt noticed that Blaine's hands were starting to shake. He reached out to offer his hand, in case Blaine needed the physical reminder of Kurt's unwavering support. Blaine took it and shot him a grateful smile.
"K-Kurt's known…for a while now…but I'm ready…for all of you-you-you to know too. I think-I think—I know that hiding it…it's not g-g-good for me. So, now you know." When Blaine was done, he let out a sigh of relief.
"Thank you for sharing with us, Blaine. Is there anything you want us to know about your stuttering that would allow us to be more supportive friends and colleagues?" Ms. Pillsbury asked, her voice calm and warm.
"Oh! Yes, actually. Pl-Pl-Please don't interrupt me or t-t-try to finish my sentences. I know…people mean to help…but it's really fru-fru-frustrating. Don't ask if I'm o-okay when I stutter. I'm fine I j-j-just need to get through it. And if my face twitches or I blink too hard when I get stuck, please just ignore it."
Kurt squeezed Blaine's hand, hoping to convey how incredibly proud he was.
"Oh, wait that's why you got all twitchy that one time?" Santana asked as the realization hit her. "I had no idea that had anything to do with stuttering. Well, thank you for explaining. Next time, I'll just be chill about it."
That was about as kind as Santana got and Kurt was relieved that this was the response Blaine was getting from her.
"Wait?" Rachel called out, her brown eyebrows furrowed together in confusion. "But when you sing…I mean how…?"
Blaine laughed. "I don't stutter when I sing. That's one of the r-r-reasons I love it so much."
"Oh! That's…so cool!" she replied.
Blaine was practically luminescent he was smiling so brightly.
—
On Wednesday, the anti-bullying lesson happened during Kurt and Blaine's third period science class. Kurt was relieved to see that Ms. McKenzie took the assignment much more seriously than Mr. Sinclair had. She was strict but even Kurt had to admit that she was a fair teacher who delivered well-organized lessons.
"Attention, class! As you know, today instead of Chemistry we will be having a conversation about bullying. To start with, please raise your hand if you have ever witnessed another student being bullied."
Over half the hands in the room went up in the air, including both Kurt and Blaine's. Ms. McKenzie raised her hand as well.
"So it looks like a lot of us have. Since I'm a numbers girl, I'm going to try to keep track of these polls." She started filling in a chart on the white board. She wrote, have witnessed bullying 65%.
"Now, keep your hand up if you have ever tried to intervene in bullying. That could mean telling the bully off or even just trying to change the subject."
Ms. McKenzie surveyed the room. "Interesting, now we're down to about 15%. That's not surprising. Most of us choose to be bystanders when we see bullying, which means that we stand by while bullying happens and don't do anything to stop it. Today, we are going to talk about how to be an 'upstander' or someone who stands up with your friends to be an ally against bullies. Now let's watch some video clips and I want you to think about what you could say in each situation."
Kurt leaned over and whispered to Blaine, "Thanks for being such an upstanding young gentleman." Blaine flashed one of his wide grins back at Kurt.
They discussed strategies for being an "upstander" for a while and then Ms. McKenzie moved on to their final discussion topic. "How do you think someone who is being bullied feels?"
"Sad."
"Angry."
"Afraid."
Kurt raised his hand. "What people don't understand is that being bullied isn't just feeling scared or angry in the moment that it's happening. When you're being bullied, you're in a state of constant fear because you never know when the next attack is coming. You are constantly looking over your shoulder for danger or figuring out how to get to your next class safely. You're so distracted that you start to fall behind in your classes. The constant stress makes it hard to eat or sleep. It's like living in a war zone."
Only when he was finished, did Kurt feel brave enough to glance over at Karofsky. Dave was staring at him, jaw hanging slightly open, a puzzled expression on his face.
Azimio raised his hand. "A war zone? Come on, isn't that kind of over-dramatic? It's just some harmless schoolyard bullying."
Ms. McKenzie kept her tone calm and patient, in that special way that teachers do. "That's what a lot of people think. But Azimio, did you know that victims of bullying are more likely to commit suicide, which is already the third most common cause of death among young people like yourselves?"
"Oh, shit!" he responded.
"Not so harmless now, is it?"
"No, ma'am."
"Another thing too. Those who bully are no better off. They usually have something bad going on in their own life, or even are being bullied themselves. They are also at increased risk of suicide."
She let that sink in for a moment before continuing with the usual teacher spiel about suicide. "Now it's important for you all to know that suicide is a complex issue without a simple cause or explanation. That's why we take it very seriously at this school and encourage you all to please speak to Ms. Pillsbury or any staff member you trust if a friend mentions anything to you about considering suicide. Even if you think they are joking, it is better to be be overly cautious."
Kurt looked over at Karofsky again, and for the first time he felt a pang of sympathy. He's so deep in the closet that he must be just as miserable as I am. No one comes out on top in this fucked up situation. Dave was looking steadfastly ahead this time, almost as if he was avoiding Kurt's questioning gaze.
—
On Thursday, Kurt was surprised when he was summoned from his math class to Ms. Pillsbury's office. But that was nothing compared to his utter shock when he saw none other than David Karofsky sitting in one of the chairs, nervously rubbing the toe of his shoe against the worn carpet.
Kurt froze in the doorway. Logically, he knew that Karofsky wouldn't try anything with a teacher sitting right there but emotionally just seeing him unexpectedly was enough to flood him with fear. "What is he doing here?" Kurt demanded.
"Kurt, David is here because he is ready to have a meaningful conversation about what happened between you two I think you would both really benefit from hearing what the other one has to say. I'll be here the whole time, so I promise that you will be safe, Kurt. You can leave at any time if you feel uncomfortable. What do you think?"
"Fine," Kurt said, his voice still edgy. Reluctantly, he stepped into the office, closed the door, and took the other seat. He scooted it a few inches further away from David until he felt decidedly out of range of whatever attacks his lizard brain could conjure up.
"Go ahead, David," Ms. Pillsbury encouraged.
"Did you really mean what you said in Chem the other day? About how it felt to be bullied?"
Kurt nodded.
"I…I had no idea."
"Well, now you do. I guess that was sort of the whole point of Bullying Awareness Week, right, to make you aware. I really wish I had the luxury of having no idea how it feels," Kurt replied bitterly.
"I deserved that," Karofsky replied. Yes, yes you did.
"David, if Kurt could tell you more about the impact your bullying had on him, do you think you could listen respectively like we practiced? This is not the time for explanations or defenses, just for listening."
"Yeah, I can do that," Karofsky said gruffly.
"Kurt? I think this would be really good for both of you."
Kurt felt his heart rate speed up but he found that he really wanted to do this. "Well, you heard some of it in class. How I felt scared all of the time, because I never knew when the next incident would happen so I could never feel safe. I was so stressed out that I lost ten pounds, I started having nightmares, and after that, uh, that time in the locker room I stayed home because I was too scared to come back to school. Blaine had to come to my house and practically drag me back. I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't made me go to Principal Figgins and if Principal Figgins hadn't finally believed me."
"Would you have…you know?" Dave asked, in a hushed voice.
"No," Kurt said resolutely. "I would never have killed myself because I actually have a pretty great life despite whatever you would think. I have some really good friends, the world's best dad, and enough talent to get me the hell out of this backwards town and never look back. But the next kid you victimize might not be so lucky."
Karofsky looked up from his shoes and Kurt saw a very pained look on his face.
"Kurt I…" he swallowed and then tried again. "Kurt, I'm really, really sorry that I made you feel that way. If it helps…it's over, okay, I promise. I'm done. I won't bother you anymore."
Kurt sat in stunned silence. "Thank you. I think it will take time for me to really believe you, but I appreciate the gesture." He almost left it at that but…he felt that he had to say something.
"Dave…you heard the other part of Ms. McKenzie's speech too, right? You need help, serious help. I'm not going to expose your secrets but they are going to poison you from the inside out if you don't talk to someone about them. Ms. Pillsbury is pretty great. I really hope you'll consider actually talking to her about what all of this was really about. Otherwise, you're never going to feel any better."
Ms. Pillsbury's forehead wrinkled in confusion and Karofsky's face turned white with panic.
"What is he talking about, David?" Ms. Pillsbury asked, a hint of emotion in her voice.
"Stop it, just stop it!" David said, practically begging. "I don't even know if I am, okay?"
"You're never going to figure that out if you don't talk about it with someone. It's just going to keep torturing you forever. What is the worst that could happen if you told Ms. Pillsbury? She's like, sworn to secrecy or something, right Ms. P?"
"As the school guidance counselor, anything you say to me is kept completely confidential unless you share something that indicates you are a danger to yourself or others. Then I would have to share that will the other school administrators and your parents. You can trust me, David, really."
David looked wildly from Ms. Pillsbury to Kurt and back again. He let out a defeated sigh.
"I…I can't…you tell her, Kurt, I just…I can't say it." Tears welled up in his eyes and suddenly the enormous, terrifying bully was nothing more than a scared little boy.
"You're sure?"
Karofsky nodded.
"The, uh, the reason David was bullying me, at least in part, is because he is…or he might be…gay, like me. He didn't hit me in the locker room like I said he did; he kissed me."
Karofsky gazed at Kurt, wiping away tears. "I'm sorry about that part too, I know that was the worst thing. I…I would have stopped after that anyways. I realized I had gone too far."
Ms. Pillsbury's already saucer-like eyes managed to become even wider in response to this revelation. "Oh, I see. Well that certainly puts things in a new light." She turned to Kurt, "I take it this kiss was not…consensual?"
"No way! Dave, that was a really awful thing to do! It was way worse than hitting me, I felt so violated you just have no idea."
"I was so angry that night. You just…you looked so disgusted with me, it was the reaction I had feared from everyone else but I thought you were the one person who wouldn't respond that way."
"Seriously? I wasn't disgusted that you were gay I was disgusted because you sexually assaulted me! Just because I'm gay doesn't mean it's open season on kissing Kurt Hummel as long as you've got the right junk in the trunk!"
"Right…of course, no, I get that now. I just…I'm really sorry, Kurt, I never meant to…I just, I'm sorry."
"May I be excused now?" Kurt asked as politely as he could muster.
"Yes, of course."
He stood to leave but before he opened the door he turned back to face his bully, "I hated you for what you did to me but I'm proud of you for talking to someone. I really hope you figure things out and find a way to be happy."
And then he walked out, head held just a little bit higher, now that the last bit of weight he didn't realize he had still been carrying was lifted from his shoulders.
HAPPY things are coming next chapter!
Bullying Background/Commentary:
I did do a fair bit of research about bullying prevention but ultimately this is all from my own imagination, so apologize if anything seems inaccurate. My research sources were primarily the CDC and another government website called "stopbulling". Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional.
The causes of suicide are really complicated and the information I found on the CDC website really emphasized that every kid has risk factors and protective factors for suicide. Being the victim of bullying is just one risk factor that goes into the equation. I hope I made it clear that Kurt has some good protective factors on his side including good family support and good school-connectedness (Glee Club) which are why he is at low risk. The social work team at my school emphasizes that all comments about suicide should be treated seriously and reported to the student's social worker (one protective factor my students have is that every single one already meets regularly with a social worker). The teacher's comments were based on my own school's policies plus my research.
I hope that final scene landed the way I meant it to. I wanted Kurt and Karofsky to have some of that resolution of the scene where Karofsky tearfully apologizes to him in the hallway after becoming a bully whip but with a little more closure for Kurt. I didn't want it to be too pat or perfect, because that seems unrealistic. So I wanted Kurt to still feel angry and hurt while still getting that closure and that apology.
Doctor Who:
The scene from Doctor Who is just a transcription of the script of the final scene, with a few narration notes added in by me. It is from Season 5, Episode 1 which is called "The Eleventh Hour" and it is the first episode which introduces the "11th" doctor, who has a strong obsession with wearing bow-ties. "Bow ties are cool" is one of his catchphrases. So obviously Blaine is a fan :)
Gordon Brown?
He is a British politician with a reputation for being an incredibly boring speaker. I wanted Kurt's email to have a niche reference just like when he emails to complain about how Sue is running Glee club on the show.